The Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 30
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It’s the perfect set of bookends documented in this week’s edition of The Fox “News” Spin Cycle. 

It begins with a continuation of the Bob-Costas-and-guns-kerfuffle from last week and ends with Fox “News” clinging to its guns and religion. In between there was a mall shooting, Susan Rice withdrew herself from consideration as Secretary of State, and attacks against Ed Asner (again) and Matt Damon (again). In other words: the usual nonsense from the usual gang of idiots.

NB: A word of warning. The Newtown Massacre broke my funny bone. I’m less likely to go for laughs this week; I’m more likely to go for the jugular.

You call that cheesecake?

Better, but where’s the leg?

Holiday shopping??? Doncha mean “Christmas shopping”??? Or are you fighting the War on Christmas from within? Don’t worry, I won’t give you away to the authorities.

More than a week after Bob Costas said the obvious and Bully Boy Bolling is STILL stewing about it.

Of course The Falafel King felt George Will owned Paul Krugman because Will personally attacked Krugman, who attempted to stay on the facts of the issue, which Loofah Lad doesn’t care for. Paul Krugman is a long-time nemesis of Fox “News.”
“QUICK! How can we blame this on President Obama? Oh, right! It’s in the headline. Never mind.”
IRONY ALERT: Fox “News” was one of the media outlets that originally jumped on the story of the Aussie DJs pranking the hospital, only to pretend it did not help contribute to the nurse’s suicide when it became tragic story.

Of course he got owned because Mary Matalin personally attacked Paul Krugman, who attempted to stay on the facts, which Fox “News” doesn’t care for. And, Paul Krugman is a long-time nemesis of Fox “News.”

Which is why Fox “News” would concentrate on this talk show slugfest that happened on another network. It’s a way to avoid having to discuss the merits of Krugman’s ideas, which Fox “News” doesn’t care for. And, Paul Krugman is a long-time nemesis of Fox “News.”

This was KKKarl Rove’s first appearance since it was reported all over the innernets that Rove had been benched and all Fox “News” producers would need a special note from high above to use him while he’s still in Purgatory. Here’s my newest conspiracy theory: While Fox “News” put KKKarl Rove on the DL list, I would bet [Johnny] Dollars to donuts that Bret “Bare” Baier was ordered to put Rove on the air, just to make a lie out of all those reports of him being sent to the corn field.

Oh, lookie: Steve Doocy made a funny. It’s nice to see he has not forgotten the real reason for the season.

BTW: Did you know that if you watch Steve Doocy with the sound off he looks just like every dipsomaniac you have ever known? Try it some time.

Sure, it’s funny ’til somebody pokes an eye out.

When monkeys are outlawed, only monkeys will be outlaws.

Bob Costas and guns still? A word of warning: By the end of the week you’ll be talking about guns all over again and it will be a far more painful discussion, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Fox “News” will pass along ANY specious rumours, as long as they smear President Obama.

Scammity is simultaneously working the Psy Gangnam Outrage™ and social media, straight from the Hannity Control Room.

That’s not exactly what he said. He said Fox “News” is dividing ‘Merka and RFK, Jr. is 100% right.

The biggest racial hustlers are on Fox “News.” People such as Sean Scammity and Bully Boy Bolling. What should ‘Merka do with them?

Don’t worry. I don’t care. However, I love the namedropping, Bully Boy.

Better get some coffee in you, Bully Boy. Didja see what Jon Stewart said about you last night?

I’ll take that as a “Yes.” So, let me get this straight (because it might become important by the end of the week): It’s not that Bob Costas said something about guns, but he said it in an inappropriate forum. That narrows it down. So talk of gun control is okay as long as it doesn’t interrupt football coverage?

Juan Williams was the only Fox “News” personality that I saw who felt that Bob Costas’s comments were appropriate. By the end of the week Costas would look downright prescient, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

We only know from his family that the charges are “trumped up.” I’m not saying they are, or they are not. I’ve just not seen enough evidence to justify the headline, or the fact that Fox “News” has taken this story on as its latest cause, having hosted Jon Hammar’s mother several times.

Taking Immelt’s comments out of context is the Breitbart way. He was discussing what works in a very narrow sitch-eee-ay-shun. But, you’ll never learn that unless you click through and take the time to watch the video. However, Immelt is a long-time Fox “News” nemesis and this is a great way to slam him.

Loofah Lad should have saved this topic for the end of the week after the Newtown Massacre. It’s hell when he repeats himself.

This isn’t a screen cap from Fox “News,” but updates one of the contentious issues discussed in last week’s Fox “News” Spin Cycle.

IRONY ALERT: Bully Boy Bolling is apologizing to his Politically
Correct Christ lovers, who were upset that he took the Christ out of
Christmas. IRONY ALERT II: Bully Boy Bolling has decried Leftoid Political Correctness™ in the past. I guess the lesson here is it all depends on which PC Police were offended. Bully Boy Bolling kowtows to God’s PC Police.

This is what Bully Boy Bolling said for which he is apologizing. IRONY ALERT III: You’d think someone who goes to church every day would not ooze hate and racism in front of the tee vee cameras.

We’ve survived until midweek without having to talk about gun control.

Wait!!! What??? Mall shooting?!?!?! Can we talk about gun control yet, Bully Boy? Because by the end of the week, wanting to talk about gun control will become a national obsession, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Steven Crowder’s story fell apart as soon as some unedited video came out that showed the man punching Crowder had just been knocked to the ground by a cheap shot that appeared to come from behind. He honestly believed Crowder delievered the cheap shot and retaliated. Crowder tried to Brietbart the video with a deceptive edit, but, unfortunately for Crowder, Sean Scammity accidentally aired the part of the video that shows Crowder’s James O’Keefe-like stunt. Suddenly the story died. Steven Crowder became the aggressor. No wonder he stayed a virgin until he got married. He’s a coward who can only attack from behind.

It takes one to know one.

Fox “News” loves to attack MSNBC and Chris Matthews in particular, who is just another nemesis of the “Fair and Balanced” network.

I’m going to wait and celebrate 13/13/13.

However, all day Fox “News” was able to pretend that Steven Crowder was a tough guy who stood up to the union thugs . . .

. . . until Scammity accidentally showed too much of the video and it now appears that Steven Crowder threw the first punch.

Lookie here: Some rare navel-gazing from Loofah Lad. What’s more, it’s all about his Phony War on Christmas, which was even criticized by Father Morris on the Curvy Couch with those Foxy Friends.

And the GOP House has recessed. Who should the president meet with?

Malkin called it: “There will be blood.” Too bad it was blood from the children in Newtown, Connecticut. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Heya, Juan: Teabaggers have always been about charlatans and profiteers. Remember: It was astroturfed with Koch money and Dick Armey to begin with. Then all the racists crackpots joined and the brand became tarnished to those ‘Merkins who do their own thinking. Why are you providing political cover for Teabaggers, Juan?

While he’s been known to say some outrageous things, Belafonte is another long-time Fox “News” nemesis.

Off-camera chatter? You’re ignoring each other. Let’s move in for a close up:

See? It’s like that last scene in the marriage montage from Citizen Kane.

See???

Contrary to conventional wisdom the Piltdown Man is not the greatest hoax ever perpetrated. That honour goes to Fox “News” calling itself “Fair and Balanced.”

Still trying to get the last bit of mileage out of the phony Steven Crowder victim story.

This is the closest Fox “News” came to talking about gun control. They made fun of a Leftoid’s position on gun control. And, it’s a clever new way to attack The Current, another Fox “News” Nemesis™.

This is what passes for the Fox “News” crack research team? Begging people on facebook?

This was pretty funny. They should put Geraldo on The Five and send Bob Beckel back to the Minors.

TRANSLATION: We’re stumped. Help us out because Der Google isn’t helping at all.

Wait!!! What???

It’s headed straight for YOUR house. Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

IRONY ALERT: Fox “News” has been the greatest force for division in ‘Merka since it went on the air. Dennis Miller is just more of the same divisiveness. Way to miss the point, Miller.

TRANSLATION: We’ll see if our crack audio team can cue it up.

After 2 months of attacking Susan Rice on a daily basis, Fox “News” can add her head to their trophy wall. And, isn’t it magnanimous of John McCain to wish her well?

Because Fox “News” made Susan Rice the story, as opposed to making the attack on Benghazi the story. Happy now?

OY VEY!!! Oliver “Should Be In Jail” North is running tours to Israel. That would be a great trip to infiltrate, pretending to be an average tourist. It would be great for the LULZ.

It’s time for Bully Boy Bolling and The Five to take a victory lap since they have been among the most vocal in trashing Ambassador Susan Rice.

It came as highly amusing news that Judge Nap, who claims to be a Libertarian, is not JUST religious, and not JUST
a Roman
Catholic, but he actually admits that he preferred the Church prior to
all the inclusive reforms known
as Vatican II. That means Judge Andy identifies with the ’50s and early
’60s. He’d even rather have the Mass in Latin. Ipso facto: Judge Nap embraces
his cognitive dissonance. It also explains his Constitution fetish.
It’s why he won’t accept the Constitution as a living document. He is an
“originalist” who believes the Constitution was divinely inspired by
the pre-Vatican II God.

A truly rational Libertarianism seems totally incompatible with religion. Which is probably why there are so many essays by so many people who are trying to justify being religious Libertarians. More cognitive dissonance.

Quantity over quality. The Five is still the worst show on tee vee since “My Mother The Car.”

Wait!!! What???

REMEMBER: There is no War on Women.

It won’t be a happy Friday for long. People all across the nation will soon be weeping openly.

Watters World is the oldest trick in tee vee: Ask stupid people questions and only show the stupidest answers. Hilarity ensues.

“Pondering about”??? Yeesh!

According to their body language: They hate each other.

And, it begins.

Nothing will ever be the same for ‘Merka from this moment forward. And, whether Second Amendment Advocates like it or not, this country is about to have a serious discussion on gun control. FINALLY!!! 

However, in the meantime, Fox “News” will do everything it can to avoid talking about gun control, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

TRANSLATION: The News Division is keeping Bully Boy Bolling from complaining about advocates of gun control.

This is Bully Boy Bolling clinging to his guns and religion.

This massacre of innocents in Newtown, Connecticut, has exposed the Fox “News” schizophrenia on gun control. The on-air personalities have, when they expressed an opinion at all, have come out solidly in favour of the Second Amendment and against gun control. However, lookie what Rupert “The Corpulent” Murdoch tweeted out that evening:

If Fox “News” came out in favour of sensible gun control, maybe politicians will find it easier to buck the NRA, Rupert.

However, as Rupert is tweeting that, his minions, aka the Fox “News” suits, were telling the Fox “News” personalities not to discuss gun control. That will be threading the needle for Fox “News” because gun control was suddenly a topic on the minds and lips of most ‘Merkins, regardless of whether they were pro-gun or anti-gun.

That’s why the Fox “News” spin became more about God than guns. To avoid the topic of gun control, Fox “News” was forced to cling to guns and religion. It started with Huckleberry Hound, but spread across the channel.

This is Huckleberry Hound clinging to his religion. We assume he also has guns.

A rare Saturday on the curvy couch for Loosy Doocy. Clearly the brass at Fox “News” didn’t feel they could trust Dave and Clayton (two of the weekend’s Three Stooges) to stay off the topic of gun control. Consequently, Steve “I look like a dipsomaniac” Doocy and Brain Brian Kilmeade sat in with Alysin “Poses With Guns” Camerotta. Had Wretched Gretched been available (I’m sure she had some family thing she just couldn’t get out of) I am sure the whole Fox “News” morning “A Team” would have been there for the Saturday morning Newtown Massacre coverage.

Doocy likes it when people are Right. The farther Right, the better.

Where’s Wretched Gretched, Alysin? Doesn’t she usually work with Steve and Brian?

Bully Boy Bolling thinks he can hold back the tide of the national conversation on gun control that’s already begun. ‘Merkins have come to realize that they are being told to “respect these families, debate the issues later” every few days, after another shooting in public. Now they are saying, “ENOUGH.”

To avoid talking about gun control, Fox “News” went in a number of directions. It reported on the heroic teachers . . .

. . . or it advised parents on how to talk to their own children about the Newtown Massacre . . .

. . . or accused Progressives of politicizing the issue of gun control . . .

. . . or blamed the massacre on the ‘Merkin culture, like violent video games and Hollywood, where Fox makes movies . . .

. . . or dragged out Father Morris to discuss a religious evil. Anything to avoid the topic of gun control.

When this news was released I predicted that Fox “News” would express doubt about this story. I was right, but, admittedly, that was like shooting fish in a barrel.

Another way Fox “News” avoided talking about gun control was to talk about union thugs.

Remember: Anything to avoid talking about gun control. Just as Gabriel Sherman at New York Magazine reported:

Certainly Fox’s decision to avoid widespread policy talk could be seen as an editorial impulse to keep the focus trained on the tragedy’s human dimension. But Fox’s coverage also highlights the growing chasm between Rupert Murdoch and Ailes. Gun culture is alive and well at Fox News. Roger Ailes and Sean Hannity are reportedly licensed to carry concealed handguns in New York City. Fox personality Eric Bolling is a vocal Second Amendment proponent on air. “Not only do they carry guns, they don’t allow an honest debate on TV,” a Fox News insider said. In the past, when Ailes has clashed with Murdoch on politics, Fox News’s outsize profits have helped Ailes prevail. Earlier this fall, Ailes signed a new four-year contract, and he retains complete editorial control over the network.

I have always felt a particular distaste for Oliver North. . . until this week. Now, I hate him with every ounce of my being.

Let’s face facts: North only avoided being jailed in the Iran/Contra Scandal on a technicality (the same might be said of Bush the Elder, as well). Now North gets to promote his own money-making deals on the Fox “News” channel in exchange for being one of the channel’s Go-To Gung-Ho Guys™ on military reporting. Here he hawks his latest book, while just above he was shilling for his own tour of Israel, aka The Holy Land.

However, late this week my mild distaste for Oliver North went to Red Hot Hate™, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
[Be sure to stay tuned to the very end of this column for the reason why.]

Why do you have to insert your God into everything? Your God failed these children.

As Gabriel Sherman at New York Magazine says in the same article quoted above:

During the weekend, one frustrated producer went around Clark to lobby Michael Clemente, Fox’s executive vice-president for news editorial, but Clemente upheld the mandate. “We were expressly forbidden from discussing gun control,” the source said. Clark’s edict wasn’t universal: On Fox News Sunday, host Chris Wallace talked with Democratic Senators Joe Lieberman and Dick Durbin about gun control, and later in the program, panelists Bill Kristol and Fortune editor Nina Easton weighed in on the issue.

Clearly Chris Wallace is the exception that proves the rule.

However, had he mentioned gun control Fox “News” never would have turned this father into a symbol of Christian forgiveness.

Just another way to avoid the issue of gun control.

Matt Damon is another Hollywood star that Fox “News” delights in attacking. If I cared why I could research it. I would probably discover that Damon said something against Fox “News” or one of its pet projects. Or, he starred in movies with George Clooney, another Hollywood star Fox “News” attacks with regularity. The reason doesn’t have to make sense. Suffice to say Fox “News” has a hate-on for Matt Damon (and George Clooney, among others).

Still not ready to talk about gun control? I know, it’s still too early.

How about now? Can we talk about the weapon that mowed down this principle, several teachers, and 20 children? No? You’ll let us know when, okay? Because the country is just itching for a dialogue on gun control.
I have to admit I agree with Bully Boy Bolling. In the midst of a terrible tragedy there are always going to be people who turn a crisis into an opportunity. Like your Fox “News” War Hero below:

And this, folks, is why I now hate Oliver North.

FUCK YOU OLIVER NORTH!!!

Does that mean it’s now okay to talk about gun control, Bully Boy Bolling? Whaddaya think, Bill “Loofah Lad” O’Reilly? Is your colleague Oliver North politicizing mass murder?

And that’s how the week ends on The Fox “News” Spin Cycle. Tune in next week to see if Fox “News” found the guts to talk about gun control and whether I’ve found my sense of humour.

About Headly Westerfield

Calling himself “A liberally progressive, sarcastically cynical, iconoclastic polymath,” Headly Westerfield has been a professional writer all his adult life.