The Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 31

It was a tough week for the Fox “News” personalities following the Newtown Massacre. The NRA had yet to state a position on gun control for them to parrot. 

Yet, the so-called “news” network couldn’t help but expose its split personality, with Rupert Murdock coming out in favour of gun control, while the rest of the Fox Chuckleheads™ came out in favour of a strong Second Amendment, with no exceptions. It’s the reason why The Fox “News” Spin Cycle blog series exists.

Let’s get right to it:

When Bully Boy Bolling wakes up in a pensive mood, that’s a good thing. Unfortunately, by the end of the week it would become apparent that not a scintilla of new information penetrated that thick skull of his. Because, in the end, Bully Boy decided to cling to his guns and religion, despite the horrifying statistics on how many deaths over the years have been the end result of the misuse of guns and religion.

“The Five” never shows my messages. Maybe that’s because I have always maintained that “The Five” is the worst show on tee vee since “My Mother The Car.”

If you like to hear 4 people on the Right agreeing with each other, while 1 person just makes a fool of themselves, then “The Five” is weekdaily viewing. It’s a program that will always provide more heat than light. However, if you like to hear discussions based on facts, as opposed to Fox “News” Talking Points and Reich Wing Politics, then do yourself a favour and skip “The Five.” It’ll just drive you crazy.

Oh man! Fox “News” SciTech got into the magic mushrooms again. Either that, or they’ve been watching the Matrix movies on too little sleep.

This poll is good news for Fox “News.”

For the past 4 years Fox “News” has been drumming this concept into the ‘Merkin people. Now it can boast of a poll that demonstrates how its propaganda worked perfectly. Now Fox “News” will have another 4 years to try and make all Democrats appear to its brain-dead viewers as Socialists, Communists, Stalinists, Fascists, and Atheists.

This tragic story of former-Marine Jon Hammar’s arrest in Mexico on having an illegal gun provides a lesson in Fox “News” story building. Follow along:

To begin: Last week Fox “News” started pushing this story of a poor former-Marine who was
being mistreated in a Mexican jail for allegedly breaking Mexico’s gun laws.

The only information Fox “News” has ever broadcast about this case came from
Jon Hammar’s mother, who might be a little biased. (Ya think?) She said Jon’s arrest was over a “clerical error” and Fox “News” did no original reporting beyond that. Everyone they interviewed concerning Hammar’s arrest also had no information beyond what they had heard from his mother, including the Congresswoman who used the story to get Fox Facetime™.

When this pic (above) of Jon Hammar chained to his bed was smuggled out, Fox “News” had an orgasm. It played right into the storyline Fox “News” had already created.

What no one was telling the brain-dead Fox “News” viewers is that Jon Hammar was chained to his bed for his own safety. While it’s sounds complicated, it’s not. When Hammar was locked up with the general Mexican prison population, he was threatened and hurt. Therefore he was moved, for his own safety, to a place where he couldn’t be hurt by the other prisoners. Unfortunately, this was also a place from which a man with Marine training could escape easily. To prevent that, he was chained.

Now imagine for a moment, dear reader, that a propagandizing tee vee channel from a country (that we recognized like we do Mexico) started to agitate for the release of a prisoner who had yet to stand trial in ‘Merka on charges of having an illegal weapon. Fox “News” would be the first to tell them to STFU to maintain the sovereignty of the ‘Merkin Justice System.

However, Fox “News” took up the cause of Jon Hammar, which became a crescendo as the week progressed.

If only they’d redesign their opinions. Amiright? Eh? Eh?

While Vicki Soto undoubtedly died a hero, concentrating on the victims is one of the ways Fox “News” has of avoiding the question of gun control in ‘Merka (reported in last week’s edition of The Fox “News” Spin Cycle). Early in the week Fox “News” was still flailing on how to report this story, especially as it was still several days away from the announced NRA presser, in which the Gun Rights organization would take a clear position which Fox “News” could parrot.

And, normally that would be a good thing. Especially after a tragedy like the Newtown Massacre. However, to give you some unsolicited advice, Bully Boy: processing works best when you listen to other voices and other points of view. You are so deep inside the Fox “News” bubble that you don’t realize that you came out of this believing no different than you did before 20 children were murdered with a gun. You didn’t process. You simply allowed things to solidify.

That quack?

This isn’t about gun-running, of course. This is about the fact that Jon Hammar allegedly (and even his mother admitted as such) tried to bring an illegal shotgun into Mexico. His mother says he declared it and then they arrested him. Izzat true? Who knows? His mother says she received phone calls trying to extort money from the family to facilitate Jon Hammar’s release. Izzat true? Who knows?

However, Fox “News” knows a good story when it creates one. It’s going to ride this one as far as it can.

Fox “News” just loved John Boehner’s Plan B.

IRONY ALERT: I could go to Der Googlizer and within 3 seconds can find dozens of links in which Loofah Lad was badgering or bullying someone. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

IRONY ALERT II: The Falafel King exploits Newtown tragedy to accuse the far-left of exploiting the Newtown tragedy.

Last week Fox “News” was taking pot shots (pun intended) at Matt Damon. This week it’s a whole new thangie.

Personally I found this a disgusting interview for a whole lot of reasons. Here are some:

First, this isn’t the first time Dr. Eben Alexander has been on Fox “News.” He was on back in October to promote his book “Proof of Heaven” in which he presents the ultimate proof for the existence of Heaven: When Dr. Alexander was in a coma he traveled to Heaven, hung around for 7 days, took copious notes, and came back to this mortal coil to write a book all about it. That’s his proof. Yeah, I know. Intelligent people might want to measure this guy for a straight-jacket, but Fox “News” breathlessly presented Dr. Eben Alexander as an authority on Heaven. There are many segments like this on Fox and Friends in which the Foxy Friends clearly promote a Christian understanding of Heaven (and Hell, for that matter) and the rest of the world. The whole War on Christmas is predicated on the concept that the only religious POVs worth broadcasting are from the Jesus cults, no matter what the denomination.

Then suddenly there’s a tragedy in Newtown and Fox and Friends drags this snake-oil salesman back on the air so he can promote his book all over again, and offer Christian comfort for the brain-dead viewers of Fox “News.” If you don’t believe me, watch this interview for yourself. It’s sickening and cloying. It promotes a narrow view of humanity, as if we can be nothing more than God-worshiping monkeys who have to believe in an  afterlife because this one is so fucked up.

That’s just my opinion, of course. Your mileage may vary.

For bonus points: Wretched Gretched couldn’t get through the interview without crying, demonstrating to the world her Christian bone fides and lack of professionalism simultaneously.

Since I started compiling these Fox “News” Spin Cycle posts, I’ve noticed a pattern to some of the posts. Yannow how everyone who is sentient has noticed the pattern on Fox “News” of them using the phrase “some people say“? Well, some of these UPDATES fall into the same category. However, on air Fox “News” can just allege what “some people say” without providing any proof whatsoever. When it’s a Twitter/facebook UPDATE Fox “News” has to actually find someone to say what it’s thinking.

That’s why people like Mark Levin, who is the farthest Right of all the Reich Wing crazies broadcasting in this country, can pop up as if he’s just another common man.

So, we know he wasn’t stupid.

Once again Loofah Lad uses his silly little quiz for propaganda purposes.

A PAC was created to keep the momentum and discussion on gun control going. I hardly think that makes them vultures, unless you agree with me that the NRA lying about President Obama and gun control to raise money over the last 4 years makes them vultures.

Sean Scammity, who has never divulged where all the money went for his fund-raising Freedom Concerts, has now taken up the cause of former-Marine Jon Hammar. And it’s still early in the week.
The source for this story later clarified and said that that is what he heard from others. In other words: Fox “News” was broadcasting hearsay. Later the boy’s father (yes, the source turned out to be a teenager) has said his son would have had no first hand knowledge. Despite this strong denunciation, Fox “News” kept promoting this angle of the story long after it had been debunked.

When will Fox “News” tell us that Nancy Lanza was a gun nut, who was
training to be a crack shot in case the government came a’knocking? Or,
is that merely an inconvenient fact? Here’s what else Fox “News” will never tell you: Whatever social difficulties Adam Lanza had (he is reported to have had Asperger’s, but I have yet to see that from any official source either), his mother was in all likelihood filling him with all kinds of crazy nonsense about government conspiracies, the kind that can usually only be heard on Fox “News.”

I loved their Whiter Shade of Pale single.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

And, yet, a slight bit of intelligence on the issue of gun control from Peter Johnson, Jr., who, Stephen Colbert has noted has 3 names that are all euphemisms of “penis.” It’s thought that the avuncular Johnson — who is not just a Knight of Malta, but also Roger Ailes private attorney, is Ailes’ most direct, unfiltered megaphone to the Fox “News” brain-dead viewers. Now that both Murdoch and Ailes have expressed an interest in some form of gun control, will the rest of the Fox “News” personalities follow along? Stay tuned. [h/t Media Matters]

Since Gabe Sherman said that Fox “News” was benching KKKarl Rove (and Dickish Morris) after disastrous election prognostications, Fox “News” had to understandably bring Rove back and pretend Sherman was wrong. This is just KKKarl Rove playing along because he knows it’s good for bidnezz, and Fox “News” will never reveal his conflict of interest during the election.

Kraut the Hammer was just one of many Fox “News” people who raised doubt that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was faking her illness. It’s disgusting. Clinton has said she will testify when she is well. I don’t think anyone will be able to stop her from doing so because she wants to, but Congress has subpoena power. It can compel her to testify. So, remind me again why this illness would prevent her from testifying?

And, it was no less stupid when Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell suggested it. It’s not a question of “Great minds think alike,” Bully Boy. It’s because “Fools never differ.”

Did you hear that sound? Fox “News” just had an orgasm.

Did you hear that new sound? Multiple orgasms.

Oh, fer fuck’s sake!!!

If it was on the Loofah Lad Full Spin Hour, it won’t be the truth.

If it were me: I would not have pushed my son’s face across the innertubes, no matter which king he played, even if he played The Falafel King.

Who can argue with logic like that? Fox “News.” That’s who. Fox “News” hates Michael Moore more than it ever did Osama bin Laden.

More bullshit from Fox “News.” There was no victory. The administration said, essentially, “We are still in the process of crafting an exemption for religious schools.” The court said, essentially, “See that you do so.” Nothing changed after that court decision. So, how does that make it a victory?

Loofah Lad proves he’s not the only Fox “News” personality who can badger and bully. Here he lauds Neil Cavuto for going “toe to toe” in an interview in which badgering and bullying are mild descriptions.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

This next series of screen caps is a perfect example of the “some people say” tactic from start to the inevitable finish. It begins with sober-thinking gun owner Ted Nugent penning another defense of guns in his regular Washington Times column.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.
Because Ted Nugent is saying what Fox “News” is thinking, Fox “News” feels this is worthy of passing along to its brain-dead followers.
Then Fox “News” decides it’s worthy enough to feature on its web site, where it is the headlined story mid-week. One of the Fox “News” personalities will say, “some people say it’s a matter of moral decay” in 3 … 2 … 1 … Anything to avoid talking about gun control.
However, to get another perspective one needs to read Right Wing Watch.

Sarah Palin, who Gabe Sherman has also written about, sees the opportunity to get a few kicks in at Sherman.

That’s not what I’ve asked for, Bully Boy. Here’s what I want for Christmas, if you have a mind to play Santa Claus:
I want you to show enough intestinal fortitude that you unblock me on Twitter.

Jake Tapper was the only reporter who asked a question about gun control at a press conference that was preceded by a Presidential Statement on gun control, and it came at the very end of the press conference. All the rest of the questions were about the fiscal cliff, even from the Fox “News” White House Correspondent. Yet, because Tapper criticized the president Fox “News” felt that was the moment from the press conference to pass along to its brain-dead viewers, even tho’ he’s a reporter from a competing network.

Because we all know how “Fair and Balanced” Republican Senator Marco Rubio is.

Hear that sound? The Five just had a simultaneous orgasm.
Fox “News” will always be ready to promote the John Boehner version of reality, but rarely will it pass along to its brain-dead followers what the President’s position is.

Then Loofah Lad climbs aboard the Jon Hammar bandwagon and features the story several days in a row.

Just think: It was only 12 months ago that Newt Gingrich thought he was smart enough to be president. He failed miserably in the primaries, which makes him perfect for Fox “News” punditry.

With everything that was going on this week, Ainsley Earworm forgot the cheesecake until mid-week.

It’s sad that Ainsley Earworm doesn’t share any leg cheesecake pics since she got married. I hope she still has her legs.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

By mid-week The Falafel King has jumped into the Jon Hammar story with both feet.

What makes Fox “News” think this woman is even relevant anymore? BTW: Is Sarah Palin still a Fox “News” employee or is her contract, and 15 minutes of fame, up now? Pretty please.

The Five’s Christmas party this year was quite an honour for the Aunty Em Ericann blog. I called my occasional snarky post about Bully Boy Bolling “Chow Mein and Bolling,” which is actually a pun based on the great Mike Nesmith tune “Chow Mein and Bowling.” In order to demonstrate that he totally gets the inside joke, Bully Boy Bolling INSISTED that this year’s The Five’s Christmas party would take place in a bowling alley. Thank you! Next year I hope to attend personally.

Because the only answer to guns are more guns.

IRONY ALERT III: If only KKKarl Rove had been cautious with 2012 predictions. He was as wrong as wrong can be, even after the election was called for President Obama.

Did you hear that? Yep, Fox “News” just had another group orgasm.
Another headline that misrepresents the truth. A coal plant is shutting down and it is citing regulations as the reason for doing so. It has decided to close, rather than retrofitting to comply with the laws. But: 1). President Obama doesn’t write the environmental laws; 2). Many of these EPA regs predate the Obama administration. However, if you only read the headline, you’d think that President Obama reached out of the Oval Office and slapped that company down. This is just another example of why Fox “News” is not “Fair and Balanced.” Never has been. Never will be.

Until he can’t any more.

One person said something that Loofah Lad didn’t like and that becomes “Liberal hate speech.”

It turns out John Boehner should have had a Plan C.

SPOILER ALERT: It was Loofah Lad, who took his latest demands to The Five. As only The Falafel King can, Bill O’ threatened President Obama and the Mexican government or else!!!

Just look at this public display of Loofah Lad arrogance: Not only did Loofah Lad threaten the Mexican government, but he also threatened the President of the United States. Who the hell does he think he is? There are times it’s hard to know who is the bigger bully, The Falafel King or Bully Boy Bolling.

Did you hear that? Bill O’Reilly just had an orgasm. I’m sure Loofah Lad, and the rest of Fox “News,” will take credit for Jon Hammar’s release. What’s worse, is they will come to believe it even though they know the whole story was bullshit to begin with.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

Reagan’s House heroes? What the hell are you talking about?

Did you hear that sound? Swiftboaters just had an orgasm.

The NRA finally spoke and Wayne LaPierre echoed the Fox “News” talking point that the cure for guns is more guns.

And, Geraldo Rivera’s talking point. When hoodies are outlawed, only outlaws will wear hoodies, right Geraldo?

I’m going to assume Freedom is the name of Bully Boy’s dog.

It’s a two-fer: Jesse Watters gets a Hawaiian vacation and finds a way to smear President Obama.

Hoo boy!!!

When video games are outlawed, only outlaws will play video games.

Another example of Fox “News” finding someone to say what it’s thinking. In this case it’s Herman “Nein Nein Nein” Cain.

The entire thinking nation mocked the NRA presser. Why should reporters be any different?

Just to put the issue of guns into a human perspective is this front page headline at the Huffington Post:

Here are just some of the gun deaths in the week after the Newtown Massacre, as reported by HuffPo.

I’ve always said that you’re a bully. Nice of you to prove it so often.

The sneer that launched a thousand Reich Wing smears.

Critics assailed NRA boss in return.

Sad news, folks. The weekend Three Stooges on the Curvy Couch are losing their Curly, as Dave Briggs is off to NBC Sports, which they couldn’t say because it’s another network. Any guesses on which Fox “News” Stooge will get tapped to play Shemp?

Fox “News” has a direct line to the Hammar family.

Say “buh bye” to Boehner.

Sarah Silverman is another Fox “News” nemesis.

I’m sure there’s a joke here somewhere.

I’m going to assume Freedom is the name of Bully Boy’s dog.

This picture demonstrates the great rapport the Sunday Panel has with each other.
More proof that Fox “News” doesn’t understand irony: It was pointed out that statistically White men are more likely to be serial killers or mass murderers. The suggestion to profile White men was meant as irony, not a serious proposal.

Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

Killing is good, as far as Fox “News” is concerned.

However, killing isn’t the reason for the season. Leave it to Bret “The Bear” Baier to remind us all what’s really important at this time of year:

Because everybody gets to spend the holiday at their condo in Florida. I know I will, but I happen to live here. Maybe next time you’re down this way we can get together for coffee, Bret.
This edition of The Fox “News” Spin Cycle was compiled the day before Christmas. We thought we would leave you with this warm holiday message from Libertarian Penn Jillette:
I gotcher War on Christmas right here!!!

About Headly Westerfield

Calling himself “A liberally progressive, sarcastically cynical, iconoclastic polymath,” Headly Westerfield has been a professional writer all his adult life.

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