Howdy Headliners! It’s April Fool’s Day. No joke. It’s also the birthday of Reggae star Jimmy Cliff. No joke. He loves the Headlines Du Jour of yesteryear:

• 1789 – In New York City, the United States House of Representatives holds its first quorum and elects Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania as its first House Speaker.
• 1826 – Samuel Morey patents the internal combustion engine.
• 1919 – The Staatliches Bauhaus school is founded by Walter Gropius in Weimar.
• 1924 – Adolf Hitler is sentenced to five years in jail for his participation in the “Beer Hall Putsch“. However, he spends only nine months in jail, during which he writes Mein Kampf.
• 1933 – The recently elected Nazis under Julius Streicher organize a one-day boycott of all Jewish-owned businesses in Germany, ushering in a series of anti-Semitic acts.
• 1946 – Aleutian Island earthquake: A 8.6 magnitude earthquake near the Aleutian Islands creates a tsunami that strikes the Hawaiian Islands killing 159, mostly in Hilo.
• 1949 – The Government of Canada repeals Japanese Canadian internment after seven years.
• 1970 – President Richard Nixon signs the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act into law, requiring the Surgeon General‘s warnings on tobacco products and banning cigarette advertisements on television and radio in the United States, starting on January 1, 1971.
• 1976 – Apple Inc. is formed by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne.
• 1979 – Iran becomes an Islamic republic by a 99% vote, officially overthrowing the Shah.
• 1997 – Comet Hale-Bopp is seen passing over perihelion.
• 2001 – Same-sex marriage becomes legal in the Netherlands, the first country to allow it.

Let’s get right to today’s Headlines Du Jour:

Zero U.S. Troops Died In Combat In March, The First Time In More Than A Decade

Atlanta archbishop apologizes
over $2.2M mansion

Christians Putting Bibles in
Schools Flip Out After Atheists
Hand Out Humanist Literature!

Pastor Who Prays for President
Obama to Die Preaches That
Women Should Shut Up in Church

How PBS whitewashed the abolitionist movement

Watch: ‘Obama May Well Be
A Homosexual’ Says GOP
Candidate For Governor

‘Influential Republicans’
trying to draft Jeb Bush

Colorado GOP candidate
calls Obama birth certificate a
‘myth’ in uncovered video

Rick Santorum: Uninsured people are deadbeats
and ‘won’t make a payment’ for Obamacare

Rick Santorum’s Wholesome Film Studio Has a Smutty Anime Secret

Ed McNeil: How Can a Bankrupt Detroit
Give Away Millions to Illitch Organization?

Firm that cleared Christie in
Bridgegate? Same one Nixon
mentioned in famous Checkers speech

Ralph Thrower, IRS Chief Who
Resisted Nixon, Dies at 100

From the vast Not Now Silly archives:
Did Roger Ailes Dupe James Rosen,
Or Did Rosen Dupe ‘Merka?

Dallas Police: Man Sends Dick Pic With
Job Application, Still Doesn’t Have a Job

Off-Duty Deputy Shoots Man After Catching Couple Having Sex in Community Pool

Pull up your pants or pay a fine! Louisiana parish introduces $50 saggy pants fine for first-time offenders and $100 for repeat offenders

Anti-Rob Ford campaign
posters pop up in Toronto

Lawrence O’Donnell Gets
Joe Scarborough To Admit
That Christie Is Absolutely Irredeemable

Boston Marathon Bombing Survivor Sues Glenn Beck
for Defamation

From the vast Not Now Silly archives:
The Day I Shook
Hands With Glenn Beck

Headlines Du Jour is a leisure-time activity of Not Now Silly, home of the
Steam-Powered Word-0-Matic, and your rest stop on the Information
Highway. Use our valuable bandwidth to post your news comments in
today’s open thread.