It’s the beginning of the first full week of the new year. I’ve yet to hear back from The O’Jays, but that fight’s so new the ink hasn’t dried on my rant yet. If I don’t hear back from them soon, I’ll be sending the robot drones after them. No matter. Let’s get right to today’s Headlines Du Jour.

BEST HEADLINE DU JOUR:

A man tried to rob a bank after paying
$500 to a wizard to make him invisible

GET THE DUCK OUTTA HERE:

GOP’s “Duck Dynasty” problem: Why Phil
Robertson was a hugely important political story

FREE THE WEED:

High Demand: Price of legal
marijuana soars in Colorado

Carl Sagan Also Smoked Pot Decades Ago. Here’s What He Had To Say About It.

Yuppie Prohibition League
Denounces Pot Legalization

Should the Florida Legislature go ahead
and approve medical marijuana?

MORE DISPATCHES FROM DETROIT, ‘MERKA’S FIRST THROWAWAY CITY:

Mike Duggan, Detroit’s First White Mayor in 40 Years, Takes Office

Duggan turns to cronies first

The Year We Broke the Internet
An explanation. An apology. A plea.

RELIGION CORNER:

Bill Nye To Debate Evolution At Kentucky Creation Museum

Pastor Tries to Walk on Water
Like Jesus, Then Drowns
in Front of His Congregation

100-Million-Year Old Amber
Fossil Preserves Ancient
Flowers Caught In The Middle
Of Sexual Reproduction

Bizarre ‘Earthquake Light’ Mystery Has Been Solved! They Aren’t UFOs

CRACK MAYOR CORNER:

Rob Ford Kicks Off Toronto Mayoral Campaign With Misinformation

Fox News and Right Wing Media Attack Journalists For Reporting the Truth About Benghazi

Here’s Exactly How Much the Government Would
Have to Spend to Make Public College Tuition-Free