Tag Archives: Unpacking The Writer

UPDATED: WebVee Guide ► Fun While It Lasted

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Still waiting for that Friday morning conference call

I am no longer associated with WebVee Guide in any way, shape or form.

I felt WebVee Guide an interesting concept, which is why I joined up. However, I simply cannot recommend, or work with, people who are so paranoid that they’d accuse me of appropriating their images and other intellectual property in my tweets and blog post promoting their web site.

They sent me a cease and desist order. Really. It came from a lawyer, who is one of the owners.

And that was only one thing they were angry about. They thought my tweets were unfair because they drove traffic to this post (which has now been changed because LAWYER!). When I agreed to be their Feature Writer, I simply didn’t realize they
also hired out my tweets and my blog posts. I was still labouring under the presumption that my Twitter feed remained my own and I could use it however I wanted. I also assumed that they’d be delighted that I used my blog real estate (and my own time creating it) to a blog post promoting
their site. I seemed to have misjudged.

So dear readers, I have now edited away all their intellectual property and severed all relations with WebVee Guide. Before I edited this blog post, 163 of my readers looked at it. I wonder how many went to WebVee Guide to check it out?

However, before I edited this page I actually waited 2 days. I sent them an email that tried to explain how they misinterpreted and mischaracterized my actions. When I didn’t hear back I agreed to cut all ties. And, that’s where we are now.

I note they still have me listed as a contributor. So far I have received no hits from it.

I have had some weird relationships with publications in my 40+ years as a professional writer, but this is right up near the top.

Unpacking the Writer ► A New Name; A New Look

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Aunty Em Ericann

When I was leaving Canada 9 years ago I told several people that my goal was to become a nationally known pundit under the nom de plume of Aunty Em Ericann. I did that.

For 8 years I became, for all intents and purposes, Aunty Em, entirely subsuming my identity under which I had already earned a writing reputation. It would have been far easier to have used my reputation as a writer, but somehow this writing project appealed to my warped sense of humour.

I have been a freelance journalist for the better part of 40 years. I got my start writing record reviews, eventually moving on to magazine work, investigative journalism, various words-for-hire projects. For ten years I worked as a Ventriloquist (News Writer) at Citytv. I have long joked that I have done every kind of writing there is, except greeting cards.  Not to blow my own horn, (if not me, who will?) but merely to explain what became a tangled mess in the end. However, as a professional writing project, the longest, greatest, funniest, most interesting, challenging and hardest I ever had was creating the Performance Art character of Aunty Em Ericann. Who knew she would eventually be hired to write for NewsHounds? When my editor agreed to let me keep the nom de plume, I was thrilled.

Johnny Dollar — aka Mark Koldys — plays with his organ.
Remember Mark, like ratings organ size doesn’t matter.

That all ended a year ago, an episode hilariously explored in the very first post on this blog: Johnny Dollar Has Proven Himself To Be A Very Dangerous Person. While he’s still dangerous, I was entirely mistaken: He’s barely a person. He’s a walking piece of shit who recently connected me to the terrorism in Boston. I no longer write for NewsHounds, but that hasn’t stopped him from smearing me.

Laughingly, Johnny Dollar seems to think I crossed some kind of line by publishing pictures of him with his family and he’s become incensed enough to expose his hypocrisy. Here’s the irony: Exposing my alternative lifestyle didn’t seem to cross any kind of moral line for Mark Koldys, but publishing his family pictures is despicable behaviour according to him. It’s refreshing to see he actually draws moral lines about some things, especially when he’s on the receiving end. But, I digress. This isn’t about THAT asshole, or his Flying Monkey Squad. Today’s a day of celebration.

Today is the One Year Anniversary of having that asshole expose my nom de plume and the day I created this blog. The original name of this blog was a reaction to not using my name for 8 long years. So desperate to finally get credit, I called it “Headly Westerfield’s.” To retain the continuity and help bring along my NewsHound readers I used the tagline “Aunty Em Ericann Blog.” However, it’s time to give it the blog a brand new look and a brand new name. Of course, it will still include all the words you’ve come to expect from me. Just in a totally different order for each blog post.

If I had no readers, I’d have 84,842 fewer reasons to write, because that’s how many views Not Now Silly has had since it launched a year ago. However, not to offend any of my faithful readers, I’d be writing even if you weren’t reading. I was a writer long before I had any readers more than 45 years ago.

However, credit where credit’s due: I’m quite fond of most of what has risen to the Top Ten, and that’s entirely because my readers have good taste.

Here’s the Top Ten Of All Time Not Now Silly blog posts (and the date published):

1). Musical Appreciation ► Brian Jones – Jul 3, 2012
2).  The Detroit Riots ► Unpacking My Detroit ► Part Five – Jul 22, 2012
3).  Day In History ► Josephine Baker Born – Jun 3, 2012
4).  Chow Mein and Bolling 5 ► Bully Boy Lies (Again) – Oct 4, 2012
5). Is Marc D. Sarnoff Corrupt Or The Most Corrupt Miami Politician? – Feb 6, 2013
6). Aunty Em Ericann’s Bun Fight With James Rosen of Fox “News” – May 15, 2012
7). How Mitt Romney Didn’t Build That – Oct 17, 2012
8). Day In History ► May 31, 1921 ► When Whites Went Crazy In Tulsa – May 31, 2012
9). Unpacking Coconut Grove ► Part Two ► E.W.F. Stirrup House – Jul 11, 2012
10). Another Magical Tee Vee Moment ► Barbara Walters ► Katehrine Hepburn ► Trees – Jun 1, 2012
  
So, onward and upward as we inaugerate Not Now Silly for the next 365 days. I’m glad you’re here to take the ride with me.

A special big Aunty Em shout out to Keg who designed the new Not Now Silly banner. Thank you so much. I love it.

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Unpacking The Writer – Out of the Archives

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A writer is always a writer. This writer has always been a writer. Over the course of my career I have written hundreds of articles that have been published. Every once in a while I reprint one of them here. This originally appeared in Hamilton Magazine.

The Ghost In The Machine

Nobody remembers who first named the ghost Harvey.

Harvey lives, if that’s the right word, at 121 Hughson Street North.  This non-descript building has, over the years, housed the Sons of England (in 1916 as the first tenant of record) and several other fraternal benevolent organizations; 2 insurance companies; both a dance and photographic studio, at separate times; the Unemployment Insurance Commission; a spice factory; and churches of several denominations, including Catholic and Hindu.

In 1980, the 121 Café took up residence.  The building has been a bar ever since.  Today the building is home to The Werx.

Considering its current use, it’s a fair question: Is it the spirit of Harvey that haunts the bar, or the spirits of Johnny Walker Black?

It’s almost certain that Harvey is not his real name.  His history cannot be confirmed. It is whispered he was once the building’s custodian and lived in a small room at the back of the main floor.  Injured in a fire in the building, he later died at Hamilton General Hospital, about a kilometre away.  The distance meant nothing, because he’s back at 121 Hughson Street North as if he never left. 

Rob McConnell is a long time student of “strange and mysterious stuff and things that go bump in the night.”   He’s been interested in the paranormal since childhood, when he saw what he describes as flying cigar-shaped object.  “It definitely was a UFO because it was unidentified.  Whether or not it was from planets beyond the solar system, I couldn’t tell you.”

More than 40 years later McConnell is considered one of the southern Ontario’s foremost experts on the unusual.  He’s host & Executive Producer of The ‘X’ Zone Radio/Television Show; President of Ghost Tours of Canada and part owner of Niagara Ghost & Paranormal Tours.  He has also narrated segments of Creepy Canada, the Discovery Network’s excursion into the paranormal.

McConnell has no problem believing Harvey could exist.  “Do I believe?  I certainly do.  Have I ever seen a ghost?  Unfortunately, not.” 

“There are so many theories out there on what a ghost is.  Some people believe it’s a magnetic imprint in time.  Other people believe it is somebody who was taken without finishing their earthly mission.  Other people believe ghosts come back to console those they’ve left behind.  There are so many hypotheses out there, but there is no fact.”

And what does McConnell believe? 

“It’s just another part the multi-dimensional world we live in.  This is just a theory, [but] the sighting of a spirit could be the transition of one dimension into the other.”

Despite the fact that McConnell conducts his own ghost tour of the Niagara region, he’s not so gullible to believe every story he’s heard. 

“The paranormal is a heyday for those who want to make a quick buck.  There are many, many less-than-credible people out there, charging phenomenal amounts to go in and exorcize your house of ghosts.  [….] The paranormal is a very strong marketing tool.  I don’t know how many places in Niagara on the Lake, and throughout Niagara, use spirits to bring customers in.“

Haunted Hamilton has only recently come to realize the marketing potential of ghosts.  Started 4 years ago by Stephanie Lechniak, 24, and Daniel Cumerlato, 26, after seeing a similar endeavour in Toronto, Haunted Hamilton has grown faster than envisioned.  Now, nearly every Saturday night, Haunted Hamilton conducts a ghost walk, exploring either the Hermitage, downtown Hamilton, the Customs House, or the Stoney Creek Battlefield.  Word of mouth is spreading.  An average of 30 people go on the walks, at $10 a head, but there have been as many as 75 on a walk. 

With such expansion and growth, they are talking about adding regular Friday night ghost walks.  Earlier this year Haunted Hamilton hosted the 1st Annual Paranormal Summit and future plans have it opening Haunted Hamilton Headquarters in an historic James Street South location, where they can sell tickets to the ghost walks full time.  Stephanie and Daniel take pride their walks are as much about Hamilton history as specters spooking downtown, since they spent untold hours in the Special Collections department of the main library, in research. 

*  *  *

Which brings us back to Harvey.

It’s the night of a new moon, if that matters.  It is also Karaoke Night at The Werx.  A dozen patrons hug the bar, but not for support.  It’s the only place you can puff away under Hamilton’s smoking by-law.  No paranormal activity is apparent, unless one considers Damien Dommer channelling Freddie Mercury on Somebody to Love.

Dommer is the owner of The Werx and host of its Karaoke Night.  He’s a barrel-chested 37-year old who bought the property in 2001, with his partner Tom.  As a patron of the bar long before he bought it, Dommer knew that he was also buying Harvey’s residency, but was unconcerned. 

“I just figured that at some particular time he would probably realize that we weren’t going to be going anywhere.”

He’s so matter of fact on the subject.  “I’m a Pagan, in all senses of the term.  It’s very open for me to believe a spirit could be here.”

Besides, “I didn’t care if he wanted to reside here.  Some of the things he did weren’t very bothersome.”

That all changed on the night a large stained-glass logo of the bar crashed to the floor.  Naturally, Harvey got the blame. 

“I was in the bar, but not in the same room.  How that ever came off we have no idea.  It was literally screwed through the links [of a chain] onto the wall.  It went flying off the wall onto the ground.  It’s not as if it fell.  It totally missed everything on top of the beer fridge.  The one customer who was sitting there when it happened, was white.  She was pale.  She could not believe that that thing had moved horizontally.  It didn’t tumble down.  It flew down.”

Dommer points to where the stained glass landed.  It’s about 10 feet from where it once hung.  To have fallen from the screws on the wall, which are still visible, would mean the object had to defy gravity, moving south 3 feet, east 8 feet, and vaulting the bar….all at the same time.

Of the current staff at The Werx, Nancy Gleeson has known Harvey the longest.  She’s been the building custodian for 12 years and has had several encounters.

“He’s very playful.  He likes to play with the customers and the staff.  He’ll go along the bar and brush customers’ shoulders all the way down the line.  They would all turn around at the same time.

“[Another] night he was playing that piano in the small dining room.  There were 8 of us sitting around after work, having a drink, and we all heard it.  We walked down the hallway and as soon as my friend put his hand on the doorknob, it stopped.  The door was locked.  We opened it up and there was nobody there.”

Tonight, hopefully, there will be somebody there.  Within hours, the Kitchener Waterloo Paranormal Research Society – also known as the Girly Ghostbusters – will arrive to conduct a ghost hunt. 

*  *  *

The writer has brought the Girly Ghostbusters to this location to find Harvey.  The writer has heard all of these stories before, as a long time patron of the bar.  With an assignment to write about ghosts in Hamilton, he figures it might be worth a Nobel Prize to sit down and interview Harvey.

The staff has mixed feelings about hunting Harvey.  Gleeson says, “I would love to find Harvey.  I think that’s one of the reasons I’ve had the most encounters with him, is because he’s looking for somebody to –“ her voice trails off, realizing Harvey might soon be moving on.

Dommer is more succinct. 

“If somebody could communicate to him that we don’t mean him any harm.  We would be interested in finding out why here’s here.  And if he needs to stay here, then he’s welcome here.  If he’s searching for something or needs us on this side to help him pass over, it would be interesting if he could communicate that to us.  If he is wanting to be on the other side, and he’s stuck in a sort of a limbo, we would be interested.  If I had to get 50 people to stand in a circle to wish him well onto the other side, I can arrange that.”

The Girly Ghostbusters burst into The Werx just after midnight.  While photographs show them to be Goth Gals, they arrive looking more Josie and the Pussycats than The Craft.  Attire for a ghost hunt is more pedestrian: jeans and t-shirts. 

The Girly Ghostbusters are Nicole Dobie, 21, Dana Matthews, 23, Jen Kieswetter, 19, and Corrie Matthews, also 19. 

Dana and Corrie are sisters.  Jen is their cousin.  Nicole has been a friend for nearly a decade.  Interviewing them is difficult as one finishes the thought of another.  Asked how they arrived at the improbable hobby of ghost busting, Corrie says, “Each one of us has always had an interest in the paranormal.  About 2 years ago we separately started becoming interested in ghost hunting.  We found out you can actually ghost hunt – you could go out with your equipment and try and document your own paranormal proof.”  

Dana finishes.  “We went out one night, after surfing through the Internet and looking at some pictures, then watching ghost shows on TV.  We decided we were going to go out with an old 35 mm camera and a bunch of bent coat hangers to the local cemetery and we’ve been hooked ever since.”

Corrie carries a heavy case with the group’s scientific equipment.  When asked what scientific equipment she has in there she replies, “All kinds of crap.”

The Girly Ghostbusters have been told nothing about Harvey, other than the fact that he’s in the building.  It will be up to them to find him.

Dana and Nicole bring out their pendulums to look for “energy,” which could be residual traces of Harvey.  One of the first surprises is the direction where Dana’s pendulum keeps pointing.  It’s clearly pointing to a locked door at the bottom of the stairs leading to the top floor, a space that’s unoccupied and used for storage. 

Right outside this door Harvey has been known to play tricks.

Before the GG arrive, a tape recorder captures Dommer’s story.  “Tom, my partner, was vacuuming.  He shut the vacuum cleaner off and walked away and the vacuum went on by itself.  It’s one of those where you press the button, it actually clicks off and you have to click it back on again.  It went on all by itself and there was no one else around.”

Now, the Girlies want to climb those stairs, based on the readings of the pendulum.  On the top floor, they feel disquieted.  According to the GG there are pockets of cold and dead air in the smaller of the two rooms on the top floor.  The writer cannot detect the changes in temperature.

The ghost hunt continues.  The GG are told there is no place they cannot explore, so every room is investigated, every nook and cranny of the labyrinthine building is examined.  Two tape recorders are running constantly, while the Girly Ghostbusters relate their sensations. 

At one point Dana feels a tug on her sleeve and describes it as if someone is trying to get her attention.  No one is near her when that happens.  A flurry of camera flashes and the spot where the tug is felt is documented on digital disc for later examination.  Looking in the small viewfinder, Jen thinks she may have captured an “orb” with the camera.

She explains, “Orbs are, what some ghosthunters believe, are tiny little balls of light.  They’re 3-dimensional, they’re not dust.  You can actually see them as moving balls of light.  What they believe is an orb is one of the first steps that the spirit has into making a full apparition.  So, orbs would be first.  Spirit eco would be next, which is that sort of smoky, foggy vapour.  Then you would get vortexes, which are really strong dark spirals that, sort of, zoom through pictures.  Those are just the different levels spirits take to fully form.“

At another point Dana is convinced someone has whispered the name “Rick” in her ear.  Coincidentally, Harvey has been known to tease staff by whispering their names in their ears.  However, no one present knows what “Rick” could mean, unless Harvey is trying to reveal his real name.

After all four floors are examined, the Girly Ghostbusters and Damien go back to the Zen Lounge to compare notes and for the GG to finally learn about Harvey. 

This is where it gets a little strange. 

In a building with four floors and thousands of square feet on each – with small rooms off larger rooms and crawl spaces everywhere – there are many places one could say one felt something mysterious.  However, the Girly Ghostbusters only had sensations where Harvey has been known to play his tricks.  Where Harvey has never been sighted, they report nothing.  It’s clear to the writer that the Girly Ghostbusters have had many more hits than misses. 

Elation turns to disappointment when the Girly Ghostbusters admit they don’t communicate with spirits, they just document their existence.  If Dommer wants to get his message of welcome to Harvey, he’s going to have to bring in a clairvoyant to pass along the sentiments, or resort to Ouija board.

*  *  *

A few days later, Dommer agrees to another interview. 

It’s hard to keep him to the subject of the ghost hunt because he has pictures to show, taken the afternoon of the evening in question.

“These were some pictures taken by my friend’s digital camera the day we were outside doing the patio.  You remember they [GG] were talking about orbs, and they said they felt it immediately around the building.  This may freak you out.  My friend was taking some very innocent pictures and he came across, without even knowing, what I believe to be exactly what it is they were talking about.”

The pictures are examined.  Some clearly show some orb-like things floating in the frames.  It’s not something on the lens because some of the pictures are normal.  Sunlight or reflection are ruled out because the pictures were taken from all directions, not to mention from ground level and from the height of the fire escape.

Nothing seems to satisfactorily explain the orbs in the pictures.

Pulling Dommer back to the subject at hand.  Will he continue to look for Harvey?

“I think I will.  They said to get a clairvoyant in here or ask Harvey to reveal himself in a dream.  I have no problems sleeping upstairs and asking Harvey to come to me in a dream.  I hope I remember what it is.  Look.  Maybe Harvey doesn’t really exist.  We don’t know.  We don’t have any concrete proof, but I would love to know if there is somebody here, what he’s doing here, and what’s his story.”

If that ever happens, 121 Hughson Street North could officially be on the ghost walk of downtown conducted by Haunted Hamilton.

NB: This was my final draft before my editor made any subsequent changes. Any typos, or bad grammar, are mine. The title of the article and the graphics were not part of the article as originally published.

Unpacking The Aunty Em Ericann Blog ► A Writer’s Rant

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Having been a professional writer for my entire adult life, I have come to the conclusion that Bill Gates ruined my trade.

Writing has always been something I did for as long as I can remember. If I wasn’t being paid to write, I was writing something for which one day I hoped to be paid. If neither, I was journaling, trying to capture smoke with my pen and ink hieroglyphics that often only I could decipher.

It was back at Sheridan College in the early ’70s that I got my first taste of writing to a deadline. I also learned how to publish on deadline, when I became the editor of “A” Student Magazine, working with an entire staff of writers and graphic designers to get issues out on time.

I was taking Media Arts and always assumed I would go into tee vee, or movies. Writing for the college paper was just for fun. So was being a DJ at Radio Sheridan, the ‘underground’ radio station that myself and several others had built from scratch a few years before. When I graduated, I became the first full-time paid manager for Radio Sheridan, which had been floundering after a series of part-time, student volunteer Station Managers almost drove the station into the ground.

Writing about music. What could be more fun?

During this period I started my first freelance writing/editing career. [There have been several.] First came ZoundZ Magazine, a small Rock and Roll handout placed at record store cash registers all over Toronto. Marty Herzog was my business partner and managing editor for a couple of years, for a couple of publications, as far back as “A” Student Magazine. ZoundZ [the second “z” was backwards] led to being asked to edit Cheap Thrills by Concert Productions International. It had promised a publication as part of its Cheap Thrills membership, a VIP line for ordering concert tickets. However a Cheap Thrills publication had never been produced and they were getting flack.

I was 100% against the idea. I loved the idea of having our own publication, without adult supervision. ZoundZ was starting generate income. We were being forced to consider more pages and a larger print run to justify the advertising we were getting from some of the “majors.” However, I didn’t have the headaches Marty did. He had been fronting all the money to have ZoundZ published. Aside from this, he did all the running around to printers and vendors, and sold all the advertising. Marty decided to ‘sell out’ to Michael Cohl and CPI (which really only solved his money headache) and I went along for the ride. [See my previous post on Ivor Wynne Stadium] For the first time in our loose partnership I was suddenly an employee. When Marty started ordering up good reviews of certain records because that’s what he promised the record company, I took a hike. My opinion was never for sale. I went back to freelancing. Marty went on to work for the record company to which he promised good reviews.

Over the years I have done every kind of writing there is, except the greeting card. I’ve crafted Hollywood puff pieces and gritty Rock and Roll profiles; written for Canadian music trade papers and various record companies; created artist bios, as well as reviewed concerts and records; practiced investigative and political journalism; did an entire decade as a tee vee news writer, where I called myself a ventriliquist; and, using the nom de plume Travis Bickel, wrote a regular column for Taxi News, while I drove cab and continued to sharpen my free lance Word-0-Matic Machine.

One of the supreme ironies is that I also wrote the first column in Canada which explored the nascent World Wide Web, still being called The Information Superhighway. I sucessfully pitched the editor of “We Computes,” a publication about hardware, the idea of monthly consumer-style column on those funny “http” things that had started to crop up everywhere you looked. At first Eric was baffled because even he didn’t know what an URL was and what it did. However, in the end, he took a monthly column for a couple of years, until a guide for navigating the World Wide Web seemed superfluous.

This is the same period when Bill Gates was turning the Information Superhighway into a point-and-click dealie. In the days of 300 baud modems and BBSs, one needed to know EXACTLY what to type on the C: prompt to get the computer to do anything whatsoever. Before Bill Gates made it easy, one needed to know programs like PINE and understand how to navigate USENET. Then came the mouse and GUIs and everything changed.

Suddenly HTML ruled and everybody and their brother thought they were a writer, which totally devalued the craft. Everywhere I go (on the innertubes) from the smallest sites to the largest, I see poorly written and poorly edited web sites. Most of these are making money hand-over-fist (whatever the hell that cliche means). Meanwhile, I’ve barely figured out how to monetize this web site. [I continue to be open to suggestions.] If I were being paid by the hour for these words, I’d starve. The irony is that I should have seen this coming and found a way to cash in. 

That’s why every once in a while I write one of these Unpacking The Aunty Em Ericann Blog posts, which my regular readers recognize as my way of urging them to click on one of the adverts. They know it doesn’t cost a cent, but will put a few — and I do mean few — cents in my pocket. Go ahead. It won’t hurt at all.

Now, don’t you feel better? Meanwhile, let’s break down the Top Ten Posts for the last 30 days, pulling back the curtain:

A moment on this blog frozen in time.

My post on the Detroit Riots has exploded. While it’s #1 for the month at 488 hits, it’s managed to climb to #3 on the All Time Top Posts with 916 views. That means most of the growth came in the past month for reasons that totally elude me. I’m grateful, because it’s one of the posts I’m most proud of.

The next 3 posts are all interrelated. I’ve been researching Coconut Grove, more specifically E.W.F. Stirrup, for several years now. The #2 post contains the latest research and celebrates Coconut Grove’s birthday. During my research into West Grove, someone in the neighbourhood alerted me to a controversy that was already being called Trolleygate. An Introduction to Trolleygate and The Trolleygate Dog and Pony Show are my first two investigative pieces on Trolleygate, a scandal that’s sure to keep on giving.

The rest of the Top Ten is filled with Fox News Snark, but sneaking into the pack at #7 is my post on Josephine Baker, another one I’m proud of. It also seems to be a favourite of my readers because it clocks in as #2 on the All Time Top Posts list with, 1,235 clicks.

So, there you have it. If you got this far, you owe me. Click on an advert or you’ll never be able to look at yourself in the mirror without feeling a pang of guilt. Seriously.

Fun With Pictures ► Unpacking The Aunty Em Ericann Blog

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Vulcan mind-meld — you’re doing it wrong.
Caption Contest winner: ET

To pick up where I left off in my Unpacking The Aunty Em Ericann Blog series, dear readers . . .

In the wake of Johnny Dollar exposing my nom de plume and sex life — and while still mightily pissed off — I created a facebook page called The Johnny Dollar Depreciation Society and invited some people to join. Only 15 people ever did and I promptly forgot all about it. That is, until recently. The other day I added a few more pics of Johnny Dollar that people had sent me over the last few months, as I continue to research my book.

This morning I received the following private message from a █████ ██████, who claims to be the brother to the aforementioned walking pile of human excrement Mark Koldys. Why anyone would admit to that is beyond me, but he did. Now I need to caution everybody that anyone can claim to be █████ ██████. Furthermore, any █████ ██████ can claim to be a brother to one of the biggest assholes on the planet, just like I claimed to be Aunty Em Ericann for 7 fun years. Just like anyone can claim to be Morty Shatz, Ngu AliceSamatha, or Oy Humidity, all recent facebook contacts that I suspect of being Dollarites who are catfishing me.

You see, dear reader, that’s one of my problems these days. Johnny Dollar has made me extremely paranoid about every new out-of-the-woodwork-interweb-contact, including professed brothers of supreme assholes. And, that’s a terrible position for a journalist to be in.

Anyway, I digress. This particular ‘Brother █████’ wrote to The Johnny Dollar Depreciation Society, which is me:

Hello. I was hoping you would consider a request. Your site is most interesting however I do hope that your intended focus is not the dead parent of Johnny D or his brother (myself a lifelong Democrat..Kerry, Gore, Obama). You may feel free to tangle with him to your hearts content. I have asked Facebook to request you remove just the family pictures. I am hoping you will do so. I have no dog in this fight. However remember an old saying… If you kick the dog you own the bite… if you tickle the dog you own the delight.
I appreciate your understanding.

What a polite message and that’s no snark. I’m assuming this so-called █████ ██████ is referring to this picture:

Unlike how I posted this pic on facebook, the innocent faces are blacked out.
Mark Koldys is on the far right with the pens in his pocket and the snazzy plaid pants.

My very public reply:

█████: Thank you for your polite message. It’s just a shame you didn’t come to me first before you alerted facebook.

However, how can I refuse such a polite request? I removed the picture from The Johnny Dollar Depreciation Society as soon as I received your request. As you say, my intended focus is not your deseased father ████ [pictured at left] or yourself [middle]. Unfortunately, facebook was unaware I had already removed the COVER picture, so it removed a new COVER picture that (I assume) you would not have disproved of. Oh well.

Mark Koldys at some nuptials

Having said all that, your alleged brother deserves whatever public humiliation which can be brought down upon him. In his effort to defend Fox “News” against the indefensible, your brother has “gone over the line” on so many occasions. No one cares that he defends Fox “News.” Different strokes, and all that. It’s that his modus operandi is lies, misdirection and personal attacks. He is, dare I say it, the very type of person that’s hurting ‘Merka.

Mark Koldys proved he will stoop to ANY low when he viciously attacked NewsHound writer Aunty Em Ericann (me!) and exposed the fact that I was using that as my Performance Artist Nom De Plume™, even though hundreds of people already knew and it was not that big a secret. While I always
expected that to happen eventually, I never expected there would be an asshole creepy enough to expose details of my sex life at the same time.
Enter and sign in please, Mark Koldys, aka Johnny Dollar.

Just so you know, █████, because I think you should have all the facts, the details of my sex life were later removed from his blog, now leaving it up to
everyone’s imagination what it might be. He even threatened to put it back because I complained about that. Johnny Dollar — Mark Koldys — has never apologized for what he did to me and
even defended it on several occasions. He only removed the details, he
made abundantly clear, because it offended the precious sensibilities of
one of his sycophants, not because he had any crisis of confidence.

IRONY ALERT: Mark Koldys decrying the exact
tactics he employs against every NewsHound writer.

Furthermore, he did this knowing full-well that I was about to attend a large family reunion in the Detroit area. That you claim to be his family and are feeling some slight discomfort about a pic on facebook is kind of cute. I had to explain this brouhaha to HUNDREDS of people, including family and friends. Every once in a while, 9 months later, it still pops up and I have to explain all over again.

How much of your own sex life have you been forced to share with how many people?

“Some people say” I was merely collateral damage in the 8-year war Johnny Dollar has waged against the NewsHounds web site. If you feel wounded remember you’re just another casualty of your alleged brother’s dirty business.

Before I sign off █████, I’m hoping the following anecdote will make you laugh as much as it did “some people” who dislike Johnny Dollar:

On the same day I posted the pic that you asked me to remove from facebook, a friend taught me how to use Google Images to search a particular image for similar images. Just for shits and giggles I plugged your brother’s picture into the search engine. I admit I was really just being a jerk, but it seemed like a fun exercise at the time. Unfortunately it found no matches. However, as a secondary function, Google returns “Visually similar images.” I took a screen cap, because that also amused me. Then I shared it with some people who dislike Johnny Dollar, for no other reason than I knew it would amuse all of us.

That’s when one of them pointed out that on the bottom row, in the very middle, is Josef Mengele, Adolph Hitler’s Angel of Death.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Josef Mengele

I haven’t stopped laughing since and keep wondering how many other mass murderers are among those 27 mugshots.

Once again, █████, I appreciate your good manners, something your alleged brother clearly never learned. I have no quarrel with you. Feel free to friend me on facebook, subscribe to my Twitter feed, or follow my blog. And, why not join The Johnny Dollar Depreciation Society while you’re at it. You’d be welcome.

With all my love,
Aunty Headly

Unpacking The Aunty Em Ericann Blog ► New Year’s Resolutions

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Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go: I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, other than a promise to myself to get through the upcoming year. Even that is out of my ultimate control, because the Flying Spaghetti Monster manifests itself into all our destinies.

However, we can take a look backward at 2012 without offending the FSM’s sensibilities. Two-thousand and twelve was the year I transitioned from Aunty Em Ericann back to Headly Westerfield. In a nutshell (because I still get email asking about it), here’s how that happened:

  • Woke up one day to discover that the walking piece of human excrement Mark Koldys, also known as Johnny Dollar, revealed my nom de plume of Aunty Em Ericann, along with details of my sex life. No, really! I couldn’t believe it either;
  • To Johnny Dollar’s eternal dismay, the outing of my nom de plume accidentally confirmed every other aspect of Aunty Em’s biography that J$ had placed in doubt, including whether I had ever worked at Citytv;
  • Left NewsHounds of my own volition when I had a disagreement with the editor on whether NewsHounds should retaliate for the above;
  • Started the Aunty Em Ericann Blog with the post disallowed at NewsHounds.

The Aunty Em Ericann Blog picks up from Aunty Em’s Place, the blog I launched when I first created the meta-character of Aunty Em Ericann. When I created her and her biography I had no idea I would one day be using the pen name to write news. However, at some point in time, I was approached by the editor at NewsHounds, where I was already commenting on threads, whether I wanted to write for the blog. I thought that was an honour because I was already a fan of NewsHounds and the movie Outfoxed.

If you don’t know Outfoxed, here’s the trailer:
[Psst! The whole thing can be found online, but that’s between me, you and the doorpost, okay?]

While I agreed to write for NewsHounds, I demanded to continue to write under the name Aunty Em Ericann, even though I revealed to her my real identity. She agreed. I think she was happily surprised that I actually worked as a tee vee news writer at Citytv for a decade. However, at the same time, she must have thought I was crazy because I had some very wacky ideas for Aunty Em’s posts. Aunty Em was always meant to be a meta-character, who would comment as much on the pop culture of the day as on Fox “News.” My editor quickly disabused me of this notion with her judicious editing. Eventually I fell into line and no longer had to be edited and could post directly to the NewsHounds blog.

Being unmasked as Aunty Em has been both freeing and a constricting. On one hand I no longer have to keep my posts to Fox “News” and they don’t have to rise to the same level of accuracy. On the other hand: There was always some protection from the Reich Wing Nut Jobs, who (I fear) all own guns. Speaking of enemies: Since leaving NewsHounds and launching the Aunty Em Ericann Blog, I’ve made more enemies at Fox “News” than I ever had at NH.

That’s because I can’t leave Fox “News” alone as a source of merriment.

Happy New Year!!!

Unpacking the Aunty Em Ericann Blog

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Welcome to my occasional entry of Unpacking the Aunty Em Ericann Blog, where I ask my readers to pay attention to the man behind the curtain, who used to be “Aunty Em Ericann,” the woman behind the curtain.

Before I left Canada, 7 years ago, I told several people (who may now be too embarrassed to admit to knowing me) that I was going to become a nationally-known pundit in ‘Merka under the nom de plume “Aunty Em Ericann.” To that end I created the meta-character named Aunty Em Ericann, who eventually came to write at NewsHounds. The back story for Aunty Em was deceptively simple. Here’s her biographical profile:

Emily Ericann. That’s my real name. Well it was, before I went back to my maiden name after the divorce. My ex and I were dating for 2 months before we realized that if we got married my name could be pronounced “american” (Em Ericann). After it all went bad, I realized that’s the only real reason we got married. Ironically, I am a former American. However, I lived in Canada three and a half decades and became a Canadian citizen along the way. And yet, I recently returned to The Land of My Birth to take care of my aged father. Shocked by the before and after differences in America, I will use this forum to speak out. 

Some members of the Miklós Rózsa Society. Miklós
Rózsa is in the center. The sack of shit who hides
behind the name of Johnny Dollar is on the far left.

I got away with the nom de plume for a number of years before the two-legged piece of excrement named Johnny Dollar decided it was his mission in life to expose Aunty Em’s identity, along with my sex life. That story is outlined in Johnny Dollar Has Proven Himself To Be A Very Dangerous Person, the very first post on this blog.

However, my long-time readers already know that story. If they’ve been paying attention they also know that my Unpacking Aunty Em Ericann Blog series is merely an excuse to find clever ways to remind them to click on some of the advertising, so I can keep the Aunty Em Ericann Blog rolling. It won’t cost you anything, but will add a few pennies (and I do mean few) to my coffers, helping to support this enterprise.

I’m looking at YOU!

Meanwhile, one statistic I can access through the Blogger platform is
what search terms people have used to find their way to the Aunty Em Ericann Blog. Take a look at this chart for this week:

Top Ten search terms delivering readers to the “Aunty Em Ericann” blog this week. They all make sense except #8.

I don’t know what disturbs me the most: That this week one of the search terms that people used to arrive here was “boy staked to the ground”; that three separate people used the search term “boy staked to the ground”; or that, somehow, “boy staked to the ground” brings people to my blog, even though I’ve tried it without any luck. While I’m thinking about it, I’m not so sure of Arawak People being on this blog either.

From time to time I also like to review what my Top Ten posts are. I can see which ones are highly-rated at any given moment in time, or by the day, by the week, by the month, and of all time since the Aunty Em Ericann Blog launched.

My Top Ten most popular posts of All Time

My Top Ten Posts of All Time™ in handy clickable hypertext:

 

Click on one of the links above to read one of my Top Ten blog entries, or just go exploring from the front page. There’s guaranteed to be a story or two you like, or maybe something that merely pisses you off. However, just keep in mind that it would be a small favour to me for you to click on one of the adverts . . . or two . . . on the Aunty Em Ericann Blog.

Unpacking The Writer ► First In A New Series

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I started my professional career on a machine like this.
I still bang my keyboard as if it’s a manual typewriter
and I wear off the most used letters within a year.

Welcome to the inaugural post of a new, occasional blog series that will look into the machinations of being a professional writer. Pay attention to the man behind the curtain.

Last night I found dozens of files in a folder that was buried inside a folder, which was nested in another folder, that was interred deeply on the hard drive of my computer. I didn’t realize I was still lugging this stuff around. It’s not all that heavy.

It’s a strange melange of files and contains a lot of crap, but there’s also some wonderful stuff that would be called ephemera, if it were actually printed on paper. Some of it’s fascinating; some is dross. There are angry letters, email from the early ’90s, query letters to editors, articles I clipped and saved, research links, sketches for short stories, articles I started writing “on spec” but never found a place to publish, and some files that I don’t even remember how they got there or who wrote them.

Included are several early drafts of published articles. Like the one below. This article was originally published by Hamilton Magazine and was a lot of fun to write. At the time I was fairly new to Hamilton, Ontario, and knew almost nothing of its history. Consequently, then entire article had to be researched extensively. Before it could be narrowed down to 50 items, I had to come up with a list of some 100 items, which me and an editor whittled down. The file is named DRAFT 15. There still would have been changes and corrections made before
it was published [and I see a few I would make], but
this is the version that was approved and for which I finally
got paid. I am publishing it as is. However, I added the illustrations, a few hyperlinks, and a couple of writer’s notes that I couldn’t resist.

Since Hamilton Magazine is not using it any longer, I will. I presume the copyright has reverted back to me by now. If not: Oh well.

  

Hamilton Magazine’s
Silver Anniversary
25 Years to Remember & Forget

It’s been a wild ride.

From good to bad and back again, Hamilton
Magazine has been there.
It’s not been all Sterling Silver. Some of
it has been merely Silver-Plated. A lot of it was steel. From polluted air and
harbours to the comeback of Cootes Paradise. From Opening
Nights to Closing Days. From Mayor Jack MacDonald to
the dawn of Morrow to Mayor Rob Wade. Disasters.
Parks. Eateries.
When an anniversary rolls around, it’s hard
not to get a little nostalgic and want to look back. So indulge and forgive
Hamilton Magazine if we reminisce on the last two and a half decades and
commemorate moments worthy of distinction – and some we would just as soon
forget. Which we plan to do, as soon as we get it out of our
system.
Your own mileage may vary.

1.     
OUR COPPS IS TOPPS: There may be no
bigger booster of Hamilton
than Sheila Copps, Liberal MP for Hamilton East and daughter to the city’s
second longest-serving mayor Victor. Sitting in cabinet in Ottawa variously as Deputy Prime Minister,
Environment Minister, and of late, Heritage Minister, she has been quick to
find and send federal money our way. Her defenders say that because she’s a
smart, confident and outspoken woman, she threatens the male power structure
and that’s the reason she gets a bad rap. From the first Copps hasn’t allowed
the sexist baiting to get the best of her. When, as new MPP at Queen’s Park
she was directed to “go back to the kitchen” she responded by presenting the
offender an autographed Liberal cookbook. She’s thrown her hat in the ring to
be the next Leader of the Liberal party and, if something happens to the Paul
Martin juggernaut, the former Rat Packer could become our next Prime
Minister.

  1. COPPS AN ATTITUDE: Sheila Copps has not always brought welcome press and been a
    positive ambassador for Hamilton.
    In her various squabbles at Queens
    Park and
    Parliament, she has variously been described as “the Princess of
    Innuendo,” “yattering,” “Goddamn ignorant
    bitch” (by former-Burlington Tory MP Bill Kempling),
    “baby,” and “slut” (again by Kempling). A
    constant knock against “Tequila Sheila” is that she’s shrill. And, no,
    it’s not just a gender thing. Women feel that way too. Even Sheila. In
    January of ’73, she admitted “Because I am a woman, my vocal cords
    tighten up when I get excited and I sound shrill.”

    Her defenders say a male politician would never be subjected to scrutiny
    by Blackwell, but that didn’t stop the fashion maven from declaring,
    “Her hair would look good on a man” and “As a fashion statement, she’s
    zero.”

    Sheila Copps with the recently
    deceased Lincoln Alexander.

    For better or worse, she’s our Sheila Copps.

2.     
SEASONS IN THE SUN: In 1986,
Hamiltonians celebrate as the Tiger Cats humiliate the Edmonton Eskimos, by a
score of 39-15, to take home the Grey Cup.

Thirteen years later: The Ti-Cats do it all over again, trouncing the Calgary
Stampeders 32-21 to the delight of 1999 fans.
  1. SEASONS IN THE
    SHADE:     Could the worst Ti-Cat season be 1989
    when, at the end of their best season on record (12 wins), they lost the
    Grey Cup to Saskatchewan by  a
    field goal in a 43 to 40 game (which, incidentally, still holds the
    record for the most points ever scored in a Grey Cup game)? Or, could it
    be the 1998 season, when the Ti-Cats lost another Grey Cup to Calgary by the
    narrower margin of 26 to 24? Was it possibly the dismal ‘97 season, when
    the Ti-Cats finished the year with only 2 wins and a whopping 16 losses?
    Or, could it be the entirety of The Ballard Years (1978 -1989), when King
    Harold of Hockey ruled the team? You decide.
Martin Short (on the right) with Eugene Levy

3.     
HAMMER & NAILS: There’s a game Hamiltonians
love to play. With great pride we will point to those local guys and gals who
have made good on the world stage. At the drop of a hat we will list their
accomplishments and their entire CVs.

It is always with great pride we note Martin Short and Eugene Levy are from
Hamilton, both graduates of Westdale
High School. Working
together, they gave us the brilliant SCTV Comedy Network and a hilarious mockumentary
called The Canadian Conspiracy, about how Canadian comedians are taking over
the United States.
This duo also appears together in Father of the Bride, Parts I and II, both
box office bonanzas.  Separately they have
appeared in such masterful comedic fare as “Primetime Glick”,
Mumford, Mars Attacks!, ¡Three Amigos!, “Saturday Night Live”, Best
in Show, American Pie, Waiting for Guffman, The
Last Polka, Splash, and Tears Are Not Enough.

If it were just these two Distinguished Canadians, Hamilton could simply rest on those
laurels. However, we also want to claim Ivan Reitman, who discovered his
ability to direct movies while at McMaster
University.

Two pairs of sibs are also embraced by The Hammer: Gema Zamprogna (Felicity, Road to Avonlea) and Dominic Zamprogna (Edgemont, The Boy’s Club) F/x2) are making
inroads in the acting profession, while Ian and Dave Thomas took separate
roads; one a musician/songwriter, the other a comedian also coming out of
SCTV.

If that were not enough we can also lay claim to Roberta Bondar
(another McMaster grad), who has explored Outer Space and Daniel Lanois who has probed the Inner Spaces of music.

Still on the musical front, Hamilton
also claims Lorraine Segato (Parachute Club), who
grew up on the Mountain and Tom Wilson (Junkhouse
and Blackie and the Rodeo Kings), who may never grow up, hopefully.
Ivan Reitman (on the right) with Raffi?
Do parents hold it against Daniel Lanois for Raffi?
  1. SCREWS:  Do we really want to
    claim Reitman? As a director he helped Eugene Levy perpetrate Cannibal
    Girls and also brought us such disasters as Kindergarten Cop and the more
    recent Evolution.

    Or even Short and Levy for that matter. They’ve given us such turkeys as
    Clifford, Pure Luck, Josie and the Pussycats, Holy Man, Speed Zone!,
    Armed and Dangerous, and Going Berserk.

    Even Lanois is suspect. To all those parents
    who were tortured by hours of Raffi, it is
    only fair to point out that Lanois was both
    engineer and musician on many of those releases.

    [Writer’s note: It’s always fun when one
    can work a friend into an article. I’ve
    known Lorraine Segato for what seems
    like centuries. We were in college together
    and, as station manager, I gave her a radio show on Radio Sheridan at Sheridan College in Oakville, Ontario. I have followed her career ever since.]


4.     
FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH: To celebrate Hamilton’s 1996 Sesquicentennial, the city decides to
restore the beautiful old Victorian fountain – condemned and removed in the
‘50s – to Gore Park. The spire and top bowl of the
original fountain were slated to be installed in Sam Laurence
Park at the top of the
Jolley Cut, until the new proposal is passed. As with anything involving Gore Park
after the Chainsaw Massacre [see # 4 to the right] the plan was mired in
controversy. Eventually, the more favoured spot, both politically and
architecturally, in the middle of Hughson
Street, intersecting the park, was rejected by
the public in favour of putting the fountain right back where it had been 40
years earlier.

  1. THEY PAVED PARADISE: The darkest
    day in downtown is, without a doubt, June 18, 1983 in what has thereafter
    been known as The Gore Park Chainsaw Massacre. Century old trees are
    hacked to the ground to make way for a snack bar, amphitheatre, and
    other projects. By the time the construction dust settled in October
    (and only after the city issued a Stop Work Order), it was decided to
    tear down the half-finished new structures and re-landscape the park
    under a brand new master plan. In the interim, we were left with little
    more than a construction site in the downtown core for well over a year.
    After the usual calls to fire city employees, and a decision not to hold
    a Public Inquiry, it turns out city politicians had been asleep at the
    switch and no one knew what the plan had been before the Parks
    Department ordered in the chainsaws. Taxpayers were on the hook for all
    the changes – and the changes to the changes – but no amount of money –
    only time –will bring back the old growth in the park.
5.     
AN ENDANGERED SPECIES: It is now the
last of its kind in Hamilton,
but when the Westdale Theatre opened in September of 1935 the printed program
proudly proclaimed it had been built with local labour and local materials. By
today’s standards its one, large screen – and 490 seats – harkens back to a
simpler time – a time when an evening out began with a boisterous rendition
of God Save the King and closed the same way.

Opening night at the Westdale was no different. In between was a speech by
city controller F. F. Trealeven, followed by a
colour travelogue of Los Angeles.
Before the Intermission the audience was treated to a Charlie Chase comedy
short. After the intermission came the main feature: “Dance Band,” starring
Charles “Buddy” Rogers.
(Rogers was known as “America’s Boyfriend,” and the following year, would
marry Mary Pickford, a former-Torontonian called “America’s Sweetheart.” They would
remain devoted to each other until her death in 1979. See? A much simpler
time.)

During the last 25 years, when other movie palaces were bulldozed to make way
for today’s Multi-Plex Modernity, the Westdale has
stood proudly, if a little threadbare, as one of the great examples of the
intersection between Art and Commerce.

  1. WATER, WATER
    EVERYWHERE:     The Great Flood of January 2003
    can be looked at as a cautionary tale of how budget cuts due to
    amalgamation could turn around and bite us when we least expect it.
    Residents along Herkimer and Charlton West were rudely awakened by the
    sound of rushing water, in many cases rushing right into their basements
    by the force of the raging water blowing in the windows. As water always
    does, it worked its way to low ground, mirroring the path of an ancient
    streambed, which had long since been covered over by development.

    When the waters finally receded untold dollars of damage were being
    added up, home owners fought with insurance companies and no one would
    ever look at Hamilton’s crumbling infrastructure the same way again.

    [Writer’s note: I lived on Charlton West during the Great Flood of Oh Three.]

6.     
CHILD’S PLAY: The opening of the
Hamilton Children’s Museum on July
22, 1978 created a world-class retreat for families and
classrooms in the heart of Gage
Park. Which is ironic
considering the original name of the house was The Retreat. The Gage Family
left Jubilee Farm to the city and the red brick house they built about 1875
was always called The Retreat. The Hamilton Children’s Museum is second only
to Dundurn Castle for the number of yearly visitors.

  1. NO MORE RAIN: The Earthsong Festival banner
    waived for a magical decade over Princess Point in picturesque Cootes
    Paradise. The official reason for the failure of Earthsong
    was reduced funding. However, there was also some talk the festival was
    hard on the fragile environment of Cootes Paradise and Westdale
    residents complained long and loud about congestion and litter. No
    matter what the reasons, when Earthsong ended Hamilton lost a
    wonderful multi-ethnic celebration, but many people remember the smells
    of the ethnic food wafting over Princess Point.
7.     
SUBURBAN RENEWAL: The first shovel of
dirt should be turned any day now on what will become the Red Hill Expressway.
Mountaineers have long complained how hard it is to get on and off the
escarpment and this roadway will ease the pain. When it will be finished is
anyone’s guess.
  1. SUBURBAN RUIN: A highway rammed through the pastoral Red Hill
    Valley is
    something environmentalists want to stop at any cost. They say the Red
    Hill Expressway is a mistake still on the drawing board that’s not too
    late to cancel.

8.     
PARADISE FOUND: Cootes Paradise, which
straddles Hamilton and Burlington,
is as beautiful a spot as anywhere in Canada. All through its long
history, it has remained undeveloped by either housing or commerce, but that
didn’t stop it from becoming polluted. In the last 25 years, Cootes Paradise
has been brought back from the brink by many projects, spearheaded by the
RBG, the Bay Area Restoration Council (BARC), and various local environment
groups. Now one can see rare egrets in the bay. The blue heron are back.
Swans regularly use the inner bay for nesting. An estimated 14-16 million
fish can be found in the western end of Cootes. Pollution is down, although
not out, and the system of trails criss-crossing Cootes Paradise makes for
one of the nicest walks anywhere in Hamilton.
When in the thick of Cootes it’s easy to forget you are surrounded by two
major cities. It just feels so remote.
  1. DOWNTOWN IN DECLINE: The collapse of downtown Hamilton happened over a period of
    time and came in stages. Among the contributing factors:

    When Jackson Square opened it pulled people off King Street, which hurt area
    businesses.

    In the economic downturn of the ‘80s, businesses closed their downtown
    offices, leading to fewer customers, leading to more storefronts being
    shuttered.

    Eaton’s, the anchor store in City Centre closed.

    Still fewer customers at Jackson
    Square so most of the chains started
    closing in the downtown mall.

    Shopping habits moved to the new suburbs and the Big Box Stores. What
    was once a burgeoning downtown is now just an economic shadow of its
    former self.

9.     
GOING TO POT?: Marijuana activists
Michael Baldarsaro, 53, and Walter Tucker, 69, have
been battling the marijuana laws of the country since founding the Church of the Universe on September 11, 1982. Their nascent religion claims marijuana
as a sacrament and it’s been getting those wacky boys in trouble ever since.
With the Feds promising to decriminalize the country’s marijuana laws, it
appears Baldarsaro and Tucker were way ahead of
their time. As prescient as they may have been, it’s hard not to laugh at
their antics. Like the time they were busted for sending Health Minister Alan
Rock a baggie of their best to test for medical marijuana trials or the
various times one of them has run for mayor. In fact, in the next municipal
election Baldarsaro was first at the gate to
register to run. That’s dedication. Whether you are outraged or just think
they are simply outrageous, darling, there’s no denying The Church of the
Universe is always good for a laugh.
  1. A NEW YORK STATE OF MIND: In
    a misguided attempt to create an entrance corridor into Hamilton, the city
    expropriated businesses and homes along York Street, stretching from
    Dundurn to Bay, including historic homes at 518 and 555-7 York Street. More than 210
    business owners and residents – incorporating 111 properties – are
    relocated. Those businesses that could not afford to relocate closed
    outright. Widening York
    Street did create a corridor into the city,
    but the grand urban renewal projects slated for along the boulevard
    never materialized and a local neighbourhood is decimated by the
    wrecker’s ball.
10.  A BLOOMING GOOD TIME: Small thing also serve to beautify a city. The Keep Hamilton
Blooming campaign, run by Hamilton City Parks and Recreation Department,
matches companies and individuals to streetscapes and medians. This match
results in annuals and perennials being planted along Hamilton streets, which bloom throughout
the warm season. A beautiful thing indeed.

Alas, this program is being threatened by the budget cuts forced by
amalgamation. In another 25 years, we may see this topic on the other side of
the ledger.
  1. URBAN URINE: Another dark day for downtown came when the Comfort Station
    below Gore
    Park was flushed
    away, despite it having received 1981’s coveted “Best Public Washroom”
    award from Today Magazine. The decision to wash our hands of the
    facilities came in May of 1984, a year after The Rape of Gore Park [see
    above]. By the time the Gore’s redesign of the redesign went ahead, the
    entire project was so far over budget that something had to be cut and
    it was decided it would be the lovely tiled, well-kept, and
    well-remembered washrooms under The Gore.

11.  COPPS OUT?: Although we now rent it out as a movie set, the Victor Copps
Trade Centre Arena, or Copps as it is more commonly known was a big deal when
it opened on November 30, 1985. Opening ceremonies began at 11:30 a.m. followed by an
old-timers hockey game pitting the former Hamilton Red Wings against the St. Catharines Black Hawks and Teepees.
The first wrestling match at Copps, Mosca Mania,
was held just two months later, on February 2, 1986. It’s been downhill ever since.
  1. BLACK DAY IN JULY: On July
    11, 1997, a black cloud rose over Hamilton, both literally and
    figuratively. By the time firefighters finally knocked down the Plastimet inferno on the 12th, the city
    had declared a state of emergency and about 650 people had been
    evacuated. The dense, black, toxic plume put Hamilton on the map for hundreds of
    miles in every direction. While Public Health Department officials say
    there should be no long-term effects, residents, firefighters, and
    police officers all report troubling symptoms.

    In an odd twist, Hamilton’s
    previous state of emergency concerned the same property. Early in the
    ‘90s, a metal recycling plant on the site had closed. In 1993 some teems
    broke into the abandoned factory and made off with a quantity of deadly
    mercury.

12.  IT TAKES A VILLAGE: In the last 25 years, Hess Village has become the most vibrant
place in Hamilton
for Night Life. Yet, year after year its existence is threatened and
activities curtailed by ongoing complaints from area residents.

Hamilton Magazine humbly makes two suggestions for keeping Hess Village
thriving for another 25 years: a). Local residents with noise complaints
should do it quietly; b). those who go to Hess Village
to party should make less noise than the residents.

Why can’t we all get along?

  1. BOUGHT THE FARM: Upper James, in fact much of the Mountain, was once a place
    where farms flourished. However, like all cities, Hamilton had to expand. In the
    process, all the lovely farms up on the escarpment were bulldozed to
    create the same Shopping
    Theme Park found
    on the outskirts of any city anywhere.

13.  THE MORE THINGS CHANGE:  Beautiful
Downtown Dundas is as quaint and perfect an example of small town Ontario still existing among the urban sprawl in the Oshawa – Hamilton
corridor. While other small towns have lost many of their older buildings, Dundas’ storefronts
retain that same nostalgic quality, while serving a vibrant and active local
community.

  1. PUT THE LIME IN THE
    COCONUT:     Be honest: Who hasn’t called it Slime
    Ridge Mall at one time or another? When Lime Ridge Mall opened, it
    changed forever the shopping patterns of Hamilton residents.

14.  FAVOURITE SON: The Honourable Lincoln “Call me Linc” Alexander has had many accomplishments
in his 80 plus years. He was the first Black Member of Parliament,
representing Hamilton West from 1968 through 1980. Named Ontario’s first Lt. Governor of colour, he
served as the Queen’s representative from 1985 to 1991. In addition, in 1997,
a highway was named after him. How perfect is it that the affectionate nickname
for the roadway that brings Hamiltonians together is The Linc? Making the
irony even more delicious is the fact that Linc has never driven a car in his
life. License or not, at his 80th Birthday Bash then-Premier Mike
Harris presented him with his own provincial vanity plate reading LINC 80.

  1. BIGGER IS NOT
    ALWAYS BETTER:     With the stroke of midnight January 1st 2001, the city of Hamilton swallowed Stoney Creek, Flamborough, Ancaster,
    and Dundas
    in. Overnight the city’s population jumped from 387,000 to 489,457. Like
    all the other amalgamations across the province it was sold to us as
    revenue neutral, but taxpayers have lost dearly as costs are downloaded
    onto residents.

15.  A BRIDGE TOO FAR: After years of arguments, proposals, studies, cancelled tunnels,
and construction the newly twinned Burlington
Skyway Bridge
is officially reopened on October
10, 1985 and dubbed the Burlington Bay James N. Allan Skyway at a
cost of $41.8 million. In attendance was James N. Allan himself.
  1. BRIDGE OVER
    TROUBLED WATERS:     OPP Constable Paul Brammer has the dubious honour of investigating the
    first fender-bender on the newly opened Burlington Bay James N. Allan
    Skyway, a mere 14 minutes after the official dedication. The crash pits
    Transportation Ministry official Alfred Wittenberg’s 1984 Datsun against an ’85 Mazda, driven by St. Catherines reporter Kevin
    Hodges. The damage? Four-hundred dollars and some bruised egos.

16.  A BRIDGE TOO FAR; THE
SEQUEL: The High
Level Bridge
has always made a grand, if understated, entrance into Hamilton. On July 11, 1988, the High
Level Bridge
was refurbished and rededicated the Thomas
B. McQuesten High
Level Bridge,
honouring both the city’s past and a man crucial to Hamilton’s development. Thomas McQuesten is largely responsible for the RBG and the
province’s system of highways. The High
Level Bridge,
by any name, is an architectural treasure and the best way to enter Hamilton.
  1. DOLLARS TO DONUTS: In October
    1999, Hamilton’s
    World Famous Tim Hortons
    Store Number One re-opened after extensive renovations. However, rather
    than using the opportunity to create a time capsule to reflect its 1964
    origins, the donut shop on Ottawa near Main was redecorated to look like
    any other Timmys anywhere else in the world.
    Gone was the chance to give Hamilton an
    interesting cultural donut Mecca
    to remind the city of its working-class roots. Oh well. At least they
    erected a nice big plaque to commemorate the event.

17.  BORIS AND NATASHA: Despite Boris Brott calling Hamilton Magazine one of his pet
peeves in a 1981 Hamilton Spectator article, we are going to show how
magnanimous we can be by including the Peripatetic Maestro on the To Be
Remembered List. Love him or hate him – there seems to be no middle ground –
Brott has invigorated the Hamilton
music scene since his 1969 arrival to twirl baton for the Hamilton
Philharmonic Orchestra. He wears his Order of Canada with pride and has never
stopped being a booster of the city of Hamilton,
with his Summer Music Festival, despite all the bad press he has received
over the years.
  1. THE FOUR HORSEMEN
    OF THE APOCALYPSE:     The beautiful Birks Building, at the corner of King
    and James streets, was already gone when Hamilton Magazine began
    publishing, but the ornate “Charging Horsemen” clock that
    greeted passers-by remained. However, in 1984 it was taken away and
    reinstalled two years later outside Jackson Square following extensive
    repairs. Only two weeks after the clock was put back into the downtown
    area, the plug was pulled. The charging horsemen were not working
    properly. The clock was beginning to sag, causing the horsemen to run
    into each other. The clock has had many problems and been repaired many
    times since and although the “Charging Horsemen” no longer charge
    the clock still sits outside of Jackson Square.

18.  URBAN RENEWAL #? If you have ever watched Anne of Green Gables, you have seen it.
If you’ve driven past Whitehern, at 41
Jackson Street West, you come to understand why
it’s considered one of the best examples of Victorian life in Canada.
It is also one of Hamilton’s
greatest architectural treasures. In 1991, the Natural Historical Sites and
Monuments Board recognized Whitehern for its historical and architectural
significance and once again an honour was bestowed upon Thomas McQuesten, Whitehern being his former-estate. Future
generations of Hamiltonians will be able to tour a truly beautiful building
and grounds and future movies will be able to film there.
  1. CHOCOLAT: When Laura Secord closed its doors at 113 King Street East in 1984, for
    the last time, they had been in business in the same location for more
    than seven decades. They opened on October 20, 1913 to supply the City of Hamilton with
    Laura’s famous candies.
19.  URBAN RENEWAL # ?: A $125,000 facelift in 1995
saved one of the architectural treasures of downtown Hamilton. The Right House was built between
1890 and 1893, and has watched over the corner of Hughson and King for well
over 100 years. When it was converted into spaces for service oriented
businesses, it gave The Right House, Hamilton’s
first department store, a new lease on life. [DRAFT] William Stewart &
Son architectural wonder that was the Right House is retained on King Street.
[DRAFT]
  1. IS THIS THE RIGHT
    HOUSE?:     It was a
    sad day indeed when, in January of 1983, The Right House – Hamilton’s first
    large department store – closed its doors for the last time.

20.  CHINA FOOD: The Pagoda Chop Suey House at 85 ½ King Street East
is the oldest established restaurant in Hamilton,
having opened in 1942. At one time, it was the only place to buy ethnic eats
in Hamilton.
However, as Hamilton
has come of age more restaurants, representing every corner of the globe,
have opened. The discerning diner can eat in Thailand one night and taste
Indian curry the next. Typical of this trend is The Roti
Hut on Main Street East.
A Roti is Caribbean
fast food and is singularily delicious. When you
can buy a tasty Roti, you just know a city has come
of age.

  1. CHINA DOLL: For more than six decades, neighbour to Laura Secord was the
    Herbert S. Mills China Shop, with an international reputation. The shop
    originally opened at 11
    King Street in 1924 and was one of the
    first china shops in North America to
    stock fine bone china. Among customers was Franklin D. Roosevelt’s mother,
    who bought china for the White House in the ‘30s. An order for the
    Japanese Embassy in Washington,
    D.C. alarmed the F.B.I.
    and concluded in some cloak and dagger operations. The spooks learned
    the order was placed by a December 6, 1941 telegram demanded the china be
    shipped before the next day, or not at all. This convinced them the
    ambassador must have known about Pearl Harbor since he was too anxious for the
    Mills order. The Herbert S. Mills China Shop closed in 1985.

21.    A DAY AT THE BEACH: The natives called it “Daonasedao,”
meaning “where the sand forms a bar.” Étienne Brûlé may have been
the first European to see when he passed through these parts in 1615. A
strategic site militarily, skirmishes were fought there during the War of
1812. In the mid-‘70s battle lines were drawn again on the Hamilton Beach Strip, as the city bought up properties in order to form a huge park. In the
end 170 houses were razed and the residents were
upset by this plan to turf them out.  Hamilton’s Beach Strip was officially sanctioned as a
residential area in 1983 and it is now a thriving community.
  1. WHEN CHICKENS COME
    HOME TO ROOST:     It was certainly a day worthy
    of forgetting when the sheriff bolted the doors and seized the property
    at The Chicken Roost in 1986. Today it’s the site of Cheapies Record
    Store, but at one time, the lines snaked down the block to get into one
    of Hamilton’s
    most fondly remembered restaurants. The Roost opened at 67-69 King Street East
    on October 1, 1948
    by the Mintz Brothers Max and Benny. The desired
    delicacy was the signature Chicken on a Bun, with BBQ Sauce, a recipe
    smuggled from Toronto.
    For a while CHML’s Meet at the Chicken Roost,
    with Gordie Tapp,
    could be heard on the radio every Saturday night. The original owners
    sold to out-of-town businessmen in 1984, but they could not make a go of
    it. On May 11, 1986,
    interested parties could wander aimlessly in a Frid Street warehouse where the
    former contents would be auctioned, ending an illustrious run as one of Hamilton’s great
    eateries.
22.  THAT’S THE WAY NIAGARA FALLS: It has stood for millions of years, carved out by the glaciers
that scoured the countryside as they advanced and retreated. When the last
Ice Age ended Head of the Lake was left with
its unique geography and geology.

On February 8, 1990
UNESCO (The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization)
recognized what Hamiltonians have long known and declared the Niagara
Escarpment as an International Biosphere reserve.

The Bruce Trail
runs through the escarpment for more than 800 kilometres, from Queenston near Niagara to Tobermory
on The Bruce Peninsula, making it the largest footpath in Canada. And, some of its
loveliest sites are right here in Hamilton.
  1. WATER, WATER
    EVERYWHERE; PART TWO:     They tell us it’s not
    as bad as it once was and we are winning the battle against pollution in
    Hamilton Harbour. However, the question
    still begs itself: When will it be safe for our children to swim there?
23.  TO MARKET, TO MARKET: Unlike many cities and even smaller towns, Hamilton has managed to retain its Farmer’s
Market. Now housed under the Main Library (where much of the research for
this article was conducted, incidentally), the market has operated, in one
form or another, since April 14, 1837 when Andrew “Yankee” Miller deeded the
land to the city for 5 shillings in tax arrears. At the ripe old age of 166
years it is still one of the liveliest places in the city to buy fresh
produce and meats and a walk through The Market is like a walk around the
world.
  1. THIS LITTLE PIGGY
    STAYED HOME:     The Farmer’s Market moved to
    its current location in 1980. At the time Rick Butwick,
    a Waterdown farmer and Market vendor said
    about the new facilities, “It looks more like the inside of a battleship
    than a market.” And it still looks the same way 23 years later. Which
    begs the question: Whose crazy idea was it to put the Farmer’s Market in
    a concrete barn of a space?
24.  WADE INTO DEEP WATERS: Although current-Mayor Rob Wade has stuck with his predecessor’s
decision not to make any more proclamations [See #24 to the right], he has
been more proactive by walking in the Hamilton Gay Pride March and has even
allowed the rainbow flag to fly over city hall. Nary was a protest heard.
Maybe Hamilton
is growing up.
  1. MAYOR McCHEESE: In 1991, former-mayor Rob Morrow gained the ire of Gays and
    Lesbians nationwide when he steadfastly refused to proclaim Gay Pride
    Week in Hamilton.
    Angered at the mayor’s intransigence, Joe Oliver decided to take the
    case to the Ontario Human Rights Commission, arguing he was discriminated
    against based on his sexual orientation. After almost 4 years, the OHRC
    agreed, ordering Mayor Morrow to proclaim Gay Pride Week if asked again.
    He was in 1985, and so he did. That was the last proclamation ever made
    by the Mayor’s Office. In order to avoid having to ever proclaim Gay
    Pride Week again, the mayor promptly went out of the proclamation
    business. Say goodbye to McHappy Day.
25.  HAMILTON GOES INTERNATIONAL: After several years of investigation, followed by a complete
exoneration, John C. Munro gets his final reward from the federal government
when Mount Hope
Airport was renamed the John C.
Munro Hamilton
International Airport
on April 6, 1998.
Munro – like Sheila Copps who took over his seat when he retired – Munro
never forgot his Hamilton roots and always
managed to make sure the city came in for Ottawa’s largess when money was being doled
out.
  1. RETURN TO SENDER: John C. Munro’s “Return to Greatness” mayoralty campaign in
    2000 was a disappointment for his backers and the once mighty federal
    minister who could do no wrong. He spent $206,782 to garner a mere
    14,308 votes, or about $14.50 per vote.

National Velvet ► Nostalgia Ain’t What It Used To Be

, , , , , , , , ,

During my long career as a professional writer, there have been times that I was on staff and on a publication’s masthead and other times that I freelanced. As a freelancer, I would take just about any job that involved jamming words together. Once I wrote an entire work of fiction for a corporate brochure that made Scarborough, Ontario, Canada sound like a great place to live and work. It was fiction because I didn’t really feel that Scarborough was a great place to live and work. Despite my dislike for Scarberia, as it is derisively called, the brochure won an award by the City of Scarborough, which couldn’t read through to the sarcasm.  Another of my freelance jobs was writing for record companies. Occasionally these were the dry sales sheets, 200 words tops, which the salesmen would use to get the rack-jobbers to stock the LP. These were boring and tedious to write, but I could bang off up to 10 a day. However, my favourite writing for record companies was when I was hired to write artist biographies. These always involved meeting and interviewing the artists and I liked to spend as much time as possible with the artist/band before I ever sat down to write. And that’s how I came to meet National Velvet, when I was hired to write their biography.

 
Aside from the actual music, artist bios are one of the most important calling cards a band and/or record company has.
Before the first note of music is even heard, the artist biography is
often fully digested. Artist bios are a tricky business. Every word must
be right. The bio needs to capture the essence of the band or artists. It needs to make the reader WANT to play the record. It needs to tell you everything you need to know about the band, yet retain some mystery that can only be solved by listening to the music. There is no formula for writing an artists’ bio. Every one is different because every artist is different.

National Velvet were more different than most. NV was a Canadian Goth band before Goth was named Goth. Intrepid Records, distributed by Capital Records Canada, was preparing the release of their first National Velvet LP and hired me to write the bio. I spent about a week with the band, on and off. I went to a few rehearsals, met them in a coffee shop or two, and then someone’s living room. I took notes on how they interacted while recording all their words for posterity. When I felt I had enough, I went back to my belfry to write. One of the things I was struck with after re-reading all the notes I had taken (and which I still have and just used to refreshed my memory) is how thoughtful the band was about their place in the city, the music industry, the record business. I decided that the band’s thoughtful considerations deserved a thoughtful consideration in the biography, which I would blend with the dark, back alleys of the city. Sort of The Dark Knight meets The Hudsucker Proxy.

When I finally had a 1st draft I was happy with I showed it to the record company, the client.  That’s how it worked. Once I had something I liked, I would show it to the client who would tell me whether they liked the path I was on. If so, we’d kick the first draft around 5 or 10 or 15 times, until everyone was happy with the final product. If, in the alternative, the client hated it I would be back at square one, using their ideas to form an entirely new first draft.

In this case Intrepid Records didn’t much like the bio. While it managed to capture the band and the dark underbelly of the city, it came across as far too portentous, far too weighty.  They said, “We like everything about it, except it’s far too serious. What if we made it a cartoon instead?”

It must be noted that the band was not my client. I only had to make the
record company happy. If the band liked the biography the record company
chose to represent them with, that it was a happy bonus.

I wasn’t sure how this raw-edged Goth band would like being turned into a cartoon, but that was hardly my problem. The record company was paying the shots and I won’t get paid until they approve a final draft. So I go back to my belfry with a new task: Create a band biography that is dark without being serious because it needs to come off as a cartoon while, at the same time, capture the essence of these individuals.  Amazingly, that’s just what I did. I used contact sheets of the band’s photo session to create a comic book featuring the band collectively and individually. The words inside the word balloons were their own words. The words of the comic book narrator (me) conveyed the dark throb of the city surrounding the band, while the off-camera record company exec kept putting his 2 cents in for the commercial considerations. Yeah, I know; it was weird as hell. When I went back with that new 1st draft I was fully prepared for them to reject it and throw me out of the office forever.

However, that’s not what happened. It was one of the few times in my career that a first draft of something was also the last draft. Everyone loved it except me. It’s not that I didn’t like the words I wrote, or the concept. It had always been the execution that bothered me. It was supposed to mimic a comic book, but I felt there was only a passing resemblance to a comic book. A typed narration at the bottom, with intentional strike-outs over intentional typos was not part of my concept.

No matter. I got paid.

Skip ahead some 25 years. . . .

Skip ahead some 25 years and my son, who was so much of a National Velvet fan when he was a teen that he bought the LP, tells me he’s going to be seeing National Velvet in Ottawa and will be taking one of the biographies I gave him a million years ago with him.

He returned with a happy surprise: The band not only autographed the bio, but part of the inscription was praise for the concept that I felt never worked properly.

THANKS MARIA!!!

Click to enlarge.

Click to enlarge.

Click to enlarge.

And thanks, Justin!!!

Here’s National Velvet’s big hit!!! Flesh Under Skin!!!