Tag Archives: George W. Bush

The Zero Factor ► Throwback Thursday

William Henry Harrison (1773 – 1841) was the
first president to run afoul of The Zero Factor.

The Zero Factor is a spooky superstition which insisted that all Presidents elected in a year ending in zero — which happens every 20 years — will die in office. The Zero Factor was blamed for an uninterrupted chain of presidential deaths that didn’t end until President Ronald Reagan was elected in 1980.

The first inkling I had concerning Presidential Deaths and the Zero Factor was back in grade school when I had to do an essay on William Henry Harrison, a presidential name drawn from a hat.

William Henry Harrison was the 9th president, elected in 1840 running on the slogan “Tippecanoe and Tyler too.” Tippecanoe was his nickname and referred to his military victory in the Battle of Tippecanoe, when his troops repulsed a Native American confederacy that was opposed to the illegal European aliens’ continued expansion west. As the Wiki puts it simply, “The defeat was a setback for Tecumseh‘s confederacy from which it never fully recovered.”

Harrison was the oldest president until Ronald Reagan and the first to die in office, a mere 32 days after taking the oath. He was his own worst enemy. As we learn from the WikiWackyWoo:

He took the oath of office on March 4, 1841, a cold and wet day.[62]
He wore neither an overcoat nor hat, rode on horseback to the ceremony
rather than in the closed carriage that had been offered him, and
delivered the longest inaugural address in American history.[62] At 8,445 words, it took him nearly two hours to read, although his friend and fellow Whig Daniel Webster had edited it for length. Harrison then rode through the streets in the inaugural parade,[63] and that evening attended three inaugural balls,[64]
including one at Carusi’s Saloon entitled the “Tippecanoe” ball, which
at a price of US$10 per person (equal to $229 today) attracted 1000
guests.

Three weeks later he caught a cold, which developed into pneumonia and pleurisy. He died on April 4, 1841, the first victim of the Zero Factor, which also became known as Curse of Tippecanoe, blamed on a curse that Tecumseh was supposed to have uttered before his death during the War of 1812.

The next victim of The Zero Factor was Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States. We all know what happened to him.

James A. Garfield was elected POTUS in 1880 and assassinated by deranged office seeker Charles J. Guiteau in 1881. Garfield might have lived had he been shot just a few years later when all doctors accepted the practices of Joseph Lister concerning infection. Again from the Wiki:

According to some historians and medical experts, Garfield might have
survived his wounds had the doctors attending him had at their disposal
today’s medical research, techniques, and equipment.[187]
Standard medical practice at the time dictated that priority be given
to locating the path of the bullet. Several of his doctors inserted
their unsterilized fingers into the wound to probe for the bullet, a common practice in the 1880s.[187] Historians agree that massive infection was a significant factor in President Garfield’s demise.[187]
Biographer Peskin stated that medical malpractice did not contribute to
Garfield’s death; the inevitable infection and blood poisoning that
would ensue from a deep bullet wound resulted in damage to multiple
organs and spinal bone fragmentation.[188] Rutkow, a professor of surgery at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey,
has argued that starvation also played a role. Rutkow suggests that
“Garfield had such a nonlethal wound. In today’s world, he would have
gone home in a matter of two or three days.”[187]

Next up? That would be President William McKinley, elected in 1900 and assassinated by a crazed anarchist Leon Czolgosz in Buffalo, New York on September 6, 1901. It happened inside the Temple of Music during the Pan-American Exposition. On the 14th he died of the gangrene that had infected his body. The Zero Factor takes another life.

Twenty years later it was Warren Harding‘s turn to run up against The Zero Factor. Elected in 1920, he died on August 2, 1923, of a cerebral hemorrhage in San Francisco while on a swing through the west.

Also dying of a cerebral hemorrhage was the next victim of The Zero Factor, our longest-serving president, Franklin Roosevelt. Originally elected in 1932, Roosevelt was re-elected for an unprecedented (and no longer possible) 3rd term in 1940. Re-elected again in 1944, during World War II, Roosevelt died on April 12, 1945. His last words were reportedly, “I have a terrific pain in the back of my head.”

John F. Kennedy was the 35th President of the United States and the last to be assassinated.

The next president to be elected in a year ending in Zero was Ronald Reagan. When, on March 30, 1981, John Hinckley, Jr., slipped out of a crowd at the Washington Hilton and attempted to assassinate him, I was convinced it was The Zero Factor at work again. However, Reagan survived his wounds and eventually went back to work.

It wasn’t until years later the public learned how close to death Reagan had been and how much the assassination attempt took out of him.

In 2000 George W. Bush was elected president and, except for starting wars against countries that didn’t attack the United States, there were no incidents even remotely resembling The Zero Factor.

In 2000 Arianne R. Cohen of The Harvard Crimson wrote of George W. Bush and The Zero Factor:

According to legend, our new president has an extremely high chance of
dying while in office–an 87.5 percent chance, in fact, based on the
seven of eight eligible presidents who have died by the legend. Many
voters–45 percent, to be exact–would probably find this statistic to
be the only positive thing about Election 2000, although I personally
would prefer to have a president too incompetent to do damage in office
over one who voted against the Clean Water Act (our new Vice
President-elect Richard B. Cheney). However, a legend’s a legend, and a
legend doesn’t care about personal opinions.

[…]The only other president to die in office was President Zachary Taylor,
elected in 1848. However, President Taylor allegedly spent July 4, 1850,
eating cherries and milk at a ceremony at the Washington Monument. He
got sick from the heat and died five days later, the second president to
die in office. Frankly, he should have known better–that cherries and
milk combination is always a killer.

What’s amusing about this curious slice of history is how for more than a century this silly superstition was considered to have been a Native curse against the White interlopers. Guilt much?

Headlines Du Jour ► Sunday, April 13, 2014

Hello Headliners. It’s the birthday of Butch Cassidy, born on this day in 1866. He knew a thing or two about the Headlines of Du Jour of yesteryear.

Let’s get right to today’s Headlines Du Jour:

THE “O” IN GOP STANDS FOR OBSTRUCTIONISTS:

TEABAGGED ENOUGH ALREADY?

THE GEORGE W. BUSH LEGACY:

Senate committee found CIA interrogations and detentions to be ‘brutal’ and urges administration to release report as quickly as possible.

TODAY IN FLOR-I-DUH NEWS:

TODAY IN RELIGION:

ANOTHER EXCITING EPSIODE OF COPS GONE WILD:

ANOTHER DISPATCH FROM DETROIT, ‘MERKA’S FIRST THROWAWAY CITY:

FREE THE WEED!!!


BONUS VIDEO DU JOUR:

FROM THE HATERS:

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA:

CAN YOU DIG IT:

RUPERT MURDOCH IN THE NEWS AGAIN:

Murdoch: Fox “Absolutely Saved” The GOP

LOOFAH LAD IN THE NEWS AGAIN:

SEAN HANNITY IN THE NEWS AGAIN:

HUCKLEBERRY HOUND IN THE NEWS AGAIN:

THE FIVE IN THE NEWS AGAIN:

Fox Hosts Ask “Who Cares” About Racism, Claim
Obama Administration Set Back National Racial Relations

NBC IN THE NEWS AGAIN:

JERRY LEWIS IN THE NEWS AGAIN:


VIDEO DU JOUR:

Headlines Du Jour is a leisure-time activity of Not Now Silly, home of the
Steam-Powered Word-0-Matic, and your rest stop on the Information
Highway. Use our valuable bandwidth to post your news comments in
today’s open thread.

Headlines Du Jour ► Tuesday, April 8, 2014

NB: Due to a publishing error, all headline links done broke. I don’t have the time to fix it today. So sorry.

Good day, Headliners. It’s the birthday of comedian Shecky Greene, who has made people laugh for decades. He’s never missed the Headlines Du Jour of yesteryear:

Today’s Headlines Du Jour is a big’un — larger than normal — so let’s get right to it:

IN LGBT NEWS:

Pulled Over for Driving
While Black and Brown
. . . and LGBTQ?

The Mozilla fiasco was about far more than “gay marriage”

BarbWire: ‘Al-‘Gay’Da’ And ‘Lezbollah’ Terrorists Brought Down Mozilla CEO


THE “O” IN GOP STANDS FOR OBSOLETE:

According to MSNBC, Jeb Bush
Is Now the GOP’s Only Hope

John Boehner Claims That He
Is Killing Obamacare By Giving Obama Everything He Wants

This GOP House Candidate
Is Running for Office So
His Daughter Won’t Have
to Learn About Evolution

Wisconsin GOP candidate proposes doing away
with weekends, dismisses MLK Day, Kwanzaa

Republican Mississippi Governor
Signs Unconstitutional Law That
Voids The 14th Amendment

Local Republican Caucus Passes Resolution Allowing Wisconsin To Secede

Republican Poll Has Bad News For GOP as Mary
Landrieu Leads All Challengers In Louisiana

The GOP Is at War With Itself. So Why
Are Republicans Poised to Win in 2014?

TODAY IN RELIGION:

Head of Anglican church:
We must discriminate against
gays lest someone think
we’re gay and bash us



TEABAGGED ENOUGH ALREADY:

WATCH: Rand Paul Says Dick Cheney Pushed for the Iraq War
So Halliburton Would Profit

Chuck Schumer Defends
Attacks On The Koch Brothers:
‘I Don’t Feel Sorry For Them’

$COTU$ WATCH:

BREAKING: Supreme Court won’t hear anti-gay photographer case

Will Voters Know Who’s Funding Who by Election Time?

FREE THE WEED!!!

Martin O’Malley Expected To Sign Marijuana Decriminalization Bill


IN INCOME INEQUALITY:

In Book’s Trial Of U.S. Justice
System, Wealth Gap Is Exhibit A

A Chronic Sickness Inside
the US Labor Market


GEORGE W. BUSH WATCH:

Bush crew’s deplorable return:
How their reemergence
sends a deadly message

IN CLIMATE CHANGE:

Right-Wing Journalist Writes a Laughably Bad Article Justifying Climate Change Denial


HISTORY IS COMPLICATED:

The Lost Canals of
Venice of America


NATURE IS COMPLICATED:

Coconut Crabs Eat Everything from Kittens to, Maybe, Amelia Earhart


CHRIS CHRISTIE CORNER:

Exclusive: Christie Prosecutor Gets Its Star Witness to Start Talking

CRACK MAYOR CORNER:

‘Belligerent’ Rob Ford
warned by security at
Air Canada Centre
A “belligerent” Mayor Rob Ford received a warning from Air Canada Centre security staff at the Toronto Maple Leafs game on Saturday night.

Rob Ford, still setting the
bar as low as it will go

Rob Ford ‘Crackathon’ video game lights up the web


BACK TO THE FUTURE:

Figuring out the future: Will we be ready to live in
a world where machines are smarter than people?

FOX “NEWS” IN THE NEWS AGAIN:

NEW STUDY: 72 Percent
of Fox News Climate
Segments Are Misleading

Fox Doesn’t Get Why
Breaking Bad Star Supports
Health Care Reform

Fox News floats trial balloon that Mitt
Romney might make third run for president

On Eve Of Equal Pay Day, Fox Host Denies Existence Of Gender Pay Gap

Revolving Door: Fox News Hires Back Ex-Candidate Liz Cheney

FOX “NATION” IN THE NEWS AGAIN:

From “Hip-Hop BBQ” To “Horseman Of Apocalypse”:
5 Years Of Fox Nation


IN INNER SPACE:

Non-Conformity & Creativity Now Listed
As A Mental Illness By Psychiatrists

I cracked the code at the Western University library
Solving the mystery of the Weldon Library letters, a tale of
weird obsession, intrigue and a lesson in the bonds of humanity

IN OUTER SPACE:

‘Star Trek’ actress lends her gravitas to film promoting idea that sun revolves around Earth


BOB MARLEY REMEMBERED:

Local Park Honors Bob
Marley With Name Change

From the vase Not Now Silly Archives:
The Day I Met Bob Marley


VIDEO DU JOUR:

Headlines Du Jour is a leisure-time activity of Not Now Silly, home of the
Steam-Powered Word-0-Matic, and your rest stop on the Information
Highway. Use our valuable bandwidth to post your news comments in
today’s open thread.

Headlines Du Jour ► Tuesday, February 18, 2014

As every Beatles fan knows, February 18 is the birthday of Yoko Ono, who gets the Headlines Du Jour delivered to her doorstep every morning. She says her favourite part is the Headlines Du Jour from yesteryear:

1861 – In Montgomery, Alabama, Jefferson Davis is inaugurated as the provisional President of the Confederate States of America.
1865American Civil War: Union forces under Major General William T. Sherman set the South Carolina State House on fire during the burning of Columbia.
1885The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain is published in the United States.
1913Pedro Lascuráin becomes President of Mexico for 45 minutes; this is the shortest term to date of any person as president of any country.
• 1930 – Elm Farm Ollie becomes the first cow to fly in a fixed-wing aircraft and also the first cow to be milked in an aircraft.
1954 – The first Church of Scientology is established in Los Angeles, California.
1970 – The Chicago Seven are found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic National Convention.

How’s that? Was it good for you too, Yoko? If so, let’s get right to today’s Headlines Du Jour.

IN LGBT NEWS:

Olympic police re-arrest former
Italian MP for wearing rainbow outfit

Watch: Lawmakers Cheer As
Ugandan President Declares ‘War
With The Homosexual Lobby’

Susan Rice Urges Ugandan President
Not To Sign Anti-Gay Law

Anne Rice Unloads on Anti-Gay Facebook Commenters

TODAY’S EXCITING EPISODE OF COPS GONE WILD:

California police use taser
on deaf man trying to communicate with them
via sign language

PRESIDENTS’ DAY LEFTOVERS:

George W. Bush: Still the worst

A new study ranks Bush near the
very bottom in history, due to delusional
wars, reckless spending and inflexibility

Happy Presidents’ Day! Meet The Five Most Overrated American Presidents


FREE THE WEED!!!

Uruguay Prez Jose Mujica To
United States: Legalize Weed

Medical Marijuana Sponsor Says
Police Are Addicted To Drug War Dollars

THE “O” IN GOP STANDS FOR OLD:

GOP Senate Candidate Calls
Mitch McConnell ‘Beltway
Turtle’ In Anti-Cornyn Ad

Greg Abbott under fire
for Ted Nugent invite

43 House Republicans Want to Sue Barack Obama For Being President

The GOP Has Screwed Itself
Out Of A Perfect Obamacare
Election Message


TEABAGGED ENOUGH ALREADY?

America’s First President
Was The Tea Party’s
Worst Nightmare


TODAY IN RAPE CULTURE:

Montana county attorney’s office to mother of 5-year-old rape victim: ‘Boys will be boys’

FOX “NEWS” IN THE NEWS AGAIN:


CNN’s Don Lemon Hits Back
at Fox’s Gregg Jarrett: ‘Mind
Your Business, Old Man’


Chris Wallace Says Climate Change Isn’t Occurring Because It Is Cold On The East Coast


MORE IN CLIMATE CHANGE NEWS:

Heatwave frequency ‘surpasses levels previously predicted for 2030’
Abbott government urged to better articulate dangers of climate
change as Climate Council highlights rising number of hot days

TODAY IN NON-RELIGION:

NC high school faces legal challenge for refusing secular club


TRUMP THE CHUMP:

Donald Trump faces
Irish wind farm battle


LIVING WITH POLLUTION IN DETROIT, ‘MERKA’S FIRST THROWAWAY CITY:

John Carlisle: Some Detroiters
living with Marathon plant
pollution find peace – at a price


VIDEO DU JOUR:

Yoko Ono backed by John Lennon, Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention

Headlines Du Jour is a leisure-time activity of Not Now Silly, home of the
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Headlines Du Jour ► Sunday, December 1, 2013

It’s that time of the morning again. As people begin to wake from their slumber, the Not Now Silly news team has been busy all night long. It has been gathering only the finest, shiniest, and most interesting Headlines Du Jour for your reading pleasure.

BEST HEADLINE DU JOUR:

Tennessee man shoots and kills wife
after argument over dead man’s shoes

►►► R.I.P. ◄◄◄


‘Fast & Furious’ star Paul
Walker killed in car crash

SO GLAD WE’RE LIVING IN A POST RACIAL SOCIETY:

Filmmaker Uncovers Her Family’s Shocking Slave-Trading History

Anti-LGBT cardinal: Catholic church isn’t anti-gay
and was ‘out-marketed’ on same sex marriage

Scott Jones attack inspires Don’t be Afraid campaign
Facebook group tries to fight homophobia

GOBBLE, GOBBLE:

Conservatives Still Seeking
Vindication for George W.
Bush Fake Turkey Scandal

OH!! CANADA!!!

Feds to monitor social
media round-the-clock

Online dating relationship ends badly, $1.3M later
Canadians looking for love online are falling prey to the country’s
most lucrative scam. One woman says she gave a total of $1.3
million to a man she met on a dating site, but never in person.

CRACK MAYOR CORNER:

Rob Ford and Doug Ford plan comeback on YouTube
Having lost their weekly radio talk show, the Fords are planning to launch a self-
produced program. “We’ve done a lot more than the Kardashians,” said Doug Ford.

FOX NEWS IN THE NEWS:

Murdoch’s British Tabloid Attempted Hundreds Of
Times To Hack Aides To British Royals’ Phones

CONSTITUTIONALLY YOURS:

Washington Post Op-Ed Goes Viral: End Presidential Term Limits

MUSIC VIDEO DU JOUR:

Headlines Du Jour is a leisure-time activity of National Trufax, a wholly owned and operated subsidiary of Not Now Silly,
home of the Steam-Powered Word-0-Matic. Updated through the day. Use
our valuable bandwidth to post your news comments in today’s open
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Headlines Du Jour ► Friday, November 8, 2013

When the Not Now Silly interns spread out at night out into the innertubes, they are tasked with collecting Headlines Du Jour. One never knows exactly what they’ll come back with. Here is today’s catch:

FROM THE EX-PRESIDENTS’ FILE:

George W. Bush to Raise Money for Group That Converts Jews to Bring About Second Coming of Christ
The former president follows in the footsteps of Glenn Beck, who addressed the group last year.

TODAY’S WEATHER REPORT:

AUNTY EM!!! AUNTY EM!!!

After 75 Years, ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Still Has Secrets to Tell
Marching orders for the authors of ‘The Wizard of Oz: The Official 75th Anniversary Companion’: Find new material about a film that’s been endlessly analyzed

 

FORBES KNOWS FINANCE:

NEWS FROM OUTER SPACE:

TODAY’S EXCITING EPISODE OF COPS GONE WILD:

SILLY PROSECUTOR CORNER:

Franklin lawyer mocks prosecutor with
demand to be called ‘Captain Justice’

Criticized in court for calling prosecutors ‘The Government,’ a Franklin lawyer demands a new title for himself

WHAT’S NEW IN FORD NATION?

“I need f—in 10 minutes to make sure he’s
dead’: New Rob Ford video surfaces

Ford snaps the rubber band of human tolerance: Mallick
There appears to be no limit to the shameful and extraordinary
spectacle that is the mayoralty of Rob Ford.

Rob Ford’s mom says weight is his biggest problem

Rob Ford’s mother says mayor needs to
‘smarten up’ — but not go to rehab

Diane Ford says her son needs to get a driver, lose
weight, get an alcohol tester on his car, stop hanging
with bad friends, and maybe get some counselling.

No honour in hiding behind your mother, Rob Ford

IN HIGH FINANCE:

IN SLAVERY NEWS:

FROM THE FAR-FLUNG STATES:

ANOTHER POT RELATED DEATH:

Man jailed for minor pot charge died when guards ignored allergies
Michael Saffioti, 22, faced a misdemeanor charge in Washington, guards said he was “faking” serious food allergy

IN SEX NEWS:

Headlines Du Jour is a semi-regular feature at Not Now Silly. Updated through the day. Use our valuable bandwidth to post your news comments in today’s open thread.

Who’s Got Geronimo’s Skull?

Geronimo in 1887

Dateline February 17, 1909 – Apache Chief Geronimo dies from complications from pneumonia at Fort Sill, Oklahoma. 

Geronimo surrendered in 1886 and spent his last years as a Prisoner of War of the ‘Merkin government. Despite his imprisonment he was still able to appear as a celebrity at various fairs and even rode in President Theodore Roosevelt’s 1905 inaugural parade. When he died at the age of 80, Geronimo was buried in the Apache Indian Prisoner of War Cemetery at Fort Sill.

Skip ahead a few years. The First World War — called the Great War until World War Two — was just breaking out. Prescott Bush — later a U.S. Senator and father of George Herbert Walker Bush, which makes him grandfather to George W. Bush — was stationed at Fort Sill before shipping out overseas. According to legend, Prescott Bush was one of several “Bonesmen” who dug up Geronimo’s bones and smuggled them to Yale University. They are said to have been at the Skull and Bones clubhouse ever since. G.H.W. Bush and G.W. Bush were later members of Skull and Bones, the secret society at Yale.

Edward S. Curtis, Portrait of Geronimo, 1905

There has never been a definitive answer as to whether Skull and Bones are keeping Geronimo’s bones. In 2009 Geronimo’s decendants sued. According to NBC News

Geronimo’s great-grandson Harlyn Geronimo said his family believes Skull and Bones members took some of the remains in 1918 from a burial plot in Fort Sill, Okla., to keep in its New Haven clubhouse, a crypt. The alleged graverobbing is a longstanding legend that gained some validity in recent years with the discovery of a letter from a club member that described the theft.

[…] The letter, sent to F. Trubee Davison by Winter Mead, said Geronimo’s skull and other remains were taken from the leader’s burial site, along with several pieces of tack for a horse.

“The skull of the worthy Geronimo the Terrible, exhumed from its tomb at Fort Sill by your club and Knight Haffuer, is now safe inside the T[omb] — together with is [sic] well worn femurs, bit and saddle horn,” Mead wrote.

Geronimo’s decendants lost that suit, but on very narrow grounds that doesn’t solve the controversy:

Siding with an argument by the U.S. Department of Justice, a federal judge in Washington, D.C., held that the government hadn’t waived its sovereign immunity, and hence federal officials can’t be sued in the case to force them to permit Geronimo’s descendants to remove his remains still at Fort Sill and reinter them in New Mexico near his birthplace, reports the Yale Daily News.

And, as far as the secret society is concerned, U.S. District Judge Richard Roberts held that the law under which Skull and Bones was sued, the Native American Graves Protection and Repatriation Act, only applies to grave robberies that took place after its enactment in 1990.

However, that’s not the most recent insult to Geronimo’s memory. The mission to kill ‘Merkin Enemy #1, Osama bin Laden, was codenamed “Geronimo.” From USA Today:

“Obviously, to equate Geronimo with Osama bin Laden is an unpardonable slander of Native America and its most famous leader in history,” Harlyn Geronimo said in a statement to the Senate Committee on Indian Affairs.

The panel met Thursday in a session scheduled weeks ago to discuss how racial stereotypes — mainly in the form of team mascots’ nicknames — were offensive to Indians. But the issue quickly pivoted to the code name the military had given to the sponsor of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

“This victory has otherwise united our country,” Indian Affairs Chairman Daniel Akaka, D-Hawaii, said of bin Laden’s killing. “It is unfortunate that this code name was chosen.”

Today Geronimo is not thought of as the terrorist he was depicted in his lifetime. There is now an understanding that Geronimo was one of the last of his proud tribe to take up arms to defend itself from the continued encroachment and broken treaties of the newest residents of North ‘Merka. Among Natives Geronimo is deservedly considered a hero. Let us hope that one day the truth of his bones becomes known.

Unpacking Aunty Em ► My Shocking Confession

“Hanging” Chad. Despite his
name, Chad’s a wonderful dancer.

I have never voted in an election in my entire life. In fact, it’s somewhat of a family tradition. I am a Second Generation Non-Voter™. 

I had always assumed that Pops voted before I moved back in with him to help him out. I was shocked to learn he never voted in his life. I’ve asked Pops why he doesn’t vote and simply put: he thinks they’re all crooks and doesn’t want to encourage them. People ask me why I’ve never voted and I say, “It’s complicated.”

Get comfy, kidz.

When I became of a voting age, I was already living in CanaDuh, where I moved after growing up in ‘Merka. However, I wasn’t a Canadian citizen. I was merely a “Landed Immigrant,” which is the equivalent of having a Green Card. You must be a Canadian citizen to vote in a Canadian election, just as you have to be a ‘Merkin to vote in ‘Merka.

I lived in Canada as a Landed Immigrant for quite a while. During that period I covered several elections for several publications. I also worked for the #1-rated tee vee newsroom for a decade, which had me working during several long election nights live — some in the newsroom and some as a Field Producer producing, err, out in the field at an election headquarters.

Having no stake voting in Canadian elections, I looked at them from afar, the same way I get to look at the Christmas hysteria every year. It’s a very different experience when watching the sausage get made, especially when one can’t even vote. Having no stake in ‘Merkin elections, I looked at them from even more of an afar, the same way I get to look at the Super Bowl hysteria every year.

If truth be told, I could have voted absentee in ‘Merkin ‘lections. I became eligible to vote there in 1971. Since then there have been no matchups exciting enough for me to go through the process of learning how: Nixon-McGovern; Carter-Ford, Carter-Reagan, Reagan-Mondale, GHW Bush-Dukakis, GHW Bush-Clinton, Clinton-Dole, Bush-Gore, Bush-Kerry. Sorry, but in my opinion none of those races were worth getting out of bed for. Besides, I lived in Canada and never anticipated moving back to ‘Merka. What did I care?

John and Sandra are not related.
Anne and Pierre are cousins.

However, ‘Merka could learn several things from the elections of those crazy Socialists to the north. Lesson Number One: Ballots are uniform across the country. What’s more, they couldn’t be simpler to understand. Make an “X” in a circle on a piece of paper. That’s it. No butterfly ballots. No hanging chads. If there needs to be a recount, all those paper ballots are right there to be recounted. If there’s a dispute? All those paper ballots are right there to be examined.

In Canada electronic voting machines are not owned by one of the candidate’s sons. I put no trust in electronic voting. If entire countries can be hacked, so can your vote. Besides, electronic voting has no paper trail. If you get a receipt for a donut, why not for something as important as your vote?

Lesson Number Two: The Suspense. ‘Merkin ‘lection campaigns always seem to be happening. And, the elections come like clockwork. Senators serve 6 years. Presidents serve 4 years. Congress critters serve 2 years. There always seems to be an election of national import going on in ‘Merka. It seems no sooner that one election is finished, the signs go up for the next election. Those who serve in Congress have it worse. They begin their next campaign on Wednesday.

Suspense is one of the best parts of the Canadian election system. In Canada elections tend to happen every five years, because that’s as long as a government can sit legally without calling one. UNLESS one is called before 5 years have passed. Under the parliamentary system, a Prime Minister
can call an election at any time. If he thinks the party could pick up
more seats in the House, he might call a snap election. But, since Canadians hate being asked to make a firm decision about anything, especially politicians, he better have a good reason to call an
election. He could be punished at the polls if he misreads the mood of the public. Another case in which a snap election can be called — in fact, must be called — is when a minority/coalition government loses a “vote of confidence” in the House.

Lesson Number Three: Most of my ‘Merkin friends would love how there are three viable parties in Canada, as well as a few rump parties that also garner votes. Consequently, if a candidate wants to win, she cannot just appeal to the extremist wackadoodles on one side or another, like what happens in ‘Merkin ‘lections. Having multiple political parties also means that minority/coalition governments are possible. A minority government is the circumstance best for the public in the long run. Political parties have to compromise and work together to get any laws passed. If a government falls due to a vote of “non-confidence,” the party that showed the most intransigence leading to the snap election could be punished at the polls. 

My Majesty’s a pretty nice girl,
but she doesn’t have a lot to say.

Lesson Number Four: The election cycle in Canada is mercifully short. The
legislated minimum length of an election campaign is 36 days. While there’s no maximum legislated length, other laws about
when a government MUST sit in the House would kick in.
This would effectively limit an election campaign to a year. However, and this is the blissful part, Canadian election campaigns generally only last about 5 weeks, TOPS! Then it’s done. Finished.
Kaput. Over. And Canadians forget all about politics until the next election.

However, this essay is supposed to be about me not voting. I digress.

All the time I lived in Canada, it bothered me that I couldn’t vote. All I would have needed to do was become a Canadian Citizen. However, somewhere deep in my heart and psyche I was still a ‘Merkin. There was something about having to swear allegiance to The Queen — a MONARCH, fer fuck’s sake!!! — that went against the grain. Charles Roach — a man I respected who passed away last month — took the same stance as I did. He went further and wanted to abolish the entire monarchy. I didn’t care that much. However, as a ‘Merkin I still couldn’t bring myself to pledge allegiance to a MONARCHY!!! Ain’t that what ‘Merkins spilled blood over way back when, or did I confuse my wars again? They all look alike.

Pics in the Public Domain stitched together by author.

However, it was decades of watching ‘Merkin ‘lections, while fully immersed in a Canadian news stream, that made me 100% cynical about ‘Merkin politics. What can you say about a populace who elected Richard Nixon twice, despite the fact that he was always Tricky Dickie, and always would be? ‘Merkins elected Dubya — not once, but twice!!! That’s when I finally gave up on ‘Merka and decided to take out my Canadian citizenship — oath be damned — just in time to return to ‘Merka to take care of Pops.

That was the supreme irony. While I hold dual citizenship, there were other parts of that
solemn oath I swore to The Queen, and all her heirs and assigns. I also swore
that I would not vote in another country’s elections, nor serve in
another country’s armed forces. I took that part of the oath seriously. Therefore, I am still prohibited from voting. I wonder if I can vote absentee in Canadian elections?

When I returned to ‘Merka, after 3.5 decades outside the country, I decided to adopt the nom de plume “Aunty Em Ericann.” It seemed to fit because I felt almost like a “Stranger in a Strange Land.” The country was familiar on the surface, but once I started digging deeper, I didn’t recognize ‘Merka anymore. She was uglier and meaner than I ever expected her to be. There was far more of “I got mine, Jack. Fuck off” than I ever would have imagined.

However, after careful consideration, I realized the fault was all mine. I came to realize that I had retained an idealized, halcyon, childhood, rose-coloured image of ‘Merka in my mind all of those years in Canada, where there are enough safety nets to catch almost everyone.

I watched the election of Barack Obama from Florida in 2008 with alarm. There was far more racism than I ever could have imagined. Little of that was reflected in the mainstream media news stream (which includes Fox “News”). It was the deeply racist rumblings in some of the circles I found myself immersed in, on the patio at Starbucks, overheard in line at the store. Because people thought I belonged to the same White Skin Club, they’d say the most outrageous things to be unbidden.

‘Merkin racism has only gotten — Yannow, I was going to say “worse,” but I’m not sure it’s worse. I think it has just become more acceptable to express, so it is just out in the open these days. Some people believe because there is a Black president, racism ended. Therefore, they feel more comfortable blurting out the stupidly racist shit that’s dangled at the end of their tongue unexpressed all those years.

Edward Everett Hale, 1865

But I digress and am about to do so again, but I’ll connect it all up at the end.

When I was growing up, there was a short story that deeply affected me. It always brought me to the verge of tears. I recently re-read it and my reaction was even more visceral. How did I know as a child how deeply it would affect me as an adult? But I did.

The Man Without a Country was a short story originally published anonymously in The Atlantic Monthly in 1863. The author was later revealed to have been Edward Everett Hale and it purports to be a true story. However, it is not, something I only learned while researching this paragraph. Yet, that doesn’t change the way I feel about this story. It seems to describe me in a way that I never could have imagined when I first read it as a child.

When I am finally allowed to vote, I will no longer feel like Philip Nolan, whose obituary begins The Man Without a Country.

Nostalgia Ain’t What It Used To Be ► Vice Presidents We Have Known

It seems only fitting this morning, after last night’s Vice Presidential debate between Vice President Joe Biden and Congresschild Lyin’ Ryan, to remind people that on this day in 1973 President Richard Nixon nominated Gerald Ford to replace Spiro Agnew as VP. Agnew was forced to resign ahead of pleading nolo contendere (no contest) to charges that he accepted bribes as governor of Maryland and tax evasion before becoming Nixon’s one-breath-away-from-the-presidency pick as Veep.

After Richard Nixon resigned in the wake of the Watergate scandal, Gerald Ford, who had been a Congressman, was elevated to the office of the presidency, despite having not been elected to either office.

“Some people say” that Ford’s massive gaffe during the Presidential Debate against Jimmy Carter doomed his reelection. There are others that say it was his own clumsiness, or perception thereof, that doomed his reelection. Then there’s a whole passel of people who blame Chevy Chase’s portrayals of Ford on Saturday Night Live as the reason Ford wasn’t reelected. I’ve never listened to those “nattering nabobs of negativity” because I’ve always believed Ford lost reelection because he pardoned Richard Nixon.

This turn of events made Gerald R. Ford the only appointed President of the United States, until George W. Bush in 2000.