Tag Archives: Gun Control

The Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 35

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If Fox “News” isn’t anything, it isn’t subtle. Tracking which people, or memes, it gives voice to on a weekly basis is to witness its naked bias. The Fox “News” Spin Cycle has been designed from the bottom up to expose that Fox “News” bias, and have a little fun at the same time. 

To be serious for a sec: During a week in which many people — including President Obama — spoke about common sense gun safety regulations, Fox “News” promoted none of them, elevating only the most extreme voices in the gun debate. Just another reason why Fox “News” is not “Fair and Balanced.” Never has been. Never will be.

It used to be that I could expect to start my week with a leggy cheesecake pic from Ainsley Earworm and pugnacious bravado from Bully Boy Bolling. My how times have changed.
The unintended consequences of a a conservative ‘Merka is an overabundance of assholes.
WTF? Republicans now consider Republican Chuck Hagel an “in your face” nomination? Just more proof that Fox “News” will push out any nonsense, as long as it’s critical to President Obama.
Loofah Lad points out they have hateful and intolerant people in France, just like in ‘Merka. Wee? Oui! See? We ain’t so far apart after all, Falafel King. Is that enough to call off your boycott of France?
Well put. Now the Fox “News” attacks start.
The difference? Dubya was hiding the debt caused by his two wars and his tax cuts. It was a failure of leadership.
One thing you have to admire about Bully Boy Bolling, he’s not afraid to play the clown on tee vee. He’s not afraid to act stupid on tee vee either, however . . . it’s no act..
The “magic coin” idea was dropped more than a week ago. Why are you still harping on it?
Another Fox “News” headline that just makes shit up. There is no proof whatsoever that the “gun permit map” led to this burglary. It could have just been a random crime that happened coincidentally to a home on the “gun permit map.” It is far more logical to assume that IF burglars were really using the “gun permit map” to plan break-ins, they’d burgle people who didn’t have guns, not those who did.

That’s why this headline is another Fox “News” lie.

The real question you should be asking, Falafel King: Is the US becoming too permissive towards loofahs and falafels? Watch:
The Florida prof everybody loves to hate. Fox “News” piles on. Yawn.
Fox “News” spent the entire week trying to paint President Obama as a dictator, a king, a usurper who is coming for your guns. Of course, they didn’t want to say it themselves, so they just repeated it whenever anyone else said it, no matter which idiot said it.
You will not find this quote from President Obama anywhere. He never said it. Newsmax made it up and Fox “News” is happy to pass it along.
Fox “News” is also happy to pass along crazy shit like this, too. It hardly matters what the reality is, as long as Fox “News” can find a way to trash President Obama.
Can we give Steve Doocy a breathalyzer test? Because if you watch him with the sound off he looks drunk.
There are still some Fox “News” babes willing to show off their legs in the name of cheesecake. Sadly, since getting married, Ainsley Earworm is no longer one of them.

Cal Thomas is so NOT “Fair and Balanced” he has his own entry on Right Wing Watch.

Alex Jones, who was exposed as a fire-breathing crazy by Piers Morgan, conducted an interview with a woman stupid enough to believe a program started by Dubya in 2008 was Obama’s program. This extremely-low information voter then goes off on an anti-Obama rant and — for bonus points — she’s Black, which also throws racial politics into this mix of ugly.

And, while it happened on Alex Jones’ radio show, Fox “News” is happy to provide a wider platform for this unmitigated nuttery because it trashes President Obama. Accuracy, not to mention fairness and balance, is beyond the point.
Previous editions of The Fox “News” Spin Cycle documented how Fox “News” turned Jon Hammar into a hero, despite the fact that he was arrested by Mexican border authorities for trying to bring an illegal shot gun into Mexico.

Jon Hammar was been released by Mexico (an event for which Fox “News” was happy to take credit) and his first media appearance was on Fox, natch. Wretched Gretched wet her panties when she heard that he spent his time in a Mexican jail reading The Bible.
Of course President Obama has signed fewer Executive Orders than Dubya, but you never heard the Libertarian sheep bleating about it back then. However, just try and protect children — and other ‘Merkins — from gun violence and suddenly he’s King Obama? Sorry, you’re going to have to do better than that.

OH! Wait!!! What am I talking about? Your brain-dead viewers will believe anything. Never mind.
The resistance he’s facing is coming mainly from Fox “News” and its fearless leader, the NRA.
Last week I told Bully Boy Bolling that despite all the speculation, he’s the ONLY source that is saying definitely that Rand Paul is running for president in 2016. Now he’s claiming that this Politico article confirms his scoop. Yet, the article only speculates that Rand Paul may run in 2016.

No wonder Bully Boy Bolling works for Fox “News.” He simply doesn’t understand the difference between speculation and confirmation, just like so many of those other crazy MoFos at Fox “News.”
“Who was dissing God? Coming up on Fox “News” we get to the bottom of this outrage and send Jesse Watters to get God’s reaction.”
Hannity Prays For Secession. FIXED!!!
Wrong again!

To remind my faithful readers: The Fox “News” Spin Cycle was started precisely because I wanted to have an outlet to show how Fox “News” was WHITEwashing Mendacious Mitt’s election campaign lies. It would seem that Fox “News” hasn’t stopped lying on behalf of Mittens.

What Mendacious Mitt said, in the closing weeks of the election campaign, is that GM was OUTSOURCING ‘Merkin jobs to China. That’s when everybody and his brother — including GM — jumped on Mitt for being a lying sumnabitch. Now Fox “News” is the lying sumnabitch. Romney still isn’t right. The second part of the headline disproves the first part. China is just increasing China’s domestic production.

Try again.
“Quick! How can we blame this on President Obama?”
Two things about this: 1). We only have the NRA’s word for it. 2). Of course there were many people who quit the NRA after its stance on the Newtown Massacre. Fox “News” will never tell you about any of them.
By this time next week there will be a statue of Jon Hammar in every town square in ‘Merka. Or, his 15 minutes of fame will be over. I’m predicting Fox “News” has no more use for him. NEXT!
He’s wrong, of course, and Fox “News” knows it. However, passing it along to its brain-dead followers provides another way for Fox “News” to trash President Obama, but have plausible deniability because it’s only something that “some people say.”
No, Bully Boy. It was a new low when Dubya used children as props.
Here is Dubya using children as props in 2002 as he signs the No Child Left Behind Act.

However, that’s not the only time that Dubya used children. In 2006 he used one as a human shield, the exact criticism that the Reich Wing has been accusing President Obama of. Look:

Note how Dubya is actually using 1-year old Trey Jones as a human shield. That’s because Dubya was vetoing a bill which would have provided federal funds towards embryonic stem cell research. Dubya knew his decision was controversial and decided that using cute children as human shields might inoculate him from criticism.

Here is Bully Boy Bolling and Rush Limbaugh moaning about President Obama’s human sheilds, while forgetting all about Dubya doing the same thing. Watch this idiocy from The Five:

Texas can’t decide which laws to endorse and which laws not to endorse. Who the hell do they think they are? Colorado?

Who is Phil and where are we meeting at 4:13? And why 4:13? Why not 4:20?

Is this woman still a Fox “News” personality?

The NRA started selling this Talking Point on Tuesday and, oddly enough, so did Fox “News.” It’s almost as if the NRA had been writing the Fox “News” scripts.
FINALLY!
Someone appears to have ordered a delay. However, there is no proof whatsoever that it was someone on Team Obama, whatever that might mean. However, what can you expect when you are running stories that originated the Breitbart Journalistic Malpractice site. While AP broke the story, that’s not the AP’s original headline, of course.
Fox “News” resigned KKKarl Rove to a new 4-year contract, which only goes to show you how well lying for the GOP will pay, if you do it right.
Almost everybody, including many Conservatives and Republicans, condemned this disgusting, and duplicious, advertisement. It was debunked thoroughly.

Remember: Loofah Lad is the original Culture Warrior. Just ask Andrea Mackris.
Isn’t this precious?

Juan Williams, one of the few sane voices at Fox “News” is trying to get the Fox “News” brain-dead viewers to listen to simple logic and facts. He must know he’s pissing into the wind.

If King Herod and Jesus Christ weren’t BFFs from way back, Fox “News” wouldn’t even care about this exhibit.
I see, it’s all Liberals’ fault.
As proper as Dubya doing the same thing.

Oh, Steve Doocy, you are such a hack.

Bully Boy Bolling never met a false equivalency he didn’t like.
Draws criticism from people at Fox “News” and the NRA, of course. No one else really gives a shit.
And, not a single one of them takes away any guns from anybody.

All that Reich Wing hysteria for nothing.
No gun-grabbing? Better change the topic.
Clearly Geraldo didn’t get the memo.
The Republican Party doesn’t need his help. They are doing a good job of it on their own.
ALERT!! Bully Boy Bolling is lying again.

Yes, it’s true he beat Politico by 2 days, but Bolling’s not the first person to speculate that Rand Paul might run for president in 2016. However, until he actually announces his intentions, it’s NOT news, it’s guesswork.

Therefore, why should anyone trust you on anything, Bully Boy?
“Will be on Hannity tonight to lie about President Obama’s new proposals regarding gun laws. Hope you’ll believe my lies starting at 9:00 PM EST.”

FIXED!!!
Oy vey!!!
Todd Starnes is fast becoming the latest Reich Wing Radio Crazy. Fox News has embraced his . . . err . . . particular point of view.
No, not really. However, if Brent Bozo’s News Busters attacks someone from NBC, Fox “News” is only happy to pass it along.

Another Fox “News” lie.

The hospital didn’t blame Obamacare in part — or at all — for its decision. Those who had been providing the service have retired or moved. The hospital has decided it’s not cost effective to continue to hire new obstetricians to deliver babies. Obamacare did not factor into the decision at all.
Is there any low to which Fox “News” won’t go to attack the president?
I have previously pointed out how Oliver North uses his cat bird seat as a Fox “News” personality to hawk his books and guided tours of The Holy Land. Now he’s shilling for the NRA. To be fair: So is Fox “News.”
Oh, lookie: Steve Doocy has learned some slang.
Oh, fer fuck’s sake!!!
No, not really. However, Fox “News” loves to attack other networks. It just happens to be CNNs turn.
Despite the fact that President Obama’s recommendations have not affected the Second Amendment whatsoever, Reich Wing Gun Nuts™ are going to continue to pretend it does. And, Fox “News” is happy to help sell that lie.
If you can’t prove that President Obama has nullified the 2nd Amendment, just say that he is still planning to do so. And, Fox “News”is happy to help you sell that lie.
Steve Doocy’s imaginary friend Gus is smarter than Steve Doocy.
Just a reminder: KKKarl Rove also writes regularly for the Wall Street Journal, another Rupert Murdoch entity.
Oh, gorsh!!! Shazam, shazam, shazam.

When I imitate southern people, I have been known to use a southern accent. Another tempest in a teabagger.
No.
Crosshairs? I see what you did there.
THERE HAS BEEN NO GUN BAN!!!

These Sheriffs have sworn an oath to uphold the law, all the laws, not just the ones they like.
Just more proof that you can feed the ‘Merkin people garbage and there will always be a lowest common denominator who will eat it right up. McDonald’s has made a fortune on the concept.

The Five may get ratings, but it’s still the worst show on tee vee since ***

We interupt this exciting episode of The Fox “News” Spin Cycle for this Public Service Announcement from Media Matters for America:

What’s to debate?

See? And, the Wall Street Journal never mentions KKKarl Rove’s conflicts of interest either.
So he can walk back the statement that President Obama is a Fascist after so many of his Progressive customers got righteously pissed off.
Are you drunk, Doocy? How many times have you been told not to drunk tweet?
It’s also the company you keep, right?

Take not that an extreme Right Wing facebook page is sharing a link with Fox “News.”
HYPOCRISY ALERT: KKKarl Rove is going to trash President Obama’s non-profit group, while he and Fox “News” never came clean on his non-profit SuperPACs spending an  estimated $300,000,000.00 to game the 2012 election. Despite spending all that money, almost every candidate American Crossroads and Crossroads GRS supported lost. Then there’s that election night meltdown, when Rove couldn’t — nay WOULDN’T — believe the election results.

No wonder Fox “News” resigned him to a new 4-year deal. He’s the perfect charlatan for our times.
When fake girlfriends are outlawed, only outlaws will have fake girlfriends.
Did you skip your AA meeting again?
No. But Fox “News” is making it seem like it does.
What does Fox have against alternative forms of energy? Whenever it gets the chance Fox “News” finds a way to attack all forms of energy that are not fossil fuel-derived. If ‘Merka had been helping to support alternative forms of energy for the last few decades, she may have been able to break the petrol-chemical umbilical cord that connects us to the Middle East.
Just another way for Fox “News” to attack another network’s news anchor. Tom Brokaw, incidentally, is far more respected by the ‘Merkin people than anyone from the Fox “News” Channel. For that matter, He’s far more respected than Mark Levin and Right Scoop, for that matter.
Loofah Lad must not watch MSNBC very often. I have seen many criticisms of President Obama on MSNBC. However, this is not about truth. As mentioned above: Fox “News” just loves to trash other news networks and The Falafel King is happy to play along. Especially as he is seeing that channel he’s criticizing erode on his ratings.

Zzzzzzz . . . 
Oh, Juan! Yer an idiot at times. It’s not “gun control.” It’s “gun safety.” However, you’re happy to repeat Frank Luntz-style language without thinking about the implications of your words. In other words, Juan: You continue to drink the Kool Aid from the Fox “News” fountains.

If you want some (unsolicited) advice, Juan: Get outside of that Fox “News” bubble and you’ll be a whole lot better for it.
Cue the Reich Wing to start attacking in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
Had this politician been a Republican the headline would have been very different:

HERO STICKS TO HIS GUNS
Still using the humourless Jesse Watters to make fun of Liberals.
Oh lookie who has an hour-long in-kind commercial for his Defending Killing PeopleOrganization: It’s none other than the NRA’s Wayne Pierre, who has already proved himself a soulless hypocrite who attacked the violence of video games for ‘Merka’s gun deaths and then, just a few days later, released a Shoot ‘Em Up App.

NewsHounds watched the hour long commercial for killing machines so I didn’t have to. In a post titled ‘Regular Guys’ Hannity And LaPierre Whine About Those Hypocritical Elites Who Want Stronger Gun Laws it was noted:

Hannity played the NRA’s hideous new ad targeting President Obama and his daughters. Hannity called it a “powerful ad but yet anything the NRA points out seems to just come under attack.”

LaPierre repeated his “media elite hypocrisy” whine and added, “What’s unfair is there are Moms and Dads all over this country getting up and sending their kids to school on Monday and Tuesday of next week that are praying that their kids come home safe. And we could immediately help protect those kids by putting armed security in school, the same armed security the elites have.”

However, as it turned out, that was untrue as well. As NewsHounds reported the very next day:

Fox News loves to point fingers at the so-called “liberal mainstream media” for being too credulous, especially now over the Manti Te’o hoax. So where were Fox’s journalistic skills when the NRA attacked President Obama as an “elite hypocrite” whose own children go to a school with 11 armed guards, while trying to restrict guns elsewhere? Answer: nowhere to be found – just like those mythical armed guards at the Obama daughters’ school. The Washington Post did some real fact checking and guess what? That NRA ad that Hannity gushed over got it wrong. I haven’t seen a correction anywhere else on Fox, either.

TSA perverts everywhere immediately went into mourning.
TSA perverts everywhere immediately went into mourning.
TSA perverts everywhere immediately went into mourning.
“QUICK! How can we blame President Obama?”

“QUICK! How can we blame President Obama?”
“QUICK! How can we blame President Obama?”
“QUICK! How can we blame President Obama?”
“QUICK! How can we blame President Obama?”
“QUICK! How can we blame President Obama?”
This is the kind of life minutia that Ainsley Earworm sends out now that she’s married. If you’re reading this, Ainsley: This doesn’t take the place of your leggy cheesecake pictures of yore:
This is the kind of leggy cheesecake your fans are missing, Ainsley. This picture was archived August 20, 2012. There are many more in the archives. However, they mysteriously stopped as soon as you got back from your honeymoon, Ainsley. What’s up with that?
Oh lookie: Bully Boy Bolling takes a swipe at Bob Beckel without actually naming him, knowing full-well his brain-dead followers would know exactly who he’s talking about.

ALSO: Would it be churlish of me to hope that Bully Boy Bolling achieves Sonny Bono zen on the slopes? Or just in poor taste?
Why would any woman agree to be inseminated with Rupert Murdoch’s sperm?
Like the Jesse Watters segments on Fox “News,” this Jimmy Kimmel segment is designed to make people look stupid. I don’t watch the Kimmel Show, so I can’t tell you if they have ever done this with Conservatives, or the GOP, but this is now the 2nd time I have seen Fox “News” pass along a segment because it makes Liberals and Democrats look foolish.

Here’s the psychology of this segment: People don’t want to appear stupid when a supposed “news” person asks them a question and sticks a mic in their face. So they vamp. And, they end up looking even more stupid. If you’re looking for comedy gold, you’ll get it every time. If you are using it to prove some kind of greater truth: FAIL!
The same way Fox “News” spreads. Pass the disinfectant.
“Quick! How can we blame this on President Obama?”
Before you get to that: Please explain the popularity of Fox “News.”
Because Fox “News” keeps track of these things. For contrast, Fox “News” is more subtle. It labels Republicans caught in scandals as Democrats. Here’s just one time:
President Obama’s approval has not “plummeted.” It has declined somewhat. Besides, these most recent polls don’t correlate “approval” with “gun safety” (not “gun control”) regulations. In fact, the majority of the ‘Merkin people are in favour of commen sense gun safety regulations. As time goes on we will see whether the president’s push for gun safety improves his approval rating, or hurts it. I’m guessing that the NRA’s approval will plummet instead.

The Texas Tourism Board is changing the states slogan to:

Don’t mess with Texas because we’re the crazy MoFos with all the guns.
“Quick! How can we blame this on President Obama?”
Ted Nugent is the kind of crazy person that Fox “News” (not to mention The Daily Caller) is happy to give voice to. John Henry at Low Genius pegged him with a video titled “Ted Nugent Is An Enormous Coward” that puts the big, tough-talking, draft-dodging, well-named Motor City Madman in his place. Watch:

John Henry’s anti-Nugent rant is a year and a half old already. It doesn’t include his idiocy since then.
 
This is how the Nugent OpEd began:

As my loyal readers know I have a personal connection to that crazy MoFo Ted Nugent. On Halloween of last year I wrote an EXCLUSIVE article for Stones Detroit called Is Ted Nugent A Racist? Our Stones Detroit Writer Says, “Yes” in which I say:

When I was growing up in Detroit I lived on Gilchrist Street, 5 houses away David Palmer, the original drummer for the Amboy Dukes. When the Amboy Dukes were rehearsing in Dave’s garage, all us neighbourhood kids would gather at the end of the driveway and listen, but we’d catch hell if we took one step onto the property. As a teenager I saw the Amboy Dukes dozens of times in large and small venues and, consequently, have followed the career of Ted Nugent ever since, culminating in his crazy, racist rant earlier this week.

You’ll have to follow the link to see why I think Ted Nugent is a racist.
As the GOP and Teabagger parties disintegrate and point fingers . . . Pass the popcorn!!!
When Hello Kitty Bubble Guns are outlawed, only outlaws will blow bubbles with a Hello Kitty gun.
Take it from Snarky “Steve” Doocy, who used the entire Fox “News” Channel to flog his own book.
“QUICK! How can we blame this on President Obama?”
“QUICK! How can we blame this on President Obama?”
“QUICK! How can we blame this on President Obama?”
The Fox “News” Channel can also be called “The God Channel,” but only one God is ever represented. HINT: It’s not the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
“QUICK! How can we blame this on President Obama?”
“QUICK! How can we blame this on President Obama?”
Fox “News” is always ready, willing and able to attack the idea of Climate Change. Fox “News” also loves to make Hollywood stars look like hypocrites. This is a rare two-fer.
Fox “News” never met a tax increase it liked.
Yawn!

Judge Not 14 ► The Gun In Granny’s Garden

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Unretouched pic of Judge Andy

The issue of guns was still foremost on Judge Andy’s mind this week, just like the last several weeks. Ever since the Newtown Massacre, in fact. Few other issues seem to engage him these days.

Meanwhile, the Judge Not Desk required no additional staffing, despite the fact that Judge Andy increased his output by 33% over last week. While it sounds like a lot, Larry (or is it Robert?), the child I hired to do this job, has improved considerably and was able to handle the increased Gun Nuttery. With Larry (or Robert) doing so well, the Temp I hired last week (who also has a name, but why should I bother learning it? She’s a temp) was able to pick up the slack.

Take it away, Judge Andy:

There have been so many specious arguments for not even considering rational gun safety legislation. Here is another one, this time from Austin Peterson. Peterson, oddly enough, also appears to be “The Libertarian Republic.” Judge Andy relies on his wisdom a lot. It’s easier than thinking.
Does more sugar equal fewer ants? More Austin Peterson propaganda.
I’m don’t quite see how the 14th Amendment could be used to raise the debt ceiling. However, to be fair, I still don’t see how the 14th Amendment could be used to declare corporations people. It seems that the 14th Amendment is pretty damned flexible. I’ll accept that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is smarter about these things than I am. Maybe there is a way to bypass the obstreperous House GOP/Teabaggers by using the 14th Amendment that I never considered.

However, since President Obama rejected using the 14th Amendment more than a month ago, Judge Nap is just scare-mongering again.
This is a perfect example of one of Judge Andy’s Tried & True Tactics™. The Laughing Libertarian likes to share commentary from people who will say what he believes, but gives him plausible deniability if it turns out to be a pack of lies.

This tactic is an extension of the second Fox “News motto. When Foxites say, “We report, you decide,” take careful note: They are, more often than not, pushing a single side of an issue with little counter-balance whatsoever. However, the use of the slogan tricks the brain-dead viewers into thinking they have just been presented with both sides of an issue.

I report; you decide.

Anyway . . . here’s what Walter Williams told the Daily Caller (in part):
If push comes to shove? Isn’t that precious? Walter Williams is full of crap, though.

True enough it’s the conventional wisdom that a “well-regulated militia” was needed in case the government suddenly turned into a rampaging Grendel. We would then be able to transform into Beowulf and save ‘Merka for herself. However, Walter Williams (and everyone else who believes this fairy tale) fails to take into account the definition of certain words back in the days of the Founding Fathers, and imbues those words with a 21st century meaning.

Thom Hartmann at Truthout, argues that “The Second Amendment was Ratified to Preserve Slavery.” As we all know, the Constitution was edited by committee and through some very serious horse-trading. The 2nd Amendment was no different. Hartmann lays it all out:

The real reason the Second Amendment was ratified, and why it says
“State” instead of “Country” (the Framers knew the difference – see the
10th Amendment), was to preserve the slave patrol militias in the
southern states, which was necessary to get Virginia’s vote.  Founders
Patrick Henry, George Mason, and James Madison were totally clear on
that . . . and we all should be too.

In the beginning, there were the militias. In the South, they were also called the “slave patrols,” and they were regulated by the states.

[…]

By the time the Constitution was ratified, hundreds of substantial slave uprisings had occurred across the South.  Blacks outnumbered whites in large areas, and the state militias were used to both prevent and to put down slave uprisings.  As Dr. Bogus points out, slavery can only exist in the context of a police state, and the enforcement of that police state was the explicit job of the militias.

If the anti-slavery folks in the North had figured out a way to disband – or even move out of the state – those southern militias, the police state of the South would collapse.  And, similarly, if the North were to invite into military service the slaves of the South, then they could be emancipated, which would collapse the institution of slavery, and the southern economic and social systems, altogether.

These two possibilities worried southerners like James Monroe, George Mason (who owned over 300 slaves) and the southern Christian evangelical, Patrick Henry (who opposed slavery on principle, but also opposed freeing slaves).

After some more debate, the Second Amendment was edited so that the “slave patrols” in the south could continue. Furthermore, they could never be molested by federal troops because now they were the well-regulated militias of the Constitution. This is the same kind of bargain with the South, and for many of the same reasons, that led to the 3/5ths compromise.

Don’t take my word for it. Read the entire article. Hartmann reports; you decide.
Yet, they didn’t have guns in the “ancient” “Judeo-Christian” world.

This is just more David Barton (Glenn Beck‘s historian) bullshit: “The Constitution is divinely inspired, so if you fuck with it, you’re fucking with the word of God. Yadda, yadda, yadda.” 

And, if you ask me Judge Nap (even tho’ you didn’t), using religion is the laziest argument you have ever used to cling to your guns.
Because: Hitler!!!
I wrote about this more extensively in Targeting the Gun Lobby ► An Aunty Em Editorial. However, as is so often the case, Jon Stewart said it best:

“I wish armed Jews in the ghetto could stop Hitler. But my feeling was, France couldn’t. And I’m pretty sure they had guns. Russia had kind of a lot of guns, and they couldn’t stop Hitler, until you factored in the wind chill.

It’s an awful lot to put on an oppressed minority, when it took the free world 5 to 6 years of all-out total war to stop that motherfucker. So let’s stop arguing these ‘what ifs’.”

Because: Hitler!!!
Because: Hitler!!!
Because: Hitler!!!
Time will tell. Who ever thought the 14th Amendment could be used to declare corporations people?
Judge! Slow the fuck down and take a chill pill. Nobody is fucking with your precious 2nd Amendment. Relax until you actually see the black helicopters on the horizon. Then you can shit yourself.
Gun Nuts will be biting their nails right down to the quick until then. NB: All of Judge Nap’s dire consequences are coming BEFORE any gun safety proposals are announced by the president. Judge Andy must be a mind reader.
It’s been almost 5 years since Heston died of complications from pneumonia. However, he was cremated. “Look, Ma: No “cold, dead hands.”
This was the Reich Wing Freak Out of the Week™. “Oh noes! The Socialist-in-Chief is going to use little children to shove through gun control and steal the Constitution!”

PoliticusUSA asks, “Remember When Bush Used Children as Political Props in Stem Cell Research Veto?” Media Matters for America points out that “[i]n 2002, President George W. Bush had children attend the signing of the No Child Left Behind Act.“
What say you about the “Supremacy Clause,” Judge Nap?

This is just another example of Judge Andy pushing stupid shit out to his brain-dead followers, knowing full well they’re not smart enough to know that States cannot nullify Federal law.

However, Judge Nap, you know perfectly well that Texas can’t do this and that NOBODY IS TRYING TO FUCK WITH YOUR PRECIOUS 2ND AMENDMENT!!! You’re just trying to get people riled up and it’s working. You’re pissing me off.
Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

Judge Nap, along with a whole raft of dead-enders (pun intended), wants you to believe that Executive Orders are an extroidonary measure. Not so at all.

According to the article Sloppy Reporting Misleads the Public on Obama’s Executive Orders:  
Executive
Orders are a president’s instructions to the staff at executive branch
agencies, defining how they are to implement the laws that already
exist. They are not laws themselves. No president can issue an Executive
Order to take your guns, or your money, make new laws, or to do
anything unconstitutional. And Obama is smart enough not to order
actions that won’t survive legal challenges.

Executive Orders are
constitutionally valid. The Constitution’s Article II, Section 1,
Clause 1 – The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the
United States of America – gives the president that ability. Each
order’s preamble states his specific legal authority for the subject of
the order. Every president has issued Executive Orders. Governors and
mayors also issue Executive Orders to their staffs.
The orders are numbered consecutively. George Washington issued EO number 1. To date, President Obama has issued 146 Executive Orders, numbered 13489 through 13635. That’s an average of about 310 orders per president. President Franklin Roosevelt holds the record at 3,466, over more than three terms in office. Herbert Hoover – a Republican – is second with 1,011 in only one term. Ronald Reagan had 380 (two terms); George H.W. Bush 165 (one term); Bill Clinton 363 (two terms); and George W. Bush 290 (two terms).
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe also said, “Ignorant men raise questions that wise men answered a thousand years ago.” That would work as a more accurate motto for Fox “News” than “Fair and Balanced.”
In a bizarre coincidence “The Empire of Lies” is the new motto for Fox “News.”

We interrupt this action-packed episode of Judge Not to bring you this message from Media Matters for America:

Judge Nap is lying through his teeth in this clip. He and Leggy Meggy Kelly argue that President Obama is destroying 2nd Amendment . . . the day before President Obama made his announcement.

However, Judge Nap also says that Executive Orders are perfectly legal. Here’s the clip:
Somebody should remind this Oregon sheriff that he is obligated by the oath he took to uphold that law and all laws. Judge Nap is in the perfect position ton make that argument, but he’d rather just pass along the headline so that his brain-dead viewers consider this Oregon sheriff some kind of 2nd Amendment Hero.
I love how Judge Nap presents the “plain truth” about President Obama’s “gun plan” before President Obama presents his “gun plan.” That’s plenty “Fair and Balanced,” right?
Because: Hitler!!! Class dismissed.
Here we go again. Judge Nap knows full well this Wyoming sheriff would be going against his oath of office if he starts to pick and choose which laws he will, and which he won’t, enforce.
The tide is turning against the Gun Nuts and they know it. That’s why they become more unhinged by the day.
Tell me, Judge. What would you replace the drone program with? Boots on the ground?
You have the right to die by bullets.
What about it? You’ve already argued that Executive Action is legal. [See clip above]
How many lazy arguments against reasonable gun safety will you trot out, Judge?

We interrupt this action-packed episode of Judge Not to bring you another message from Media Matters for America:

More scare-mongering from Judge Nap. He knows damned well that the president’s Executive Order did nothing but CLARIFY the existing law. However, he wants his brain-dead viewers to believe the gummint is coming for your guns.

Here he is making this ridiculous argument:

And, here’s a rare instance of Leggy Meggy Kelly actually providing some “Fair and Balanced” facts to counter Fox “News” bullshit when she appeared that evening on the Loofah Lad Conspiracy Hour:

Fox News host Megyn Kelly agreed that such a requirement would be troubling if it existed, but explained that “it’s not true.” Kelly went on to say that Obama’s executive order only clarifies that “Obamacare does not prohibit the doctors from asking [patients] about guns” “if they want to ask.” She further noted that during the passage of health care reform, the NRA successfully lobbied to ensure the bill contained a provision “saying patients don’t have to answer if they are asked by their doctor whether they have a gun.”

Watch Leggy Meggy shoot down The Falafel King and, consequently, Judge Nap’s bullshit:

Wars never create a safer world . . . until they are over, and then only sometimes.
I think Judge Nap just has an orgasm.
That’s the whole purpose of the Constitution? Boy, you must think your brain-dead viewers are totally idiotic to believe that overly-simplistic excuse for you to continue to cling to your guns.

Like ACORN?
HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!
This is totally flawed analogy for the trillion dollar coin, but Judge Nap is hoping that because it’s presented in cartoon form his brain-dead followers won’t notice. Besides, Judge, they said more than a week ago the trillion dollar coin idea is a non-starter. Why are you still flogging this dead horse?
Libertarians: Diligently ignoring any facts that put holes in their over-simplistic argument that there is no problem that an originalists version of the Constitution can’t solve. 

The Reich Wing went nuts and insisted that King Obama was going to take your guns and force everyone to floss 3 times a day. The King is dead. Long live the King.
Not surprising to Liberals, Progressives, and politicians who have encountered some of these people at Teabagger rallies, the answer is a resounding YES.

In point of fact: Teabagger and Libertarian groups provide great cover for Neo-Nazis and White Supremacists. The more these groups deny it, the deeper they can infiltrate and influence these groups. I’m surprised that Judge Andy and Austin Peterson (who wrote the article to which The Judge links) are willing to confront this ugly fact.

That’s how the Judge Not week ends. Because: Hitler!!!

And, it turns out my latest hire’s name is neither Larry nor Robert. It’s Panjeet and he’s come up with what seems like a winning plan for outsourcing the whole operation. I’ll have to do some serious number crunching, but it might not be long before we move the Judge Not Desk to an unpronounceable country. One where they work for pennies on the dollar. For now Panjeet thinks he’s going to head up the operation. I’ll just let him keep thinking that until I fire his ass. That’s just between you, me, and the doorpost.

Targeting the Gun Lobby ► An Aunty Em Editorial

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Ever since it became apparent in the aftermath of the Newtown Massacre that ‘Merka was fed up, and a consensus was developing to finally take some action on gun violence, Gun Nuts have been muttering, stuttering, and fluttering in the hopes of distracting the public conversation away from the human lives destroyed by guns. 

When President Obama sat down this week and signed several Executive
Orders that might save a few human lives here and there, the Gun Nuts
lost whatever was left of their collective minds. And, the Mainstream Media hasn’t helped. The ‘Merkin people have been led to believe that a Presidential Executive Order is an extraordinary thing. Yet, it isn’t at all. Why can’t we have nice things? Because “Sloppy Reporting Misleads the Public on Obama’s Executive Orders.”


Executive Orders are a president’s instructions to the staff at executive branch agencies, defining how they are to implement the laws that already exist. They are not laws themselves. No president can issue an Executive Order to take your guns, or your money, make new laws, or to do anything unconstitutional. And Obama is smart enough not to order actions that won’t survive legal challenges.

Executive Orders are constitutionally valid. The Constitution’s Article II, Section 1, Clause 1 – The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America – gives the president that ability. Each order’s preamble states his specific legal authority for the subject of the order. Every president has issued Executive Orders. Governors and mayors also issue Executive Orders to their staffs.

The orders are numbered consecutively. George Washington issued EO number 1. To date, President Obama has issued 146 Executive Orders, numbered 13489 through 13635. That’s an average of about 310 orders per president. President Franklin Roosevelt holds the record at 3,466, over more than three terms in office. Herbert Hoover – a Republican – is second with 1,011 in only one term. Ronald Reagan had 380 (two terms); George H.W. Bush 165 (one term); Bill Clinton 363 (two terms); and George W. Bush 290 (two terms).

However, to hear the Reich Wing’s version, the Socialist/Communist/Fascist Obama is coming for your guns, despite the fact that he isn’t really. It’s a sad commentary on our media that — ONCE AGAIN — it takes Jon Stewart and Steve Colbert to put all this talk about President Obama shredding the 2nd Amendment into the proper perspective.

First up, Jon Stewart puts the lie to that stupid Talking Point that Hitler could have been stopped in his tracks if those brave Jews in the ghetto had guns:

I wish armed Jews in the ghetto could stop Hitler.  But my feeling was, France couldn’t.  And I’m pretty sure they had guns.  Russia had kind of a lot of guns, and they couldn’t stop Hitler, until you factored in the wind chill.

It’s an awful lot to put on an oppressed minority, when it took the
free world 5 to 6 years of all-out total war to stop that motherfucker.
 So let’s stop arguing these “what ifs”.

 Stewart had a lot more to say. Watch:

Then Steve Colbert reminded us that “Like anybody setting up a new government, the Founders added a clause
that said, ‘If you don’t like what we’re doing, feel free to shoot us.’” And, Colbert didn’t stop there, dedicating a whole segment of The WORD to remind us why the Founding Fathers had their shit together.

To get serious for a moment: It’s important that rational thinking people push back against all this Gun Nuttery™ and expose it for what it really is. The more people that believe The Big NRA Lie that President Obama is coming after your guns, the closer ‘Merka gets to an armed insurrection.

Do you honestly believe there’s not currently militia groups already training for “Second Amendment Remedies“? They’ve been fed 4 years of “Obama is not a legitimate president” who has been “frog-marching the nation into total enslavement.” [see: Fox “News” any day that ends in “Y”] With the latest message being “HE’S COMING FOR YOUR GUNS BY ROYAL FIAT!!!” I fear we are teetering on the brink of another Waco, or Ruby Ridge, or Oklahoma City, or worse.

I’ve already told Pops that if and when the gunfire seems to be coming closer to the condo, we are grabbing my Canadian citizenship and riding it as far as it can take us.

I wish I were kidding.

Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 34

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This week’s Fox “News” Spin Cycle is similar to last week‘s in that it’s dedicated to guns, guns, and more guns because that was virtually the only news this week that was deemed interesting enough for Fox “News”to report on.

The steady drip, drip, drip on Fox in support of Gun Rights Nuts, unthinking Libertarians, and Second Amendment Advocates becomes almost like poetry, or a steady refrain. I’m sure I’ve heard it somewhere before. I can name that tune in 3 notes.

Let’s get right to it:

There was once a time — and not all that long ago — when I could count on beginning my week with a leggy cheesecake pic from Ainsley Earworm. Sadly, she got married recently and (I presume her husband made her) stopped sending out that morning cheesecake.
There was once a time — and not all that long ago — when I could count on beginning my week with a leggy cheesecake pic from Bully Boy Bolling — ACK! I was having a nightmare. I’m glad I woke up.
I say, “Bring it on!” As bad as the House GOP looks now, this will only make them look worse.
The so-called “tax increases” that Fox “News” is trying to get its brain-dead audience to believe is actually the expiration of the payroll tax holiday. President Obama wanted to keep the payroll tax cut, but the GOP said “No.” Taxpayers can blame John Boehner & Eric Cantor.
Fox “News” is now reporting on every incident in which a person has used a gun in self-defense. Happiness is a warm gun.
Izzat a religious joke?

Next time you’re watching Steve Doocy, mute the sound. He looks like like every amiable dipsomaniac you’ve ever met. Amiright?

This is the year scientists will succeed in cloning the perfect female Fox “News” personality: all legs, teeth and blonde hair.
And, so far, not a single one of them has shown signs of intelligent life, especially among Fox “News” viewers.
Fox “News” is blowing a gasket because a newspaper used the Freedom of Information Act to show where gun owners live. Happiness is a warm gun.
Al Gore is another Fox “News” Nemesis™ and the fact that he sold Current TV to Al Jazeera has been a never-ending source of amusement.

Think Progress will tell you what Fox “News” will never tell you:

Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal owns a 7 percent stake in News Corp — the parent company of Fox News — making him the largest shareholder outside the family of News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch.

Something else Fox “News” won’t tell you: Among serious journalists Al Jazeera is considered far more “Far and Balanced” than Fox “News,” which everybody (except its brain-dead viewers) knows is not really “Fair and Balanced” at all.
If only Fox “News” were a Beck-free Zone. That almost happened. Sadly, after Fox “News” fired The Beckerhead, Loofah Lad started inviting him back on the air.
‘Merkin culture started its decline when Married With Children went on the air. OH! Wait!!! That was a Fox show, wasn’t it? Never mind.
Once again Fox “News” is trying to make trouble by singing Tevye’s signature song from Fiddler on the Roof:


VIDEO: The Lego version of “Tradition”

That 200+ year tradition that President Obama is going against? Only men have ever given the invocation. At President Obama’s 2nd swearing-in Myrlie Evers-Williams will deliver the invocation. She’s the widow of Medgar Evers, the Civil Rights leader gunned down 50 years ago.

In fact President Obama is breaking two traditions: It’s the first time a woman has given the invocation and the first time a layperson has delivered it.
I have a Falafel addiction that I can only keep under control by a well-placed loofah. Is there any help for me?
I tune in to Fox “News” to get all my Blind Sheikh news. Fox “News” is the only “Fair and Balanced” station brave enough to have a Blind Sheikh Assignment Desk, manned 24-hours a day, 7 days a week, in case there’s any BREAKING BLIND SHEIKH NEWS.
IRONY ALERT: Taking responsibility is something that Fox “News” could learn about.
Of course it did. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Here’s a lesson from Fox “News” Shit Disturbing & Deception 101. The lesson begins with Fox “News” sending out this simple headline, with no other information, attributed to Bloomberg: TEXAS SHOWS UP OBAMA. However, it’s fully divorced from the truth. Fox “News” knows full well that only a miniscule number of its brain-dead followers will ‘click through’ to read the story. However, if you did click thru’ on the link, this is what you would find:
You’re not taken to the Bloomberg site. You’re on the Fox “News” web site. And, once again, Fox “News” uses the same headline TEXAS SHOWS UP OBAMA, still attributed to Bloomberg.

Once again Fox “News” hopes that this would be enough for the miniscule number of brain-dead viewers who clicked through. However, see that “READ MORE AT BLOOMBERG.COM” link? Fox “News” is further counting on only a miniscule number — of the miniscule number of its brain-dead audience that already got this far — NOT to click on that link.

However, if you did click on the link, this is what you would find:
Why there’s nothing at all about President Obama in the Bloomberg headline. In fact, there is not a single fucking word about President Obama in the entire Bloomberg article [of which the above screenshot is an excerpt]. This is another instance of Fox “News” just making shit up.

It’s just another example of why Fox “News” is not “Fair and Balanced.” Never has been. Never will be.
Zakly!!! The same way that Loofah Lad’s constant vilification of Dr. Tiller removed his brain-dead audience “from reality, from their feelings, from their capacity to be empathetic and heroic and courageous and Dr. Tiller paid the price for it — with his life — later on.
Worst Ed Sullivan impression ever!!!
Of course the only “high profile liberals” he could find agreed with him.
There is NO EVIDENCE that a union worker did this. It remains under investigation. However, Fox “News” knows who is responsible and is not afraid to say so.
It’s time to boycott Wendy’s.
The only thing brilliant about Adam Carolla is how he carved a seat on the Loofah Lad Hour out of not being funny, just like that other not-funny, so-called comedian Dennis Miller, who also appears regularly with The Falafel King.
Dog whistle. Tweet tweet.
Bully Boy Bolling finds a way to smear Mexicans and drug legalization while declaring that “Happiness is a warm gun.”

It must be noted for the record: There has not been a single gun control law passed yet. You’re just scare-mongering, Bully Boy. Why not wait until there’s actually something to complain about? Remember: Happiness is a warm gun and you have plenty.
Far more shocking to astronomers is the discovery that all of the Fox “News” brain-dead viewers live on this Zombie planet.
But . . . but . . . but . . . he hasn’t announced anything yet. With all due respect, Bully Boy, I think you’re jumping the gun. [See what I did there?]
Now that I’ve demonstrated [above] how Fox “News” just makes up headlines that are divorced from reality, would it surprise you to find out that Governor Chris Christie didn’t “crush” Matt Lauer?

Although, to be fair, Chris Christie could crush just about anybody except Rush Limbaugh.
No, that’s not what’s happening either. Just making shit up again.
Oliver North, who really should be in jail, uses his perch at Fox “News” to promote his own projects. This is his latest book. However, more recently he was promoting his tour of The Holy Land.
Al Gore — the Vice President Fox “News” loves to hate* — pegged Geraldo perfectly in the story that Rivera tells The Falafel King. They laughed at Al Gore, but the joke is on Fox “News.”

* Not counting current Vice President Joe Biden
Somehow the Nixon Library seems appropriate. While Nixon escaped jail due to a pardon, North escaped jail on a technicality. However, that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t technically guilty of perverting the Constitution, just like Richard Nixon. Yet he’s a Right Wing hero. What’s up with that?
When Veep Biden shot his mouth off [see what I did there?] it sent all the Second Amendment Originalists, along with Fox “News” and the NRA, into a giant tizzy from which they have yet to recover. Luckily happiness is a warm gun.
Dog whistle!!! Tweet tweet!!!
Scammity’s angry. He already knows that Liberals will shred the Constitution and happiness is a warm gun.
When Dubya was issuing Executive Orders to say he would not adhere to certain laws that were legally constituted, and that included his signature, Fox “News” was silent. What’s different now? Oh yeah, the Black guy in the White House and the fact that happiness is a warm gun.
I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric “Happiness is a Warm Gun” Bolling.
As stupid as this act was, it’s still considered protected speech. Remember the Constitution?
Oh, fer fuck’s sake!!!

‘Merka’s professional victim cries “Wah, wah, wah, all the way home.”To paraphrase Ben Shapiro, who has been all over the tee vee tube in the past few weeks: “Happiness is a warm gun.”

BREAKING NEWS: I read on a single blog this week (which means I have no confirmation as yet) that the question I have been asking has been answered: Fox “News” has not renewed Sarah Palin’s contract. What’s a Wasilla grifter to do?

In the mean time, I’m loving Sister Sarah’s salutation of “Don’t retreat, friends.” This proves Mama Grizzly is capable of learning, even if she’s not capable of having made a mistake. Remember when she signed off with “Don’t retreat, reload”? Remember how before Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot Sister Sarah sent out the following? Remember how Sarah Palin refused to apologize for the imagery both before and after Gabby Giffords was shot in the head?

No? Here’s a reminder:
One of those gun sights represents Gabby Giffords district. Happiness is a warm gun.

Happiness is a warm gun.
Any time Fox “News” can criticize MSNBC, it will. Anytime Mediate can make Fox “News” look moderate, it will. It’s win/win.
Can we send Bully Boy Bolling to the edge of space . . . and leave him there?
By next week Fox “News” will be agitating for a statue to be built for this young man. Happiness is a warm gun.
Is that really something your proud of?
Finally we learn the Foxy Friends on Fox and Friends natural demographic audience.
By next week Fox “News” will be agitating for a statue to be built for this Georgian Mother. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
It was very awkward when the NRA’s press conference on its meeting with Vice President Joe Biden on gun violence was interrupted by another school shooting. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric “Happiness is a Warm Gun” Bolling.

Oddly enough, Fox “News” is only getting one side’s interpretation of what was said behind closed doors, but that’s okay because happiness is a warm gun. 
Because happiness is a warm gun.

OOOOPS! Sorry! It’s become reflexive.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Well, yeah. That’s factual. And, while many people will find this offensive, it’s protected speech. See: First Amendment.

Why do the advocates of a strong Second Amendment always seem to forget the First Amendment?

Happiness is a warm gun.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Remember back in the ’60s and early ’70s when you could pick up Mao’s Little Red Book in any Chinatown? Without realizing it — or meaning to — Piers Morgan summed up the ‘Merkin fetishization of the Constitution. Maybe they should start printing them up in book form.

What??? They already do?

Well, then maybe they should be issued to every ‘Merkin at birth, along with vouchers for school and vouchers for abortions, and a government mandated bill to pay off a for-profit Health Care system.
You mean this giant watermelon can fly??? Happiness is a warm gun!!!

Oh, sorry. I got excited.
I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric “Happiness is a Warm Gun” Bolling.

By next week this Georgian mother will have a parade in her honour right in front of Fox “News,” if it has anything to say about it. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
When hammers are outlaws, only outlaws will have hammers.

Happiness is a warm gun.
When this “news” reached Bully Boy Bolling’s desk, it gave him a 4-hour erection, for which he had to consult his doctor. But don’t worry, Bully Boy: Happiness is a warm gun.
Loofah Lad wants to make sure his brain-dead audience knows of the tiff over at MSNBC [see above] because it’s so damned important.
But, Geraldo! Doncha know that happiness is a warm gun?
Necro-porn.
IRONY ALERT: As Think Progress reports:

When 20 children and 6 adults were gunned down in Sandy Hook Elementary School exactly one month ago today, the National Rifle Association rushed to blame video games, not guns, for inspiring such mass murders. But the gun lobby seemingly lost sight of its target in the past weeks, and over the weekend released a shooting app, called “NRA: Practice Range.”

The app bills itself as a “network of news, laws, facts, knowledge, safety tips, educational materials and online resource.” The NRA reports that it “[i]nstills safe and responsible ownership through fun challenges and realistic simulations.”

The (alleged) dipsomaniac is now reviewing movies with torture in it. This was also a movie that Steve Doochey [sic] as one of the Three Stooges on the Curvy Couch used to bash President Obama when they claimed, many times and without evidence every time, that Classified Information was given to the director. Now it’s “terrific.”
It would be a cheap shot to say that Bully Boy Bolling gets everything exactly upside down.

However, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that Bully Boy Bolling gets everything exactly upside down again.
Happiness is a warm gun.

Fox “News” only creates graphics like the above for VERY IMPORTANT STORIES.

This is just another way to attack Al Gore. You can tell it’s inaccurate because it’s a Breitbartian story. However, Fox “News” is only (helpfully) passing it along. It has plausible deniability.

And, that’s when I lost my temper. Read all about it at The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest in my occasional series that makes fun of Bully Boy Bolling. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
IRONY ALERT: “Freedom” is Bully Boy Bolling’s dog. Does Bully Boy Bolling put “Freedom” on a leash when he walks the dog? [h/t Zak Nilsson]
Vulnerable? Why would that be? Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.

Pass the popcorn.

Happiness is a warm cannon.
A totally innocuous message from Bully Boy Bolling. The best reaction to it was this one, which echoes my own:
The only preparation Bully Boy Bolling needs is to grease his ass, to make it easier to pull his facts out of.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm Duchess.

Happiness is a warm gun.

They’re never too young to learn.

They’re never too young to learn about assassination, either. Gather ’round, kiddies. There once was a man named John Lennon who played music that delighted the entire world. He was the one who wrote a song called “Happiness is a Warm Gun.” He was assassinated with a gun before he had a chance to play all the music that was in him. Happiness is a warm gun, indeed. Bang, bang, shoot, shoot.

She’s not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do, oh, yeah

She’s well acquainted
With the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the
Multicolored mirrors on his hobnail boots

Lying with his eyes
While his hands are busy working overtime
A soap impression of his wife
Which he ate and donated to the National Trust

I need a fix ?cause I’m going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix ?cause I’m going down

Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun mama
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
When I hold you in my arms
(Oh yeah)
And I feel my finger on your trigger
(Ooo, oh yeah)
I know nobody can do me no harm
(Ooo, oh yeah)

Because happiness is a warm gun mama
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun
(Happiness, bang bang, shoot shoot)
Well, don’t you know that happiness is a warm gun mama
(Happiness is a warm gun yeah)

Judge Not 13 ► Clinging To His Guns

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Unretouched photo of Judge Andrew “Andy Nappy”
Napolitano taken directly from my tee vee screen

For the 1st full week of the New Year, Judge Andy doubled his output over last week, causing considerable problems at the Judge Not Desk. 

If you recall, dear reader, when (several weeks ago) Judge Andy reduced his output to a mere 10 posts, I decided to fire all the Judge Not interns and hire a child instead. Larry (or is it Robert? I really need to remember his name, or hire somebody whose name I can remember) was being trained slowly. However, as Vice President Biden’s Gun Control Task Force met with more stakeholders this week, Judge Andy became more and more unhinged. Suddenly, and without any advance warning, he doubled his output and Larry (Robert?) couldn’t keep up. I was forced to hire a Temp at a much higher rate than it would have cost had I kept the interns in the first place.

The crux of this story: Monitoring the Laughing Libertarian™ has not been cost effective so far. No matter. Here’s this week’s edition of Judge Not:

WTF, Judge Andy?

When I create a unique order of English words to convey a thought, it becomes my copyright, or, my intellectual property. How can you silly Libertarians argue that copyright laws are anti-capitalistic on one hand while, on the other, defend physical property rights? Hypocrite, much?
Here’s another example of Judge Nap unthinkingly passing along more unthinking wisdom from the unthinking Libertarian Republic. When is a law legal, Judge? I’m surprised I even have to explain this to the Fox “News” Senior Judicial Analyst, but here goes: 

A law is legal from the time it is passed right up to the moment it is rejected by the Supreme Court. If it is supported by the Supreme Court, it remains a legal law. Only the Supreme Court can declare a legal law unconstitutional, or illegal.

Still confused? I’ll give you a hint, Judge: You might be an originalist, but deep down you really know the law is whatever the courts decide it is. Stop trying to confuse people.
Meh! Who cares what Pelosi said? I’d do anything to thwart the GOP on the Debt Ceiling, even if that meant minting a coin out of Silly Putty.

The Debt Ceiling debate is another one of those phony issues on which Fox “News” has been providing the GOP interference. And, you, Judge Nap, are party to pushing that lie.

The debt ceiling was held hostage the last go-round, which led to the creation of the Fiscal Cliff, remember? Which also led to the credit downgrade, remember? Now the GOP may hold the Debt Ceiling hostage again and you’re fully prepared to help in this latest duplicity, Judge. Good for you!

The fact of the matter is, as you well know Judge, the Debt Ceiling is the money already spent. To not raise the debt ceiling is like a credit card holder saying, I don’t think I’ll pay off the company that has already extended me credit and already paid my bills. It’s money already spent, Judge. What part of that don’t you understand?

Furthermore, the Debt Ceiling was never the subject of rancorous debate before and it has been raised dozens of times. What changed? Oh right! That Black guy in the White House. I get it now. You’re a hypocrite, right?
Alex Jone’s crazy rants are the best argument for gun control, Judge. Please, don’t stop.
By the time this Gun Control Battle is over, this mother will be lionized as a Second Amendment Hero™ with her own Commemorative Bullets and statues in every town square.

Trust me on this one.
Just think of McChrystal as the Drone Goldilocks: “These drone strikes are too many. These drone strikes are too few. These drone strikes are just right.”
When vegetable gardens are outlawed, only outlaws will have vegetable gardens.

So the fuck what, Judge? There are many municipalities (and don’t even get me started on HOAs) that have absurd laws. I’d be willing to lay a $10,000 Mendacious Mitt bet that an equal number of towns and cities have outlawed hanging laundry outside, on your own property. When you start to go after the clothesline laws I’ll take you seriously on the front-yard garden issue?

Here we go again! No, Judge. It’s not unconstitutional until it’s adjudged (look it up) so in a court of law. Until then it’s merely YOUR OPINION that it’s unconstitutional.

While on the subject: It’s not “Obama’s extension of the wiretapping law.” Let me remind you how this works: The House and the Senate pass the laws. The president can sign them, or veto them. Signing it doesn’t make it “Obama’s extension,” unless you want to start to talk about “Dubya’s Illegal War in Iraq” that passed in Congress.

You’re welcome.
Sorry, Judge. That’s just an outright lie, isn’t it? The truth of the matter is that AIG treated the ‘Merkin taxpayer as a piggybank. Besides, AIG has smartly decided not to sue the ‘Merkin government because “suing the U.S. would kill AIG.”

So, with all due respect, Judge: what the fuck are you talking about?
Of course not. Otherwise landlords could also decide not to rent to Blacks, or Jews, or Italian Judges. On the other hand, the cities of San Jose and Oakland could pass legally constituted laws which zone certain areas as “No Pot Zones,” but that would just be More Big Government™, wouldn’t it? And, just to drive home a previous point: those laws would be perfectly legal until a court of law ruled they were unconstitutional.
Zakly! Just as there is “no merit” to your contention that “the feds used AIG as a piggy bank and they should be made to answer for it.” Right, Judge? It’s just another lie to make the Black guy in the White House look bad, right? It’s okay to admit it. In fact, it might be liberating.
I love how people have seized upon this as a religious freedom issue, as opposed to a human rights issue.

If anyone ever told me they wanted my kids to wear an RFID chip, I’d shove it right up their ass on the spot.
While it may or may not be “economically catastrop,” another faux fight over the Debt Ceiling could be a lot worse.
However, the Treasury has ruled out minting a trillion dollar coin. So, that ridiculous Talking Point is gone now. That allows us to concentrate on the obstreperous GOP holding the Debt Ceiling hostage all over again in an attempt to make the president look bad again. It won’t work this time. The ‘Merkin people are on to the Teabaggers intransigence for the sake of intransigence. I’m looking at you, Eric Cantor.

When Executive Orders are outlawed, only outlaws will issue Executive Orders.

S’funny thing tho’, Judge Andy: I never heard the sheep bleating when Dubya was signing all those Executive Orders that he he would not be bound by legally constituted laws while fighting terr’ism. Wouldn’t that have been unconstitutional?

Why don’t you wait until Executive Orders are actually issued before you start to complain about them, Judge Nap? I know! What a concept!
Gun nuts just don’t understand. The Founding Fathers never anticipated wholesale slaughter by front-loading muskets.
When do I get my own tank and shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft weapons? I’d need that — at the very least — to hold off a tyrannical government for a couple of hours.
So far I’m not laughing, Judge.
TRANSLATION: God gave us our Right to Bear Arms and only God can take them away.

Not just clinging to guns and religion [Where the hell have I heard that phrase before?], but intertwining the two.

[To be fair: The article goes on (and on and on and on). I only used the first 3 paragraphs under the Fair Use laws which protect Judge Nap’s copyright. See above.]
Sorry, Judge, wrong again. The rule of law is sovereign.
Because you can always count on Fox “News” to cling to its Guns & God, which is much pithier than “guns and religion.”
So, gimmee my thermonuclear bomb already.

This is the lamest defense of gun rights there is. If the government is coming for you, there is no amount of weaponry — that can legally be owned today — that would allow you resist for very long. Reasonable gun control laws will not change the balance of power one iota, Judge Nap. Your gun arguments just get worse and worse.
That all depends on what the president does, how the Executive Orders are worded, and whether a court rules for, or against, the Executive Action if implemented and, more importantly, if challenged. Otherwise, to quote President Nixon, “When the President does it, it’s not illegal.”
This is the second laziest argument made by Second Amendment advocates. And, it’s false. Are you aware you are passing along false information, Judge Andy? If not, you can always correct the record. If so, then you are simply a lyin’ sumnabitch. I have always suspected the latter.
HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

And, pointing to violence in Hollywood movies is the third laziest argument of Second Amendment advocates. And, I’d be careful criticizing Hollywood too much, Judge. Fox owns more than one movie production company.

The best words of advice I ever received for instances like
this came from my Pops, who turns 87 next month: “If my grandmother had balls, she’d be my
grandfather.” In other words: You can argue “what ifs” ’til you’re blue in the face, but
that’s not the reality in front of you. Suck it up.

And, this is the 4th laziest argument from Second Amendment advocates. As stupid and offensive as this argument is, Judge, it’s not nearly as stupid and offensive as the similar argument of Larry Ward, founder of the upcoming “Gun Appreciation Day,” which appears to be designed after the Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, except no one is being encouraged to eat their gun. Ward said almost the exact same thing as you did, Judge, except he said, “I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.”

You do realize, doncha Judge, that the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto were in the ghetto because of pogroms elsewhere and a ghetto was the best they could do? By the time Hitler came along the Jews had been marginalized for several hundred years. You might as well say, “If the Jews had guns, there wouldn’t have been a Jewish ghetto in Warsaw.” Or, “If my grandmother had balls . . . “

Thanks, Pops.
There are far more people, according to the most recent polls, who think the NRA are “standing on the graves of dead kids” with its knee-jerk reaction to discussions of reasonable gun laws.

I still need you to explain to me how a police department having a drone is any different than a police department having a helicopter. It’s not like I haven’t asked you several times, Judge Andy.
This became the new way to bash President Obama as the week neared its end. And, oh lookie, Judge Nap is happy to pass along the latest Fox “News” Faux Controversy™.
This is the textbook definition of a closed loop system. Follow along:

Ever since the Newtown Massacre Fox “News” has been trying to do everything in its power to keep the discussion off the death of children and gun control, in essence parroting the stance of the NRA. After the NRA met with Vice President Biden Chris Cox came out and called it a “dog and pony show” and that the administration was just “checking off a box.”  This made a perfect soundbite for Fox “News,” which was happy to promote this one-sided and dismissive point of view. The NRA and, incidentally, Judge Nap, were was so pleased with the Fox “News” promotion that they passed it along to their brain-dead followers. It all comes full circle and the loop is closed.

As long as the discussion remains on gun control, Judge Andy will continue to go off half-cocked. [See what I did there?] He’ll continue to send out stupid shit without thinking about the broader implications. Which is why Larry (Robert?) and the new Temp (I know she must have a name) will be working 12-hour shifts, with their lunch break cut to 15 minutes. These weekly episodes of Judge Not don’t write themselves, yannow.

The Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 33

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Guns, welfare, the fiscal cliff, Speaker John Boehner. These were just some of the topics Fox “News” was forced to WHITEwash as 2012 turned into 2013 before our very eyes.

The transition between years seemed a good time to gather the Fox “News” Spin Cycle team and re-administer the FNSC oath. Those who refused were fired on the spot and reported to the Department of Homeland Security. I’m not fooling around anymore.

This is what they all promised to do for my dear readers:

I hereby swear I will do everything in my power to make fun of Fox “News” until my last breath and that no joke, or smear is too low, so help me Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Now, let’s get right to this week’s Fantasia of Fox Fun™:

That’s only because Mitt Romney is eminently mockable, Falafel King. Mitt Romney will be a political punchline for decades to come. The sooner the GOP realizes this, the more comfortable they will become. Soon he will barely be mentioned by the GOP, just like Dubya during the last 4 years.

It’s wasn’t the Obama cliff, Bully Boy. It was always the GOP cliff and, lemming-like, they threw themselves over it. In the end they got a worse deal then President Obama offered in the first place. Well done, John Boehner!!!

Your much-valued (/snark) GOP was a part of that bipartisanship deal, Bully Boy! Cooperation is how business gets done in Washington. If you and your fellow Teabaggers don’t like it, then maybe you should come up with a political tactic that isn’t the equivalent of holding your breath until you turn blue.

When confetti cannons are outlawed, only idiots will shoot themselves in the stomach with a confetti gun.

IRONY ALERT: Bully Boy Bolling talks and tweets about going to the gun range. If this is any indication of his skills, you might want to leave the range if he arrives.

You don’t really want my thoughts, Bully Boy.

This little cartoon from Media Matters for ‘Merka puts the Fox & Friends morning line-up meeting in its proper perspective. Fox & Friends is the most virulently anti-Obama show on the Anti-Obama network, provided you discount for Sean Scammity. However, Scammity is only on air 1 hour a day, 5 days a week; F&F serves up its its Anti-Obama breakfast 3 hours a day, 4 hours on weekends. This is how it beats Scammity in the Anti-Obama sweepstakes: VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME!!!

Dr. K is not Henry Kissinger. That’s Loofah Lad’s name for Kraut the Hammer. What I have always thought was astonishingly arrogant is how Dr. K comes on Fox “News” and criticizes President Obama with invented facts and just barely audible dog whistles.

Where to start?

First, I ask the same question I always ask in times like this: Is this half-Governor, failed-VP candidate, failed reality show host, Mama Grizzly Bear with lipstick still a Fox “News” employee?

Next: What the hell was that? Most people can say “Happy New Year” in less than 4 words. It took Sarah Palin a shitload of words to turn New Year’s Eve into a political and religious polemic. What’s up with that?

Then there’s that whole Chronicles thing. BibleGateway quotes God as saying in Chronicles 7:14, “if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

See? God just wants a little attention from his creation, right?

Not quite. Sister Sarah is taking God’s words out of context. [While I don’t believe in God, I pray that people who take Her words out of context go straight to Hell.] The quote comes from the larger narrative of Soloman, in which God describes his Heavenly Protection Racket™ worthy of a Martin Scorsese mafia movie:

11 When Solomon had finished the temple of the Lord and the royal palace, and had succeeded in carrying out all he had in mind to do in the temple of the Lord and in his own palace, 12 the Lord appeared to him at night and said:

“I have heard your prayer and have chosen this place for myself as a temple for sacrifices.

13 “When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. 16 I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that my Name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there.

17 “As for you, if you walk before me faithfully as David your father did, and do all I command, and observe my decrees and laws, 18 I will establish your royal throne, as I covenanted with David your father when I said, ‘You shall never fail to have a successor to rule over Israel.’

19 “But if you[a] turn away and forsake the decrees and commands I have given you[b] and go off to serve other gods and worship them, 20 then I will uproot Israel from my land, which I have given them, and will reject this temple I have consecrated for my Name. I will make it a byword and an object of ridicule among all peoples. 21 This temple will become a heap of rubble. All[c] who pass by will be appalled and say, ‘Why has the Lord done such a thing to this land and to this temple?’ 22 People will answer, ‘Because they have forsaken the Lord, the God of their ancestors, who brought them out of Egypt, and have embraced other gods, worshiping and serving them—that is why he brought all this disaster on them.’”

TRANSLATION: “Nice little temple you got here. It’s a shame should something happen to it.”

Fox “News” sent this out to disguise the real headline: “Republicans Voice Serious Concern Over House Leader.”

House (R)s totally screwed the pooch on the so-called Fiscal Cliff negotiations. Now, to make the best of it, they are trying to sell the pups.

Another update that sounds dirty. [I don’t follow sports and had to look up “Gamecocks.” It wasn’t at all what I thought.]

I think every generation finds that the younger generations are ruder.

Now get the fuck off my lawn or I’m calling the cops.

Bonus song:

After The Orange One skedaddled off the floor of the House without bringing the Hurricane Sandy Relief Bill to a vote it appeared as if — for one brief moment — Fox “News” was going to go ‘all in’ on the political destruction of Speaker John Boehner. They promoted several people, among them Rep Steve King as well, who excoriated Boehner, pretty much disemboweling him in the process.

However, later in the day — whether it was due to a memo from The Suits above, or not — the Fox “News” coverage lurched in an entirely different direction. Suddenly, according to Fox “News,” Boehner didn’t bring up the bill because it was loaded with pork.

It took Jon Stewart, returning from vacation a week after Fox “News” reversed the anti-Boehner tide, to put the bullshit pork argument into perspective. He’s clearly angry.

Why can’t you go away, Bully Boy?

This became another Fox “News” Talking Point this week in order to get its brain-dead audience to forget that guns have caused horrible massacres in ‘Merka: Point to what it calls hypocrisy on the part of Hollywood stars because there’s violence in movies.

IRONY ALERT: The Fox “News” hypocrisy in pointing this out is that Fox, under the umbrella of parent News Corps, owns movies studios, only some of which are named Fox, or Fox Searchlight, or 20th Century Fox. You know what I’m talking about.

Despite it being a Brand New Year, it’s still the same old shit on The Five, known far and wide as the worst show on tee vee since My Mother The Car.

Leave it to Fox “News” to seize on any meme to WHITEwash the gun control debate away from the massacres. As an added bonus, it gets to slam Rep. Feinsteain in the bargain. It’s win/win for Fox “News.”

I bet Heather Childers is not afraid to share cheesecake pics of her legs. Oh, Ainsley Earworm, you were so much more fun before you went and got married.

Even Alysin “Chains” Camerota isn’t afraid to show off her assets, if you get my meaning, Ainsley.

Oh, fer fuck’s sake!!!

I’d sleep so much better if you’d just go back to delivering my morning cheesecake shot of your legs, Ainsley.

Fox “News” has had so much fun with this story since it was announced. Leave it to Bully Boy Bolling to be first off the mark with the BREAKING STORY.

This is just BEFORE Fox “News” reversed course and started to defend Speaker Boehner for his brave stand in not holding a Hurricane Sandy vote. [See above.] Loofah Lad gave Chris Christie one last kick at the cat.

MAJOR IRONY ALERT!!!

I’m sure we all remember KKKarl Rove’s biggest mistake in 2012. In case you’ve been on another planet, here it is again, because the Fox “News” Spin Cycle desk just can’t get enough of it. ENJOY!

The best part? The fact that he stutters like Porky Pig in this clip only makes the family resemblance more apparent. That’s all, folks!

Despite how wrong Rove was, Fox “News” protected him during the entire election cycle. Time after time — some days multiple times across the schedule — KKKarl Rove appeared on the “Fair and Balanced” network without mentioning his MASSIVE conflict of interest in using his 2 SuperPACs to spend an estimated $300,000,000.00 to influence the 2012 election.

Wait!!! What??? You mean to say that Fox “News” Talk Radio isn’t the ratings juggernaut that it was before its brain-dead listeners realized they were being lied to?

This is another way Fox “News” spins the news. Check out that headline. “OH NOES!!! The evil government is now trying to dictate what we can name our babies. Where do I sign up?”

Most of the Fox “News” brain-dead audience will stop at reading the headline. Only once one ‘clicks through’ is it discovered that this is happening in Iceland.

I have a better question: Do ‘Merkins care about what Loofah Lad thinks about the fiscal cliff.

Another way Fox “News” has of polluting the gun control debate. One restaurant manager does something incredibly stupid [and that’s never happened before, right?] and Fox “News” turns it into a national story to make the left look foolish on the gun control debate.

Did you or Fox “News” complain when the last guy took 32% of his presidency as vacation days?

All told, Dubya took 1,020 vacation days. At the rate of 83 vacation days in his first term, President Obama is on pace to wrack up 168 vacation days for his entire presidency. However, the Reich Wing won’t STFU about President Obama’s vacations. What’s up with that? Then, when you point that out, they say “You’re always pointing fingers at the President Bush.” What’s up with that? It would be far easier if they just owned up to their hypocrisy.

Didja notice how before the election, when the jobs numbers were released, Fox “News,” and especially Bully Boy Bolling, turned the improved numbers into a White House conspiracy to steal the election? Didja notice how after the election, as the job numbers remained on the slightly-improving-track, Fox “News” is reporting the numbers uncritically, the way it had always done before? Just asking.

It takes one to know one, Loofah Lad.

This is just another one of those Watters World segments in which he does, essentially, man-on-the-street interviews which are then edited to make Liberals, entire cities, or President Obama appear stupid. In this Watters World, Jesse Watters suckered Fox “News” into sending him to Hawaii to do man-on-the-beach interviews making Liberals, Hawaii, and President Obama appear stupid. It was a win/win/win so I guess it was money well-spent.

BOOM!
Nothing whatsoever was revealed. There was no dishing. Yawn.

“Quick! How can we blame this on President Obama?”

During the so-called Fiscal Cliff negotiations President Obama asked to renew the Payroll Tax Cut, which was always a temporary tax holiday. The GOP said no. However, this rise is being blamed by Fox “News” on . . . Guess who?

I think he’s holding his breath. Like a submerged whale.

When facebook is outlawed, only outlaws send cute cat pictures on facebook.

How many times has Fox “News” doctored photos, or edited words out of context? At least Pelosi’s office stated in the release that the last 4 women were Photoshopped in. Fox “News” admits to nothing, even when caught.

Why does this picture remind me of The Pet Goat?

I want Fox “News” hosts to register like sex offenders too. Maybe I can work closely with Liberal Mark Green (who the hell is he?) to bring our dreams to fruition.

Bret “Bare Bear” Baier couldn’t stop at just one pic of his son Paul.

Fox “News” delights in making Vice President Joe Biden look foolish. To be fair: There are times he doesn’t need the help.
Would you be surprised to find out that’s not exactly what the Labor Secretary said? Fox “News” knows that and doesn’t care. If it can find a blog that slams the Labor Secretary, then Fox “News” will run with it, despite the truth. Zero hedge? Whuzzat?

Mark Levin is another whack-job that Fox “News” loves to quote, because he says things that it is thinking.

Gentle readers: Last week I told you that Dave “Dave” Briggs was retiring from Fox and Friends Weekend and moving to NBC Sports, where he hopes enough time will pass to get the Fox “News” stink off him.

This weekend Tucker Carlson was the 3rd Stooge on the Curvy Couch. I made the mistake of calling him a word that rhymes with Tucker, but used an “F” instead. Someone, and I like to think it was that little Fucker [OOPS!] himself, reported me and I was admonished for “inappropriate content” by facebook, even though I have probably used the word “fuck” on facebook every day since I’ve been there.

What a bunch of stupid Fuckers.

At one point during a “live pop” from the boat show, Ainsley was standing on the deck of a large boat and motioning elegantly with her arm and that’s when it occurred to me where I saw her for the first time: Before her tee vee career I ran into her at one of the car shows at Cobo Hall. She was showing off the new models with the same elegant sweep of her arms, like Vannah White. I’m sure that was her.

“Because even though he’s now just a private citizen, we’re going to promote his latest crazy statements as if he ever had anything intelligent thing to say.”

Well, mostly good. How are you, Bully Boy? Do you have to confess much when you go to church?

She does have legs after all.

She just refuses to send out cheesecake of her legs in close-up now that she’s married, unlike when she sent out cheesecake of her legs out every single day [practically] before she got married.

When following the Constitution is outlawed, only outlaws follow the Constitution. Think about it.

Yes. Next question.

Flying Dis-United.

This was another way Fox “News” had to deflect the gun control conversation away from the massacres.

Hobby Lobby is the new Chick-fil-A.

Guns don’t kill people. Repeat. Guns don’t kill people.

Remember when President Obama said there are people who cling to their guns and religion? He forgot all about those who cling to their guns and their religion and their football, like Bully Boy Bolling.

This gun map being published was the best thing to happen for Fox “News” and its attempts to change the gun control conversation away from the massacres of humans to other topics.

Personally, I’m enjoying this tension between the First Amendment and the Second Amendment.

“Quick! How can we blame President Obama?”

It’s not surprising to see the NRA and Bully Boy Bolling on the same page of crazy.

Dog whistle!

More scare-mongering from the gun-clinging, religion-clinging Bully Boy Bolling.

Term limits is an unnecessary government intrusion on the people’s right to decide who to elect to serve them. Libertarians should be against term limits.

And the week ends with another Dog Whistle. Toot, toot.

It appears that 2013 will be as contentious as last year, which is why the Fox “News” Spin Cycle is working to improve your world. The FNSC is now loaded with 87% Fox “News” Snark by volume. REMEMBER: We do it all for you.

Judge Not 12 ► Sticking To His Guns

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Unretouched pic from my tee vee screen

As Libertarian Gun Control Hysteria™ diminished (slightly), Judge Nap was forced to take on other topics as well. However, having no creativity of his own, he resorts to falling back on tried and true memes.

Which is just as well for the Judge Not Research Team. As mentioned last week, I fired all of them and am training a child to do the job. His name is Larry. Or is it Robert? It doesn’t matter because I pay him in cash, under the table, where I also tuck in his leg irons when the OSHA inspectors come.

So, take it away Larry. Or Robert:

Well, he would, wouldn’t he?

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

Bonus points for the 1984 reference.

The headline is from Media Matters. If you ever needed any more proof that Judge Andy can turn any issue into a “Founding Fathers”issue? Just check out this gobbledygook:

Stocking up for the next Mayan Apocalypse.

When baseball bats with sights are outlawed, only outlaws will have baseball bats with sights.

When Freedom is outlawed, only outlaws will have Freedom. Think about it.

When press conferences on gun permit databases are outlawed, only outlaws will hold press conferences on gun permit databases.

Gee, Judge Nap, you weren’t this critical of the GOP when Dubya was in power and starting illegal wars.

Judge Andy, you are a hypocrite. You went on the air and argued that the Freedom of Information Act was written before the technology existed to disseminate the information instantly. You further argued that maybe the law needs changing so the Freedom of Information Act cannot be used in this fashion again. However, Judge Hypocrite, this is the exact same argument that some who want tighter gun control laws have cited: “In the Founder’s day, it took time to reload a musket. The Second Amendment was written before high-powered rifles and huge magazine clips came into being. One can’t expect the Founders to have anticipated this kind of slaughter and maybe some reasonable restrictions might be appropriate.” However, you support all the guns, all the time, Judge. What’s up with that?

When posing as others is outlawed, only outlaws will pose as others. Think about it!

Note how the statistic has been narrowed to “rifles” as opposed to weapons or guns in general.

Call it a mercy killing.

He wanted to do that. However, Fox “News,” Congress, and the ‘Merkin people had a shit fit.

The stereotypical Fox “News” audience.

When the Constitution is outlawed, only outlaws will ratify a Constitution.

And that’s how Judge Not ends, with a whimper not a roar.

The Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 32

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As the year ends, and 2013 begins, it’s time to compile the last Fox “News” Spin Cycle for 2012. 

It was a hell of a year for Fox “News,” having been caught out by the presidential election to be the Opposite Network: If Fox says something, the opposite must be true. Now that Fox “News” normally brain-dead viewers have realized they were being lied to, they are turning off the Propaganda Network in droves. The Fox “News” ratings are now in free fall.

Before we get to this week’s snark, I want to clear up a matter from a few weeks ago. When Fox “News” took what appeared to be an unprovoked shot at Matt Damon I wrote:

Matt Damon is another Hollywood star that Fox “News” delights in attacking. If I cared why I could research it. I would probably discover that Damon said something against Fox “News” or one of its pet projects. Or, he starred in movies with George Clooney, another Hollywood star Fox “News” attacks with regularity. The reason doesn’t have to make sense. Suffice to say Fox “News” has a hate-on for Matt Damon (and George Clooney, among others).

While I still don’t care and didn’t bother to research it, the following graphic came across my cyber-desk this week:

Add caption

So, that explains that! Matt Damon supports unionism and (presumably) teachers, both of which are sworn enemies of Fox “News.” No wonder Fox “News” attacks him without provocation.

Now that we’ve cleaned up that matter, here’s the last Fox “News” Spin Cycle for the year:

The optics are much better for President Obama if we go off the Fiscal Cliff. The GOP will get all the blame. However, I don’t think that’s what the president wants. I’m sure he’d much rather sign a deal.

This is the newest Fox “News” tactic on guns: Attack the messenger. Fox “News” is pointing out what it feels is hypocrisy on the part of those who are for some form of control on some weapons for some reasons.

There’s only one religion, as far as Fox “News” is concerned. Therefore, there’s only one holiday worth talking about.

Once again Fox “News” uses Libertarian hero Penn Jillette to make fun of “Liberals.” However, Penn Jillette has also come out strongly AGAINST the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas and did it over at CNN to boot. However, Fox “News” simply ignores that.
Penn Jillette’s recent OpEd at CNN, which slammed the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas.

Did anyone at Fox “News” tell you that this gunman used the same weapon as the gunman in the Newtown Massacre? I thought not.

It may have been a “good war,” but it has an expiry date. Is KKKarl Rove advocating we stay in Afghanistan or is he just looking for stuff to spew at President Obama because he’s a sore loser?

Fox “News” made this its singular success story for the year, since it was unable to get Mendacious Mitt elected to the White House.

Bully Boy Bolling jumps onto the Hate Gregory Bandwagon.

This is the solution to gun violence that Fox “News” has been advocating, so any instance where guns are in schools will be trumpeted from this moment on.

More proof, if it was ever needed, of the vacuity of the ‘Merkin public and, especially, the Fox “News” brain-dead audience.

Still no leg cheesecake from Ainsley Earworm. Marriage really changed that gal.

Because there is no other holiday.

Because there is no other holiday.

Because there is no other holiday.

Because there is no other holiday.

Because there is no other holiday.

Because there is no other holiday.

You can see the Fiscal Cliff from Sarah Palin’s porch.

In truth the Fiscal Cliff is barely an escarpment. [See: Hamilton, Ontario.]

Because there is no other holiday.

I would love that for my neighbourhood. It would tell me which neighbours to avoid getting into an argument with.

Calling it the Fiscal Cliff is making a mountain out of a molehill.

What’s really got Fox “News” freaked is the fact that President Obama has better leverage both before and after January 1st. The GOP are in a terrible position tactically, and they know it . . . so does Fox “News.”

Obamacare is the program Fox “News” loves to hate, so anything negative that can be said about it MUST be said about it.

Once again Loofah Lad is using his silly quiz for propaganda purposes.

Fox “News” can’t leave the Benghazi story alone, especially after its wholly fictitious conspiracy theory has fallen apart.

One person’s historical revisionism becomes a national story at Fox “News” because it’s critical of President Clinton, another president Fox “News” loves to hate.

On the other hand, George W. Bush was the president Fox “News” loved to love. Fox “News” supported all of Dubya’s policies, until the second he left office. Once the ‘Merkin public realized Dubya was an abject failure as a president, Fox “News” dropped him like a overused cliche. Now the so-called news channel barely speaks of him. This is a rare appearance of his name over the last 4 years.

It’s a reverse Oreo Cookie. While Ainsley Earworm stopped showing off her legs ever since she got married, these two Heathers are happy to pick up the slack. Your male viewers than you, Heathers.

No one points fingers better than Fox “News.” Here it points the finger at Harry Reid for saying the obvious.

If one were forced to compile a list of Fox “News” sworn enemies, Michael Moore would have to be at the top of the page. Barely a week goes by that there’s not at least one attack on Moore.

When The Falafel King FINALLY apologizes for accusing U.S. troops of the Malmédy Massacre, then I’ll take him seriously on matters of the military. Until then: Phhhht!

Do I detect some tension between the First Amendment and the Second Amendment? “Some people say” the newspaper had the RIGHT to print the map, but shouldn’t have done so to protect the gun owners. Protect them from what? They’ve got all the guns.

The Heathers are never afraid to give their brain-dead followers a little morning cheesecake. What’s Ainsley Earworm afraid of? Her husband?
It’s always stunning, no matter how many times it happens, to see Bully Boy Bolling proudly display his utter stupidity. He’s so proud of this stupid thing he said that when Mediaite quoted him, he was thrilled to pass it along.

First of all, Eric, President Obama didn’t create this mess, the House did. Secondly, Bully Boy is only fooling himself if he feels the ‘Merkin people will blame the president if the House and Senate fail to get an agreement. It will be the GOP’s fault in the eyes of the public, and rightly so. Therefore, “GOP Cliff” would be far more accurate. Lastly, why would you cheer for failure, Bully Boy? Don’t you want ‘Merka to succeed? Doncha still believe in ‘Merkin ‘Ceptionalism?

There are more upper-lip sneers in a single Michelle Malkin segment on Fox “News” than in Elvis’ entire musical career.

Kraut the Hammer is just one of MANY Fox “News” personalities that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was faking her concussion to get out of testifying before Congress. After it was revealed that the bump to her head resulted in a blood clot next to her brain and she had to be hospitalized, there was no apology from Fox “News” for its despicable reporting, as usual. Down the memory hole.

The only solution to too many guns is clearly more guns. It’s the “hair of the dog” solution to ‘Merka’s gun violence.

Michael Moore, the Liberal Fox “News” loves to hate.
This was Bully Boy Bolling at his worst this week. He was clearly angry at Michael Moore (yeah, this is a continuation of the above) and his remarks. However, when Bully Boy is angry it decouples his brain from his mouth. In other words: He runs his mouth without thinking and winds up saying something stupid. I thought Michael Moore made a good point about some of the emotions that drive gun owners and a fear of Black people IS what motivates some gun owners. However, according to Bully Boy Bolling, White people aren’t afraid of Blacks. White people are afraid of Michael Moore, and others like him, who use their First Amendment Rights to express an opinion. Because we all know that opinions are scarier than Black folk.

You just have to get right back on that horse, right Bully Boy? [Why am I thinking of The Great Santini right now?]

When fake ammunition belts are outlawed, only outlaws will wear fake ammunition belts.

The guy broke the rules imposed by his employer not to possess a weapon. It’s not that he defended himself, but that he used a weapon he carried ‘just in case’ to do so. Maybe Fox “News” would have preferred he used a gun.

It’s always fun ’til somebody pokes an eye out, right Eric Chase?

It was “Bring the Briggs to Work Day” on the Curvy Couch, just in time for Dave Briggs to leave Fox “News” on the last day of the year.

Fox “News” also loves to attack welfare recipients and the social safety net.

Of course Brent Bozo’s Media Research Center is disqualified from being awarded its own prize, otherwise it would be a runaway winner every year. They may as well retire the category.

TRANSLATION: We will allow equal access to healthcare for all, including contraception, even if one works for a religious organization, including Christians.

Because 5 hours a week of this bullshit is clearly not enough.
Once again Brent Bozo’s Media Research Center doesn’t disappoint. Fox “News” uses the MRC to say things it would never say. That’s the only reason Brent Bozo appears on the Fox “News” Channel.

TRANSLATION: Because we have more lies in us than can be contained in 5 hours of tee vee per week.

Now that former-Marine Jon Hammar has been released by the Mexican government, Fox “News” has started a new campaign to get Russia to reverse a law concerning foreign adoption. Can you imagine the outcry from Fox “News” if Russia tried to meddle in the ‘Merkin legal system? Loofah Lad would be manning the battle stations and Sean Scammity would start up a new series of Freedom Concerts from which to siphon off proceeds.

Spinning a new Benghazi story out of a shred of a quote.

Mine is the Fox and Friends theme song:

I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out.

And that, folks, is how Fox “News” accounted for itself in the last week of 2012. As we enter 2013 there will be more Fox “News” silliness to expose, counter, and ridicule. Be sure to join The Fox “News” Spin Cycle for the journey.

Judge Not 11 ► Missing Inaction At Year’s End

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Judge Nap says: “I want YOU to
repeat Libertarian nonsense without
thinking. Just like me.”

As the year Twenty-Twelve comes to an end, Judge Andy, aka The Laughing Libertarian, has been almost missing in action. 

For the entire week (despite being extra vigilant because they knew Santa Claus was watching) the Judge Not Research Team™ only managed to collect 10 items from Judge Nap for the entire week. Consequently, I fired the whole lot of them. There’s no reason I can’t train a child to do this.

Judge Nap had been so prolific when I started this weekly series. He was sending out well over 100 items per week, more than all his other Fox “News” colleagues put together. However, his output has been dwindling from week to week until, for the final Judge Not of the year, I am left with just 10 items to remark upon.

At this rate, I won’t have anything from Judge Nap to print in a few weeks. Sadly, if that were to happen, I would no longer be featured in the Lost Liberty & Freedom Today blog, which honoured me again this week.

Without any further delay, let’s get right to this week’s Judge Andy snark:

Why a publication dedicated to lionizing Judge Andy promotes my snarky posts is something I don’t understand. However, I’ll take it as it’s good for my hit-counter. Thanks!
This is part of the gun problem in ‘Merka. Now that there is public pressure to do something, ANYTHING, about gun violence in the country, some people are going to cling to their guns and religion. No matter what laws exist, there are always going to be people who will ignore the law, or find a work-a-round, no matter what.
HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

It’s amusing how Libertarians will quote Libertarian hero Penn Jillette when it’s convenient. However, Penn has also come out strongly against religion (something Judge Nap has embraced and has talked about being a proud pre-Vatican II Roman Catholic) and the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas (something else Judge Nap supports).

This, Judge Nap, is what I mean by you passing along stupid shit without really thinking it through. Help me reason this out.

Should there be guns in school hallways in locked boxes with IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS signs above them? It’s surprising to see Libertarians think more guns is the answer to too many guns in our society. This graphic seems to indicate Libertarians don’t want armed and qualified police officers in the schools — because that would be Big Government and just one step away from a New World Order, doncha know? They just want guns in the schools.

Therefore, the question needs to be asked, Judge Nap, who would wield them? I say we equip Newt Gingrinch’s proposed student janitorial staff. Whaddaya say, Judge Andy? You with me?

TRANSLATION: When law-breakers are outlawed, only outlaws will be law-breakers.

While the drone program troubles me, you’ve never answered my question: What would YOU do under the same circumstances?

No more, or less, disgusting than some of the things you’ve come up with, Judge Nap.

A word of caution for those among my readers who still cling to their guns and religion: This is not a How-To guide.

Tacitus also said, “They have plundered the world, stripping naked the land in their hunger… they are driven by greed, if their enemy be rich; by ambition, if poor… They ravage, they slaughter, they seize by false pretenses, and all of this they hail as the construction of empire. And when in their wake nothing remains but a desert, they call that peace.”

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

Here’s the deal, Judge Nap: At least Liberal Democrats have brains. A Liberal Democrat is less likely to pick up Right Wing/GOP/Teabagger/Fox “News” Talking Points and repeat them without thinking. Like you do. [See above, or previous Judge Not posts for many examples.] Liberal Democrats, as several studies have determined, are more likely to look at several sources of information before making up their minds about an issue. This is in direct opposition to believing the first thing Fox “News” falsely tells its brain-dead viewers. Liberal Democrats don’t listen to radio (or watch tee vee) to bolster
a narrow world view, as listeners of Right Wing Radio do. That’s the principle reason why Air America was unable to survive and why Fox “News” does so well. Its audience doesn’t want to be challenged. The Fox “News” audience is looking for validation.

Judge Nap, despite his professed Libertarian leanings, is happy to give them that validation. No doubt he will continue to unthinkingly pass along so-called Libertarian silliness to his brain-dead followers well into the New Year. Which is why there will always be room on my blog for Judge Not, a snarky series on the Laughable Libertarian Logic™ emanating from the Fox “News” Senior Judicial Correspondent Judge Andrew Napolitano.

Happy New Year, Judge Nap!!!

Judge Not 11 ► Missing Inaction At Year’s End

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Judge Nap says: “I want YOU to
repeat Libertarian nonsense without
thinking. Just like me.”

As the year Twenty-Twelve comes to an end, Judge Andy, aka The Laughing Libertarian, has been almost missing in action. 

For the entire week (despite being extra vigilant because they knew Santa Claus was watching) the Judge Not Research Team™ only managed to collect 10 items from Judge Nap for the entire week. Consequently, I fired the whole lot of them. There’s no reason I can’t train a child to do this.

Judge Nap had been so prolific when I started this weekly series. He was sending out well over 100 items per week, more than all his other Fox “News” colleagues put together. However, his output has been dwindling from week to week until, for the final Judge Not of the year, I am left with just 10 items to remark upon.

At this rate, I won’t have anything from Judge Nap to print in a few weeks. Sadly, if that were to happen, I would no longer be featured in the Lost Liberty & Freedom Today blog, which honoured me again this week.

Without any further delay, let’s get right to this week’s Judge Andy snark:

Why a publication dedicated to lionizing Judge Andy promotes my snarky posts is something I don’t understand. However, I’ll take it as it’s good for my hit-counter. Thanks!
This is part of the gun problem in ‘Merka. Now that there is public pressure to do something, ANYTHING, about gun violence in the country, some people are going to cling to their guns and religion. No matter what laws exist, there are always going to be people who will ignore the law, or find a work-a-round, no matter what.
HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

It’s amusing how Libertarians will quote Libertarian hero Penn Jillette when it’s convenient. However, Penn has also come out strongly against religion (something Judge Nap has embraced and has talked about being a proud pre-Vatican II Roman Catholic) and the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas (something else Judge Nap supports).

This, Judge Nap, is what I mean by you passing along stupid shit without really thinking it through. Help me reason this out.

Should there be guns in school hallways in locked boxes with IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS signs above them? It’s surprising to see Libertarians think more guns is the answer to too many guns in our society. This graphic seems to indicate Libertarians don’t want armed and qualified police officers in the schools — because that would be Big Government and just one step away from a New World Order, doncha know? They just want guns in the schools.

Therefore, the question needs to be asked, Judge Nap, who would wield them? I say we equip Newt Gingrinch’s proposed student janitorial staff. Whaddaya say, Judge Andy? You with me?

TRANSLATION: When law-breakers are outlawed, only outlaws will be law-breakers.

While the drone program troubles me, you’ve never answered my question: What would YOU do under the same circumstances?

No more, or less, disgusting than some of the things you’ve come up with, Judge Nap.

A word of caution for those among my readers who still cling to their guns and religion: This is not a How-To guide.

Tacitus also said, “They have plundered the world, stripping naked the land in their hunger… they are driven by greed, if their enemy be rich; by ambition, if poor… They ravage, they slaughter, they seize by false pretenses, and all of this they hail as the construction of empire. And when in their wake nothing remains but a desert, they call that peace.”

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

Here’s the deal, Judge Nap: At least Liberal Democrats have brains. A Liberal Democrat is less likely to pick up Right Wing/GOP/Teabagger/Fox “News” Talking Points and repeat them without thinking. Like you do. [See above, or previous Judge Not posts for many examples.] Liberal Democrats, as several studies have determined, are more likely to look at several sources of information before making up their minds about an issue. This is in direct opposition to believing the first thing Fox “News” falsely tells its brain-dead viewers. Liberal Democrats don’t listen to radio (or watch tee vee) to bolster
a narrow world view, as listeners of Right Wing Radio do. That’s the principle reason why Air America was unable to survive and why Fox “News” does so well. Its audience doesn’t want to be challenged. The Fox “News” audience is looking for validation.

Judge Nap, despite his professed Libertarian leanings, is happy to give them that validation. No doubt he will continue to unthinkingly pass along so-called Libertarian silliness to his brain-dead followers well into the New Year. Which is why there will always be room on my blog for Judge Not, a snarky series on the Laughable Libertarian Logic™ emanating from the Fox “News” Senior Judicial Correspondent Judge Andrew Napolitano.

Happy New Year, Judge Nap!!!