Tag Archives: Here Comes The Judge

Judge Not 14 ► The Gun In Granny’s Garden

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Unretouched pic of Judge Andy

The issue of guns was still foremost on Judge Andy’s mind this week, just like the last several weeks. Ever since the Newtown Massacre, in fact. Few other issues seem to engage him these days.

Meanwhile, the Judge Not Desk required no additional staffing, despite the fact that Judge Andy increased his output by 33% over last week. While it sounds like a lot, Larry (or is it Robert?), the child I hired to do this job, has improved considerably and was able to handle the increased Gun Nuttery. With Larry (or Robert) doing so well, the Temp I hired last week (who also has a name, but why should I bother learning it? She’s a temp) was able to pick up the slack.

Take it away, Judge Andy:

There have been so many specious arguments for not even considering rational gun safety legislation. Here is another one, this time from Austin Peterson. Peterson, oddly enough, also appears to be “The Libertarian Republic.” Judge Andy relies on his wisdom a lot. It’s easier than thinking.
Does more sugar equal fewer ants? More Austin Peterson propaganda.
I’m don’t quite see how the 14th Amendment could be used to raise the debt ceiling. However, to be fair, I still don’t see how the 14th Amendment could be used to declare corporations people. It seems that the 14th Amendment is pretty damned flexible. I’ll accept that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is smarter about these things than I am. Maybe there is a way to bypass the obstreperous House GOP/Teabaggers by using the 14th Amendment that I never considered.

However, since President Obama rejected using the 14th Amendment more than a month ago, Judge Nap is just scare-mongering again.
This is a perfect example of one of Judge Andy’s Tried & True Tactics™. The Laughing Libertarian likes to share commentary from people who will say what he believes, but gives him plausible deniability if it turns out to be a pack of lies.

This tactic is an extension of the second Fox “News motto. When Foxites say, “We report, you decide,” take careful note: They are, more often than not, pushing a single side of an issue with little counter-balance whatsoever. However, the use of the slogan tricks the brain-dead viewers into thinking they have just been presented with both sides of an issue.

I report; you decide.

Anyway . . . here’s what Walter Williams told the Daily Caller (in part):
If push comes to shove? Isn’t that precious? Walter Williams is full of crap, though.

True enough it’s the conventional wisdom that a “well-regulated militia” was needed in case the government suddenly turned into a rampaging Grendel. We would then be able to transform into Beowulf and save ‘Merka for herself. However, Walter Williams (and everyone else who believes this fairy tale) fails to take into account the definition of certain words back in the days of the Founding Fathers, and imbues those words with a 21st century meaning.

Thom Hartmann at Truthout, argues that “The Second Amendment was Ratified to Preserve Slavery.” As we all know, the Constitution was edited by committee and through some very serious horse-trading. The 2nd Amendment was no different. Hartmann lays it all out:

The real reason the Second Amendment was ratified, and why it says
“State” instead of “Country” (the Framers knew the difference – see the
10th Amendment), was to preserve the slave patrol militias in the
southern states, which was necessary to get Virginia’s vote.  Founders
Patrick Henry, George Mason, and James Madison were totally clear on
that . . . and we all should be too.

In the beginning, there were the militias. In the South, they were also called the “slave patrols,” and they were regulated by the states.

[…]

By the time the Constitution was ratified, hundreds of substantial slave uprisings had occurred across the South.  Blacks outnumbered whites in large areas, and the state militias were used to both prevent and to put down slave uprisings.  As Dr. Bogus points out, slavery can only exist in the context of a police state, and the enforcement of that police state was the explicit job of the militias.

If the anti-slavery folks in the North had figured out a way to disband – or even move out of the state – those southern militias, the police state of the South would collapse.  And, similarly, if the North were to invite into military service the slaves of the South, then they could be emancipated, which would collapse the institution of slavery, and the southern economic and social systems, altogether.

These two possibilities worried southerners like James Monroe, George Mason (who owned over 300 slaves) and the southern Christian evangelical, Patrick Henry (who opposed slavery on principle, but also opposed freeing slaves).

After some more debate, the Second Amendment was edited so that the “slave patrols” in the south could continue. Furthermore, they could never be molested by federal troops because now they were the well-regulated militias of the Constitution. This is the same kind of bargain with the South, and for many of the same reasons, that led to the 3/5ths compromise.

Don’t take my word for it. Read the entire article. Hartmann reports; you decide.
Yet, they didn’t have guns in the “ancient” “Judeo-Christian” world.

This is just more David Barton (Glenn Beck‘s historian) bullshit: “The Constitution is divinely inspired, so if you fuck with it, you’re fucking with the word of God. Yadda, yadda, yadda.” 

And, if you ask me Judge Nap (even tho’ you didn’t), using religion is the laziest argument you have ever used to cling to your guns.
Because: Hitler!!!
I wrote about this more extensively in Targeting the Gun Lobby ► An Aunty Em Editorial. However, as is so often the case, Jon Stewart said it best:

“I wish armed Jews in the ghetto could stop Hitler. But my feeling was, France couldn’t. And I’m pretty sure they had guns. Russia had kind of a lot of guns, and they couldn’t stop Hitler, until you factored in the wind chill.

It’s an awful lot to put on an oppressed minority, when it took the free world 5 to 6 years of all-out total war to stop that motherfucker. So let’s stop arguing these ‘what ifs’.”

Because: Hitler!!!
Because: Hitler!!!
Because: Hitler!!!
Time will tell. Who ever thought the 14th Amendment could be used to declare corporations people?
Judge! Slow the fuck down and take a chill pill. Nobody is fucking with your precious 2nd Amendment. Relax until you actually see the black helicopters on the horizon. Then you can shit yourself.
Gun Nuts will be biting their nails right down to the quick until then. NB: All of Judge Nap’s dire consequences are coming BEFORE any gun safety proposals are announced by the president. Judge Andy must be a mind reader.
It’s been almost 5 years since Heston died of complications from pneumonia. However, he was cremated. “Look, Ma: No “cold, dead hands.”
This was the Reich Wing Freak Out of the Week™. “Oh noes! The Socialist-in-Chief is going to use little children to shove through gun control and steal the Constitution!”

PoliticusUSA asks, “Remember When Bush Used Children as Political Props in Stem Cell Research Veto?” Media Matters for America points out that “[i]n 2002, President George W. Bush had children attend the signing of the No Child Left Behind Act.“
What say you about the “Supremacy Clause,” Judge Nap?

This is just another example of Judge Andy pushing stupid shit out to his brain-dead followers, knowing full well they’re not smart enough to know that States cannot nullify Federal law.

However, Judge Nap, you know perfectly well that Texas can’t do this and that NOBODY IS TRYING TO FUCK WITH YOUR PRECIOUS 2ND AMENDMENT!!! You’re just trying to get people riled up and it’s working. You’re pissing me off.
Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

Judge Nap, along with a whole raft of dead-enders (pun intended), wants you to believe that Executive Orders are an extroidonary measure. Not so at all.

According to the article Sloppy Reporting Misleads the Public on Obama’s Executive Orders:  
Executive
Orders are a president’s instructions to the staff at executive branch
agencies, defining how they are to implement the laws that already
exist. They are not laws themselves. No president can issue an Executive
Order to take your guns, or your money, make new laws, or to do
anything unconstitutional. And Obama is smart enough not to order
actions that won’t survive legal challenges.

Executive Orders are
constitutionally valid. The Constitution’s Article II, Section 1,
Clause 1 – The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the
United States of America – gives the president that ability. Each
order’s preamble states his specific legal authority for the subject of
the order. Every president has issued Executive Orders. Governors and
mayors also issue Executive Orders to their staffs.
The orders are numbered consecutively. George Washington issued EO number 1. To date, President Obama has issued 146 Executive Orders, numbered 13489 through 13635. That’s an average of about 310 orders per president. President Franklin Roosevelt holds the record at 3,466, over more than three terms in office. Herbert Hoover – a Republican – is second with 1,011 in only one term. Ronald Reagan had 380 (two terms); George H.W. Bush 165 (one term); Bill Clinton 363 (two terms); and George W. Bush 290 (two terms).
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe also said, “Ignorant men raise questions that wise men answered a thousand years ago.” That would work as a more accurate motto for Fox “News” than “Fair and Balanced.”
In a bizarre coincidence “The Empire of Lies” is the new motto for Fox “News.”

We interrupt this action-packed episode of Judge Not to bring you this message from Media Matters for America:

Judge Nap is lying through his teeth in this clip. He and Leggy Meggy Kelly argue that President Obama is destroying 2nd Amendment . . . the day before President Obama made his announcement.

However, Judge Nap also says that Executive Orders are perfectly legal. Here’s the clip:
Somebody should remind this Oregon sheriff that he is obligated by the oath he took to uphold that law and all laws. Judge Nap is in the perfect position ton make that argument, but he’d rather just pass along the headline so that his brain-dead viewers consider this Oregon sheriff some kind of 2nd Amendment Hero.
I love how Judge Nap presents the “plain truth” about President Obama’s “gun plan” before President Obama presents his “gun plan.” That’s plenty “Fair and Balanced,” right?
Because: Hitler!!! Class dismissed.
Here we go again. Judge Nap knows full well this Wyoming sheriff would be going against his oath of office if he starts to pick and choose which laws he will, and which he won’t, enforce.
The tide is turning against the Gun Nuts and they know it. That’s why they become more unhinged by the day.
Tell me, Judge. What would you replace the drone program with? Boots on the ground?
You have the right to die by bullets.
What about it? You’ve already argued that Executive Action is legal. [See clip above]
How many lazy arguments against reasonable gun safety will you trot out, Judge?

We interrupt this action-packed episode of Judge Not to bring you another message from Media Matters for America:

More scare-mongering from Judge Nap. He knows damned well that the president’s Executive Order did nothing but CLARIFY the existing law. However, he wants his brain-dead viewers to believe the gummint is coming for your guns.

Here he is making this ridiculous argument:

And, here’s a rare instance of Leggy Meggy Kelly actually providing some “Fair and Balanced” facts to counter Fox “News” bullshit when she appeared that evening on the Loofah Lad Conspiracy Hour:

Fox News host Megyn Kelly agreed that such a requirement would be troubling if it existed, but explained that “it’s not true.” Kelly went on to say that Obama’s executive order only clarifies that “Obamacare does not prohibit the doctors from asking [patients] about guns” “if they want to ask.” She further noted that during the passage of health care reform, the NRA successfully lobbied to ensure the bill contained a provision “saying patients don’t have to answer if they are asked by their doctor whether they have a gun.”

Watch Leggy Meggy shoot down The Falafel King and, consequently, Judge Nap’s bullshit:

Wars never create a safer world . . . until they are over, and then only sometimes.
I think Judge Nap just has an orgasm.
That’s the whole purpose of the Constitution? Boy, you must think your brain-dead viewers are totally idiotic to believe that overly-simplistic excuse for you to continue to cling to your guns.

Like ACORN?
HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!
This is totally flawed analogy for the trillion dollar coin, but Judge Nap is hoping that because it’s presented in cartoon form his brain-dead followers won’t notice. Besides, Judge, they said more than a week ago the trillion dollar coin idea is a non-starter. Why are you still flogging this dead horse?
Libertarians: Diligently ignoring any facts that put holes in their over-simplistic argument that there is no problem that an originalists version of the Constitution can’t solve. 

The Reich Wing went nuts and insisted that King Obama was going to take your guns and force everyone to floss 3 times a day. The King is dead. Long live the King.
Not surprising to Liberals, Progressives, and politicians who have encountered some of these people at Teabagger rallies, the answer is a resounding YES.

In point of fact: Teabagger and Libertarian groups provide great cover for Neo-Nazis and White Supremacists. The more these groups deny it, the deeper they can infiltrate and influence these groups. I’m surprised that Judge Andy and Austin Peterson (who wrote the article to which The Judge links) are willing to confront this ugly fact.

That’s how the Judge Not week ends. Because: Hitler!!!

And, it turns out my latest hire’s name is neither Larry nor Robert. It’s Panjeet and he’s come up with what seems like a winning plan for outsourcing the whole operation. I’ll have to do some serious number crunching, but it might not be long before we move the Judge Not Desk to an unpronounceable country. One where they work for pennies on the dollar. For now Panjeet thinks he’s going to head up the operation. I’ll just let him keep thinking that until I fire his ass. That’s just between you, me, and the doorpost.

Judge Not 13 ► Clinging To His Guns

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Unretouched photo of Judge Andrew “Andy Nappy”
Napolitano taken directly from my tee vee screen

For the 1st full week of the New Year, Judge Andy doubled his output over last week, causing considerable problems at the Judge Not Desk. 

If you recall, dear reader, when (several weeks ago) Judge Andy reduced his output to a mere 10 posts, I decided to fire all the Judge Not interns and hire a child instead. Larry (or is it Robert? I really need to remember his name, or hire somebody whose name I can remember) was being trained slowly. However, as Vice President Biden’s Gun Control Task Force met with more stakeholders this week, Judge Andy became more and more unhinged. Suddenly, and without any advance warning, he doubled his output and Larry (Robert?) couldn’t keep up. I was forced to hire a Temp at a much higher rate than it would have cost had I kept the interns in the first place.

The crux of this story: Monitoring the Laughing Libertarian™ has not been cost effective so far. No matter. Here’s this week’s edition of Judge Not:

WTF, Judge Andy?

When I create a unique order of English words to convey a thought, it becomes my copyright, or, my intellectual property. How can you silly Libertarians argue that copyright laws are anti-capitalistic on one hand while, on the other, defend physical property rights? Hypocrite, much?
Here’s another example of Judge Nap unthinkingly passing along more unthinking wisdom from the unthinking Libertarian Republic. When is a law legal, Judge? I’m surprised I even have to explain this to the Fox “News” Senior Judicial Analyst, but here goes: 

A law is legal from the time it is passed right up to the moment it is rejected by the Supreme Court. If it is supported by the Supreme Court, it remains a legal law. Only the Supreme Court can declare a legal law unconstitutional, or illegal.

Still confused? I’ll give you a hint, Judge: You might be an originalist, but deep down you really know the law is whatever the courts decide it is. Stop trying to confuse people.
Meh! Who cares what Pelosi said? I’d do anything to thwart the GOP on the Debt Ceiling, even if that meant minting a coin out of Silly Putty.

The Debt Ceiling debate is another one of those phony issues on which Fox “News” has been providing the GOP interference. And, you, Judge Nap, are party to pushing that lie.

The debt ceiling was held hostage the last go-round, which led to the creation of the Fiscal Cliff, remember? Which also led to the credit downgrade, remember? Now the GOP may hold the Debt Ceiling hostage again and you’re fully prepared to help in this latest duplicity, Judge. Good for you!

The fact of the matter is, as you well know Judge, the Debt Ceiling is the money already spent. To not raise the debt ceiling is like a credit card holder saying, I don’t think I’ll pay off the company that has already extended me credit and already paid my bills. It’s money already spent, Judge. What part of that don’t you understand?

Furthermore, the Debt Ceiling was never the subject of rancorous debate before and it has been raised dozens of times. What changed? Oh right! That Black guy in the White House. I get it now. You’re a hypocrite, right?
Alex Jone’s crazy rants are the best argument for gun control, Judge. Please, don’t stop.
By the time this Gun Control Battle is over, this mother will be lionized as a Second Amendment Hero™ with her own Commemorative Bullets and statues in every town square.

Trust me on this one.
Just think of McChrystal as the Drone Goldilocks: “These drone strikes are too many. These drone strikes are too few. These drone strikes are just right.”
When vegetable gardens are outlawed, only outlaws will have vegetable gardens.

So the fuck what, Judge? There are many municipalities (and don’t even get me started on HOAs) that have absurd laws. I’d be willing to lay a $10,000 Mendacious Mitt bet that an equal number of towns and cities have outlawed hanging laundry outside, on your own property. When you start to go after the clothesline laws I’ll take you seriously on the front-yard garden issue?

Here we go again! No, Judge. It’s not unconstitutional until it’s adjudged (look it up) so in a court of law. Until then it’s merely YOUR OPINION that it’s unconstitutional.

While on the subject: It’s not “Obama’s extension of the wiretapping law.” Let me remind you how this works: The House and the Senate pass the laws. The president can sign them, or veto them. Signing it doesn’t make it “Obama’s extension,” unless you want to start to talk about “Dubya’s Illegal War in Iraq” that passed in Congress.

You’re welcome.
Sorry, Judge. That’s just an outright lie, isn’t it? The truth of the matter is that AIG treated the ‘Merkin taxpayer as a piggybank. Besides, AIG has smartly decided not to sue the ‘Merkin government because “suing the U.S. would kill AIG.”

So, with all due respect, Judge: what the fuck are you talking about?
Of course not. Otherwise landlords could also decide not to rent to Blacks, or Jews, or Italian Judges. On the other hand, the cities of San Jose and Oakland could pass legally constituted laws which zone certain areas as “No Pot Zones,” but that would just be More Big Government™, wouldn’t it? And, just to drive home a previous point: those laws would be perfectly legal until a court of law ruled they were unconstitutional.
Zakly! Just as there is “no merit” to your contention that “the feds used AIG as a piggy bank and they should be made to answer for it.” Right, Judge? It’s just another lie to make the Black guy in the White House look bad, right? It’s okay to admit it. In fact, it might be liberating.
I love how people have seized upon this as a religious freedom issue, as opposed to a human rights issue.

If anyone ever told me they wanted my kids to wear an RFID chip, I’d shove it right up their ass on the spot.
While it may or may not be “economically catastrop,” another faux fight over the Debt Ceiling could be a lot worse.
However, the Treasury has ruled out minting a trillion dollar coin. So, that ridiculous Talking Point is gone now. That allows us to concentrate on the obstreperous GOP holding the Debt Ceiling hostage all over again in an attempt to make the president look bad again. It won’t work this time. The ‘Merkin people are on to the Teabaggers intransigence for the sake of intransigence. I’m looking at you, Eric Cantor.

When Executive Orders are outlawed, only outlaws will issue Executive Orders.

S’funny thing tho’, Judge Andy: I never heard the sheep bleating when Dubya was signing all those Executive Orders that he he would not be bound by legally constituted laws while fighting terr’ism. Wouldn’t that have been unconstitutional?

Why don’t you wait until Executive Orders are actually issued before you start to complain about them, Judge Nap? I know! What a concept!
Gun nuts just don’t understand. The Founding Fathers never anticipated wholesale slaughter by front-loading muskets.
When do I get my own tank and shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft weapons? I’d need that — at the very least — to hold off a tyrannical government for a couple of hours.
So far I’m not laughing, Judge.
TRANSLATION: God gave us our Right to Bear Arms and only God can take them away.

Not just clinging to guns and religion [Where the hell have I heard that phrase before?], but intertwining the two.

[To be fair: The article goes on (and on and on and on). I only used the first 3 paragraphs under the Fair Use laws which protect Judge Nap’s copyright. See above.]
Sorry, Judge, wrong again. The rule of law is sovereign.
Because you can always count on Fox “News” to cling to its Guns & God, which is much pithier than “guns and religion.”
So, gimmee my thermonuclear bomb already.

This is the lamest defense of gun rights there is. If the government is coming for you, there is no amount of weaponry — that can legally be owned today — that would allow you resist for very long. Reasonable gun control laws will not change the balance of power one iota, Judge Nap. Your gun arguments just get worse and worse.
That all depends on what the president does, how the Executive Orders are worded, and whether a court rules for, or against, the Executive Action if implemented and, more importantly, if challenged. Otherwise, to quote President Nixon, “When the President does it, it’s not illegal.”
This is the second laziest argument made by Second Amendment advocates. And, it’s false. Are you aware you are passing along false information, Judge Andy? If not, you can always correct the record. If so, then you are simply a lyin’ sumnabitch. I have always suspected the latter.
HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

And, pointing to violence in Hollywood movies is the third laziest argument of Second Amendment advocates. And, I’d be careful criticizing Hollywood too much, Judge. Fox owns more than one movie production company.

The best words of advice I ever received for instances like
this came from my Pops, who turns 87 next month: “If my grandmother had balls, she’d be my
grandfather.” In other words: You can argue “what ifs” ’til you’re blue in the face, but
that’s not the reality in front of you. Suck it up.

And, this is the 4th laziest argument from Second Amendment advocates. As stupid and offensive as this argument is, Judge, it’s not nearly as stupid and offensive as the similar argument of Larry Ward, founder of the upcoming “Gun Appreciation Day,” which appears to be designed after the Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, except no one is being encouraged to eat their gun. Ward said almost the exact same thing as you did, Judge, except he said, “I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.”

You do realize, doncha Judge, that the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto were in the ghetto because of pogroms elsewhere and a ghetto was the best they could do? By the time Hitler came along the Jews had been marginalized for several hundred years. You might as well say, “If the Jews had guns, there wouldn’t have been a Jewish ghetto in Warsaw.” Or, “If my grandmother had balls . . . “

Thanks, Pops.
There are far more people, according to the most recent polls, who think the NRA are “standing on the graves of dead kids” with its knee-jerk reaction to discussions of reasonable gun laws.

I still need you to explain to me how a police department having a drone is any different than a police department having a helicopter. It’s not like I haven’t asked you several times, Judge Andy.
This became the new way to bash President Obama as the week neared its end. And, oh lookie, Judge Nap is happy to pass along the latest Fox “News” Faux Controversy™.
This is the textbook definition of a closed loop system. Follow along:

Ever since the Newtown Massacre Fox “News” has been trying to do everything in its power to keep the discussion off the death of children and gun control, in essence parroting the stance of the NRA. After the NRA met with Vice President Biden Chris Cox came out and called it a “dog and pony show” and that the administration was just “checking off a box.”  This made a perfect soundbite for Fox “News,” which was happy to promote this one-sided and dismissive point of view. The NRA and, incidentally, Judge Nap, were was so pleased with the Fox “News” promotion that they passed it along to their brain-dead followers. It all comes full circle and the loop is closed.

As long as the discussion remains on gun control, Judge Andy will continue to go off half-cocked. [See what I did there?] He’ll continue to send out stupid shit without thinking about the broader implications. Which is why Larry (Robert?) and the new Temp (I know she must have a name) will be working 12-hour shifts, with their lunch break cut to 15 minutes. These weekly episodes of Judge Not don’t write themselves, yannow.

Judge Not 12 ► Sticking To His Guns

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Unretouched pic from my tee vee screen

As Libertarian Gun Control Hysteria™ diminished (slightly), Judge Nap was forced to take on other topics as well. However, having no creativity of his own, he resorts to falling back on tried and true memes.

Which is just as well for the Judge Not Research Team. As mentioned last week, I fired all of them and am training a child to do the job. His name is Larry. Or is it Robert? It doesn’t matter because I pay him in cash, under the table, where I also tuck in his leg irons when the OSHA inspectors come.

So, take it away Larry. Or Robert:

Well, he would, wouldn’t he?

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

Bonus points for the 1984 reference.

The headline is from Media Matters. If you ever needed any more proof that Judge Andy can turn any issue into a “Founding Fathers”issue? Just check out this gobbledygook:

Stocking up for the next Mayan Apocalypse.

When baseball bats with sights are outlawed, only outlaws will have baseball bats with sights.

When Freedom is outlawed, only outlaws will have Freedom. Think about it.

When press conferences on gun permit databases are outlawed, only outlaws will hold press conferences on gun permit databases.

Gee, Judge Nap, you weren’t this critical of the GOP when Dubya was in power and starting illegal wars.

Judge Andy, you are a hypocrite. You went on the air and argued that the Freedom of Information Act was written before the technology existed to disseminate the information instantly. You further argued that maybe the law needs changing so the Freedom of Information Act cannot be used in this fashion again. However, Judge Hypocrite, this is the exact same argument that some who want tighter gun control laws have cited: “In the Founder’s day, it took time to reload a musket. The Second Amendment was written before high-powered rifles and huge magazine clips came into being. One can’t expect the Founders to have anticipated this kind of slaughter and maybe some reasonable restrictions might be appropriate.” However, you support all the guns, all the time, Judge. What’s up with that?

When posing as others is outlawed, only outlaws will pose as others. Think about it!

Note how the statistic has been narrowed to “rifles” as opposed to weapons or guns in general.

Call it a mercy killing.

He wanted to do that. However, Fox “News,” Congress, and the ‘Merkin people had a shit fit.

The stereotypical Fox “News” audience.

When the Constitution is outlawed, only outlaws will ratify a Constitution.

And that’s how Judge Not ends, with a whimper not a roar.

Judge Not 11 ► Missing Inaction At Year’s End

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Judge Nap says: “I want YOU to
repeat Libertarian nonsense without
thinking. Just like me.”

As the year Twenty-Twelve comes to an end, Judge Andy, aka The Laughing Libertarian, has been almost missing in action. 

For the entire week (despite being extra vigilant because they knew Santa Claus was watching) the Judge Not Research Team™ only managed to collect 10 items from Judge Nap for the entire week. Consequently, I fired the whole lot of them. There’s no reason I can’t train a child to do this.

Judge Nap had been so prolific when I started this weekly series. He was sending out well over 100 items per week, more than all his other Fox “News” colleagues put together. However, his output has been dwindling from week to week until, for the final Judge Not of the year, I am left with just 10 items to remark upon.

At this rate, I won’t have anything from Judge Nap to print in a few weeks. Sadly, if that were to happen, I would no longer be featured in the Lost Liberty & Freedom Today blog, which honoured me again this week.

Without any further delay, let’s get right to this week’s Judge Andy snark:

Why a publication dedicated to lionizing Judge Andy promotes my snarky posts is something I don’t understand. However, I’ll take it as it’s good for my hit-counter. Thanks!
This is part of the gun problem in ‘Merka. Now that there is public pressure to do something, ANYTHING, about gun violence in the country, some people are going to cling to their guns and religion. No matter what laws exist, there are always going to be people who will ignore the law, or find a work-a-round, no matter what.
HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

It’s amusing how Libertarians will quote Libertarian hero Penn Jillette when it’s convenient. However, Penn has also come out strongly against religion (something Judge Nap has embraced and has talked about being a proud pre-Vatican II Roman Catholic) and the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas (something else Judge Nap supports).

This, Judge Nap, is what I mean by you passing along stupid shit without really thinking it through. Help me reason this out.

Should there be guns in school hallways in locked boxes with IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS signs above them? It’s surprising to see Libertarians think more guns is the answer to too many guns in our society. This graphic seems to indicate Libertarians don’t want armed and qualified police officers in the schools — because that would be Big Government and just one step away from a New World Order, doncha know? They just want guns in the schools.

Therefore, the question needs to be asked, Judge Nap, who would wield them? I say we equip Newt Gingrinch’s proposed student janitorial staff. Whaddaya say, Judge Andy? You with me?

TRANSLATION: When law-breakers are outlawed, only outlaws will be law-breakers.

While the drone program troubles me, you’ve never answered my question: What would YOU do under the same circumstances?

No more, or less, disgusting than some of the things you’ve come up with, Judge Nap.

A word of caution for those among my readers who still cling to their guns and religion: This is not a How-To guide.

Tacitus also said, “They have plundered the world, stripping naked the land in their hunger… they are driven by greed, if their enemy be rich; by ambition, if poor… They ravage, they slaughter, they seize by false pretenses, and all of this they hail as the construction of empire. And when in their wake nothing remains but a desert, they call that peace.”

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

Here’s the deal, Judge Nap: At least Liberal Democrats have brains. A Liberal Democrat is less likely to pick up Right Wing/GOP/Teabagger/Fox “News” Talking Points and repeat them without thinking. Like you do. [See above, or previous Judge Not posts for many examples.] Liberal Democrats, as several studies have determined, are more likely to look at several sources of information before making up their minds about an issue. This is in direct opposition to believing the first thing Fox “News” falsely tells its brain-dead viewers. Liberal Democrats don’t listen to radio (or watch tee vee) to bolster
a narrow world view, as listeners of Right Wing Radio do. That’s the principle reason why Air America was unable to survive and why Fox “News” does so well. Its audience doesn’t want to be challenged. The Fox “News” audience is looking for validation.

Judge Nap, despite his professed Libertarian leanings, is happy to give them that validation. No doubt he will continue to unthinkingly pass along so-called Libertarian silliness to his brain-dead followers well into the New Year. Which is why there will always be room on my blog for Judge Not, a snarky series on the Laughable Libertarian Logic™ emanating from the Fox “News” Senior Judicial Correspondent Judge Andrew Napolitano.

Happy New Year, Judge Nap!!!

Judge Not 11 ► Missing Inaction At Year’s End

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Judge Nap says: “I want YOU to
repeat Libertarian nonsense without
thinking. Just like me.”

As the year Twenty-Twelve comes to an end, Judge Andy, aka The Laughing Libertarian, has been almost missing in action. 

For the entire week (despite being extra vigilant because they knew Santa Claus was watching) the Judge Not Research Team™ only managed to collect 10 items from Judge Nap for the entire week. Consequently, I fired the whole lot of them. There’s no reason I can’t train a child to do this.

Judge Nap had been so prolific when I started this weekly series. He was sending out well over 100 items per week, more than all his other Fox “News” colleagues put together. However, his output has been dwindling from week to week until, for the final Judge Not of the year, I am left with just 10 items to remark upon.

At this rate, I won’t have anything from Judge Nap to print in a few weeks. Sadly, if that were to happen, I would no longer be featured in the Lost Liberty & Freedom Today blog, which honoured me again this week.

Without any further delay, let’s get right to this week’s Judge Andy snark:

Why a publication dedicated to lionizing Judge Andy promotes my snarky posts is something I don’t understand. However, I’ll take it as it’s good for my hit-counter. Thanks!
This is part of the gun problem in ‘Merka. Now that there is public pressure to do something, ANYTHING, about gun violence in the country, some people are going to cling to their guns and religion. No matter what laws exist, there are always going to be people who will ignore the law, or find a work-a-round, no matter what.
HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

It’s amusing how Libertarians will quote Libertarian hero Penn Jillette when it’s convenient. However, Penn has also come out strongly against religion (something Judge Nap has embraced and has talked about being a proud pre-Vatican II Roman Catholic) and the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas (something else Judge Nap supports).

This, Judge Nap, is what I mean by you passing along stupid shit without really thinking it through. Help me reason this out.

Should there be guns in school hallways in locked boxes with IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS signs above them? It’s surprising to see Libertarians think more guns is the answer to too many guns in our society. This graphic seems to indicate Libertarians don’t want armed and qualified police officers in the schools — because that would be Big Government and just one step away from a New World Order, doncha know? They just want guns in the schools.

Therefore, the question needs to be asked, Judge Nap, who would wield them? I say we equip Newt Gingrinch’s proposed student janitorial staff. Whaddaya say, Judge Andy? You with me?

TRANSLATION: When law-breakers are outlawed, only outlaws will be law-breakers.

While the drone program troubles me, you’ve never answered my question: What would YOU do under the same circumstances?

No more, or less, disgusting than some of the things you’ve come up with, Judge Nap.

A word of caution for those among my readers who still cling to their guns and religion: This is not a How-To guide.

Tacitus also said, “They have plundered the world, stripping naked the land in their hunger… they are driven by greed, if their enemy be rich; by ambition, if poor… They ravage, they slaughter, they seize by false pretenses, and all of this they hail as the construction of empire. And when in their wake nothing remains but a desert, they call that peace.”

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

Here’s the deal, Judge Nap: At least Liberal Democrats have brains. A Liberal Democrat is less likely to pick up Right Wing/GOP/Teabagger/Fox “News” Talking Points and repeat them without thinking. Like you do. [See above, or previous Judge Not posts for many examples.] Liberal Democrats, as several studies have determined, are more likely to look at several sources of information before making up their minds about an issue. This is in direct opposition to believing the first thing Fox “News” falsely tells its brain-dead viewers. Liberal Democrats don’t listen to radio (or watch tee vee) to bolster
a narrow world view, as listeners of Right Wing Radio do. That’s the principle reason why Air America was unable to survive and why Fox “News” does so well. Its audience doesn’t want to be challenged. The Fox “News” audience is looking for validation.

Judge Nap, despite his professed Libertarian leanings, is happy to give them that validation. No doubt he will continue to unthinkingly pass along so-called Libertarian silliness to his brain-dead followers well into the New Year. Which is why there will always be room on my blog for Judge Not, a snarky series on the Laughable Libertarian Logic™ emanating from the Fox “News” Senior Judicial Correspondent Judge Andrew Napolitano.

Happy New Year, Judge Nap!!!

Judge Not 10 ► Guns

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Judge Andy in unretouched pic
taken directly from my tee vee screen

As last week’s exciting episode of Judge Not came to a close, our erstwhile hero Judge Andy had already begun to observe Radio Silence, which started as soon as the magnitude of the massacre in Newtown became known. 

While it’s clearly against the Aunty Em Ericann blog employee rules, all the Judge Not unpaid interns took a long, liquid lunch at the same time (leaving the phones to ring off the hook) to argue and speculate how long it would be before The Laughing Libertarian was back to messaging. More importantly, they organized an office pool on how long it would be before Judge Nap broached the issue of guns again. As it turned out, that happened the very next day with his second message. [I’d tell you who won the pool, but I don’t think they plan to declare their winnings. Therefore, it’s best if it remains an office secret. Besides,] I fired all the interns and hired new ones. I’ll teach them to have a long, liquid lunch without me.


On a personal note: Last week’s Judge Not blog post was promoted twice during the week on the Lost Liberty & Freedom Today blog. Thank you so much. It’s quite an honour and I’ll try not to disappoint our mutual, faithful readers.

Now, take it away Judge Andy:

There are no innocent ‘Merkins.

Guns! It was only a day after the Newtown Massacre that Judge Andy felt the need to defend guns, using another famous Libertarian to do so, rather than to make his position clear. Careful there, Judge Andy: Penn Jillette has also come out strongly against the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas AND the whole concept of God and religion. Are you really sure you want to embrace his views?

This is another selectively edited version of a person’s remarks, which my faithful readers recognize as the Reich Wing Breitbartian tactic it is. Follow along:

A deceptive edit is an attempt to discredit everything else that was said. In this case it’s the single word “exploit” without any other context. The interview was actually quite reasonable (IMHO) about the issue of gun control versus the Second Amendment. However, Judge Nap doesn’t want his brain-dead followers to know that someone is being reasonable about gun control. Judge Andy just wants his brain-dead followers to KNOW President Obama is coming for their guns. Consequently, he’ll pass along a Washington Times (!) article with a Breitbartian headline taking a single word out of all context whatsoever.

This is proof positive why Judge Nap cannot be trusted. He’s not a “fair and balanced” adjudicator. He has his thumbs on the scales to get his brain-dead followers to believe certain things which are not entirely true. And, he’s happy to do it.

Were you this vocal about The Patriot Act, Judge Nap, at the time? Or, were you one of those ‘Merkins who supported the war in Iraq, rendition, the Guantanamo Gulag, and the whole Security Industrial Complex?

In all honesty (and I don’t know why you never reply to any of my questions), do you really think laws that would ban 30-round ammunition clips and certain types of ammunition are unconstitutional? Do you think making it as hard to get a gun as get a driver’s license would be unconstitutional? Do you see all gun control measures as unconstitutional? Take your time, Judge Nap.

And the typo, Judge Nap? FORGIVEN, because I’m sure to make some in my lifetime.

What do YOU think, Judge Nap? I wish you would enlighten us on your feelings, as opposed to passing along what others say to maintain a modicum of plausible deniability.

This is the first of my two appearances on the Lost Liberty & Freedom Today blog this week. It’s a seminal honour to appear on this blog because the Lost Liberty and Freedom Today site is set up (apparently) by a Judge Andy Libertarian Lap Dog™.

Days before Head NRA Gun Nut Wayne LaPierre said the only answer to gun violence was more guns, people like Judge Andy, among other Fox “News” personalities, were already promoting that solution.

Not to be outdone NASA has announced its new defense against asteroids hitting the Earth. Everybody will be able to possess their own asteroids.

The Washington Times, also mentioned above, is an almost slavishly Reich Wing publication masquerading as a news source. Why does that sound familiuar? Anyway, the Washington Times reviewed Judge Andy’s new book. To no one’s surprise, it liked it. It liked it a lot!!!

Where do I sign up for my tin foil hat? I’ve read several articles about this and I have yet to find any credible sourcing. While I cannot say it’s NOT true, it all has the feeling of Black Helicopters and FEMA Concentration Camps.

Would you be at all surprised to find out the article didn’t actually say gun control was racist? It did, however, make the point that gun control has been used historically to take away the guns of minorities, while leaving those of the majority intact.

Judge Nap never fails to pass along TSA silliness. However, he has never answered my question of “What would you replace the TSA with?” The undeniable truth is this: If we had the TSA secure the nation’s schools we wouldn’t to place armed guards in every one.

I can’t tell whether Judge Andy thinks this was a good idea, or a bad one.

Remember the mind-set of the Founders: they only knew breach-loading rifles, which took time to reload. Had they known of 30-round clips in assault rifles, and seen the carnage they cause, the Founding Fathers might have been smart enough to have done something about regulating them.

At any rate, Judge Nap, this is just another silly red herring. If you want to cling to your guns (and religion?) as a check against a potentially tyrannical central government, might I just remind you that the other side has tanks? And, that’s just for starters. If you get really obnoxious they can use tactical nuclear weapons to take your sorry ass out. Why do you think your littler pea-shooter, whatever the hell it is, will be any match for the government?

Here’s another one for you to answer, Judge: Who in a position of power has actually advocated confiscating guns? You’re just trying to stir up the emotions of your brain-dead followers.

But . . . but . . . but . . . I would have thought this would make you happy. Sure it’s a crazy idea, that is also unconstitutional to boot, but at least she’s half-way to your position of thinking we need guns in all schools. Now all you have to do is convince her to give guns to all the janitorial staff. Or, maybe, all school cafeteria workers. Or, even better, arm all school nurses who can not only kill intruders, but can also treat anyone injured by them.

Truth? That’s rich, Judge Nap? You serve to mislead. However, feel free to tell my faithful readers the truth, Judge Nap: Who in the White House (which you’ve pictured wearing a turban? What the hell is that?) wants to ban guns?

Because the only answer to guns is more guns and what might work in Texas is perfectly applicable to Detroit or New York or any other place in ‘Merka.

Izzat a good thing, or a bad thing, Judge Nap? Is Scientology a cult which needs investigating, or is it a government intrusion on freedom of religion?

It would be more accurate to say, “Your cellphone is capable of spying on you.” However, that wouldn’t play into Judge Nap’s desire to make you afraid of your government.

What does this have to do with guns? You’re slipping, Judge.

Yet, as long as it remains a Republic people can vote the leadership out. So, what’s your point again?

Once again, we’ll forgive the typo, Judge Nap. However, let me give you a little tip. If you are going to adopt as your cause a Marine who allegedly broke Mexican law, you could at THE VERY LEAST spell his first name right. Jon Hammar was being held according to Mexican law. If tee vee hosts in, f’rinstance, Great Britain started to agitate for the release of a ‘Merkin prisoner who had yet to stand trial on criminal charges, Fox “News” personalities would be the first to tell them to “Shut the fuck up.” Yet, Fox “News” took on Jon Hammar’s cause, despite the fact that its only source of information on what laws he may have broken and how he was being treated came from his mother, who kept calling it “a clerical error.”

See article below.

And, it’s this kind of thoughtless defense of the Second Amendment that makes Judge Andy a Libertarian hero.

Judge, I have to ask again: Who has proposed a gun ban? Who is trying to take away your guns?

And, this is how my weekend ended, with another promotion of my Judge Not series over at the Lost Liberty and Freedom Today blog. I just want them to know I will do everything in my power to stay true to the site’s confusing and wordy motto of “NEWS FOR THINKING HUMANS & AN ARMY OF 2000+ CITIZEN NEWS SPOTTERS TO BRING OUT THE REAL NEWS!”

If Judge Nap ever wants to answer any of my questions, he knows where to find me. If he doesn’t, he can just ask the government which, I’m sure, has a complete dossier on someone who used the nom de plume Aunty Em Ericann for 7 years.

Next year the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas will be fought with assault rifles.

Judge Not 9 ► The Post Gun Edition

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Unretouched pic of Judge Andy, from
my tee vee, showing his gigantic brain.

As the week began Judge “Andy” Napolitano, the Fox “News” Senior Judicial Analyst, must have still been stewing over Bob Costas’ gun comments from last week, just like the rest of the Fox “News” personalities. 

One of my life’s amusements, such as it is, is watching how quickly Fox “News” jumps to attacking the messenger, without noting the delicious irony that it too is a messenger, although thoroughly discredited messenger after the recent election. Jon Stewart noted other ironies about how Fox “News” doesn’t cover gun violence.

This week’s edition of Judge Not will continue after these Daily Show videos:

Take it away, Judge Nap:

When drunken football players are outlawed, only outlaws will be Right to Work Cowboys . . . or something.
You’re paid to give us your thoughts, Judge. What do YOU think of this, Judge Andy? BTW: What’s YOUR take on the Newtown Massacre?

I understand why you are promoting your book, Judge Nap, but why do you call it a book bomb? Is that merely wish fulfillment?

When unions are outlawed, only outlaws will join unions . . . or something.

When drunk driving is outlawed, only outlaws will . . . Wait!!! What??? It already is??? Never mind.

And yet, George Will is a corrupt knave, also known as a Conservative Hack.

One thing at a time, Judge Andy. After the “for profit” health industry is destroyed, the Socialists will dismantle the “for profit” education system. However, for now, Libertarians should be grateful that the prison systems are still being privatized.

Well, Duh!

Why do you like to pass along already debunked statistics, Judge Nap? By the time you get around to sharing with your brain-dead followers, most of what you push on them has already been proven false.

This is just more “Hate the unions” rhetoric, a regularly occurring Fox “News” meme.

Look out below!!! The book is bombing!!!

This is just more “Hate the unions” rhetoric.

This is just more “Hate the unions” rhetoric.

This is just more “Hate the unions” rhetoric.

You’re going to turn this into a moral issue? Hoo boy!!!

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

Whose behavior is committed to destroying the Constitution, Judge Andy?

Whose behavior is committed to destroying the Constitution, Judge Andy? The House?

Wall Street has always been more important than Main Street, Judge. So what if HSBC only got a slap on the wrist?

LOOK OUT BELOW!!! BOOK BOMB!!! Send the Feds a message. LOOK OUT BELOW!!! BOOK BOMB!!!

Reason allowed Judge Andy to BOOK BOMB them with an interview about his book. LOOK OUT BELOW!!!

All of Fox “News” celebrated when Ambassador Susan Rice’s head was finally on the platter.

It came as highly amusing news that Judge Nap, who claims to be a Libertarian, is not JUST religious, and not JUST a Roman
Catholic, but he actually admits that he preferred the Church prior to all the inclusive reforms known
as Vatican II. That means Judge Andy identifies with the ’50s and early ’60s. He’d even rather have the Mass in Latin. Ipso facto: Judge Nap embraces his cognitive dissonance. It also explains his Constitution fetish. It’s why he won’t accept the Constitution as a living document. He is an “originalist” who believes the Constitution was divinely inspired by the pre-Vatican II God.

A truly rational Libertarianism seems totally incompatible with religion. Which is probably why there are so many essays by so many people who are trying to justify being religious Libertarians. More cognitive dissonance.

This would be a good time to remind Judge Andy he works for a company that used the same tactics to spy on private citizens that he’s now decrying. That feels so hypocritical.

This slap on the wrist — which admittedly is a record fine, but still a drop in the bucket for HSBC — was merely a money grab? Who knew? Thanks for clearing that up, Judge Nap.

Dear Readers: Occasionally Judge Andy passes along a real story from a CREDIBLE source that is actually worth reading. This WIRED story concerns a court case in which ‘Merkin spy agencies might claim National Security to prevent state secrets from being blurted out in open court.

NB: These Judge Not columns are compiled in chronological order on Saturday morning. Between the screen capture above (from Thursday) and the two below (from Friday morning), Adam Lanza murdered 20 children and 6 adults in Newtown, Connecticut. The news slowly trickled out, as did Judge Andy’s last two updates of the week. Judge Nap may simply not have heard the tragic news yet.

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

Heya, Judge? This is something you should share with all the other Fox “News” personalities who seem to believe that TORTURE IS TERRIFIC. [I get the bumper sticker royalties.] Why just this past week your colleague Greg Gutfeld seemed to sum up the Fox “News” attitude when he blurted out, “Like I Always Say — Waterboarding? More Like Awesomeboarding.”

It’s worth noting that after those last 2 screen caps from early Friday morning, there was nothing else from Judge Nap after the magnitude of the horror in Newtown, Connecticut, became known.

Judge Andy went into Radio Silence.

It will be interesting to see what his first words next week will be and whether the 2nd Amendment will come up in next week’s exciting edition of Judge Not. Stay tuned.

Judge Not 8 ► Bob Costas Control

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Totally unretouched pic of Judge Nap
taken directly from my tee vee set

Not even Bob Costas making an obvious statement about gun violence was enough to goose Judge “Andy” Nap’s output any higher this week. At 31 posts, Judge Nap’s bluster was only slightly higher than last week’s tally. It’s still within the margin of error, however.

TO BE FAIR: Judge Nap was not the only Fox personality to jump on Bob Costas’ gun remarks during the week; He was just the most hypocritical. Let’s get right to this exciting episode of Judge Not:

‘Like’ if you think Bob Costas is entitled to his opinion. When talking about guns is outlawed, only outlaws will talk about guns.

No basis? Should Costas have talked about garotting instead?

What if there were no more hypothetical questions? Then Judge Nap would be left with nothing but hypocritical questions.

I’m screwed. I have neither guns, nor gold. I guess I’ll be Zombie bait instead. Me and Bob Costas.

What if the right to keep and bear arms only applied to the veterans?

What if the right to keep and bear arms only applied to the TSA?

Judge Andy thinks it’s fair game to compare President Woodrow Wilson with Adolph Hitler. The Daily Caller thinks the ‘pull quote’ is fair game for the headline. Judge Nap then feels it’s fair game to pass along the Daily Caller’s interview with his brain-dead followers. That’s how the circle of life works.

I bet there are cops who want to do away with the 4th Amendment and Miranda Rights, too. Cops can say what they like, just like Bob Costas. Just because some cops want this, doesn’t mean it will happen. Just like Bob Costas. Get a grip, Judge.

Yes, Judge, the unemployment figures are terrible. Worse however, are the statistics on income inequality. A recent article in The Atlantic says income equality is worse now than in 1774. Forbes, which is clearly in the tank for the Democratic Party, has a recent article called “How Income Inequality Is Damaging the U.S.” HuffPo has two articles filled with charts that you should also read, Judge Nap. Just the other day it published “5 Ways Rising Income Inequality Kills The American Dream,” while in 2011 it published “15 Facts About U.S. Income Inequality That Everybody Should Know.” I’m sorry, Judge Andy, what were you saying about unemployment again?

However, here’s a chart you should also take a look at, Judge Nap:

I’m sorry, Judge Andy. What were you saying about unemployment again?

I’ll believe it when I see it, just like all those other Conspiracy Theories you pass along, all of which have yet to come to fruition.

That won’t fit on a bumper sticker: Judge Andy is the star with which to steer the Ship of State, which is listing badly. The problem is that Forbes is 100% serious. Pay no attention to that iceberg dead ahead.

Once again: Do I have to explain to you how this works? Police can propose, but they don’t pass the laws.

Where’s your outrage, Judge Andy? Did Arizona just hire a mercenary army to fight the War on Drugs to fill the mercenary’s for-profit jail? Isn’t that just a minor Conflict of Interest?

I thought the Republicans wanted to take the country back . . . back to the ’50s . . . the 1850s. See what I did there?

Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap?

Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap? Telling ‘Merkins what they can and cannot do in their cars?  A man’s car is his castle. His castle on wheels.

Wall Street got bailed out, but not Main Street. Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap?

Of course we can forgive Judge Nap for promoting his book . . . over and over again. One day I may even get around to reading it. How long does it take for a book like this to end up on the remaindered table?

Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap?

I though politicians were sent to Washington to get laws passed. Compromise is necessary to get that done, Judge Nap. Drawing lines in the sand is a good tactic for a schoolyard bully. Ask your buddy Bully Boy Bolling ’bout that. However, here’s what everyone needs to know: When a Fox “News” personality is giving advice to Republicans, and it happens far more often than you would think appropriate, it’s just more proof that Fox “News” is not “Fair and Balanced.” Never has been. Never will be. Thanks for playing our home game, Judge Nap.

Those are the only two choices?

This is the 3rd time this week I caught Judge Andy scare-mongering this. It must be what keeps Judge Nap awake at nights, even though he knows better.

Judge Nap wrote an article in which he argued, essentially, that Republicans are for Big Government and Democrats are for Even Bigger Government. See what he did there? A pox on all their houses.

This story is nothing more than a run-of-the-mill divorce custody battle. Like many others of this kind, it has crossed international borders. Like some others it involves a ‘Merkin serviceman. However, Fox “News” is determined to turn this family matter into a national “news” story, and Judge Andy is happy to help.

Republicans only want a government big enough to handle a uterus.

One of the biggest Senate Teabaggers is leaving the Senate to become King of the Teabaggers. How will that work out? Why let’s ask Judge Andy. Heya, Judge. What does this mean for the GOP?

Wait!!! What??? Libertarians [which are really just Teabaggers with a fancier name and less overt racism] will rejoin the disgraced GOP, pushing it even further to the right? Pass the popcorn, Judge.

This is the last book promo I will allow this week, Judge Nap.

This is the last Jim DeMint promo I will allow this week, Judge Nap.

Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap?

Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap?

By the end of the week Bob Costas was just a memory for Judge Nap. He’s now been supplanted by Black Boxes, compiled text messages, and conspiracies of Big Government.

Here’s a quote for you, Judge Nap:

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Blessed are the cheesemakers.

Judge Not 7 ► This Week’s Libertarian Lie

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Unretouched pic of Judge Andy from my tee vee screen

Another week has passed, as has some more hot air from our favourite Libertarian, Judge “Andy” Andrew Napolitano, the resident Fox “News” Senior Judicial Analyst and Scaremonger.

I’m doing the best that I can, but once again Judge Nap fell down on his end of the bargain. I was only able to collect 27 posts from the Laughing Libertarian this week, which makes it that much harder to bring the Fox “News” Snark. However, it also makes it that much faster to compile Judge Not.

I need to take the good with the bad. So do you. Here’s this week’s Judge Not.

Taxation can only be theft or slavery? Those are our only choices, Judge? What about the price of living in a free country? Notice that this is how Judge Nap chooses to promote his own his book. This is not merely publisher’s publicity bumph. He really believes that shit.

I’d sign a petition to outlaw lies on so-called “news” networks like the one they have in Canada. Are you with me, Judge? Judge? Are you there? Whaddaya say? No more lies?

Because asking millionaires and billionares to chip in a little more is tantamount to theft or slavery. Right, Judge?

As we have discussed before, Judge Nap: facebook is a private company and can do what it wants. Mostly it reacts to user complaints and some faceless bureaucrat is forced to make a snap decision, some of which are just plain wrong. So, whaddaya wanna do about it, Judge?

An interesting question: Can parents violate the privacy rights of their own children? Judge Nap seems to think it’s boilerplate unconstitutional. I think it’s a question worth exploring.

Because we all know that President Obama is coming for your guns. Just ask Bully Boy Bolling.

Because a pledge to Grover Norquist is more important than his pledge to the Senate and/or his constituents.

One school district in FloriDuh has instituted a unique way to charge students for lunch. Judge Nap wants you to believe it’s the first step towards One World Government™. Next they will be installing RFID chips in newborns and in the upper arms of those who won’t willingly go off to the FEMA detention camps.

At the beginning of the week Judge Nap was calling this bill and end to our liberties and freedoms, even though the lawmaker who wrote it debunked that notion LAST WEEK. It’s not just that Judge Nap was wrong about this proposed law, but he was “fiery” wrong. The law that was passed was the EXACT opposite of what Judge Andy claimed.

Sometimes Fox “News” brings Judge Andy silly questions and he always seems willing to pick the low-hanging fruit.

Let’s start with education and prisons and then . . . Wait!!! What??? They already have? Never mind. 

This was debunked almost immediately. However, that didn’t stop Judge Nap from passing it along to his brain-dead followers. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if this gives Loofah Lad at Fox “News,” whose corporate parent hacked into a dead girl’s cell phone, a whole new idea for news gathering. No longer will The Falafel King have to send Jesse Watters out with a camera to follow and ambush people on vacation. He’ll just use the Fox “News” drone that Roger Ailes is buying.

Many of the secessionist comments I have read online were clearly racist. However, the general idea of Secession is not racist, just the sign of a sore loser. Are you a racist or a sore loser, Judge? Where do you stand?
Oh, Canada! Canada also has that dreaded Socialism of Universal Health Care. Now THAT’S Freedom!

Whatever happened to the right to be told the truth by a so-called “news” channel? Oh! That’s right! There is no right to the truth from a so called “news” station. Wanna start a petition with me, Judge Nap? We can model it after the Canadian law. Then we’ll do the same with Health Care. Whaddaya say, Judge Nap?

Let’s talk about drone strikes, Judge Nap. While I find them troubling, what would you do?

Wait!!! What??? Isn’t this the bill you were claiming at the beginning of the week would be the end of all of our rights and freedoms? However, it says the EXACT opposite of what you claimed, Judge Andy. Why is that?

A bit of return snark: Which freedom of yours has the government molested, Judge Nap? Name one.

By the end of the week Judge Andy is praising the bill he was against at the beginning of the week, even though his interpretation of the law was debunked by the lawmaker who wrote it last week. Way to flip flop, Judge Nap. Next Fox “News” will credit its opposition as having saved the day for Truth, Justice and the ‘Merkin Way™.

This is the opening line of a piece of poetry Judge Andy is working on. I can’t wait until it becomes a sentence.

Then shave your mustache; it makes you look like a ’80s porn star. Personally I think it’s HIGH-LARRY-US that Judge Andy identifies with a thoroughly dislikable sitcom character enough to pass along the stupid shit the character says.

Inflation anyone?

I guess that makes me a slave. I guess I have been a slave my entire life. Thanks for opening my eyes to my shackles, Judge Nap.

WE GET LETTERS: I was asked why the tallies in the early paragraphs of Judge Not do not match the posts below. It’s because I cull duplicates and those that are not snarkable (such as soldier’s suicides). Also to my OTHER correspondent: It’s not a conspiracy if I don’t use every one of Judge Andy’s posts. I may not even see all of his posts. I am not in front of my conputer 24 hours a day, even though it sometimes seems like it.

Don’t forget to join us next week for another exciting episode of Judge Not. Now, everybody
D A N C E ! ! !

Judge Not 6 ► This Week’s Pop Quiz

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“Give your tired, poor snark to the
huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

Each week, as my Judge Not series has grown in popularity, Judge Nap’s output has declined considerably.  I sure hope I have not been inhibiting him.

Judge Nap knows the only reason I spun him off into his own HIGH-LARRY-US sitcom/blog series was because he was so damned prolific. When compiling screen caps for The Fox “News” Spin Cycle, Judge Nap was the single most verbose Foxite, with more than 100 posts in one week, which was a third of the output of everyone else at the station combined. That’s why this Fox Snark Series™ seemed like a good idea. Comedy gold.

However, this week: just 22 measly captures, several of which were duplicates.

I’m warning you now, Judge Andy. If you won’t cooperate in matching the output of those earlier, happier, halcyon days of President Obama’s 1st term, EmTV will drop this series like a bad Glenn Beck Conspiracy Theory.

Yes. Next question.

How did they do that, Judge?

Secession is all the rage now that President Obama has been reelected. There are certainly a lot of sore losers.

President? Really?

Here’s the deal, Judge Nap: It’s not George Soro’s MoveOn and this is bullshit. Furthermore: you know it’s bullshit. Will you correct the record or are you content to leave the lie?

The lawmaker who wrote that bill says it was designed to do just the opposite.

Buy Judge Nap’s book and save ‘Merka.

Who cut the cheese? I’m surprised Judge Nap is still pushing this false narrative.

Kilemeade: “If this catches on, I want to get paid in zinc.”

Chief among them: Are there really that many sore losers in ‘Merka?

Reclaim? I hadn’t realized my right to buy books had been taken away. God given rights? Are you one of those who say the Constitution was divinely inspired, Judge? I’m not sure how you can square rational Libertarianism with belief in a Sky God.

I’d take away the Fox “News” White House Press Pass entirely, but that’s just me.

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

Get out your Number Two pencil and answer this one, Judge Nap. Which laws should rule supreme?
A. The various states which have relaxed marijuana laws?
B. The Feds, which classifies weed as a Class One Narcotic.
C. The United Nations, which has its own concerns about legalization?
D. None of the above?
E. All of the above?
Take your time.

The TSA is the agency everybody loves to hate. Get out your Number Two pencil and answer this one, Judge Nap. Essay question. What would you would replace it with? Take your time.

Get out your Number Two pencil and answer this one, Judge Nap. Explain in 25 words or less the difference between a police helicopter and a police drone. Take your time.

Get out your Number Two pencil and answer this one, Judge Nap. Is the Constitution divinely inspired? Bonus question: By which God?

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

What do you think about the subsidies taxpayers give to Wal*Mart workers in things like Health Care and Food Stamps because working at Wal*Mart doesn’t pay a livable wage?

Who cut the cheese? Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!! The extreme right and Libertarians want everyone to think social safety nets and Health Care reform is Socialism and the destruction of ‘Merka. Be afraid of the 47%!!! Be very afraid of the 47%!!!