Tag Archives: Christmas

A Pagan Pastoral Letter

The Winter Solstice Drum Circle

Other Chapters of Pastoral Letter
► Part One – Finding An Old Friend
► Pastor Kenny’s reply: The Gospel of John,
Chapter One: They Came in Twos

Merry Christmas and a Happy Yule, Pastor Kenny:

I’m not really a Pagan, but I got your attention, didn’t I? I don’t know who said it first, but the biggest difference between you and me is that I have rejected one more God than you have. Freedom of religion is also freedom from religion and I am proudly religion free.

However, if forced to choose a religion I would go with one that worships Mother Earth and Her children. My second choice? Pastafarianism because I love the headgear.

First apologies for taking so long to get back to you, Ken. It simply didn’t occur to me right away that you’d reply to me through a sermon from your pulpit. That realization took a few weeks. Then, once I found the written version online, I needed to understand it. Your response was wrapped in religious allegory and I’m not as steeped in religious allegory as you. That’s why I had to read it many times and why I listened to the audio version many more than that. I didn’t want to misinterpret it, which I probably have anyway.

Another reason for taking so long is that I realized it was your last
sermon from that church. Whether you were fired, or resigned, or came to
a mutual understanding with your church, is something I have no way of
knowing. However, your brave stand on LGBT issues almost certainly contributed to your leaving. I chose to respect a mourning period.

Then, because making excuses is so easy, I had other writing and
research to do, yadda, yadda, yadda . . . but here I am just in time for
the holiday, which seems incredibly appropriate. Is it Synchronicity? [More
about that later.]

I note you are now seeking your spirituality with a new church. Clearly, seeking spirituality has been a lifelong pursuit for each of us. To that end, Sunday night I went to my first Winter’s Solstice drum circle. Remember I mentioned my fascination with drum circles in my last letter? In another nice touch of synchronicity, it was exactly a year ago when I got hooked on the eternal drumbeat (which I wrote about in The 32nd Annual King Mango Strut. The 33rd Mango Strut is this week.).

The Winter Solstice Drum Circle is a massive dealie with hundreds of people who take over a small section of Hugh Taylor Birch State Park. Normally the park closes at sunset, which is pretty early this time of year. However, on the Winter Solstice the drum circle is allowed to bang away until 11PM. This huge, family-friendly event was both a delight and a distraction. Ken, I thought about you and this response during the drum circle, but I was not able to find spirituality inside the rhythm that night. It was just too crowded.

I suppose there was a time I found spirituality in a God, but it was
so long ago I no longer recall the feeling. I was a child, as willing to
believe in unicorns and fairies as Sky Dudes. I don’t mean to be
insulting, Ken, but we’re both old men now and we can be blunt with each
other because we’ve been friends since 1957. As Rob Hampton says in
the Study Guide to your sermon:

Since Jesus doesn’t focus on the sin of the people He calls, we can be free to be ourselves in His presence.

In other words, Pastor Kenny: I gotta be me . . . for better or worse. I’m hoping you’ll see this Pagan Pastoral Letter as better. If nothing else it will test your capacity for forgiveness.

Where was I? Oh, yeah: As I entered adulthood and became a writer, I started to require proof
for things. Unicorns and fairies fell off my list of things to believe
in. However, for a belief in God, I was still willing to accept proof. I
hadn’t rejected Her the way I had unicorns and fairies. That’s why in
my early adulthood I called myself an Agnostic. I used to tell people
that if God were to show up, I’d invite Him in for coffee because I had
a lot of questions. But, until then, I was going to reserve judgement.
Take it under advisement. Give in to the benefit of the doubt. Suspend disbelief.

As I got older this door I left open a crack slowly drifted closed as refreshing breezes filtered through the belief system in my attic, or my empty head.
Take your pick. I remember in my late 20s consciously deciding that
being Agnostic was the coward’s way out. I was leaving myself a loophole in
case God did show up at my door. That way He wouldn’t strike me dead with lightening
bolts for rejecting Her. That’s when I started to check the Atheist box and, quite frankly, never looked back.

I am
reminded of the W.C. Fields story when he was found reading The Bible
while waiting off-camera for the next scene. A friend couldn’t believe
it. Atheist Fields reading a Bible? Why? He replied in that drawl that only
Fields had, “Ah, yes! Looking for loopholes.” I no longer needed a loophole.

Let me be clear about a belief in God, any God: There have been many times in my life that I was sorry I didn’t belong to a religion, that I didn’t have a God to fall back upon. How nice it must be, when the gale forces of the world are blowing against life, to find peace and serenity by believing in something bigger than oneself. That whole “confession/forgiveness” dealie of some religions is just the icing on the cake. No matter what you’ve done wrong, all you have to do is confess and do the penance. Suddenly your ticket to heaven is stamped GOOD TO GO all over again. Atheist me? I just feel guilty about things until the feeling passes or I feel I’ve atoned in a real, tangible way for my screw ups.

Anyway, I wasn’t an evangelical Atheist like Richard Dawkins, nor a showbiz Atheist like Bill Maher.
I have always believed a person’s relationship with their God, or lack thereof, is a
personal matter best kept to oneself. Which is why writing about this has been more difficult than I thought it would be when I begain.

Now, keep in mind, Kenny, I was
still living in Canada. People in Canada are far more reserved about
expressing their religious views. It’s not that they are any less deeply
held. It’s just the Canadian way to be more reserved about everything.
So, I was quite shocked when I returned to the States 9 years ago and
saw so much religious proselytizing that it even extended to the bumpers of cars.

I became aware of the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas and everything changed for me. There’s an entire history on the innertubes of my writing about Fox “News” mendacity so I won’t bore you with all of that, Pastor
Kenny. However, when I first got back down here, I couldn’t believe the crap that Bill O’Reilly
was selling about there being a War on Christmas. Year after year that fatuous asshole has proclaimed there’s a
War on Christmas. Hell, the last 2 years running he’s claimed that he
single-handedly defeated the dark forces who would ban Christmas from ‘Merkin life. You can only win a war once, Bill O.

That’s when I consciously chose to be an Atheist who speaks out about the extreme contradictions in religion. It turned out, once I started to examine my feelings closely, I realized I actually resented a lifetime of being forced to participate in a religious holiday I didn’t believe
in — have never believed in — even when I believed in God.

IRONY ALERT: Until Bill O’Reilly brought it up, I never gave it a second thought when someone would wish me Merry Christmas. It was just what people said at this time of year and I accepted it in the spirit it was intended. But that was BO, Before O’Reilly. Now I’m deeply offended when someone who doesn’t know me wishes me a Merry Christmas, but not nearly as much as I resent it when people who know me do it.

Why is this the default position? Why do people automatically assume I’m part of their Christ Club?
I came to recognize it’s the same resentment that I have when White people say
racist crap to me assuming I belong to the same White Skin Club they’ve
paid a lifetime of dues into. That’s White Privilege personified. Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, regardless of what they may believe, is Christian Privilege.

Why would people like Bill O’Reilly get their Christmas stockings in a twist if people use the more inclusive “Happy Holiday”?
Even an Atheist like myself can get behind that because New Year’s is a holiday I

It’s taken a lifetime, living under this dominant religion, for my resentment to build to this heat. Let me share some of that with you, Ken. Growing up I was forced to sing Christmas Carols in school, just like everybody else. Never once did we ever sing about a dreidel. For a
solid month radio stations feature Christmas music, but nothing about the
many days of Hanukkah. Stores are decorated for this holiday as if a
wartime prohibition on lights and glitter has suddenly been lifted.
This year people are enormously proud that their Christmas decorations can be seen from space. Is this the reason for the season? Or, is it keeping up with the Joneses? To my mind it’s breaking the Commandment against idolatry.

I never talked about this with you, but I can say with confidence that you were never called a Kike, a dirty Jew, a Christ Killer while growing up. Once I had a kid once look at me very closely. When I asked him what he was
looking at, he said, “I don’t see any horns.” He was serious. He thought Jews had horns. Where the hell do people learn things like that, because it’s sure not in any Bible I’ve ever read? 

can only imagine the chagrin my parents felt when I came home singing
“This Little Light of Mine,” a song I didn’t even know had religious
connotations until years later. It’s a simply, catchy tune and kids love
simple, catchy tunes. Maybe that’s why singing in church took hold.
Song is a great way to distribute propaganda.

In fact, Pastor
Kenny, I’ve become far more cynical about Christmas since returning the
States, where it is celebrated as if it’s an Olympic event. This is supposedly the birthday of the Savior, yet the holiday itself is being used to divide people. The Bill O’Reillys of the world use religion to attack others, while portraying themselves as the victims. In the
words of Gandhi, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.
Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

While on the topic, the commercialization of Christmas is something that I simply find amusing. It’s almost as if more people believe in Santa Claus than they do Jesus Christ. In the ’60s evangelists in this country burned Beatles’ records because John Lennon said:

Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue about that; I’m right and I’ll be proved right. We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first—rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.

I agree with Lennon; I’m just more sarcastically cynical. All of this preamble is to explain why I created a hashtag for times when (I believe) people have taken the Lord’s name in vain. When I am
truly exasperated by crazy, evangelical MoFos I share their blathering on social media with #WhoWouldJeusBitchSlap? appended. To my extreme disappointment this hashtag has yet to go viral. Maybe one day. Feel free to use it.

A Letter to My Congregation: An Evangelical
Pastor’s Path to Embracing People Who Are Gay,
Lesbian, and Transgender into the Company of
, by Ken Wilson, is available at Amazon,
but order it from your local bookseller instead.

I know it seems like I’m rambling, but what a difference a month makes. Last month I was thrilled to learn of your book (which, I confess, I have yet to read) and that you were the Senior and Founding Pastor of one of the first churches in the country to be accepting of the LGBT community. Acceptance is miles farther along the path to Humanism than mere tolerance.

Imagine my disappointment when I learned, from your sermon no less, that you are no longer Senior Pastor of that church. I guess they were not as accepting as I thought. Hell, I guess they weren’t as accepting as you thought. Or, as accepting as Jesus.

One positive element religions provide is a grand capacity for forgiveness, something else I wish I had. I’m sure you’ve already forgiven your former-church for kicking you to the curb after 40 years of dedicated service. I haven’t yet. Forgive me if I’ve yet to forgive them because they are discriminating — in the name of God — against my family and friends who are part of the great LGBT rainbow. I’m certain I have family and friends who are LGBT that I don’t even know about. Nor is it any of my business. Nor is it important. What’s important is what kind of person they are and their capacity to love, not the person they’ve chosen to love.

I felt a weird kind of frisson to know you replied to me from the pulpit and that it was the last time you would address that congregation in that church. Weirder still is that your reply seems to imply that I you believe I was sent by Jesus to help you bring about a religious revival. [Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, on any of this.]

Don’t get me wrong. I was honoured, sorta, that you would speak through me to God, or through God to me. Or through God to you, and then to me. Or, you to God and then me. [How does all of this work?] Several of your descriptions of “pairs” resonated with me, as if you were describing us:

[…] Jesus sees something in Nathaniel that maybe he didn’t see in himself until Jesus named it. Maybe Nathaniel was the ignored kid in school, the one no Rabbi would call to be his dis iple [sic], because he didn’t have much promise. Maybe Nathaniel half believed that about himself but didn’t buy it fully.

Jesus comes along and names the thing about Nathaniel that Nathaniel most wants to be, a true Israelite in whom there is no guile. And when Jesus speaks it, Nathaniel says, “Yes, Lord!”

Don’t be afraid to be seen by Jesus through-through. We harbor these feelings that maybe we are special. We’re afraid, though, to name it. Afraid that it’s just ego, or that we’re just fooling ourselves. Jesus knows what that thing is in each of us. And when he names it there’s no denying it.


We end with an allusion to Jacob who became Israel. Jacob on the run after really getting his brother Esau angry. Jacob going into exile. Like Israel centuries later would be driven into exile.

Exhausted, weak, out of gas, Jacob lay down in a field, his head on a stone for a pillow, fast asleep. And saw in a dream, heaven open and a ladder come down and the angels ascending and descending. And promises of blessing were made to him in his weakness.  And when he awoke he said, “Surely God is in this place and I did not know it.” And he was afraid and said, “How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God and the gate of heaven.”

All these pairs, John the Baptist-Jesus, Andrew-Peter, Philip-Nathaniel, Jacob-Esau. But over them all, God. And among them and between them, God.

Serving a great revival underway. 

More synchronicity, Ken. I am currently serializing Farce Au Pain at the Not Now Silly Newsroom. Within the electrons you may recognize Zachary’s house as the one you grew up in and Adrian’s house as mine. Still further synchronicity: Chapter Two starts off with a list of duos, which could be called pairs, if you squint.

This is as good a time for my definition of synchronicity, cribbed from one of my earlier posts:

Think of your own personal synchronicity as a blanket you are shaking
rhythmically up and down. The sine waves created by the blanket is a two
dimensional representation of your synchronicity in a 3-Dimensional
space. However, everyone knows that synchronicity works in the 6th
Dimension, where it interacts with the ‘waving blankets’ belonging to
everyone else. Where these waves collide are where the EXACT moments and
locations the FSM
has stitched together Space and Time and Gravity and Dimensionality and
Predestination. If, as they contend in Quantuum Mechanics or String
Theory or Whatever They’re Calling It These Days™, all choices are
possible in the Alternative Universes that exist, then the chances
of anything so improbable can be proven possible by multiplying boiling
water with pasta and adding sauce.

While tongue in cheek, it’s not far off what I believe about random chance, like that which allowed us to find each other after 40 years of radio silence.

Ken, if you and Jesus expect me to take part in a great religious revival, I have to be honest with you both: This heathen is not be up to the challenge if it requires a belief in a Supreme Being. That’s simply not happening. I’m more inclined to test your religious faith than you instilling any in in me.

When you delivered your sermon I was disappointed you skipped over a small portion of my email when witnessing to your church. That’s because it was the most important part of my email, in my mind anyway. It becomes that much more important now that you’ve been pushed out of your church.

I have a hard time squaring that [your total acceptance of the LGBT communities] with the evangelicals I am
always reading about. I know the squeaky wheel gets the ink, but I keep reading
of evangelical hate for various factions of folk in this world, whether it’s
The Gay, or the poor, or people of colour, or immigrants both documented and
un. While the religion preaches love, there’s a whole lot of hate expressed
quite openly. One shudders to think of what might be said in private.

That paragraph encapsulates my overarching feeling about organized religion. Religious texts seem to preach something entirely different than the organized religions that profess to follow them. Using the Bible people find their justification for hate and discrimination. Your Third Way is simply a new interpretation of the very same words. That you found justification for treating LGBT folk with dignity is admirable, but how can you be any more certain that your interpretation is any closer to the truth? And, don’t even get me started on lobster and shrimp.

I do want to sincerely wish you a Merry Christmas, Pastor Kenny. I hope Santa brought you everything that you and your family wished for all year. More importantly, I hope your religious prayers are answered.

Before I sign off, it occurs to me that I don’t really know what you believe. That you believe in God is a given. That you believe in Jesus as the Son of God is also a given. Beyond that I can only guess.

Do you believe that Jesus’ birthday is December 25th or are you willing to accept the proposition that, no matter when His birth actually occurred, it was moved to be closer to Winter Solstice in order to co-opt the Pagan holiday celebrated for millennia Before Christ? Do you even believe there were millennia BC?

Geez, look at that. Even our date numbering system
is based upon your religion, even though experts think it’s off by as
many as 6 years. Jews are living in their year of 5775, but how much farther back does time go?

I hope you’ve taken no insult in anything I’ve said, Ken. In all honesty I am thrilled to have found you and would be sad if I were to lose you again, especially if I pushed you away. For many years I have lamented privately that my event horizon for friendships goes back no further than the day I moved to Canada. Soon after I moved to Florida 9 years ago I received an email from one of my sons. He had been contacted by Jeff Deeks — do you remember him? — looking for me. I used the email and phone number he provided many times, but Jeff never replied or called back. And, I didn’t even attack his religion like I have yours. I do hope you reply and we can continue this dialogue as far as it takes us.

Lastly, in your writings you use the word “gospel” a lot. Not meaning to be patronizing, you may be gratified to know that Gospel music is a favourite genre. While I must have been aware of Gospel prior to this, but I clearly remember when Deeks introduced me to it. He took me on a bit of a mystery tour downtown by DSR, refusing to tell me where we were going. Eventually he led me to a Black church he had read about in a newspaper. We were the only two White faces in the pews as we listened to Aretha Franklin singing Gospel in her daddy’s church.

As I like to say, “I don’t know Jesus, but I sure like his music.” That’s why I’m going out on my absolute favourite Gospel tune:


With all my love and affection,

your childhood friend,

Marc Slootsky

Headlines Du Jour ► Friday, December 13, 2013

It’s Friday the 13th and the Not Now Silly news interns have been toiling all night long in the darkest recesses of the internet, collecting only the must scrumptious headlines for your reading pleasure. So, here are today’s unlucky Headlines Du Jour.


U.S. Charity Revealed As Buyer
Of Hopi Masks, Promises To
Return Artifacts To Tribe


George Clooney Addresses Gay Rumors In The Best Way Possible


Arizona detective quits after learning she’s
been living in the U.S. illegally since childhood


Virginia GOP senatorial candidate: Desegregation
‘was the beginning of the decline’ for schools

Volunteer fire chief resigns over shockingly offensive Facebook posts, but denies he’s racist


Startup CEO Wishes Homeless ‘Degenerates’ Would
Stop Ruining ‘The Civilized Part’ Of San Francisco


We Found This 20-Year-Old T-Shirt In Kenya. The Internet Found The Original Owner


Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade
Mocks Nelson Mandela Sign
Language Interpreter

Other ‘Verifiable Facts’ for Fox to Investigate
About Your Favorite Christmas Characters


Megyn Kelly Wants Kids At Home To Know That Jesus And Santa Were White

What Megyn Kelly’s White Santa Says About Power Dynamics In Journalism

The (Race) War on Christmas: Megyn Kelly Declares ‘Santa Claus Just Is White’ and So Was Jesus


Rachel Maddow: GOP in shambles as internal war goes public

GOP Planning on Tighter Control Over 2016
Primaries: Fewer Debates, Better Moderators


For Budget Deal, Paul Ryan Called the Jesus of the Republican Party


Texas man who lost wife and daughter to rich kid drunk driver fuming over sentence


Rob Ford: Daniel Dale tells us why he’s taking legal action
I am serving the mayor of Toronto with a libel notice. Here’s why.

Rob Ford: Daniel Dale files libel notice against Toronto mayor
Toronto Star reporter Daniel Dale has served a libel notice against Mayor Rob Ford and Vision
TV in connection with comments Ford made on Conrad Black’s television show The Zoomer.


The woolly jumper flashmob that became a YouTube hit
Loes Veenstra spent 50 years knitting woolly jumpers on her home street in
Rotterdam only to pack them away, never to be worn. Surely she and they
deserved better? Enter one very colourful (and toasty) flashmob



Headlines Du Jour is a leisure-time activity of National Trufax, a wholly owned and operated subsidiary of Not Now Silly,
home of the Steam-Powered Word-0-Matic and your rest stop on the Information Highway. Use
our valuable bandwidth to post your news comments in today’s open

Headlines Du Jour ► Thursday, December 12, 2013

While you were sleeping the Now Now Silly news team was wandering up and down, back and forth, throughout the entire internet to gather nothing but the best in headlines. Only when they return are they finally fed their one meal a day. But don’t be concerned for them because it’s time for today’s Headlines Du Jour.


It Takes A McDonald’s Worker 4 Months
To Earn What The CEO Gets In An Hour


Hindus join Satanists demanding equal placement on Oklahoma capitol grounds


Rupert Murdoch Called
‘Evil’ In His Own Newspaper


Megyn Kelly Ignores Guest’s Depiction
Of Danish PM As “Danish Pastry”

Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade tells general:
Iraq was a ‘great place’ until U.S. left


Christmas is a Pagan Holiday – Get Over it Already

6 conspiracy theories about the imaginary war on Christmas

Satanists & Atheists Vie For Space In Florida Capitol


Cops killed Harlem man after they mistook friendly Taser fire for knife stab: lawsuit


GOP Plan to “Punish” Democrats Is Probably the Stupidest Thing You’ve Ever Heard Of

Republicans’ self-hatred swells: The GOP vs. its own base


Sci-fi pilot ’12 Monkeys’ filming in Detroit,
will get $1.5M in state incentives

What Should Be Done About Detroit? A Gawker Internal Debate


Denver legalizes marijuana for use on private property

Uruguay legalizing marijuana breaks
drug control treaty, says watchdog

Study finds no link between teen
pot use and schizophrenia risk


Daniel Dale: Rob Ford is lying about me, and it’s vile
Literally every single thing Mayor Rob Ford told Conrad Black about
my conduct on May 2, 2012 is false in some way. Let’s go lie by lie.


DVD Review: Mock songs give life to ‘The Rutles’



Headlines Du Jour is a leisure-time activity of National Trufax, a wholly owned and operated subsidiary of Not Now Silly,
home of the Steam-Powered Word-0-Matic and your rest stop on the Information Highway. Use
our valuable bandwidth to post your news comments in today’s open

Headlines Du Jour ► Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The daily collecting of Headlines Du Jour is a tricky thing. Not Now Silly sends its interns and parolees out into the innertubes, each provisioned with scissors and a wicker basket. They carefully cut out the headlines and place them respectfully into the basket. Only when their basket is full are they allowed to return for food and water. Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s get right to today’s Headlines Du Jour.



At Least 194 Children Have Been Shot to Death Since Newtown.

Police: Three Year-Old Shot Himself In The
Head After Parents Left Gun On Kitchen Counter

6 police officers injured, 2 suspects killed in shootings


NAACP calls for probe of ‘harassment’
by Miami Gardens police


9 Stupid Myths About Bisexuals
That Will Make You Laugh


Republican Candidate Says You Have to
Talk to Women on an Emotional Level

John McCain reacts to Obama’s Castro
handshake: ‘Chamberlain shook hands with Hitler’

North Carolina Republican’s DWI and drug
possession arrest is his fourth in office


Fischer: Pot Should Be
Illegal Because Its Use
Violates Biblical Teaching

Creationist home school curriculum isn’t just inaccurate — it’s really, really dumb

What the New Atheists Get Very Wrong About Religion


Police Called To Home To Break Up Family
Fight Over Decorating Of Christmas Tree

Fox News host flips over atheist holiday display:
‘Baby Jesus is behind the Festivus pole!’


Fox News Wonders If
Castro Friend Nelson
Mandela Would Have Hated
Obama’s Castro Handshake

Megyn Kelly to Leno:
Ask Karl Rove if I’m
‘This Conservative Operative’

Anti-LGBT baker tells Fox News that Jesus ‘wants me’ to deny cakes to gay couples

Fox Allows Anti-Obamacare Guest To Hide Koch Funding

Elisabeth Hasslebeck Endorses Anti-Gay Discrimination
Because Religious Freedom And Free Enterprise!


O’Reilly Goes Ballistic Over Denver Post Hiring Pot Editor: They’re ‘Promoting Intoxication!’

Bill O’Reilly Freaks Out
About Denver Post Pot Editor


O’Reilly to Rove: GOP Lacks Real Leader,
Any Strong Alternative to Obamacare


Rob Ford should apologize to
Star reporter, says deputy

Rob Ford suggests Bill Blair’s investigation of him was retribution for proposed budget cuts

Conrad Black out-Mansbridges Mansbridge

Rob Ford, Conrad Black and the death of decency

Rob Ford saga biggest Canadian story in U.S. this century


Simulations back up theory that Universe is a hologram
A ten-dimensional theory of gravity makes the same predictions as standard quantum physics in fewer dimensions.


Headlines Du Jour is a leisure-time activity of National Trufax, a wholly owned and operated subsidiary of Not Now Silly,
home of the Steam-Powered Word-0-Matic and your rest stop on the Information Highway. Use
our valuable bandwidth to post your news comments in today’s open

Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 34

This week’s Fox “News” Spin Cycle is similar to last week‘s in that it’s dedicated to guns, guns, and more guns because that was virtually the only news this week that was deemed interesting enough for Fox “News”to report on.

The steady drip, drip, drip on Fox in support of Gun Rights Nuts, unthinking Libertarians, and Second Amendment Advocates becomes almost like poetry, or a steady refrain. I’m sure I’ve heard it somewhere before. I can name that tune in 3 notes.

Let’s get right to it:

There was once a time — and not all that long ago — when I could count on beginning my week with a leggy cheesecake pic from Ainsley Earworm. Sadly, she got married recently and (I presume her husband made her) stopped sending out that morning cheesecake.
There was once a time — and not all that long ago — when I could count on beginning my week with a leggy cheesecake pic from Bully Boy Bolling — ACK! I was having a nightmare. I’m glad I woke up.
I say, “Bring it on!” As bad as the House GOP looks now, this will only make them look worse.
The so-called “tax increases” that Fox “News” is trying to get its brain-dead audience to believe is actually the expiration of the payroll tax holiday. President Obama wanted to keep the payroll tax cut, but the GOP said “No.” Taxpayers can blame John Boehner & Eric Cantor.
Fox “News” is now reporting on every incident in which a person has used a gun in self-defense. Happiness is a warm gun.
Izzat a religious joke?

Next time you’re watching Steve Doocy, mute the sound. He looks like like every amiable dipsomaniac you’ve ever met. Amiright?

This is the year scientists will succeed in cloning the perfect female Fox “News” personality: all legs, teeth and blonde hair.
And, so far, not a single one of them has shown signs of intelligent life, especially among Fox “News” viewers.
Fox “News” is blowing a gasket because a newspaper used the Freedom of Information Act to show where gun owners live. Happiness is a warm gun.
Al Gore is another Fox “News” Nemesis™ and the fact that he sold Current TV to Al Jazeera has been a never-ending source of amusement.

Think Progress will tell you what Fox “News” will never tell you:

Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal owns a 7 percent stake in News Corp — the parent company of Fox News — making him the largest shareholder outside the family of News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch.

Something else Fox “News” won’t tell you: Among serious journalists Al Jazeera is considered far more “Far and Balanced” than Fox “News,” which everybody (except its brain-dead viewers) knows is not really “Fair and Balanced” at all.

If only Fox “News” were a Beck-free Zone. That almost happened. Sadly, after Fox “News” fired The Beckerhead, Loofah Lad started inviting him back on the air.
‘Merkin culture started its decline when Married With Children went on the air. OH! Wait!!! That was a Fox show, wasn’t it? Never mind.
Once again Fox “News” is trying to make trouble by singing Tevye’s signature song from Fiddler on the Roof:

VIDEO: The Lego version of “Tradition”

That 200+ year tradition that President Obama is going against? Only men have ever given the invocation. At President Obama’s 2nd swearing-in Myrlie Evers-Williams will deliver the invocation. She’s the widow of Medgar Evers, the Civil Rights leader gunned down 50 years ago.

In fact President Obama is breaking two traditions: It’s the first time a woman has given the invocation and the first time a layperson has delivered it.

I have a Falafel addiction that I can only keep under control by a well-placed loofah. Is there any help for me?
I tune in to Fox “News” to get all my Blind Sheikh news. Fox “News” is the only “Fair and Balanced” station brave enough to have a Blind Sheikh Assignment Desk, manned 24-hours a day, 7 days a week, in case there’s any BREAKING BLIND SHEIKH NEWS.
IRONY ALERT: Taking responsibility is something that Fox “News” could learn about.
Of course it did. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Here’s a lesson from Fox “News” Shit Disturbing & Deception 101. The lesson begins with Fox “News” sending out this simple headline, with no other information, attributed to Bloomberg: TEXAS SHOWS UP OBAMA. However, it’s fully divorced from the truth. Fox “News” knows full well that only a miniscule number of its brain-dead followers will ‘click through’ to read the story. However, if you did click thru’ on the link, this is what you would find:

You’re not taken to the Bloomberg site. You’re on the Fox “News” web site. And, once again, Fox “News” uses the same headline TEXAS SHOWS UP OBAMA, still attributed to Bloomberg.

Once again Fox “News” hopes that this would be enough for the miniscule number of brain-dead viewers who clicked through. However, see that “READ MORE AT BLOOMBERG.COM” link? Fox “News” is further counting on only a miniscule number — of the miniscule number of its brain-dead audience that already got this far — NOT to click on that link.

However, if you did click on the link, this is what you would find:

Why there’s nothing at all about President Obama in the Bloomberg headline. In fact, there is not a single fucking word about President Obama in the entire Bloomberg article [of which the above screenshot is an excerpt]. This is another instance of Fox “News” just making shit up.

It’s just another example of why Fox “News” is not “Fair and Balanced.” Never has been. Never will be.

Zakly!!! The same way that Loofah Lad’s constant vilification of Dr. Tiller removed his brain-dead audiencefrom reality, from their feelings, from their capacity to be empathetic and heroic and courageous and Dr. Tiller paid the price for it — with his lifelater on.
Worst Ed Sullivan impression ever!!!
Of course the only “high profile liberals” he could find agreed with him.
There is NO EVIDENCE that a union worker did this. It remains under investigation. However, Fox “News” knows who is responsible and is not afraid to say so.
It’s time to boycott Wendy’s.
The only thing brilliant about Adam Carolla is how he carved a seat on the Loofah Lad Hour out of not being funny, just like that other not-funny, so-called comedian Dennis Miller, who also appears regularly with The Falafel King.
Dog whistle. Tweet tweet.
Bully Boy Bolling finds a way to smear Mexicans and drug legalization while declaring that “Happiness is a warm gun.”

It must be noted for the record: There has not been a single gun control law passed yet. You’re just scare-mongering, Bully Boy. Why not wait until there’s actually something to complain about? Remember: Happiness is a warm gun and you have plenty.

Far more shocking to astronomers is the discovery that all of the Fox “News” brain-dead viewers live on this Zombie planet.
But . . . but . . . but . . . he hasn’t announced anything yet. With all due respect, Bully Boy, I think you’re jumping the gun. [See what I did there?]
Now that I’ve demonstrated [above] how Fox “News” just makes up headlines that are divorced from reality, would it surprise you to find out that Governor Chris Christie didn’t “crush” Matt Lauer?

Although, to be fair, Chris Christie could crush just about anybody except Rush Limbaugh.

No, that’s not what’s happening either. Just making shit up again.
Oliver North, who really should be in jail, uses his perch at Fox “News” to promote his own projects. This is his latest book. However, more recently he was promoting his tour of The Holy Land.
Al Gore — the Vice President Fox “News” loves to hate* — pegged Geraldo perfectly in the story that Rivera tells The Falafel King. They laughed at Al Gore, but the joke is on Fox “News.”

* Not counting current Vice President Joe Biden

Somehow the Nixon Library seems appropriate. While Nixon escaped jail due to a pardon, North escaped jail on a technicality. However, that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t technically guilty of perverting the Constitution, just like Richard Nixon. Yet he’s a Right Wing hero. What’s up with that?
When Veep Biden shot his mouth off [see what I did there?] it sent all the Second Amendment Originalists, along with Fox “News” and the NRA, into a giant tizzy from which they have yet to recover. Luckily happiness is a warm gun.
Dog whistle!!! Tweet tweet!!!
Scammity’s angry. He already knows that Liberals will shred the Constitution and happiness is a warm gun.
When Dubya was issuing Executive Orders to say he would not adhere to certain laws that were legally constituted, and that included his signature, Fox “News” was silent. What’s different now? Oh yeah, the Black guy in the White House and the fact that happiness is a warm gun.
I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric “Happiness is a Warm Gun” Bolling.
As stupid as this act was, it’s still considered protected speech. Remember the Constitution?
Oh, fer fuck’s sake!!!

‘Merka’s professional victim cries “Wah, wah, wah, all the way home.”To paraphrase Ben Shapiro, who has been all over the tee vee tube in the past few weeks: “Happiness is a warm gun.

BREAKING NEWS: I read on a single blog this week (which means I have no confirmation as yet) that the question I have been asking has been answered: Fox “News” has not renewed Sarah Palin’s contract. What’s a Wasilla grifter to do?

In the mean time, I’m loving Sister Sarah’s salutation of “Don’t retreat, friends.” This proves Mama Grizzly is capable of learning, even if she’s not capable of having made a mistake. Remember when she signed off with “Don’t retreat, reload”? Remember how before Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot Sister Sarah sent out the following? Remember how Sarah Palin refused to apologize for the imagery both before and after Gabby Giffords was shot in the head?

No? Here’s a reminder:

One of those gun sights represents Gabby Giffords district. Happiness is a warm gun.

Happiness is a warm gun.
Any time Fox “News” can criticize MSNBC, it will. Anytime Mediate can make Fox “News” look moderate, it will. It’s win/win.
Can we send Bully Boy Bolling to the edge of space . . . and leave him there?
By next week Fox “News” will be agitating for a statue to be built for this young man. Happiness is a warm gun.
Is that really something your proud of?
Finally we learn the Foxy Friends on Fox and Friends natural demographic audience.
By next week Fox “News” will be agitating for a statue to be built for this Georgian Mother. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
It was very awkward when the NRA’s press conference on its meeting with Vice President Joe Biden on gun violence was interrupted by another school shooting. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric “Happiness is a Warm Gun” Bolling.

Oddly enough, Fox “News” is only getting one side’s interpretation of what was said behind closed doors, but that’s okay because happiness is a warm gun. 
Because happiness is a warm gun.

OOOOPS! Sorry! It’s become reflexive.

Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Well, yeah. That’s factual. And, while many people will find this offensive, it’s protected speech. See: First Amendment.

Why do the advocates of a strong Second Amendment always seem to forget the First Amendment?

Happiness is a warm gun.

Remember back in the ’60s and early ’70s when you could pick up Mao’s Little Red Book in any Chinatown? Without realizing it — or meaning to — Piers Morgan summed up the ‘Merkin fetishization of the Constitution. Maybe they should start printing them up in book form.

What??? They already do?

Well, then maybe they should be issued to every ‘Merkin at birth, along with vouchers for school and vouchers for abortions, and a government mandated bill to pay off a for-profit Health Care system.

You mean this giant watermelon can fly??? Happiness is a warm gun!!!

Oh, sorry. I got excited.

I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric “Happiness is a Warm Gun” Bolling.

By next week this Georgian mother will have a parade in her honour right in front of Fox “News,” if it has anything to say about it. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
When hammers are outlaws, only outlaws will have hammers.

Happiness is a warm gun.

When this “news” reached Bully Boy Bolling’s desk, it gave him a 4-hour erection, for which he had to consult his doctor. But don’t worry, Bully Boy: Happiness is a warm gun.
Loofah Lad wants to make sure his brain-dead audience knows of the tiff over at MSNBC [see above] because it’s so damned important.
But, Geraldo! Doncha know that happiness is a warm gun?
IRONY ALERT: As Think Progress reports:

When 20 children and 6 adults were gunned down in Sandy Hook Elementary School exactly one month ago today, the National Rifle Association rushed to blame video games, not guns, for inspiring such mass murders. But the gun lobby seemingly lost sight of its target in the past weeks, and over the weekend released a shooting app, called “NRA: Practice Range.”

The app bills itself as a “network of news, laws, facts, knowledge, safety tips, educational materials and online resource.” The NRA reports that it “[i]nstills safe and responsible ownership through fun challenges and realistic simulations.”

The (alleged) dipsomaniac is now reviewing movies with torture in it. This was also a movie that Steve Doochey [sic] as one of the Three Stooges on the Curvy Couch used to bash President Obama when they claimed, many times and without evidence every time, that Classified Information was given to the director. Now it’s “terrific.”
It would be a cheap shot to say that Bully Boy Bolling gets everything exactly upside down.

However, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that Bully Boy Bolling gets everything exactly upside down again.

Happiness is a warm gun.

Fox “News” only creates graphics like the above for VERY IMPORTANT STORIES.

This is just another way to attack Al Gore. You can tell it’s inaccurate because it’s a Breitbartian story. However, Fox “News” is only (helpfully) passing it along. It has plausible deniability.

And, that’s when I lost my temper. Read all about it at The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest in my occasional series that makes fun of Bully Boy Bolling. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
IRONY ALERT: “Freedom” is Bully Boy Bolling’s dog. Does Bully Boy Bolling put “Freedom” on a leash when he walks the dog? [h/t Zak Nilsson]
Vulnerable? Why would that be? Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.

Pass the popcorn.

Happiness is a warm cannon.
A totally innocuous message from Bully Boy Bolling. The best reaction to it was this one, which echoes my own:
The only preparation Bully Boy Bolling needs is to grease his ass, to make it easier to pull his facts out of.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm Duchess.

Happiness is a warm gun.

They’re never too young to learn.

They’re never too young to learn about assassination, either. Gather ’round, kiddies. There once was a man named John Lennon who played music that delighted the entire world. He was the one who wrote a song called “Happiness is a Warm Gun.” He was assassinated with a gun before he had a chance to play all the music that was in him. Happiness is a warm gun, indeed. Bang, bang, shoot, shoot.

She’s not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do, oh, yeah

She’s well acquainted
With the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the
Multicolored mirrors on his hobnail boots

Lying with his eyes
While his hands are busy working overtime
A soap impression of his wife
Which he ate and donated to the National Trust

I need a fix ?cause I’m going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix ?cause I’m going down

Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun mama
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
When I hold you in my arms
(Oh yeah)
And I feel my finger on your trigger
(Ooo, oh yeah)
I know nobody can do me no harm
(Ooo, oh yeah)

Because happiness is a warm gun mama
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun
(Happiness, bang bang, shoot shoot)
Well, don’t you know that happiness is a warm gun mama
(Happiness is a warm gun yeah)

The Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 33

Guns, welfare, the fiscal cliff, Speaker John Boehner. These were just some of the topics Fox “News” was forced to WHITEwash as 2012 turned into 2013 before our very eyes.

The transition between years seemed a good time to gather the Fox “News” Spin Cycle team and re-administer the FNSC oath. Those who refused were fired on the spot and reported to the Department of Homeland Security. I’m not fooling around anymore.

This is what they all promised to do for my dear readers:

I hereby swear I will do everything in my power to make fun of Fox “News” until my last breath and that no joke, or smear is too low, so help me Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Now, let’s get right to this week’s Fantasia of Fox Fun™:

That’s only because Mitt Romney is eminently mockable, Falafel King. Mitt Romney will be a political punchline for decades to come. The sooner the GOP realizes this, the more comfortable they will become. Soon he will barely be mentioned by the GOP, just like Dubya during the last 4 years.

It’s wasn’t the Obama cliff, Bully Boy. It was always the GOP cliff and, lemming-like, they threw themselves over it. In the end they got a worse deal then President Obama offered in the first place. Well done, John Boehner!!!

Your much-valued (/snark) GOP was a part of that bipartisanship deal, Bully Boy! Cooperation is how business gets done in Washington. If you and your fellow Teabaggers don’t like it, then maybe you should come up with a political tactic that isn’t the equivalent of holding your breath until you turn blue.

When confetti cannons are outlawed, only idiots will shoot themselves in the stomach with a confetti gun.

IRONY ALERT: Bully Boy Bolling talks and tweets about going to the gun range. If this is any indication of his skills, you might want to leave the range if he arrives.

You don’t really want my thoughts, Bully Boy.

This little cartoon from Media Matters for ‘Merka puts the Fox & Friends morning line-up meeting in its proper perspective. Fox & Friends is the most virulently anti-Obama show on the Anti-Obama network, provided you discount for Sean Scammity. However, Scammity is only on air 1 hour a day, 5 days a week; F&F serves up its its Anti-Obama breakfast 3 hours a day, 4 hours on weekends. This is how it beats Scammity in the Anti-Obama sweepstakes: VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME!!!

Dr. K is not Henry Kissinger. That’s Loofah Lad’s name for Kraut the Hammer. What I have always thought was astonishingly arrogant is how Dr. K comes on Fox “News” and criticizes President Obama with invented facts and just barely audible dog whistles.

Where to start?

First, I ask the same question I always ask in times like this: Is this half-Governor, failed-VP candidate, failed reality show host, Mama Grizzly Bear with lipstick still a Fox “News” employee?

Next: What the hell was that? Most people can say “Happy New Year” in less than 4 words. It took Sarah Palin a shitload of words to turn New Year’s Eve into a political and religious polemic. What’s up with that?

Then there’s that whole Chronicles thing. BibleGateway quotes God as saying in Chronicles 7:14, “if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

See? God just wants a little attention from his creation, right?

Not quite. Sister Sarah is taking God’s words out of context. [While I don’t believe in God, I pray that people who take Her words out of context go straight to Hell.] The quote comes from the larger narrative of Soloman, in which God describes his Heavenly Protection Racket™ worthy of a Martin Scorsese mafia movie:

11 When Solomon had finished the temple of the Lord and the royal palace, and had succeeded in carrying out all he had in mind to do in the temple of the Lord and in his own palace, 12 the Lord appeared to him at night and said:

“I have heard your prayer and have chosen this place for myself as a temple for sacrifices.

13 “When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. 16 I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that my Name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there.

17 “As for you, if you walk before me faithfully as David your father did, and do all I command, and observe my decrees and laws, 18 I will establish your royal throne, as I covenanted with David your father when I said, ‘You shall never fail to have a successor to rule over Israel.’

19 “But if you[a] turn away and forsake the decrees and commands I have given you[b] and go off to serve other gods and worship them, 20 then I will uproot Israel from my land, which I have given them, and will reject this temple I have consecrated for my Name. I will make it a byword and an object of ridicule among all peoples. 21 This temple will become a heap of rubble. All[c] who pass by will be appalled and say, ‘Why has the Lord done such a thing to this land and to this temple?’ 22 People will answer, ‘Because they have forsaken the Lord, the God of their ancestors, who brought them out of Egypt, and have embraced other gods, worshiping and serving them—that is why he brought all this disaster on them.’”

TRANSLATION: “Nice little temple you got here. It’s a shame should something happen to it.”

Fox “News” sent this out to disguise the real headline: “Republicans Voice Serious Concern Over House Leader.”

House (R)s totally screwed the pooch on the so-called Fiscal Cliff negotiations. Now, to make the best of it, they are trying to sell the pups.

Another update that sounds dirty. [I don’t follow sports and had to look up “Gamecocks.” It wasn’t at all what I thought.]

I think every generation finds that the younger generations are ruder.

Now get the fuck off my lawn or I’m calling the cops.

Bonus song:

After The Orange One skedaddled off the floor of the House without bringing the Hurricane Sandy Relief Bill to a vote it appeared as if — for one brief moment — Fox “News” was going to go ‘all in’ on the political destruction of Speaker John Boehner. They promoted several people, among them Rep Steve King as well, who excoriated Boehner, pretty much disemboweling him in the process.

However, later in the day — whether it was due to a memo from The Suits above, or not — the Fox “News” coverage lurched in an entirely different direction. Suddenly, according to Fox “News,” Boehner didn’t bring up the bill because it was loaded with pork.

It took Jon Stewart, returning from vacation a week after Fox “News” reversed the anti-Boehner tide, to put the bullshit pork argument into perspective. He’s clearly angry.

Why can’t you go away, Bully Boy?

This became another Fox “News” Talking Point this week in order to get its brain-dead audience to forget that guns have caused horrible massacres in ‘Merka: Point to what it calls hypocrisy on the part of Hollywood stars because there’s violence in movies.

IRONY ALERT: The Fox “News” hypocrisy in pointing this out is that Fox, under the umbrella of parent News Corps, owns movies studios, only some of which are named Fox, or Fox Searchlight, or 20th Century Fox. You know what I’m talking about.

Despite it being a Brand New Year, it’s still the same old shit on The Five, known far and wide as the worst show on tee vee since My Mother The Car.

Leave it to Fox “News” to seize on any meme to WHITEwash the gun control debate away from the massacres. As an added bonus, it gets to slam Rep. Feinsteain in the bargain. It’s win/win for Fox “News.”

I bet Heather Childers is not afraid to share cheesecake pics of her legs. Oh, Ainsley Earworm, you were so much more fun before you went and got married.

Even Alysin “Chains” Camerota isn’t afraid to show off her assets, if you get my meaning, Ainsley.

Oh, fer fuck’s sake!!!

I’d sleep so much better if you’d just go back to delivering my morning cheesecake shot of your legs, Ainsley.

Fox “News” has had so much fun with this story since it was announced. Leave it to Bully Boy Bolling to be first off the mark with the BREAKING STORY.

This is just BEFORE Fox “News” reversed course and started to defend Speaker Boehner for his brave stand in not holding a Hurricane Sandy vote. [See above.] Loofah Lad gave Chris Christie one last kick at the cat.


I’m sure we all remember KKKarl Rove’s biggest mistake in 2012. In case you’ve been on another planet, here it is again, because the Fox “News” Spin Cycle desk just can’t get enough of it. ENJOY!

The best part? The fact that he stutters like Porky Pig in this clip only makes the family resemblance more apparent. That’s all, folks!

Despite how wrong Rove was, Fox “News” protected him during the entire election cycle. Time after time — some days multiple times across the schedule — KKKarl Rove appeared on the “Fair and Balanced” network without mentioning his MASSIVE conflict of interest in using his 2 SuperPACs to spend an estimated $300,000,000.00 to influence the 2012 election.

Wait!!! What??? You mean to say that Fox “News” Talk Radio isn’t the ratings juggernaut that it was before its brain-dead listeners realized they were being lied to?

This is another way Fox “News” spins the news. Check out that headline. “OH NOES!!! The evil government is now trying to dictate what we can name our babies. Where do I sign up?”

Most of the Fox “News” brain-dead audience will stop at reading the headline. Only once one ‘clicks through’ is it discovered that this is happening in Iceland.

I have a better question: Do ‘Merkins care about what Loofah Lad thinks about the fiscal cliff.

Another way Fox “News” has of polluting the gun control debate. One restaurant manager does something incredibly stupid [and that’s never happened before, right?] and Fox “News” turns it into a national story to make the left look foolish on the gun control debate.

Did you or Fox “News” complain when the last guy took 32% of his presidency as vacation days?

All told, Dubya took 1,020 vacation days. At the rate of 83 vacation days in his first term, President Obama is on pace to wrack up 168 vacation days for his entire presidency. However, the Reich Wing won’t STFU about President Obama’s vacations. What’s up with that? Then, when you point that out, they say “You’re always pointing fingers at the President Bush.” What’s up with that? It would be far easier if they just owned up to their hypocrisy.

Didja notice how before the election, when the jobs numbers were released, Fox “News,” and especially Bully Boy Bolling, turned the improved numbers into a White House conspiracy to steal the election? Didja notice how after the election, as the job numbers remained on the slightly-improving-track, Fox “News” is reporting the numbers uncritically, the way it had always done before? Just asking.

It takes one to know one, Loofah Lad.

This is just another one of those Watters World segments in which he does, essentially, man-on-the-street interviews which are then edited to make Liberals, entire cities, or President Obama appear stupid. In this Watters World, Jesse Watters suckered Fox “News” into sending him to Hawaii to do man-on-the-beach interviews making Liberals, Hawaii, and President Obama appear stupid. It was a win/win/win so I guess it was money well-spent.

Nothing whatsoever was revealed. There was no dishing. Yawn.

“Quick! How can we blame this on President Obama?”

During the so-called Fiscal Cliff negotiations President Obama asked to renew the Payroll Tax Cut, which was always a temporary tax holiday. The GOP said no. However, this rise is being blamed by Fox “News” on . . . Guess who?

I think he’s holding his breath. Like a submerged whale.

When facebook is outlawed, only outlaws send cute cat pictures on facebook.

How many times has Fox “News” doctored photos, or edited words out of context? At least Pelosi’s office stated in the release that the last 4 women were Photoshopped in. Fox “News” admits to nothing, even when caught.

Why does this picture remind me of The Pet Goat?

I want Fox “News” hosts to register like sex offenders too. Maybe I can work closely with Liberal Mark Green (who the hell is he?) to bring our dreams to fruition.

Bret “Bare Bear” Baier couldn’t stop at just one pic of his son Paul.

Fox “News” delights in making Vice President Joe Biden look foolish. To be fair: There are times he doesn’t need the help.
Would you be surprised to find out that’s not exactly what the Labor Secretary said? Fox “News” knows that and doesn’t care. If it can find a blog that slams the Labor Secretary, then Fox “News” will run with it, despite the truth. Zero hedge? Whuzzat?

Mark Levin is another whack-job that Fox “News” loves to quote, because he says things that it is thinking.

Gentle readers: Last week I told you that Dave “Dave” Briggs was retiring from Fox and Friends Weekend and moving to NBC Sports, where he hopes enough time will pass to get the Fox “News” stink off him.

This weekend Tucker Carlson was the 3rd Stooge on the Curvy Couch. I made the mistake of calling him a word that rhymes with Tucker, but used an “F” instead. Someone, and I like to think it was that little Fucker [OOPS!] himself, reported me and I was admonished for “inappropriate content” by facebook, even though I have probably used the word “fuck” on facebook every day since I’ve been there.

What a bunch of stupid Fuckers.

At one point during a “live pop” from the boat show, Ainsley was standing on the deck of a large boat and motioning elegantly with her arm and that’s when it occurred to me where I saw her for the first time: Before her tee vee career I ran into her at one of the car shows at Cobo Hall. She was showing off the new models with the same elegant sweep of her arms, like Vannah White. I’m sure that was her.

“Because even though he’s now just a private citizen, we’re going to promote his latest crazy statements as if he ever had anything intelligent thing to say.”

Well, mostly good. How are you, Bully Boy? Do you have to confess much when you go to church?

She does have legs after all.

She just refuses to send out cheesecake of her legs in close-up now that she’s married, unlike when she sent out cheesecake of her legs out every single day [practically] before she got married.

When following the Constitution is outlawed, only outlaws follow the Constitution. Think about it.

Yes. Next question.

Flying Dis-United.

This was another way Fox “News” had to deflect the gun control conversation away from the massacres.

Hobby Lobby is the new Chick-fil-A.

Guns don’t kill people. Repeat. Guns don’t kill people.

Remember when President Obama said there are people who cling to their guns and religion? He forgot all about those who cling to their guns and their religion and their football, like Bully Boy Bolling.

This gun map being published was the best thing to happen for Fox “News” and its attempts to change the gun control conversation away from the massacres of humans to other topics.

Personally, I’m enjoying this tension between the First Amendment and the Second Amendment.

“Quick! How can we blame President Obama?”

It’s not surprising to see the NRA and Bully Boy Bolling on the same page of crazy.

Dog whistle!

More scare-mongering from the gun-clinging, religion-clinging Bully Boy Bolling.

Term limits is an unnecessary government intrusion on the people’s right to decide who to elect to serve them. Libertarians should be against term limits.

And the week ends with another Dog Whistle. Toot, toot.

It appears that 2013 will be as contentious as last year, which is why the Fox “News” Spin Cycle is working to improve your world. The FNSC is now loaded with 87% Fox “News” Snark by volume. REMEMBER: We do it all for you.

The Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 32

As the year ends, and 2013 begins, it’s time to compile the last Fox “News” Spin Cycle for 2012. 

It was a hell of a year for Fox “News,” having been caught out by the presidential election to be the Opposite Network: If Fox says something, the opposite must be true. Now that Fox “News” normally brain-dead viewers have realized they were being lied to, they are turning off the Propaganda Network in droves. The Fox “News” ratings are now in free fall.

Before we get to this week’s snark, I want to clear up a matter from a few weeks ago. When Fox “News” took what appeared to be an unprovoked shot at Matt Damon I wrote:

Matt Damon is another Hollywood star that Fox “News” delights in attacking. If I cared why I could research it. I would probably discover that Damon said something against Fox “News” or one of its pet projects. Or, he starred in movies with George Clooney, another Hollywood star Fox “News” attacks with regularity. The reason doesn’t have to make sense. Suffice to say Fox “News” has a hate-on for Matt Damon (and George Clooney, among others).

While I still don’t care and didn’t bother to research it, the following graphic came across my cyber-desk this week:

Add caption

So, that explains that! Matt Damon supports unionism and (presumably) teachers, both of which are sworn enemies of Fox “News.” No wonder Fox “News” attacks him without provocation.

Now that we’ve cleaned up that matter, here’s the last Fox “News” Spin Cycle for the year:

The optics are much better for President Obama if we go off the Fiscal Cliff. The GOP will get all the blame. However, I don’t think that’s what the president wants. I’m sure he’d much rather sign a deal.

This is the newest Fox “News” tactic on guns: Attack the messenger. Fox “News” is pointing out what it feels is hypocrisy on the part of those who are for some form of control on some weapons for some reasons.

There’s only one religion, as far as Fox “News” is concerned. Therefore, there’s only one holiday worth talking about.

Once again Fox “News” uses Libertarian hero Penn Jillette to make fun of “Liberals.” However, Penn Jillette has also come out strongly AGAINST the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas and did it over at CNN to boot. However, Fox “News” simply ignores that.
Penn Jillette’s recent OpEd at CNN, which slammed the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas.

Did anyone at Fox “News” tell you that this gunman used the same weapon as the gunman in the Newtown Massacre? I thought not.

It may have been a “good war,” but it has an expiry date. Is KKKarl Rove advocating we stay in Afghanistan or is he just looking for stuff to spew at President Obama because he’s a sore loser?

Fox “News” made this its singular success story for the year, since it was unable to get Mendacious Mitt elected to the White House.

Bully Boy Bolling jumps onto the Hate Gregory Bandwagon.

This is the solution to gun violence that Fox “News” has been advocating, so any instance where guns are in schools will be trumpeted from this moment on.

More proof, if it was ever needed, of the vacuity of the ‘Merkin public and, especially, the Fox “News” brain-dead audience.

Still no leg cheesecake from Ainsley Earworm. Marriage really changed that gal.

Because there is no other holiday.

Because there is no other holiday.

Because there is no other holiday.

Because there is no other holiday.

Because there is no other holiday.

Because there is no other holiday.

You can see the Fiscal Cliff from Sarah Palin’s porch.

In truth the Fiscal Cliff is barely an escarpment. [See: Hamilton, Ontario.]

Because there is no other holiday.

I would love that for my neighbourhood. It would tell me which neighbours to avoid getting into an argument with.

Calling it the Fiscal Cliff is making a mountain out of a molehill.

What’s really got Fox “News” freaked is the fact that President Obama has better leverage both before and after January 1st. The GOP are in a terrible position tactically, and they know it . . . so does Fox “News.”

Obamacare is the program Fox “News” loves to hate, so anything negative that can be said about it MUST be said about it.

Once again Loofah Lad is using his silly quiz for propaganda purposes.

Fox “News” can’t leave the Benghazi story alone, especially after its wholly fictitious conspiracy theory has fallen apart.

One person’s historical revisionism becomes a national story at Fox “News” because it’s critical of President Clinton, another president Fox “News” loves to hate.

On the other hand, George W. Bush was the president Fox “News” loved to love. Fox “News” supported all of Dubya’s policies, until the second he left office. Once the ‘Merkin public realized Dubya was an abject failure as a president, Fox “News” dropped him like a overused cliche. Now the so-called news channel barely speaks of him. This is a rare appearance of his name over the last 4 years.

It’s a reverse Oreo Cookie. While Ainsley Earworm stopped showing off her legs ever since she got married, these two Heathers are happy to pick up the slack. Your male viewers than you, Heathers.

No one points fingers better than Fox “News.” Here it points the finger at Harry Reid for saying the obvious.

If one were forced to compile a list of Fox “News” sworn enemies, Michael Moore would have to be at the top of the page. Barely a week goes by that there’s not at least one attack on Moore.

When The Falafel King FINALLY apologizes for accusing U.S. troops of the Malmédy Massacre, then I’ll take him seriously on matters of the military. Until then: Phhhht!

Do I detect some tension between the First Amendment and the Second Amendment? “Some people say” the newspaper had the RIGHT to print the map, but shouldn’t have done so to protect the gun owners. Protect them from what? They’ve got all the guns.

The Heathers are never afraid to give their brain-dead followers a little morning cheesecake. What’s Ainsley Earworm afraid of? Her husband?
It’s always stunning, no matter how many times it happens, to see Bully Boy Bolling proudly display his utter stupidity. He’s so proud of this stupid thing he said that when Mediaite quoted him, he was thrilled to pass it along.

First of all, Eric, President Obama didn’t create this mess, the House did. Secondly, Bully Boy is only fooling himself if he feels the ‘Merkin people will blame the president if the House and Senate fail to get an agreement. It will be the GOP’s fault in the eyes of the public, and rightly so. Therefore, “GOP Cliff” would be far more accurate. Lastly, why would you cheer for failure, Bully Boy? Don’t you want ‘Merka to succeed? Doncha still believe in ‘Merkin ‘Ceptionalism?

There are more upper-lip sneers in a single Michelle Malkin segment on Fox “News” than in Elvis’ entire musical career.

Kraut the Hammer is just one of MANY Fox “News” personalities that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was faking her concussion to get out of testifying before Congress. After it was revealed that the bump to her head resulted in a blood clot next to her brain and she had to be hospitalized, there was no apology from Fox “News” for its despicable reporting, as usual. Down the memory hole.

The only solution to too many guns is clearly more guns. It’s the “hair of the dog” solution to ‘Merka’s gun violence.

Michael Moore, the Liberal Fox “News” loves to hate.
This was Bully Boy Bolling at his worst this week. He was clearly angry at Michael Moore (yeah, this is a continuation of the above) and his remarks. However, when Bully Boy is angry it decouples his brain from his mouth. In other words: He runs his mouth without thinking and winds up saying something stupid. I thought Michael Moore made a good point about some of the emotions that drive gun owners and a fear of Black people IS what motivates some gun owners. However, according to Bully Boy Bolling, White people aren’t afraid of Blacks. White people are afraid of Michael Moore, and others like him, who use their First Amendment Rights to express an opinion. Because we all know that opinions are scarier than Black folk.

You just have to get right back on that horse, right Bully Boy? [Why am I thinking of The Great Santini right now?]

When fake ammunition belts are outlawed, only outlaws will wear fake ammunition belts.

The guy broke the rules imposed by his employer not to possess a weapon. It’s not that he defended himself, but that he used a weapon he carried ‘just in case’ to do so. Maybe Fox “News” would have preferred he used a gun.

It’s always fun ’til somebody pokes an eye out, right Eric Chase?

It was “Bring the Briggs to Work Day” on the Curvy Couch, just in time for Dave Briggs to leave Fox “News” on the last day of the year.

Fox “News” also loves to attack welfare recipients and the social safety net.

Of course Brent Bozo’s Media Research Center is disqualified from being awarded its own prize, otherwise it would be a runaway winner every year. They may as well retire the category.

TRANSLATION: We will allow equal access to healthcare for all, including contraception, even if one works for a religious organization, including Christians.

Because 5 hours a week of this bullshit is clearly not enough.
Once again Brent Bozo’s Media Research Center doesn’t disappoint. Fox “News” uses the MRC to say things it would never say. That’s the only reason Brent Bozo appears on the Fox “News” Channel.

TRANSLATION: Because we have more lies in us than can be contained in 5 hours of tee vee per week.

Now that former-Marine Jon Hammar has been released by the Mexican government, Fox “News” has started a new campaign to get Russia to reverse a law concerning foreign adoption. Can you imagine the outcry from Fox “News” if Russia tried to meddle in the ‘Merkin legal system? Loofah Lad would be manning the battle stations and Sean Scammity would start up a new series of Freedom Concerts from which to siphon off proceeds.

Spinning a new Benghazi story out of a shred of a quote.

Mine is the Fox and Friends theme song:

I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out.

And that, folks, is how Fox “News” accounted for itself in the last week of 2012. As we enter 2013 there will be more Fox “News” silliness to expose, counter, and ridicule. Be sure to join The Fox “News” Spin Cycle for the journey.

The Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 31

It was a tough week for the Fox “News” personalities following the Newtown Massacre. The NRA had yet to state a position on gun control for them to parrot. 

Yet, the so-called “news” network couldn’t help but expose its split personality, with Rupert Murdock coming out in favour of gun control, while the rest of the Fox Chuckleheads™ came out in favour of a strong Second Amendment, with no exceptions. It’s the reason why The Fox “News” Spin Cycle blog series exists.

Let’s get right to it:

When Bully Boy Bolling wakes up in a pensive mood, that’s a good thing. Unfortunately, by the end of the week it would become apparent that not a scintilla of new information penetrated that thick skull of his. Because, in the end, Bully Boy decided to cling to his guns and religion, despite the horrifying statistics on how many deaths over the years have been the end result of the misuse of guns and religion.

“The Five” never shows my messages. Maybe that’s because I have always maintained that “The Five” is the worst show on tee vee since “My Mother The Car.”

If you like to hear 4 people on the Right agreeing with each other, while 1 person just makes a fool of themselves, then “The Five” is weekdaily viewing. It’s a program that will always provide more heat than light. However, if you like to hear discussions based on facts, as opposed to Fox “News” Talking Points and Reich Wing Politics, then do yourself a favour and skip “The Five.” It’ll just drive you crazy.

Oh man! Fox “News” SciTech got into the magic mushrooms again. Either that, or they’ve been watching the Matrix movies on too little sleep.

This poll is good news for Fox “News.”

For the past 4 years Fox “News” has been drumming this concept into the ‘Merkin people. Now it can boast of a poll that demonstrates how its propaganda worked perfectly. Now Fox “News” will have another 4 years to try and make all Democrats appear to its brain-dead viewers as Socialists, Communists, Stalinists, Fascists, and Atheists.

This tragic story of former-Marine Jon Hammar’s arrest in Mexico on having an illegal gun provides a lesson in Fox “News” story building. Follow along:

To begin: Last week Fox “News” started pushing this story of a poor former-Marine who was
being mistreated in a Mexican jail for allegedly breaking Mexico’s gun laws.

The only information Fox “News” has ever broadcast about this case came from
Jon Hammar’s mother, who might be a little biased. (Ya think?) She said Jon’s arrest was over a “clerical error” and Fox “News” did no original reporting beyond that. Everyone they interviewed concerning Hammar’s arrest also had no information beyond what they had heard from his mother, including the Congresswoman who used the story to get Fox Facetime™.

When this pic (above) of Jon Hammar chained to his bed was smuggled out, Fox “News” had an orgasm. It played right into the storyline Fox “News” had already created.

What no one was telling the brain-dead Fox “News” viewers is that Jon Hammar was chained to his bed for his own safety. While it’s sounds complicated, it’s not. When Hammar was locked up with the general Mexican prison population, he was threatened and hurt. Therefore he was moved, for his own safety, to a place where he couldn’t be hurt by the other prisoners. Unfortunately, this was also a place from which a man with Marine training could escape easily. To prevent that, he was chained.

Now imagine for a moment, dear reader, that a propagandizing tee vee channel from a country (that we recognized like we do Mexico) started to agitate for the release of a prisoner who had yet to stand trial in ‘Merka on charges of having an illegal weapon. Fox “News” would be the first to tell them to STFU to maintain the sovereignty of the ‘Merkin Justice System.

However, Fox “News” took up the cause of Jon Hammar, which became a crescendo as the week progressed.

If only they’d redesign their opinions. Amiright? Eh? Eh?

While Vicki Soto undoubtedly died a hero, concentrating on the victims is one of the ways Fox “News” has of avoiding the question of gun control in ‘Merka (reported in last week’s edition of The Fox “News” Spin Cycle). Early in the week Fox “News” was still flailing on how to report this story, especially as it was still several days away from the announced NRA presser, in which the Gun Rights organization would take a clear position which Fox “News” could parrot.

And, normally that would be a good thing. Especially after a tragedy like the Newtown Massacre. However, to give you some unsolicited advice, Bully Boy: processing works best when you listen to other voices and other points of view. You are so deep inside the Fox “News” bubble that you don’t realize that you came out of this believing no different than you did before 20 children were murdered with a gun. You didn’t process. You simply allowed things to solidify.

That quack?

This isn’t about gun-running, of course. This is about the fact that Jon Hammar allegedly (and even his mother admitted as such) tried to bring an illegal shotgun into Mexico. His mother says he declared it and then they arrested him. Izzat true? Who knows? His mother says she received phone calls trying to extort money from the family to facilitate Jon Hammar’s release. Izzat true? Who knows?

However, Fox “News” knows a good story when it creates one. It’s going to ride this one as far as it can.

Fox “News” just loved John Boehner’s Plan B.

IRONY ALERT: I could go to Der Googlizer and within 3 seconds can find dozens of links in which Loofah Lad was badgering or bullying someone. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

IRONY ALERT II: The Falafel King exploits Newtown tragedy to accuse the far-left of exploiting the Newtown tragedy.

Last week Fox “News” was taking pot shots (pun intended) at Matt Damon. This week it’s a whole new thangie.

Personally I found this a disgusting interview for a whole lot of reasons. Here are some:

First, this isn’t the first time Dr. Eben Alexander has been on Fox “News.” He was on back in October to promote his book “Proof of Heaven” in which he presents the ultimate proof for the existence of Heaven: When Dr. Alexander was in a coma he traveled to Heaven, hung around for 7 days, took copious notes, and came back to this mortal coil to write a book all about it. That’s his proof. Yeah, I know. Intelligent people might want to measure this guy for a straight-jacket, but Fox “News” breathlessly presented Dr. Eben Alexander as an authority on Heaven. There are many segments like this on Fox and Friends in which the Foxy Friends clearly promote a Christian understanding of Heaven (and Hell, for that matter) and the rest of the world. The whole War on Christmas is predicated on the concept that the only religious POVs worth broadcasting are from the Jesus cults, no matter what the denomination.

Then suddenly there’s a tragedy in Newtown and Fox and Friends drags this snake-oil salesman back on the air so he can promote his book all over again, and offer Christian comfort for the brain-dead viewers of Fox “News.” If you don’t believe me, watch this interview for yourself. It’s sickening and cloying. It promotes a narrow view of humanity, as if we can be nothing more than God-worshiping monkeys who have to believe in an  afterlife because this one is so fucked up.

That’s just my opinion, of course. Your mileage may vary.

For bonus points: Wretched Gretched couldn’t get through the interview without crying, demonstrating to the world her Christian bone fides and lack of professionalism simultaneously.

Since I started compiling these Fox “News” Spin Cycle posts, I’ve noticed a pattern to some of the posts. Yannow how everyone who is sentient has noticed the pattern on Fox “News” of them using the phrase “some people say“? Well, some of these UPDATES fall into the same category. However, on air Fox “News” can just allege what “some people say” without providing any proof whatsoever. When it’s a Twitter/facebook UPDATE Fox “News” has to actually find someone to say what it’s thinking.

That’s why people like Mark Levin, who is the farthest Right of all the Reich Wing crazies broadcasting in this country, can pop up as if he’s just another common man.

So, we know he wasn’t stupid.

Once again Loofah Lad uses his silly little quiz for propaganda purposes.

A PAC was created to keep the momentum and discussion on gun control going. I hardly think that makes them vultures, unless you agree with me that the NRA lying about President Obama and gun control to raise money over the last 4 years makes them vultures.

Sean Scammity, who has never divulged where all the money went for his fund-raising Freedom Concerts, has now taken up the cause of former-Marine Jon Hammar. And it’s still early in the week.
The source for this story later clarified and said that that is what he heard from others. In other words: Fox “News” was broadcasting hearsay. Later the boy’s father (yes, the source turned out to be a teenager) has said his son would have had no first hand knowledge. Despite this strong denunciation, Fox “News” kept promoting this angle of the story long after it had been debunked.

When will Fox “News” tell us that Nancy Lanza was a gun nut, who was
training to be a crack shot in case the government came a’knocking? Or,
is that merely an inconvenient fact? Here’s what else Fox “News” will never tell you: Whatever social difficulties Adam Lanza had (he is reported to have had Asperger’s, but I have yet to see that from any official source either), his mother was in all likelihood filling him with all kinds of crazy nonsense about government conspiracies, the kind that can usually only be heard on Fox “News.”

I loved their Whiter Shade of Pale single.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

And, yet, a slight bit of intelligence on the issue of gun control from Peter Johnson, Jr., who, Stephen Colbert has noted has 3 names that are all euphemisms of “penis.” It’s thought that the avuncular Johnson — who is not just a Knight of Malta, but also Roger Ailes private attorney, is Ailes’ most direct, unfiltered megaphone to the Fox “News” brain-dead viewers. Now that both Murdoch and Ailes have expressed an interest in some form of gun control, will the rest of the Fox “News” personalities follow along? Stay tuned. [h/t Media Matters]

Since Gabe Sherman said that Fox “News” was benching KKKarl Rove (and Dickish Morris) after disastrous election prognostications, Fox “News” had to understandably bring Rove back and pretend Sherman was wrong. This is just KKKarl Rove playing along because he knows it’s good for bidnezz, and Fox “News” will never reveal his conflict of interest during the election.

Kraut the Hammer was just one of many Fox “News” people who raised doubt that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was faking her illness. It’s disgusting. Clinton has said she will testify when she is well. I don’t think anyone will be able to stop her from doing so because she wants to, but Congress has subpoena power. It can compel her to testify. So, remind me again why this illness would prevent her from testifying?

And, it was no less stupid when Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell suggested it. It’s not a question of “Great minds think alike,” Bully Boy. It’s because “Fools never differ.”

Did you hear that sound? Fox “News” just had an orgasm.

Did you hear that new sound? Multiple orgasms.

Oh, fer fuck’s sake!!!

If it was on the Loofah Lad Full Spin Hour, it won’t be the truth.

If it were me: I would not have pushed my son’s face across the innertubes, no matter which king he played, even if he played The Falafel King.

Who can argue with logic like that? Fox “News.” That’s who. Fox “News” hates Michael Moore more than it ever did Osama bin Laden.

More bullshit from Fox “News.” There was no victory. The administration said, essentially, “We are still in the process of crafting an exemption for religious schools.” The court said, essentially, “See that you do so.” Nothing changed after that court decision. So, how does that make it a victory?

Loofah Lad proves he’s not the only Fox “News” personality who can badger and bully. Here he lauds Neil Cavuto for going “toe to toe” in an interview in which badgering and bullying are mild descriptions.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

This next series of screen caps is a perfect example of the “some people say” tactic from start to the inevitable finish. It begins with sober-thinking gun owner Ted Nugent penning another defense of guns in his regular Washington Times column.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.
Because Ted Nugent is saying what Fox “News” is thinking, Fox “News” feels this is worthy of passing along to its brain-dead followers.
Then Fox “News” decides it’s worthy enough to feature on its web site, where it is the headlined story mid-week. One of the Fox “News” personalities will say, “some people say it’s a matter of moral decay” in 3 … 2 … 1 … Anything to avoid talking about gun control.
However, to get another perspective one needs to read Right Wing Watch.

Sarah Palin, who Gabe Sherman has also written about, sees the opportunity to get a few kicks in at Sherman.

That’s not what I’ve asked for, Bully Boy. Here’s what I want for Christmas, if you have a mind to play Santa Claus:
I want you to show enough intestinal fortitude that you unblock me on Twitter.

Jake Tapper was the only reporter who asked a question about gun control at a press conference that was preceded by a Presidential Statement on gun control, and it came at the very end of the press conference. All the rest of the questions were about the fiscal cliff, even from the Fox “News” White House Correspondent. Yet, because Tapper criticized the president Fox “News” felt that was the moment from the press conference to pass along to its brain-dead viewers, even tho’ he’s a reporter from a competing network.

Because we all know how “Fair and Balanced” Republican Senator Marco Rubio is.

Hear that sound? The Five just had a simultaneous orgasm.
Fox “News” will always be ready to promote the John Boehner version of reality, but rarely will it pass along to its brain-dead followers what the President’s position is.

Then Loofah Lad climbs aboard the Jon Hammar bandwagon and features the story several days in a row.

Just think: It was only 12 months ago that Newt Gingrich thought he was smart enough to be president. He failed miserably in the primaries, which makes him perfect for Fox “News” punditry.

With everything that was going on this week, Ainsley Earworm forgot the cheesecake until mid-week.

It’s sad that Ainsley Earworm doesn’t share any leg cheesecake pics since she got married. I hope she still has her legs.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

By mid-week The Falafel King has jumped into the Jon Hammar story with both feet.

What makes Fox “News” think this woman is even relevant anymore? BTW: Is Sarah Palin still a Fox “News” employee or is her contract, and 15 minutes of fame, up now? Pretty please.

The Five’s Christmas party this year was quite an honour for the Aunty Em Ericann blog. I called my occasional snarky post about Bully Boy Bolling “Chow Mein and Bolling,” which is actually a pun based on the great Mike Nesmith tune “Chow Mein and Bowling.” In order to demonstrate that he totally gets the inside joke, Bully Boy Bolling INSISTED that this year’s The Five’s Christmas party would take place in a bowling alley. Thank you! Next year I hope to attend personally.

Because the only answer to guns are more guns.

IRONY ALERT III: If only KKKarl Rove had been cautious with 2012 predictions. He was as wrong as wrong can be, even after the election was called for President Obama.

Did you hear that? Yep, Fox “News” just had another group orgasm.
Another headline that misrepresents the truth. A coal plant is shutting down and it is citing regulations as the reason for doing so. It has decided to close, rather than retrofitting to comply with the laws. But: 1). President Obama doesn’t write the environmental laws; 2). Many of these EPA regs predate the Obama administration. However, if you only read the headline, you’d think that President Obama reached out of the Oval Office and slapped that company down. This is just another example of why Fox “News” is not “Fair and Balanced.” Never has been. Never will be.

Until he can’t any more.

One person said something that Loofah Lad didn’t like and that becomes “Liberal hate speech.”

It turns out John Boehner should have had a Plan C.

SPOILER ALERT: It was Loofah Lad, who took his latest demands to The Five. As only The Falafel King can, Bill O’ threatened President Obama and the Mexican government or else!!!

Just look at this public display of Loofah Lad arrogance: Not only did Loofah Lad threaten the Mexican government, but he also threatened the President of the United States. Who the hell does he think he is? There are times it’s hard to know who is the bigger bully, The Falafel King or Bully Boy Bolling.

Did you hear that? Bill O’Reilly just had an orgasm. I’m sure Loofah Lad, and the rest of Fox “News,” will take credit for Jon Hammar’s release. What’s worse, is they will come to believe it even though they know the whole story was bullshit to begin with.

Anything to avoid talking about gun control.

Reagan’s House heroes? What the hell are you talking about?

Did you hear that sound? Swiftboaters just had an orgasm.

The NRA finally spoke and Wayne LaPierre echoed the Fox “News” talking point that the cure for guns is more guns.

And, Geraldo Rivera’s talking point. When hoodies are outlawed, only outlaws will wear hoodies, right Geraldo?

I’m going to assume Freedom is the name of Bully Boy’s dog.

It’s a two-fer: Jesse Watters gets a Hawaiian vacation and finds a way to smear President Obama.

Hoo boy!!!

When video games are outlawed, only outlaws will play video games.

Another example of Fox “News” finding someone to say what it’s thinking. In this case it’s Herman “Nein Nein Nein” Cain.

The entire thinking nation mocked the NRA presser. Why should reporters be any different?

Just to put the issue of guns into a human perspective is this front page headline at the Huffington Post:

Here are just some of the gun deaths in the week after the Newtown Massacre, as reported by HuffPo.

I’ve always said that you’re a bully. Nice of you to prove it so often.

The sneer that launched a thousand Reich Wing smears.

Critics assailed NRA boss in return.

Sad news, folks. The weekend Three Stooges on the Curvy Couch are losing their Curly, as Dave Briggs is off to NBC Sports, which they couldn’t say because it’s another network. Any guesses on which Fox “News” Stooge will get tapped to play Shemp?

Fox “News” has a direct line to the Hammar family.

Say “buh bye” to Boehner.

Sarah Silverman is another Fox “News” nemesis.

I’m sure there’s a joke here somewhere.

I’m going to assume Freedom is the name of Bully Boy’s dog.

This picture demonstrates the great rapport the Sunday Panel has with each other.
More proof that Fox “News” doesn’t understand irony: It was pointed out that statistically White men are more likely to be serial killers or mass murderers. The suggestion to profile White men was meant as irony, not a serious proposal.

Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

Killing is good, as far as Fox “News” is concerned.

However, killing isn’t the reason for the season. Leave it to Bret “The Bear” Baier to remind us all what’s really important at this time of year:

Because everybody gets to spend the holiday at their condo in Florida. I know I will, but I happen to live here. Maybe next time you’re down this way we can get together for coffee, Bret.
This edition of The Fox “News” Spin Cycle was compiled the day before Christmas. We thought we would leave you with this warm holiday message from Libertarian Penn Jillette:
I gotcher War on Christmas right here!!!