Tag Archives: snark

The Expoding Whale ► Throwback Thursday

It hardly seems like 45 years ago, but November 12, 1970 was a whale of a day.

It happens all the time: a dead whale washes up on shore, threatening to stink up the joint unless something is done. But what?

When a a sperm whale washed up on the beach at Florence, Oregon, the authorities sprung into action. As the WikiWackyWoo explains, they left it up to rank amateurs:

All Oregon beaches are under the jurisdiction of the Oregon Parks and Recreation Department,[3]
but in 1970, Oregon beaches were technically classified as state
highways, so responsibility for disposing of the carcass fell upon the
Oregon Highway Division (now known as the Oregon Department of Transportation, or ODOT).[4] After consulting with officials from the United States Navy,
they decided that it would be best to remove the whale the same way as
they would remove a boulder. They thought burying the whale would be
ineffective as it would soon be uncovered, and believed dynamite would
disintegrate the whale into pieces small enough for scavengers to clear up.

Thus, half a ton of dynamite was applied to the carcass. The engineer
in charge of the operation, George Thornton, stated—on camera, in an
interview with Portland newsman Paul Linnman—that he wasn’t exactly sure
how much dynamite would be needed. (Thornton later explained that he
was chosen to remove the whale because the district engineer, Dale
Allen, had gone hunting).[5][6]

WATCH THE FUN:

As it happened, there was an expert on the scene, but no one listened:

Coincidentally, a military veteran from Springfield with explosives
training, Walter Umenhofer, was at the scene scoping a potential
manufacturing site for his employer.[1]
Umenhofer later told The Springfield News reporter Ben Raymond Lode
that he had warned Thornton that the amount of dynamite he was using was
very wrong—when he first heard that 20 cases were being used he was in
disbelief. He had known that 20 cases of dynamite was far too much
dynamite to be used. Instead of 20 cases they needed 20 sticks of
dynamite. Umenhofer said Thornton was not interested in the advice. In
an odd coincidence, Umenhofer’s brand-new Oldsmobile was flattened by a
chunk of falling blubber after the blast. He told Lode he had just
bought the Ninety-Eight Regency at Dunham Oldsmobile in Eugene, during
the “Get a Whale of a Deal” promotion.[1]

You can’t make this shit up, even tho’ some people accuse Wikipedia of doing so.

Meanwhile, exploding whales are not that uncommon. Watch:

The Girls On Fox “News”

Austin Cunningham hiding his
mid-back-length hair in a ponytail.

Austin Cunningham is a Country Music singer/songwriter who’s not yet popular enough to have his own Wikipedia page created by his management team. 

No matter, because with his latest song he’s attempting to become the next Willie Nelson, or is that Ray Stevens? The truth of the matter is it’s hard to know whether Cunningham is being serious or delirious with his latest song “The Girls On Fox News.” I wonder if the Foxy “girls,” who would prefer to be known for their brains, not their beauty, are amused. Maybe they are simply flattered. Regardless, here’s one song you won’t be hearing any time soon on Fox “News,” no matter how much of a toe-tapper it is.

I had to go all the way to Austin Cunningham’s own web site for his bio:

Early on in his career, Garland, Texas native Austin Cunningham carved out a place for himself as a songwriter. He has had songs recorded by artists such as Hank Williams, Jr., Martina McBride, Dolly Parton, Wynonna, Chris Knight, Del McCoury, and the list goes on. Austin has songs on feature film soundtracks including Ashley Judd’s Where the Heart Is, and the Richard Gere/Winona Ryder film, Autumn in New York. He and his music are featured in “Hey Dillon”, a documentary about one of the “last great DJs”, Brett Dillon of KHYI in Dallas. Austin has performed at the Sundance Film Festival for the Bluebird Café On the Road series, and a few years back, was awarded the coveted Johnny Mercer Award for “Emerging American Songwriters”.

Although writing is Austin’s first passion, he is no slouch at performing, blazing a trail with live shows across the U.S. and is a favorite on the Texas Music Scene. With a strong voice and some of the best guitar playing you’ll ever hear, he always manages to captivate his audience. Whether performing an acoustic solo, or rocking the house with a strat and a full band, it is entertainment at it’s best. This is just good, roots music mixed with great stories.

The best story he’s told so far, aside from that biography, is about the “girls” on Fox “News.” If you want to catch Austin live, here’s his full schedule. He seems to be playing all the big rooms:

Mar 26, 2013 – Cadillac Pizza Pub –  Mckinney, TX
Apr 30, 2013 – Cadillac Pizza Pub – Mckinney, TX
May 4, 2013 – Soldier’s Wings Benefit Show – San Antonio, TX
May 18, 2013 – Kevin Deal’s Texas Music Revival – Denison, TX
May 28, 2013 – Cadillac Pizza Pub – Mckinney, TX
Jun 1, 2013 – Joey – Pottsville, TN

The Mark Koldys-Johnny Dollar Comment of the Day

Johnny Dollar, aka Mark Koldys,
when even his mother loved him.

Aunty Em’s spies are everywhere. Paid informants told me Greyhammy was tweeting about me again. Curiosity got the best of me. Hilarity ensues.

A reminder: Greyhammy is the miserable miscreant who pinched out the excremental turd that prompted me to write “Johnny Dollar Has Proven Himself To Be A Very Dangerous Person,” the post that launched this blog. Greyhammy had the bowel movement, but it took a real walking piece of shit named Johnny Dollar — aka Mark Koldys — to determine it was worth publishing online.

Mark Koldy as he was entering his Liberace
phase. The sparkly suit is still to come.


Johnny Dollar‘s rubric is CABLE NEWS TRUTH, but Greyhammy’s post had nothing to do with truth, or cable news for that matter. It was a nakedly blatant attempt to kill the messenger because Johnny Dollar has never liked the NewsHound message. Since I was NewsHounds’ most prolific writer, Johnny Dollar made the executive decision that in order to defend Fox “News” he had to destroy me. Nothing else explains why he would reveal my nom de plume (which was not a secret in the first place as hundreds of people knew it) along with outing my sex life. Happens every day in the Marketplace of Ideas, right?

So, when I heard Grayhammy and Johnny Dollar were at it again I have to admit to being curious, the same way one rubbernecks at a traffic accident. Greyhammy’s blocked me on Twitter like the fucking little coward he is, but that doesn’t stop him from tweeting about me. Nor does it stop me from seeing his pile of manure, so I really wonder what’s the point. No matter. This is what Greyhammy’s live Twitter feed looks like:

It took a while to figure out how I managed to come up in conversation (even if they didn’t use my name). It appears to have begun at 4:05PM February 9th with a tweet by Greyhammy:

However, I never called Paul Krugman a partisan hack. Therefore, Greyhammy is lying again. Or, and this is far more likely, he’s mixed me up with someone else AGAIN!!! Remember when the denizens of Johnny Dollar‘s sewer thought I was Jonathan? Remember when they thought I was Patrick? Remember when they thought I was Ferris? I can’t even remember all the various people they have accused me of being.

Johnny Dollar and his brain-dead sycophants come up with a Conspiracy Theory first and then work backwards to compile all the evidence they need to convince themselves of something that is simply not true. Yet, despite there being no truth to Greyhammy’s tweet, that was enough for him and Johnny Dollar to kick it around for over an hour and a half, concluding with:

Only a moron would believe Greyhammy. Step right up Mark Koldys. I challenge Mark Koldys, or his bum-licker Greyhammy, to prove I said Paul Krugman was a partisan hack. If either of them can prove this I will donate $5 million dollars to the non-profit Donald Trump Toupee Fund For Men.

Otherwise, they have just proven themselves to be fucking liars again. Here’s an oldie but goody from the Johnny Dollar archives:

Even a quack like Dr. Ablow would recognize this projection on the part of Mark Koldys, who has only one tactic to attack NewsHound writers. Don’t take my word for it. The evidence is all over his web site, for those with a strong enough stomach. I’m sure Dr. Ablow would concur with my lay diagnosis: Johnny Dollar is clearly a psychopath.

If you’re on facebook, don’t forget to join The Johnny Dollar Depreciation Society. It’s Dollarishious. And, to my Confidential Informant, the cheque is in the mail. Keep those cards and letters coming in.

Today’s Fox Snark ► Gretchen Carlson ► Updated with New Snark!!!

Following Fox “News” personalities on Twitter and facebook can be a never-ending source of amusement. Especially Gretchen Carlson.

UPDATE:

Names have been called. I absolutely deny being an anal grammarian. I have made my own share of errors and typos over the years and, no doubt, you’ll find some here. We all make typos. Here’s what makes gretchen carlson’s messages stand out: the guests names are always in lower case, while more gets capitalized than absolutely necessary. Add to that all the other errors and following gretchen carlson is like following a Magical Metaphor™ for the Current State of Journalism in ‘Merka™.

Since the above, I also caught:

It’s not that she doesn’t know where the Caps Lock Key is. However, it’s only for corporations: NY Times, JP Morgan, Solyndra and Congress. Most ironically she can also capitalize Capitol Hill. Just not people.

Is gretchen carlson is trying to be the e.e.cummings of journalism???

You’ve Come A Long Way, Baby – NYT Decides To Capitalize Negro

Dateline June 7, 1930 – The New York Times decides to start capitalizing the word “Negro” out of respect.

Look, it’s just a truism that the English language, as well as the times—not to mention The Times—evolve. These days no one is ever pulled over for driving while Negro.

Meanwhile, here’s an article (PDF) in the very same NYT on January 10, 1903 arguing in favour of the capital “N,” so very many years before it ever happened. That’s only proof that the English language, as well as the times—not to mention The Times—evolve slowly. One day we can hope that no one will be pulled over for driving while Black.