All posts by Headly Westerfield

About Headly Westerfield

Calling himself “A liberally progressive, sarcastically cynical, iconoclastic polymath,” Headly Westerfield has been a professional writer all his adult life.

The Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 29

Bizarro is owned by Dan Piraro at Bizarro Blog!

The Fox “News” Spin Cycle team was forced to work overtime this week: Not only did Bob Costas go crazy and say the obvious, and not only did he desecrate a sacred football broadcast to do so, but he did it during The Phony War on Christmas, aka The Holy Weeks. This shall not stand.

That’s why Fox “News” started the week attacking Costas, but before it was over there would be other targets: favourite enemy Michael Moore would be smeared, Labour supporter Ed Asner pissed the station off, and PSY, of the Gangnam Style craze, would become a sworn enemy. And, for good measure, the so-called Ground Zero Mosque is back in the news.

The Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas™ seemed to take up the most airtime and indignation on the so-called “news” channel, as always. That’s why we start with this reminder:

Bully Boy Bolling awoke Monday morning and forgot he’s supposed to be mad at Bob Costas. He’ll correct that in 3 … 2 … 1 …

Apparently Bob Costas talking about guns is more disturbing than just another run-of-the-mill, garden-variety, standard murder/suicide. Bully Boy Bolling, who expresses an opinion every single day, seems to think his Constitutional Rights have been abridged because Bob Costas talked about guns. What about Bob Costas’ Constitutional Right to speak his mind, or is that only for opinions with which you agree, Bully Boy?

I always thought that Fox “News” ignorance was the building block of life. I stand corrected.

Who cares? I just want to know where’s my Monday morning cheesecake.

Who cares? I just want to know where’s my Monday morning cheesecake.

Because, as we all know, only Fox “News” is allowed to humiliate President Obama, right?

What’s amusing is this so-called “news” story is already several weeks old. I can’t understand why Fox “News” is only picking up on it now. Get this: Some blogger somewhere SPECULATED that a Pacific leader’s wife did not greet President Obama with the proper deference when bowing to him. This is another example of why Fox “News” is not “Fair and Balanced.” Never has been. Never will be.

I’ve been through the entire Kama Sutra and have yet to find the Full Combat Position.

Guns don’t kill people. Talking about guns kills people.

Guns don’t kill people. Minivans kill people.

When minivans are outlawed, only outlaws will drive minivans.

There’s a little Duke or Duchess in the oven.

Fox Nation shares a World Nut Daily dog whistle.

NEWSFLASH: Everybody are expecting them to have a baby. It would be a surprise if they had anything else.

As the week began “some people” started to ask, “Where’s KKKarl Rove?” By week’s end that question would be answered.

This was a little reported story on Fox “News.”

There are still some people who think want to kiss Norquist’s ring. Smarter people are starting to prevail.

When dolphins are outlawed, only outlaws will have dolphins.

Is Lou Dobbs still alive?

Is Pat Buchanan still alive?

This is Bob Beckel’s house. Beckel seems to think that the more Christmas lights he has on his house, the better his chances are of getting into Heaven.

The cheapest thing currently at Bill’s Historical Falafel Store is an autographed pic of Gerald Ford at $495. The most (moist?) expensive document at Bill’s Loofah Supply Shop is priced at $18,500. According to the listing:

Abraham Lincoln Autograph Letter Signed (ALS). Here Lincoln appoints a Captain to an important position in the Union Army. With the war winding down, Lincoln was still involved at all levels. This piece is in great condition and is written entirely in Lincoln’s hand. Stunning.

However, exclusively for the Aunty Em Ericann Blog readers, here’s a free look:

Add caption

 I just saved you $18,500. You’re welcome.

Why mess with success?

They’ve been hunting for Bob Costas ever since Fox “News” declared Open Season on him.

He hires elves and unicorns from Greg Gutfeld.

A totally made-up statistic.

Where’s the morning outrage, Bully Boy? You’re either mellowing, or still stunned from the election of a month ago.

Is it still open season on Bob Costas, Loofah Lad?

This headline is total bullshit. Ann Coulter had an invitation to speak. The President of Fordham expressed disappointment at the student’s pick for speaker. Student union took his advice and rescinded the invite. She’s not been banned. She has merely been disinvited, which Fox “News” and Court Juster Jesse Watters know quite well. However, it’s good bidnezz for Fox “News” to make Ann Coulter a victim of the Liberal Conspiracy.

GOP Counter-offer: Do it our way instead.

Big fucking deal!!! All discussions on Fox “News” end with me screaming exactly that.

And, yet, we’re barely seeing KKKarl Rove on the Fox “News” airwaves. It’s like they’re blaming the election on him.

When Bob Costas is outlawed, only outlaws will be Bob Costas.

When the NRA is outlawed, only outlaws will belong to the KKK.

This is not proof of anything, of course. Trayvon Martin may have thought he was fighting back against somebody who had just pulled a gun on him. Naturally he would fight back with everything he had, if that were the case.

Really, Bully Boy?

Loofah Lad had to warn his audience that the first story is not Not Safe For Work. Neither is the loofah.

Is Lyin’ Ryan still alive?

You’re such a disappointment this week, Bully Boy. Where’s all the fake vitriol?

Before this story turned tragic, Fox “News” jumped on the Bash The Nurse bandwagon.

Why? Because Michael Moore took a tax-incentive from Michigan for producing his movie in Michigan. Remember when Fox “News” attacked Mendacious Mitt Romney on his hypocritical tax policies, as he was also refusing to release his tax returns? Me neither. However, a single, one-line, throw-away mention of Michael Moore in a much longer NYT article on Michigan’s tax credits, is elevated to a national “news” story because it involves sworn-enemy Michael Moore.

When personal responsibility is outlawed, only Fox “News” will continue to avoid personal responsibility.

When ogling supermodels is outlawed, only outlaws will ogle supermodels.

It’s a graphic demonstration of the Trickle Down Economic Theory. Wait until Fox “News” discovers Ed Asner had something to do with this.

When Charles Barkley is outlawed, only outlaws will be Charles Barkley.

Ed Asner? What did he have to do with it, Scammity?

Scammity uses the time-honoure “teaser” to get people to tune in to see his phone outrage at Ed Asner.

Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

The destruction of Hurricane Sandy was so wide-spread and unprecedented. It’s going to take a VERY long time before things even seem slightly right. In the meantime, I’m sure you can always find someone who feels they are not getting the attention they deserve. That’s why Hurricane Sandy will be the gift that keeps on giving for Fox “News” for years to come.

Finally some cheesecake, but why did you make me wait until mid-week?

Because of the red and green outfits, you mean? Oh, yeah, sure. The men are looking at the colours of your outfits.

More proof that Bully Boy Bolling is trying a new antacid. He’s not waking up with the same bile he used to.

The White House is going to call it the Bob Costas Rule™.

Thus demonstrating the real Trickle Down Theory.

Oh lookie: A wacky Detroit politician said a wacky thing and Fox “News” is blowing all kinds of dog whistles.
Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

The Phony War on Christmas comes but once a year. The Phony War on Christianity is fought all the year long.

It’s still open season on Bob Costas . . .

. . . but Juan Williams is given some space for an opposing POV.
It’s amazing what bullies can get away with when they shove through legislation with no public input. Right, Bully Boy?

When hurricanes are outlawed, only outlaws will have hurricanes.

The Conspiracy Theory begins in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .

I wouldn’t trust Cheney with a flamethrower or a gun. He’s likely to shoot you in the face.

I don’t trust Chris Christie with a trouncer.

Sure, it’s fun until somebody pokes an eye out.

Is Sarah Palin, the half-governor, still an official Fox “News” Contributor, or has she been put out to pasture with KKKarl Rove and Dick Morris?

TRANSLATION: You need to think like Bill “Loofah Lad” O’Reilly and fast.

Because Muslim Christmas jokes are just another way to fight the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas.

Fox “News” will always have time for a story that bashes its arch enemy NBC.
Add caption

Yet, John Boehner refuses to specify any tax deductions he would cut, expecting President Obama to negotiate with himself.

This makes sense because denying the president what he asked for didn’t help the GOP at the polls. Give the president the reins of the economy and the GOP can run against it in 2 years. By then, he’ll own it completely.

The Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas Quiz Edition.

That’s not cheesecake!!!

A rare Saturday on Fox and Friends for Ainsley Earworm.

A rare Saturday on Fox and Friends forBully Boy Bolling, who finally arrived with some morning energy.

Clayton Morris almost always works on Saturday.

Most shared on Fox “News”??? Really?

When children are outlawed, only children will be outlaws . . . or something.

Take THAT, Bob Costa!!!

Take THAT, Gangnam Style!!!

Take THAT, Union Thugs!!!

Take THAT, Morning Zoo DJs!!!

This is the new phony bologna Conspiracy Theory from the geniuses at Breitbart.

Take THAT, Union Thugs!!! Oh! Wait!!!
However, that apology has not stopped Fox “News” from attacking Psy relentlessly.

 

Wait!!! What???
Neil Cavuto, lunacy. Make up your own jokes.

What did you have for lunch, Bully Boy?

 

No one knows more about public humiliation than Dr. Keith Ablow. He does it to himself in every Fox “News” appearance.
Modesty club? Really?
Fox “News” is blowing another dog whistle with this story. Don’t believe me, then check out the comment thread.

Fox “News” has long tried to smear Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren. This takes a few words in an email out of context in order to try and embarrass her before she’s named to any important committees.

Here are more words taken out of context by Breitbart, the web site that invented the tactic with its phony Pimp and Ho ACORN tapes.
Why that’s almost as bad as Dr. Tiller!!!
TRANSLATION: See! We told you!!!
Fox “News” has been promoting the hell out of this Neil Cavuto special on the Apollo program.
As the week ended reports came out that Fox “News” was benching KKKarl Rove and Dick Morris. They are taking the blame for the whole Fox “News” Bubble, which deluded the Reich Wing into thinking it was going to win the election in a landslide. KKKarl Rove is hoping that by being a good corporate citizen by helping Cavuto promote his Special Space Show™, he’ll be asked back to Fox “News” sooner, rather than later.

Unpacking the Aunty Em Ericann Blog

Welcome to my occasional entry of Unpacking the Aunty Em Ericann Blog, where I ask my readers to pay attention to the man behind the curtain, who used to be “Aunty Em Ericann,” the woman behind the curtain.

Before I left Canada, 7 years ago, I told several people (who may now be too embarrassed to admit to knowing me) that I was going to become a nationally-known pundit in ‘Merka under the nom de plume “Aunty Em Ericann.” To that end I created the meta-character named Aunty Em Ericann, who eventually came to write at NewsHounds. The back story for Aunty Em was deceptively simple. Here’s her biographical profile:

Emily Ericann. That’s my real name. Well it was, before I went back to my maiden name after the divorce. My ex and I were dating for 2 months before we realized that if we got married my name could be pronounced “american” (Em Ericann). After it all went bad, I realized that’s the only real reason we got married. Ironically, I am a former American. However, I lived in Canada three and a half decades and became a Canadian citizen along the way. And yet, I recently returned to The Land of My Birth to take care of my aged father. Shocked by the before and after differences in America, I will use this forum to speak out. 

Some members of the Miklós Rózsa Society. Miklós
Rózsa
is in the center. The sack of shit who hides
behind the name of Johnny Dollar is on the far left.

I got away with the nom de plume for a number of years before the two-legged piece of excrement named Johnny Dollar decided it was his mission in life to expose Aunty Em’s identity, along with my sex life. That story is outlined in Johnny Dollar Has Proven Himself To Be A Very Dangerous Person, the very first post on this blog.

However, my long-time readers already know that story. If they’ve been paying attention they also know that my Unpacking Aunty Em Ericann Blog series is merely an excuse to find clever ways to remind them to click on some of the advertising, so I can keep the Aunty Em Ericann Blog rolling. It won’t cost you anything, but will add a few pennies (and I do mean few) to my coffers, helping to support this enterprise.

I’m looking at YOU!

Meanwhile, one statistic I can access through the Blogger platform is
what search terms people have used to find their way to the Aunty Em Ericann Blog. Take a look at this chart for this week:

Top Ten search terms delivering readers to the “Aunty Em Ericann” blog this week. They all make sense except #8.

I don’t know what disturbs me the most: That this week one of the search terms that people used to arrive here was “boy staked to the ground”; that three separate people used the search term “boy staked to the ground”; or that, somehow, “boy staked to the ground” brings people to my blog, even though I’ve tried it without any luck. While I’m thinking about it, I’m not so sure of Arawak People being on this blog either.

From time to time I also like to review what my Top Ten posts are. I can see which ones are highly-rated at any given moment in time, or by the day, by the week, by the month, and of all time since the Aunty Em Ericann Blog launched.

My Top Ten most popular posts of All Time

My Top Ten Posts of All Time™ in handy clickable hypertext:

 

Click on one of the links above to read one of my Top Ten blog entries, or just go exploring from the front page. There’s guaranteed to be a story or two you like, or maybe something that merely pisses you off. However, just keep in mind that it would be a small favour to me for you to click on one of the adverts . . . or two . . . on the Aunty Em Ericann Blog.

Judge Not 8 ► Bob Costas Control

Totally unretouched pic of Judge Nap
taken directly from my tee vee set

Not even Bob Costas making an obvious statement about gun violence was enough to goose Judge “Andy” Nap’s output any higher this week. At 31 posts, Judge Nap’s bluster was only slightly higher than last week’s tally. It’s still within the margin of error, however.

TO BE FAIR: Judge Nap was not the only Fox personality to jump on Bob Costas’ gun remarks during the week; He was just the most hypocritical. Let’s get right to this exciting episode of Judge Not:

‘Like’ if you think Bob Costas is entitled to his opinion. When talking about guns is outlawed, only outlaws will talk about guns.

No basis? Should Costas have talked about garotting instead?

What if there were no more hypothetical questions? Then Judge Nap would be left with nothing but hypocritical questions.

I’m screwed. I have neither guns, nor gold. I guess I’ll be Zombie bait instead. Me and Bob Costas.

What if the right to keep and bear arms only applied to the veterans?

What if the right to keep and bear arms only applied to the TSA?

Judge Andy thinks it’s fair game to compare President Woodrow Wilson with Adolph Hitler. The Daily Caller thinks the ‘pull quote’ is fair game for the headline. Judge Nap then feels it’s fair game to pass along the Daily Caller’s interview with his brain-dead followers. That’s how the circle of life works.

I bet there are cops who want to do away with the 4th Amendment and Miranda Rights, too. Cops can say what they like, just like Bob Costas. Just because some cops want this, doesn’t mean it will happen. Just like Bob Costas. Get a grip, Judge.

Yes, Judge, the unemployment figures are terrible. Worse however, are the statistics on income inequality. A recent article in The Atlantic says income equality is worse now than in 1774. Forbes, which is clearly in the tank for the Democratic Party, has a recent article called “How Income Inequality Is Damaging the U.S.” HuffPo has two articles filled with charts that you should also read, Judge Nap. Just the other day it published “5 Ways Rising Income Inequality Kills The American Dream,” while in 2011 it published “15 Facts About U.S. Income Inequality That Everybody Should Know.” I’m sorry, Judge Andy, what were you saying about unemployment again?

However, here’s a chart you should also take a look at, Judge Nap:

I’m sorry, Judge Andy. What were you saying about unemployment again?

I’ll believe it when I see it, just like all those other Conspiracy Theories you pass along, all of which have yet to come to fruition.

That won’t fit on a bumper sticker: Judge Andy is the star with which to steer the Ship of State, which is listing badly. The problem is that Forbes is 100% serious. Pay no attention to that iceberg dead ahead.

Once again: Do I have to explain to you how this works? Police can propose, but they don’t pass the laws.

Where’s your outrage, Judge Andy? Did Arizona just hire a mercenary army to fight the War on Drugs to fill the mercenary’s for-profit jail? Isn’t that just a minor Conflict of Interest?

I thought the Republicans wanted to take the country back . . . back to the ’50s . . . the 1850s. See what I did there?

Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap?

Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap? Telling ‘Merkins what they can and cannot do in their cars?  A man’s car is his castle. His castle on wheels.

Wall Street got bailed out, but not Main Street. Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap?

Of course we can forgive Judge Nap for promoting his book . . . over and over again. One day I may even get around to reading it. How long does it take for a book like this to end up on the remaindered table?

Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap?

I though politicians were sent to Washington to get laws passed. Compromise is necessary to get that done, Judge Nap. Drawing lines in the sand is a good tactic for a schoolyard bully. Ask your buddy Bully Boy Bolling ’bout that. However, here’s what everyone needs to know: When a Fox “News” personality is giving advice to Republicans, and it happens far more often than you would think appropriate, it’s just more proof that Fox “News” is not “Fair and Balanced.” Never has been. Never will be. Thanks for playing our home game, Judge Nap.

Those are the only two choices?

This is the 3rd time this week I caught Judge Andy scare-mongering this. It must be what keeps Judge Nap awake at nights, even though he knows better.

Judge Nap wrote an article in which he argued, essentially, that Republicans are for Big Government and Democrats are for Even Bigger Government. See what he did there? A pox on all their houses.

This story is nothing more than a run-of-the-mill divorce custody battle. Like many others of this kind, it has crossed international borders. Like some others it involves a ‘Merkin serviceman. However, Fox “News” is determined to turn this family matter into a national “news” story, and Judge Andy is happy to help.

Republicans only want a government big enough to handle a uterus.

One of the biggest Senate Teabaggers is leaving the Senate to become King of the Teabaggers. How will that work out? Why let’s ask Judge Andy. Heya, Judge. What does this mean for the GOP?

Wait!!! What??? Libertarians [which are really just Teabaggers with a fancier name and less overt racism] will rejoin the disgraced GOP, pushing it even further to the right? Pass the popcorn, Judge.

This is the last book promo I will allow this week, Judge Nap.

This is the last Jim DeMint promo I will allow this week, Judge Nap.

Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap?

Where’s your outrage, Judge Nap?

By the end of the week Bob Costas was just a memory for Judge Nap. He’s now been supplanted by Black Boxes, compiled text messages, and conspiracies of Big Government.

Here’s a quote for you, Judge Nap:

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Blessed are the cheesemakers.

Me and Flo and Eddie and Mark and Howard ► A Musical Appreciation

“I’d like to clean you boys up a bit and mold you.
I believe I could make you as big as The Turtles
~~~~~Noted L.A. disc jockey

A mere 3 days ago I wrote about Frank Zappa, one of my musical heroes. Today I want to tell the story of how I met Flo & Eddie. 

I’m telling this story because I am sure Howard Kaylan left this chapter out of his forthcoming book, “Shell Shocked: My Life with the Turtles, Flo and Eddie, and Frank Zappa, etc.” That’s why it has been left to me to tell the unabridged story. Get comfortable, kiddies.

Three days ago, when writing about the Zappa LP Freak Out, I said: 

Not to brag, but I was there from the beginning. I discovered Frank
Zappa some time in 1966 when I first set eyes on the cover of Freak Out
at my local Kresge’s record department. As one descended on the
escalator into the basement, a gap opened in the wall revealing Kresge’s
2-rack record department. The farther one descended, more of the record
department was revealed in the expanding triangle of the record
department. As teens we’d crane our heads into that crack to see what
was new each week.

One day in 1966 my eyes spied what was the ugliest record cover I had ever seen. I had to own it.

Inside the gatefold cover of Freak Out was a quote — almost a throw-away line inside a cover jam-packed with words and collages — from a “Noted L.A. disc jockey” who said about The Mothers of Invention, “I’d like to clean you boys up a bit and mold you. I believe I could make you as big as The Turtles“.

Clearly Frank Zappa had other ideas about that. In less than 5 years, Zappa would co-opt The Turtles and hire Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan — the former-lead singers of The Turtles — as vocalists for the Mothers.

Unfortunately, Mark and Howard had signed the worst record contract in all of show biz, or so it seemed. Not only were they prevented by White Whale Records from using the name of their former-group, which no longer existed, they were also prevented from using their real names. That’s why, and how, Mark and Howard became The Phlorescent Leech and Eddie, which was shortened to Flo & Eddie. That name appealed to me because it’s a pun: A river can flow and eddy.

Flo & Eddie appeared for the first time on a Zappa LP with Chunga’s Revenge.

I want to take you all the way back to the mid-to-late ’70s, before the earth had cooled, or warmed, or the climate had changed, or something.

I no longer lived in Detroit. I now lived in Toronto and worked at the best record store in the city, Round Records on Bloor Street. I was still a Zappa fan, as the Mothers seemed to get uglier and uglier. I naturally followed the Zappa arc of LPs that started with Chunga’s Revenge and ended with the movie 200 Motels, all which featured Flo & Eddie on lead vocals. The entire theme of the Flo and Eddie Mothers’ Years is that “touring can make you crazy” and who would know that better than those two guys who had a hit single on the charts — WITH A BULLET!

Who knows how long Flo & Eddie might have stayed with Zappa had it not been for that disastrous 1971 European tour? After the episode that spawned the song “Smoke on the Water,” the band was stuck in Europe with several more concerts on the tour and all their equipment destroyed by fire. Frank took a vote and the band wanted to continue the tour, even if it meant on borrowed, inferior, equipment. At the very next gig, at the Rainbow, a deranged fan pulled Frank Zappa offstage into the orchestra pit. He sustained terrible injuries, which ended the tour and Flo & Eddie’s participation with Frank Zappa.

However, Flo & Eddie started to release records on their own, which were just as terrific as The Turtles or Mothers records. I started following Flo & Eddie and had several of their records, which is why, when Mark Volman & Howard Kaylan walked into Round Records, I turned to the rest of the staff and said, “They’re all mine!”

Round Records was the last real alternative record store (remember those
black things?) in Toronto. How Flo & Eddie had heard about us I
don’t know, but when they walked in the door I recognized them
immediately. I already knew the broad outline of their entire career up to that point.

So, I just acted cool behind the counter and gave Flo & Eddie about 15 or 20 minutes to browse. I watched them collect more and more records under their arms. The waiting was killing me! When they finally had about 15 or 20 LPs under their arms, I approached and asked if I could help them.

[Approximating and paraphrasing the conversation.]

“We’d like to take these records,” says Mark.

“Okay, I’ll ring them up.”

“No, you don’t understand.  We’d like to take these records.”

Wait!!! What???

They explain how they’ve been hired to give record reviews on a new Cee Bee Cee tee vee show, “90 Minutes Live,” with Peter Gzowski and just want to borrow the records for a day.

Peter Gzowski: A face for radio.

I have to explain this show for ‘Merkins. When CBC decided to launch a program to go up against Johnny Carson (really!) they chose Canada’s most respected RADIO broadcaster, Peter Gzowski. Peter’s radio show was a wonder. Altho’ broadcast across the nation, Gzowski had the warmth and empathy of a man sitting at your kitchen table, talking with the luminaries of the day. His show was a National Conversation, an institution. This Country in the Morning and, later, Morningside were a very big part of the fabric of Canadian society. Nothing like it exists in the U.S. of A.

When Cee Bee Cee tee vee turned to Gzowski to host 90 Minutes Live it turned, as the old joke goes, to someone who truly had a face for radio.  Not that he was ugly or anything, but no matter how much CBC cleaned Gzowski up for the camera, he still came across looking somewhat like a rumpled bed.  90 Minutes Live might have been a great show, if you closed your eyes.

Gzowski eventually went back to radio.

To recap: Flo & Eddie have this gig at The Cee Bee Cee and they want to borrow the records overnight. For some stupid reason I said I had to check with my boss, who was at lunch at the time. However, I guaranteed them that I’d have the records at the studio on Yonge Street by showtime.

My boss thought I was an idiot for not turning over $100.00 of records to Flo & Eddie on nobody’s say-so. No matter because, at the appointed time, I showed up at the CBC studio with a stack of records under my arm. My name was on a guest list. I handed over the LPs and I was shown a place just off-camera to watch the show.

I wish I could remember the records being reviewed. Some of the LPs were highly praised and some were trashed. I cringed as I watched those records that didn’t get the Flo & Eddie Seal of Approval™ get flung across the studio. YIKES! I have to try and sell those tomorrow! I do remember them as being very funny and not letting Peter get a word in edgewise.

At the end of the segment the albums were collected and handed back to me and none’s the wiser.

The show only lasted 2 years, but it became routine for me to take a stack of records to the Cee Bee Cee to get thrown around by Flo & Eddie. And that, kiddies, is how I met Flo & Eddie.

Montgomery Bus Boycott ► Nostalgia Ain’t What It Used To Be

Dateline December 5, 1955 – Rosa Parks and E.D. Nixon began the Montgomery Bus Boycott. It lasted for just over one year. 

This is something that happened within my lifetime. It’s not all that long ago: a mere 57 years.

The Montgomery Bus Boycott didn’t end racism, of course. It’s just not institutionalized and is far less overt. Hell, President Obama’s reelection hasn’t ended racism. It’s just done through dog whistles these days.

Some years later my father had a store on 12th Street in Detroit, the city to which Parks had moved in 1957. Twelfth Street was at the epicenter of the 1967 riot and was eventually renamed Rosa Parks Boulevard.

Rosa Parks died in Detroit on October 24, 2005.

Further reading:

Unpacking My Detroit; Part Five ► The Detroit Riots

Frank Zappa ► A Musical Appreciation

Dateline December 4 – On this day in 1971 Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention were on stage in Montreax, Switzerland when the casino caught fire. The night was immortalized in Deep Purple’s song “Smoke on the Water.” On the same date 22 years later Frank Zappa died of prostate cancer.

The ugliest LP cover I had ever seen.
I had to own it.

Not to brag, but I was there from the beginning. I discovered Frank Zappa some time in 1966 when I first set eyes on the cover of Freak Out at my local Kresge’s record department. As one descended on the escalator into the basement, a gap opened in the wall revealing Kresge’s 2-rack record department. The farther one descended, more of the record department was revealed in the expanding triangle of the record department. As teens we’d crane our heads into that crack to see what was new each week.

One day in 1966 my eyes spied what was the ugliest record cover I had ever seen. I had to own it.

It was a double-record set in a gatefold cover, among the first for a Rock and Roll LP. The music was also a revelation. One LP was all Doo Wop, but done in a slightly demented style, as opposed to straight up. The other LP contained longer songs and musical collages that were NOTHING like demented Doo Wop, but were demented all the same. I became an instant fan and followed Frank Zappa’s career, like a lemming follows whatever a lemming follows, ever since.

When I signed up I didn’t realize that by the time it was over I’d have collected some 90 albums, many of them double and triple sets, making Frank Zappa one of the most prolific artists/composers/Rock musicians of the 20th Century. However, I wasn’t a fan because he was prolific. I was a fan because he made great music. Here’s just a small taste of what Frank Zappa composed and released. Enjoy.

Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 28

Bizarro is owned by DC Comics

The only thing that separates Fox “News” World from Bizarro World is the fact that Bizarro World is a totally made up place. Oh! Wait! So is Fox “News” World. Let me try that again.

The only thing that separates Fox “News” World from Bizarro World is the fact that Bizarro World is a totally made up world of pen and ink. Try doing that, Steve Doocy!

The Fox “News” Spin Cycle is a leisure time activity of the Aunty Em Ericann Blog. Let’s get right to it, shall we?

Hey! Where’s my Monday morning cheesecake?

Hey! Where’s my Monday morning cheesecake? Or the faux outrage of Bully Boy Braggadocio?

The best Fox “News” Freak Out of the Week™: Comedian Jamie Foxx referred to President Obama as “our Lord and Savior” [sic] at the Soul Train Awards on BET. Remembering Jesus Christ’s advice to “turn the other cheek,” Fox “News” spent multiple segments attacking Jamie Foxx. Then Glenn Beck to put an Obama bobblehead doll in a mason jar of urine and the world changed forever. Congratulations to Jamie Foxx for finding a way to make Right Wing Religious Nuts go crazy.

Bully Boy Bolling is just another Right Wing Religious Nut to go crazy. Congratulations, Jamie Foxx, for getting Bully Boy Bolling to display faux outrage.

Then Fox “News” blew its online dog whistle, knowing exactly what would happen. Remembering Jesus Christ’s advice to “turn the other cheek,” all the rabid Fox “News” Religious Nuts went crazy and posted some of the most amazingly racist comments. Congratulations, Jamie Foxx, you showed them all up for what they really are.

The Republicans lost the election. Any further intrasigence will only make them look more foolish and petty than they already do. That’ll make the 2014 elections very interesting.

Two things: 1). Kraut the Hammer did not make a fool out of him; 2). Mark Shields is not a “Lib Columnist.”

Old Stupid White Men! Mendacious Mitt had the Old Stupid White Men vote all sewn up.

Only at Fox “News” could they deny that the Republicans had a War on Women, and then suddenly promote this absurd article that promulgates the concept that women have a War on Men. That’s why it’s Bizarro World, folks.

Where’s all your faux righteous indignation, Bully Boy? 

When pig racing is outlawed, only outlaws will race pigs.

Tim Allen made the same kind of joke about taxes that every comedian has made since taxes were levied. That’s why Fox “News” needed to turn it into a national news story. 

More sore losers.

Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

Here’s the cheesecake!!! Why’d you make me wait until Tuesday morning?

Here’s the faux outrage cheesecake!!! Why’d you make me wait until Tuesday morning, Bully Boy?

Comedy gold: Send Jesse Watters out with a video camera and get him to ask stupid questions of stupid people. Then edit the 4 hours of video into the silliest 2 minutes and thirty seconds in which everyone looks even stupider than Jesse Watters. It can’t miss.

She’s upset the president is not dropping water off at her house ever day. This is also an example of how Fox “News” will use anyone’s pain if they can turn it into attacking President Obama. We saw it with the attack in Benghazi and we are seeing it with the clean-up with Hurricane Sandy.

Shep Smith is the most “fair and balanced” personality in the Fox “News” Bizarro World and yet even he must understand that asking this question of the brain-dead Fox “News” audience will only elicit a slanted response.

New regulations? Be afraid!!! Ne very afraid!!!

And yet it’s still the worst show on tee vee since “My Mother The Car,”which Loofah Lad viewers previously voted the worst show on tee vee.

Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!! The “fiscal cliff” isn’t a cliff at all, but Fox “News” wants you to fear it anyway.

Nothing is going to make these Three Stooges move off their Fox “News” created attack of the U.N. Ambassador.

They were just trying to see who had the most orange skin colour. Once again John Boehner wins in a landslide.

What Laura Ingraham won’t tell you: Mendacious Mitt Romney was the Number One Least Influential Person in 2012.

TRANSLATION: I’m quitting before they fire me for my atrocious ratings.

And, as soon as Fox “News” tells them what they are, they can tell Fox “News” which questions Ambassador Rice left unanswered.

Someone told me the twice-married, twice-divorced Catholic Kimberly Guilfoyle was also once a Victoria’s Secret model. That’s got ot be from an Onion article, right?

TRANSLATION: We hate it when the president uses the Bully Pulpit against us.

Because we all know how “Fair & Balanced” she can be.

The Republicans don’t need the presidents help.

Wednesday cheesecake.

Fill in the blank? No ideas of your own for faux outrage, Bully Boy?

Just like clockwork: Fox “News” heats up its annual Phony War on Christmas.

President Obama outlined his plan and ran the election on it. What’s the GOP plan, other than obstreperousness?

There’s the faux outrage I’ve been looking for. Really, Bully boy? You were shocked? You, who called President Obama a “thug”? You who said the president had been pounding back 40s with gold-toothed criminals in the “hizzy house”? Yet, calling Lindsey Graham a woman shocked you, Bully Boy? Get a grip.

So far, it’s not been much of a cover-up because every Fox “News” created Benghazi Lie has fallen apart.

Smile for the camera!

Smile for the camera!

Smile for the camera!

Smile for the camera!

Smile for the camera! A very funny interview in which Loofah Lad loses his cool and calls the atheist a Fascist because he wants Christmas and religion to be taken out of the public sphere. This is also the first time The Falafel King advanced his new specious and spurious claim that The War on Christmas is really a War on Philosophy because Christianity [Are you ready?] is not a religion, it’s a philosophy. Have you ever heard such crazy shit it your life? Me neither. Not since the last time when Loofah Lad said, “Tides go in. Tides go out. Never a miscommunication” as his proof of God’s continued existence.

This is the same video as before, but now it’s labeled “cruelest man alive.”

We really have to talk about what’s considered acceptable cheesecake, Ainsley Earworm.

Nobody’s meddling with Christmas, Loofah Lad. People just want it to be kept out of the public sphere. Have whatever kind of Christmas you like. Just keep it out of my face.

Boom!

Boom!

Boom!

Sean Scammity plays with a loaded deck that contains nothing but Race Cards. Sean Scammity has been playing the Race Card against President Obama for more than 4 years, but he’s going to attack MSNBC for pointing out the obvious.

I guess it would be churlish of me to suggest that President Dubya had already taken about a year off by this point in his administration, right?

Carrying the Fox “News” Phony War on Christmas to ridiculous extremes.

Even a broken clock is right some times.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT KIND OF FRIDAY TO HAVE!!! How’s that for faux outrage, Bully Boy?

I don’t want to take anything away from Officer DePrimo’s wonderful act of kindness. However, I couldn’t help but laugh as they started this interview, long after the officer was seated next to Steve Doocy during the commercial, how Doocy had to make a big ON AIR show of shaking the officer’s hand. Watch Doocy’s face during the interview. He’s clearly in love with Officer Larry DePrimo and wants to be able to get a room together, I’m sure.

But, Steve Doocy will have to settle for a picture. I wonder if Doocy had a body part autographed, though.

Steve Doocy going all “Fan Boy” on Officer DePrimo also appealed to a Fox “News” producer.

Dr. K is Kraut the Hammer.

Grover Norquist is still flapping his gums and Fox “News” is stil treating him like he matters, even though the GOP is leaving him behind.

ZAKLY!!! Get out of the way and let the President be President.

Why are the Republicans acting like they won the election?

I’m hoping you, and all your other little Fox “News” buddies, will provide endless faux outrage today.

It’s hard to work up any faux outrage over that.

Now you’re talking!!! Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

It’s hard to work up any faux outrage over that.

Now you’re talking!!! Be afraid!!! Be very afraid!!!

Guns don’t kill people. Fooball kills people. And come next Monday Bob Costas will be the most hated man on Fox “News” after the treatment you and Fox and Friends give him.

Dunno, why don’t you tell us, Loofah Lad.

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

“Quick! How can we blame this on President Obama?

I’ll give you a tip: Stop lying to your brain-dead viewers.

That’s a full day for anybody, Bully Boy. However, there’s always time for faux outrage. What would EricChase say?

And remember: You can probably always buy it from the cameramen.

This is rich. I’ll save you the trouble of clicking through because NPR didn’t really say it. NPR merely quoted another piece of idiocy from Allen West. Soon-to-be-ex-Florida Rep. West said that both he and Abraham Lincoln were one term Congressmen. Isn’t that precious?

And, sadly, that’s how the week ended: with a whimper from what had been one of the more blustery members of the House. Fox “News” could barely muster the faux outrage, even though there was nudity and Christmas trees under attack. However, there’s 3 more weeks to ramp up the Phony War on Christmas. That never fails to bring the faux outrage.

Judge Not 7 ► This Week’s Libertarian Lie

Unretouched pic of Judge Andy from my tee vee screen

Another week has passed, as has some more hot air from our favourite Libertarian, Judge “Andy” Andrew Napolitano, the resident Fox “News” Senior Judicial Analyst and Scaremonger.

I’m doing the best that I can, but once again Judge Nap fell down on his end of the bargain. I was only able to collect 27 posts from the Laughing Libertarian this week, which makes it that much harder to bring the Fox “News” Snark. However, it also makes it that much faster to compile Judge Not.

I need to take the good with the bad. So do you. Here’s this week’s Judge Not.

Taxation can only be theft or slavery? Those are our only choices, Judge? What about the price of living in a free country? Notice that this is how Judge Nap chooses to promote his own his book. This is not merely publisher’s publicity bumph. He really believes that shit.

I’d sign a petition to outlaw lies on so-called “news” networks like the one they have in Canada. Are you with me, Judge? Judge? Are you there? Whaddaya say? No more lies?

Because asking millionaires and billionares to chip in a little more is tantamount to theft or slavery. Right, Judge?

As we have discussed before, Judge Nap: facebook is a private company and can do what it wants. Mostly it reacts to user complaints and some faceless bureaucrat is forced to make a snap decision, some of which are just plain wrong. So, whaddaya wanna do about it, Judge?

An interesting question: Can parents violate the privacy rights of their own children? Judge Nap seems to think it’s boilerplate unconstitutional. I think it’s a question worth exploring.

Because we all know that President Obama is coming for your guns. Just ask Bully Boy Bolling.

Because a pledge to Grover Norquist is more important than his pledge to the Senate and/or his constituents.

One school district in FloriDuh has instituted a unique way to charge students for lunch. Judge Nap wants you to believe it’s the first step towards One World Government™. Next they will be installing RFID chips in newborns and in the upper arms of those who won’t willingly go off to the FEMA detention camps.

At the beginning of the week Judge Nap was calling this bill and end to our liberties and freedoms, even though the lawmaker who wrote it debunked that notion LAST WEEK. It’s not just that Judge Nap was wrong about this proposed law, but he was “fiery” wrong. The law that was passed was the EXACT opposite of what Judge Andy claimed.

Sometimes Fox “News” brings Judge Andy silly questions and he always seems willing to pick the low-hanging fruit.

Let’s start with education and prisons and then . . . Wait!!! What??? They already have? Never mind. 

This was debunked almost immediately. However, that didn’t stop Judge Nap from passing it along to his brain-dead followers. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if this gives Loofah Lad at Fox “News,” whose corporate parent hacked into a dead girl’s cell phone, a whole new idea for news gathering. No longer will The Falafel King have to send Jesse Watters out with a camera to follow and ambush people on vacation. He’ll just use the Fox “News” drone that Roger Ailes is buying.

Many of the secessionist comments I have read online were clearly racist. However, the general idea of Secession is not racist, just the sign of a sore loser. Are you a racist or a sore loser, Judge? Where do you stand?
Oh, Canada! Canada also has that dreaded Socialism of Universal Health Care. Now THAT’S Freedom!

Whatever happened to the right to be told the truth by a so-called “news” channel? Oh! That’s right! There is no right to the truth from a so called “news” station. Wanna start a petition with me, Judge Nap? We can model it after the Canadian law. Then we’ll do the same with Health Care. Whaddaya say, Judge Nap?

Let’s talk about drone strikes, Judge Nap. While I find them troubling, what would you do?

Wait!!! What??? Isn’t this the bill you were claiming at the beginning of the week would be the end of all of our rights and freedoms? However, it says the EXACT opposite of what you claimed, Judge Andy. Why is that?

A bit of return snark: Which freedom of yours has the government molested, Judge Nap? Name one.

By the end of the week Judge Andy is praising the bill he was against at the beginning of the week, even though his interpretation of the law was debunked by the lawmaker who wrote it last week. Way to flip flop, Judge Nap. Next Fox “News” will credit its opposition as having saved the day for Truth, Justice and the ‘Merkin Way™.

This is the opening line of a piece of poetry Judge Andy is working on. I can’t wait until it becomes a sentence.

Then shave your mustache; it makes you look like a ’80s porn star. Personally I think it’s HIGH-LARRY-US that Judge Andy identifies with a thoroughly dislikable sitcom character enough to pass along the stupid shit the character says.

Inflation anyone?

I guess that makes me a slave. I guess I have been a slave my entire life. Thanks for opening my eyes to my shackles, Judge Nap.

WE GET LETTERS: I was asked why the tallies in the early paragraphs of Judge Not do not match the posts below. It’s because I cull duplicates and those that are not snarkable (such as soldier’s suicides). Also to my OTHER correspondent: It’s not a conspiracy if I don’t use every one of Judge Andy’s posts. I may not even see all of his posts. I am not in front of my conputer 24 hours a day, even though it sometimes seems like it.

Don’t forget to join us next week for another exciting episode of Judge Not. Now, everybody
D A N C E ! ! !

Unpacking The Writer ► First In A New Series

I started my professional career on a machine like this.
I still bang my keyboard as if it’s a manual typewriter
and I wear off the most used letters within a year.

Welcome to the inaugural post of a new, occasional blog series that will look into the machinations of being a professional writer. Pay attention to the man behind the curtain.

Last night I found dozens of files in a folder that was buried inside a folder, which was nested in another folder, that was interred deeply on the hard drive of my computer. I didn’t realize I was still lugging this stuff around. It’s not all that heavy.

It’s a strange melange of files and contains a lot of crap, but there’s also some wonderful stuff that would be called ephemera, if it were actually printed on paper. Some of it’s fascinating; some is dross. There are angry letters, email from the early ’90s, query letters to editors, articles I clipped and saved, research links, sketches for short stories, articles I started writing “on spec” but never found a place to publish, and some files that I don’t even remember how they got there or who wrote them.

Included are several early drafts of published articles. Like the one below. This article was originally published by Hamilton Magazine and was a lot of fun to write. At the time I was fairly new to Hamilton, Ontario, and knew almost nothing of its history. Consequently, then entire article had to be researched extensively. Before it could be narrowed down to 50 items, I had to come up with a list of some 100 items, which me and an editor whittled down. The file is named DRAFT 15. There still would have been changes and corrections made before
it was published [and I see a few I would make], but
this is the version that was approved and for which I finally
got paid. I am publishing it as is. However, I added the illustrations, a few hyperlinks, and a couple of writer’s notes that I couldn’t resist.

Since Hamilton Magazine is not using it any longer, I will. I presume the copyright has reverted back to me by now. If not: Oh well.

  

Hamilton Magazine’s
Silver Anniversary
25 Years to Remember & Forget

It’s been a wild ride.

From good to bad and back again, Hamilton
Magazine has been there.
It’s not been all Sterling Silver. Some of
it has been merely Silver-Plated. A lot of it was steel. From polluted air and
harbours to the comeback of Cootes Paradise. From Opening
Nights to Closing Days. From Mayor Jack MacDonald to
the dawn of Morrow to Mayor Rob Wade. Disasters.
Parks. Eateries.
When an anniversary rolls around, it’s hard
not to get a little nostalgic and want to look back. So indulge and forgive
Hamilton Magazine if we reminisce on the last two and a half decades and
commemorate moments worthy of distinction – and some we would just as soon
forget. Which we plan to do, as soon as we get it out of our
system.
Your own mileage may vary.

1.     
OUR COPPS IS TOPPS: There may be no
bigger booster of Hamilton
than Sheila Copps, Liberal MP for Hamilton East and daughter to the city’s
second longest-serving mayor Victor. Sitting in cabinet in Ottawa variously as Deputy Prime Minister,
Environment Minister, and of late, Heritage Minister, she has been quick to
find and send federal money our way. Her defenders say that because she’s a
smart, confident and outspoken woman, she threatens the male power structure
and that’s the reason she gets a bad rap. From the first Copps hasn’t allowed
the sexist baiting to get the best of her. When, as new MPP at Queen’s Park
she was directed to “go back to the kitchen” she responded by presenting the
offender an autographed Liberal cookbook. She’s thrown her hat in the ring to
be the next Leader of the Liberal party and, if something happens to the Paul
Martin juggernaut, the former Rat Packer could become our next Prime
Minister.

  1. COPPS AN ATTITUDE: Sheila Copps has not always brought welcome press and been a
    positive ambassador for Hamilton.
    In her various squabbles at Queens
    Park and
    Parliament, she has variously been described as “the Princess of
    Innuendo,” “yattering,” “Goddamn ignorant
    bitch” (by former-Burlington Tory MP Bill Kempling),
    “baby,” and “slut” (again by Kempling). A
    constant knock against “Tequila Sheila” is that she’s shrill. And, no,
    it’s not just a gender thing. Women feel that way too. Even Sheila. In
    January of ’73, she admitted “Because I am a woman, my vocal cords
    tighten up when I get excited and I sound shrill.”

    Her defenders say a male politician would never be subjected to scrutiny
    by Blackwell, but that didn’t stop the fashion maven from declaring,
    “Her hair would look good on a man” and “As a fashion statement, she’s
    zero.”

    Sheila Copps with the recently
    deceased Lincoln Alexander.

    For better or worse, she’s our Sheila Copps.

2.     
SEASONS IN THE SUN: In 1986,
Hamiltonians celebrate as the Tiger Cats humiliate the Edmonton Eskimos, by a
score of 39-15, to take home the Grey Cup.

Thirteen years later: The Ti-Cats do it all over again, trouncing the Calgary
Stampeders 32-21 to the delight of 1999 fans.

  1. SEASONS IN THE
    SHADE:
    Could the worst Ti-Cat season be 1989
    when, at the end of their best season on record (12 wins), they lost the
    Grey Cup to Saskatchewan by  a
    field goal in a 43 to 40 game (which, incidentally, still holds the
    record for the most points ever scored in a Grey Cup game)? Or, could it
    be the 1998 season, when the Ti-Cats lost another Grey Cup to Calgary by the
    narrower margin of 26 to 24? Was it possibly the dismal ‘97 season, when
    the Ti-Cats finished the year with only 2 wins and a whopping 16 losses?
    Or, could it be the entirety of The Ballard Years (1978 -1989), when King
    Harold of Hockey ruled the team? You decide.
Martin Short (on the right) with Eugene Levy

3.     
HAMMER & NAILS: There’s a game Hamiltonians
love to play. With great pride we will point to those local guys and gals who
have made good on the world stage. At the drop of a hat we will list their
accomplishments and their entire CVs.

It is always with great pride we note Martin Short and Eugene Levy are from
Hamilton, both graduates of Westdale
High School. Working
together, they gave us the brilliant SCTV Comedy Network and a hilarious mockumentary
called The Canadian Conspiracy, about how Canadian comedians are taking over
the United States.
This duo also appears together in Father of the Bride, Parts I and II, both
box office bonanzas.  Separately they have
appeared in such masterful comedic fare as “Primetime Glick”,
Mumford, Mars Attacks!, ¡Three Amigos!, “Saturday Night Live”, Best
in Show, American Pie, Waiting for Guffman, The
Last Polka, Splash, and Tears Are Not Enough.

If it were just these two Distinguished Canadians, Hamilton could simply rest on those
laurels. However, we also want to claim Ivan Reitman, who discovered his
ability to direct movies while at McMaster
University.

Two pairs of sibs are also embraced by The Hammer: Gema Zamprogna (Felicity, Road to Avonlea) and Dominic Zamprogna (Edgemont, The Boy’s Club) F/x2) are making
inroads in the acting profession, while Ian and Dave Thomas took separate
roads; one a musician/songwriter, the other a comedian also coming out of
SCTV.

If that were not enough we can also lay claim to Roberta Bondar
(another McMaster grad), who has explored Outer Space and Daniel Lanois who has probed the Inner Spaces of music.

Still on the musical front, Hamilton
also claims Lorraine Segato (Parachute Club), who
grew up on the Mountain and Tom Wilson (Junkhouse
and Blackie and the Rodeo Kings), who may never grow up, hopefully.

Ivan Reitman (on the right) with Raffi?
Do parents hold it against Daniel Lanois for Raffi?
  1. SCREWS:  Do we really want to
    claim Reitman? As a director he helped Eugene Levy perpetrate Cannibal
    Girls and also brought us such disasters as Kindergarten Cop and the more
    recent Evolution.

    Or even Short and Levy for that matter. They’ve given us such turkeys as
    Clifford, Pure Luck, Josie and the Pussycats, Holy Man, Speed Zone!,
    Armed and Dangerous, and Going Berserk.

    Even Lanois is suspect. To all those parents
    who were tortured by hours of Raffi, it is
    only fair to point out that Lanois was both
    engineer and musician on many of those releases.

    [Writer’s note: It’s always fun when one
    can work a friend into an article. I’ve
    known Lorraine Segato for what seems
    like centuries. We were in college together
    and, as station manager, I gave her a radio show on Radio Sheridan at Sheridan College in Oakville, Ontario. I have followed her career ever since.]


4.     
FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH: To celebrate Hamilton’s 1996 Sesquicentennial, the city decides to
restore the beautiful old Victorian fountain – condemned and removed in the
‘50s – to Gore Park. The spire and top bowl of the
original fountain were slated to be installed in Sam Laurence
Park at the top of the
Jolley Cut, until the new proposal is passed. As with anything involving Gore Park
after the Chainsaw Massacre [see # 4 to the right] the plan was mired in
controversy. Eventually, the more favoured spot, both politically and
architecturally, in the middle of Hughson
Street, intersecting the park, was rejected by
the public in favour of putting the fountain right back where it had been 40
years earlier.

  1. THEY PAVED PARADISE: The darkest
    day in downtown is, without a doubt, June 18, 1983 in what has thereafter
    been known as The Gore Park Chainsaw Massacre. Century old trees are
    hacked to the ground to make way for a snack bar, amphitheatre, and
    other projects. By the time the construction dust settled in October
    (and only after the city issued a Stop Work Order), it was decided to
    tear down the half-finished new structures and re-landscape the park
    under a brand new master plan. In the interim, we were left with little
    more than a construction site in the downtown core for well over a year.
    After the usual calls to fire city employees, and a decision not to hold
    a Public Inquiry, it turns out city politicians had been asleep at the
    switch and no one knew what the plan had been before the Parks
    Department ordered in the chainsaws. Taxpayers were on the hook for all
    the changes – and the changes to the changes – but no amount of money –
    only time –will bring back the old growth in the park.
5.     
AN ENDANGERED SPECIES: It is now the
last of its kind in Hamilton,
but when the Westdale Theatre opened in September of 1935 the printed program
proudly proclaimed it had been built with local labour and local materials. By
today’s standards its one, large screen – and 490 seats – harkens back to a
simpler time – a time when an evening out began with a boisterous rendition
of God Save the King and closed the same way.

Opening night at the Westdale was no different. In between was a speech by
city controller F. F. Trealeven, followed by a
colour travelogue of Los Angeles.
Before the Intermission the audience was treated to a Charlie Chase comedy
short. After the intermission came the main feature: “Dance Band,” starring
Charles “Buddy” Rogers.
(Rogers was known as “America’s Boyfriend,” and the following year, would
marry Mary Pickford, a former-Torontonian called “America’s Sweetheart.” They would
remain devoted to each other until her death in 1979. See? A much simpler
time.)

During the last 25 years, when other movie palaces were bulldozed to make way
for today’s Multi-Plex Modernity, the Westdale has
stood proudly, if a little threadbare, as one of the great examples of the
intersection between Art and Commerce.

  1. WATER, WATER
    EVERYWHERE:
    The Great Flood of January 2003
    can be looked at as a cautionary tale of how budget cuts due to
    amalgamation could turn around and bite us when we least expect it.
    Residents along Herkimer and Charlton West were rudely awakened by the
    sound of rushing water, in many cases rushing right into their basements
    by the force of the raging water blowing in the windows. As water always
    does, it worked its way to low ground, mirroring the path of an ancient
    streambed, which had long since been covered over by development.

    When the waters finally receded untold dollars of damage were being
    added up, home owners fought with insurance companies and no one would
    ever look at Hamilton’s crumbling infrastructure the same way again.

    [Writer’s note: I lived on Charlton West during the Great Flood of Oh Three.]

6.     
CHILD’S PLAY: The opening of the
Hamilton Children’s Museum on July
22, 1978 created a world-class retreat for families and
classrooms in the heart of Gage
Park. Which is ironic
considering the original name of the house was The Retreat. The Gage Family
left Jubilee Farm to the city and the red brick house they built about 1875
was always called The Retreat. The Hamilton Children’s Museum is second only
to Dundurn Castle for the number of yearly visitors.

  1. NO MORE RAIN: The Earthsong Festival banner
    waived for a magical decade over Princess Point in picturesque Cootes
    Paradise. The official reason for the failure of Earthsong
    was reduced funding. However, there was also some talk the festival was
    hard on the fragile environment of Cootes Paradise and Westdale
    residents complained long and loud about congestion and litter. No
    matter what the reasons, when Earthsong ended Hamilton lost a
    wonderful multi-ethnic celebration, but many people remember the smells
    of the ethnic food wafting over Princess Point.
7.     
SUBURBAN RENEWAL: The first shovel of
dirt should be turned any day now on what will become the Red Hill Expressway.
Mountaineers have long complained how hard it is to get on and off the
escarpment and this roadway will ease the pain. When it will be finished is
anyone’s guess.
  1. SUBURBAN RUIN: A highway rammed through the pastoral Red Hill
    Valley is
    something environmentalists want to stop at any cost. They say the Red
    Hill Expressway is a mistake still on the drawing board that’s not too
    late to cancel.

8.     
PARADISE FOUND: Cootes Paradise, which
straddles Hamilton and Burlington,
is as beautiful a spot as anywhere in Canada. All through its long
history, it has remained undeveloped by either housing or commerce, but that
didn’t stop it from becoming polluted. In the last 25 years, Cootes Paradise
has been brought back from the brink by many projects, spearheaded by the
RBG, the Bay Area Restoration Council (BARC), and various local environment
groups. Now one can see rare egrets in the bay. The blue heron are back.
Swans regularly use the inner bay for nesting. An estimated 14-16 million
fish can be found in the western end of Cootes. Pollution is down, although
not out, and the system of trails criss-crossing Cootes Paradise makes for
one of the nicest walks anywhere in Hamilton.
When in the thick of Cootes it’s easy to forget you are surrounded by two
major cities. It just feels so remote.

  1. DOWNTOWN IN DECLINE: The collapse of downtown Hamilton happened over a period of
    time and came in stages. Among the contributing factors:

    When Jackson Square opened it pulled people off King Street, which hurt area
    businesses.

    In the economic downturn of the ‘80s, businesses closed their downtown
    offices, leading to fewer customers, leading to more storefronts being
    shuttered.

    Eaton’s, the anchor store in City Centre closed.

    Still fewer customers at Jackson
    Square so most of the chains started
    closing in the downtown mall.

    Shopping habits moved to the new suburbs and the Big Box Stores. What
    was once a burgeoning downtown is now just an economic shadow of its
    former self.

9.     
GOING TO POT?: Marijuana activists
Michael Baldarsaro, 53, and Walter Tucker, 69, have
been battling the marijuana laws of the country since founding the Church of the Universe on September 11, 1982. Their nascent religion claims marijuana
as a sacrament and it’s been getting those wacky boys in trouble ever since.
With the Feds promising to decriminalize the country’s marijuana laws, it
appears Baldarsaro and Tucker were way ahead of
their time. As prescient as they may have been, it’s hard not to laugh at
their antics. Like the time they were busted for sending Health Minister Alan
Rock a baggie of their best to test for medical marijuana trials or the
various times one of them has run for mayor. In fact, in the next municipal
election Baldarsaro was first at the gate to
register to run. That’s dedication. Whether you are outraged or just think
they are simply outrageous, darling, there’s no denying The Church of the
Universe is always good for a laugh.

  1. A NEW YORK STATE OF MIND: In
    a misguided attempt to create an entrance corridor into Hamilton, the city
    expropriated businesses and homes along York Street, stretching from
    Dundurn to Bay, including historic homes at 518 and 555-7 York Street. More than 210
    business owners and residents – incorporating 111 properties – are
    relocated. Those businesses that could not afford to relocate closed
    outright. Widening York
    Street did create a corridor into the city,
    but the grand urban renewal projects slated for along the boulevard
    never materialized and a local neighbourhood is decimated by the
    wrecker’s ball.
10.  A BLOOMING GOOD TIME: Small thing also serve to beautify a city. The Keep Hamilton
Blooming campaign, run by Hamilton City Parks and Recreation Department,
matches companies and individuals to streetscapes and medians. This match
results in annuals and perennials being planted along Hamilton streets, which bloom throughout
the warm season. A beautiful thing indeed.

Alas, this program is being threatened by the budget cuts forced by
amalgamation. In another 25 years, we may see this topic on the other side of
the ledger.

  1. URBAN URINE: Another dark day for downtown came when the Comfort Station
    below Gore
    Park was flushed
    away, despite it having received 1981’s coveted “Best Public Washroom”
    award from Today Magazine. The decision to wash our hands of the
    facilities came in May of 1984, a year after The Rape of Gore Park [see
    above]. By the time the Gore’s redesign of the redesign went ahead, the
    entire project was so far over budget that something had to be cut and
    it was decided it would be the lovely tiled, well-kept, and
    well-remembered washrooms under The Gore.

11.  COPPS OUT?: Although we now rent it out as a movie set, the Victor Copps
Trade Centre Arena, or Copps as it is more commonly known was a big deal when
it opened on November 30, 1985. Opening ceremonies began at 11:30 a.m. followed by an
old-timers hockey game pitting the former Hamilton Red Wings against the St. Catharines Black Hawks and Teepees.
The first wrestling match at Copps, Mosca Mania,
was held just two months later, on February 2, 1986. It’s been downhill ever since.

  1. BLACK DAY IN JULY: On July
    11, 1997, a black cloud rose over Hamilton, both literally and
    figuratively. By the time firefighters finally knocked down the Plastimet inferno on the 12th, the city
    had declared a state of emergency and about 650 people had been
    evacuated. The dense, black, toxic plume put Hamilton on the map for hundreds of
    miles in every direction. While Public Health Department officials say
    there should be no long-term effects, residents, firefighters, and
    police officers all report troubling symptoms.

    In an odd twist, Hamilton’s
    previous state of emergency concerned the same property. Early in the
    ‘90s, a metal recycling plant on the site had closed. In 1993 some teems
    broke into the abandoned factory and made off with a quantity of deadly
    mercury.

12.  IT TAKES A VILLAGE: In the last 25 years, Hess Village has become the most vibrant
place in Hamilton
for Night Life. Yet, year after year its existence is threatened and
activities curtailed by ongoing complaints from area residents.

Hamilton Magazine humbly makes two suggestions for keeping Hess Village
thriving for another 25 years: a). Local residents with noise complaints
should do it quietly; b). those who go to Hess Village
to party should make less noise than the residents.

Why can’t we all get along?

  1. BOUGHT THE FARM: Upper James, in fact much of the Mountain, was once a place
    where farms flourished. However, like all cities, Hamilton had to expand. In the
    process, all the lovely farms up on the escarpment were bulldozed to
    create the same Shopping
    Theme Park found
    on the outskirts of any city anywhere.

13.  THE MORE THINGS CHANGE:  Beautiful
Downtown Dundas is as quaint and perfect an example of small town Ontario still existing among the urban sprawl in the Oshawa – Hamilton
corridor. While other small towns have lost many of their older buildings, Dundas’ storefronts
retain that same nostalgic quality, while serving a vibrant and active local
community.

  1. PUT THE LIME IN THE
    COCONUT:
    Be honest: Who hasn’t called it Slime
    Ridge Mall at one time or another? When Lime Ridge Mall opened, it
    changed forever the shopping patterns of Hamilton residents.

14.  FAVOURITE SON: The Honourable Lincoln “Call me Linc” Alexander has had many accomplishments
in his 80 plus years. He was the first Black Member of Parliament,
representing Hamilton West from 1968 through 1980. Named Ontario’s first Lt. Governor of colour, he
served as the Queen’s representative from 1985 to 1991. In addition, in 1997,
a highway was named after him. How perfect is it that the affectionate nickname
for the roadway that brings Hamiltonians together is The Linc? Making the
irony even more delicious is the fact that Linc has never driven a car in his
life. License or not, at his 80th Birthday Bash then-Premier Mike
Harris presented him with his own provincial vanity plate reading LINC 80.

  1. BIGGER IS NOT
    ALWAYS BETTER:
    With the stroke of midnight January 1st 2001, the city of Hamilton swallowed Stoney Creek, Flamborough, Ancaster,
    and Dundas
    in. Overnight the city’s population jumped from 387,000 to 489,457. Like
    all the other amalgamations across the province it was sold to us as
    revenue neutral, but taxpayers have lost dearly as costs are downloaded
    onto residents.

15.  A BRIDGE TOO FAR: After years of arguments, proposals, studies, cancelled tunnels,
and construction the newly twinned Burlington
Skyway Bridge
is officially reopened on October
10, 1985 and dubbed the Burlington Bay James N. Allan Skyway at a
cost of $41.8 million. In attendance was James N. Allan himself.

  1. BRIDGE OVER
    TROUBLED WATERS:
    OPP Constable Paul Brammer has the dubious honour of investigating the
    first fender-bender on the newly opened Burlington Bay James N. Allan
    Skyway, a mere 14 minutes after the official dedication. The crash pits
    Transportation Ministry official Alfred Wittenberg’s 1984 Datsun against an ’85 Mazda, driven by St. Catherines reporter Kevin
    Hodges. The damage? Four-hundred dollars and some bruised egos.

16.  A BRIDGE TOO FAR; THE
SEQUEL:
The High
Level Bridge
has always made a grand, if understated, entrance into Hamilton. On July 11, 1988, the High
Level Bridge
was refurbished and rededicated the Thomas
B. McQuesten High
Level Bridge,
honouring both the city’s past and a man crucial to Hamilton’s development. Thomas McQuesten is largely responsible for the RBG and the
province’s system of highways. The High
Level Bridge,
by any name, is an architectural treasure and the best way to enter Hamilton.

  1. DOLLARS TO DONUTS: In October
    1999, Hamilton’s
    World Famous Tim Hortons
    Store Number One re-opened after extensive renovations. However, rather
    than using the opportunity to create a time capsule to reflect its 1964
    origins, the donut shop on Ottawa near Main was redecorated to look like
    any other Timmys anywhere else in the world.
    Gone was the chance to give Hamilton an
    interesting cultural donut Mecca
    to remind the city of its working-class roots. Oh well. At least they
    erected a nice big plaque to commemorate the event.

17.  BORIS AND NATASHA: Despite Boris Brott calling Hamilton Magazine one of his pet
peeves in a 1981 Hamilton Spectator article, we are going to show how
magnanimous we can be by including the Peripatetic Maestro on the To Be
Remembered List. Love him or hate him – there seems to be no middle ground –
Brott has invigorated the Hamilton
music scene since his 1969 arrival to twirl baton for the Hamilton
Philharmonic Orchestra. He wears his Order of Canada with pride and has never
stopped being a booster of the city of Hamilton,
with his Summer Music Festival, despite all the bad press he has received
over the years.

  1. THE FOUR HORSEMEN
    OF THE APOCALYPSE:
    The beautiful Birks Building, at the corner of King
    and James streets, was already gone when Hamilton Magazine began
    publishing, but the ornate “Charging Horsemen” clock that
    greeted passers-by remained. However, in 1984 it was taken away and
    reinstalled two years later outside Jackson Square following extensive
    repairs. Only two weeks after the clock was put back into the downtown
    area, the plug was pulled. The charging horsemen were not working
    properly. The clock was beginning to sag, causing the horsemen to run
    into each other. The clock has had many problems and been repaired many
    times since and although the “Charging Horsemen” no longer charge
    the clock still sits outside of Jackson Square.

18.  URBAN RENEWAL #? If you have ever watched Anne of Green Gables, you have seen it.
If you’ve driven past Whitehern, at 41
Jackson Street West, you come to understand why
it’s considered one of the best examples of Victorian life in Canada.
It is also one of Hamilton’s
greatest architectural treasures. In 1991, the Natural Historical Sites and
Monuments Board recognized Whitehern for its historical and architectural
significance and once again an honour was bestowed upon Thomas McQuesten, Whitehern being his former-estate. Future
generations of Hamiltonians will be able to tour a truly beautiful building
and grounds and future movies will be able to film there.

  1. CHOCOLAT: When Laura Secord closed its doors at 113 King Street East in 1984, for
    the last time, they had been in business in the same location for more
    than seven decades. They opened on October 20, 1913 to supply the City of Hamilton with
    Laura’s famous candies.
19.  URBAN RENEWAL # ?: A $125,000 facelift in 1995
saved one of the architectural treasures of downtown Hamilton. The Right House was built between
1890 and 1893, and has watched over the corner of Hughson and King for well
over 100 years. When it was converted into spaces for service oriented
businesses, it gave The Right House, Hamilton’s
first department store, a new lease on life. [DRAFT] William Stewart &
Son architectural wonder that was the Right House is retained on King Street.
[DRAFT]
  1. IS THIS THE RIGHT
    HOUSE?:
    It was a
    sad day indeed when, in January of 1983, The Right House – Hamilton’s first
    large department store – closed its doors for the last time.

20.  CHINA FOOD: The Pagoda Chop Suey House at 85 ½ King Street East
is the oldest established restaurant in Hamilton,
having opened in 1942. At one time, it was the only place to buy ethnic eats
in Hamilton.
However, as Hamilton
has come of age more restaurants, representing every corner of the globe,
have opened. The discerning diner can eat in Thailand one night and taste
Indian curry the next. Typical of this trend is The Roti
Hut on Main Street East.
A Roti is Caribbean
fast food and is singularily delicious. When you
can buy a tasty Roti, you just know a city has come
of age.

  1. CHINA DOLL: For more than six decades, neighbour to Laura Secord was the
    Herbert S. Mills China Shop, with an international reputation. The shop
    originally opened at 11
    King Street in 1924 and was one of the
    first china shops in North America to
    stock fine bone china. Among customers was Franklin D. Roosevelt’s mother,
    who bought china for the White House in the ‘30s. An order for the
    Japanese Embassy in Washington,
    D.C. alarmed the F.B.I.
    and concluded in some cloak and dagger operations. The spooks learned
    the order was placed by a December 6, 1941 telegram demanded the china be
    shipped before the next day, or not at all. This convinced them the
    ambassador must have known about Pearl Harbor since he was too anxious for the
    Mills order. The Herbert S. Mills China Shop closed in 1985.

21.    A DAY AT THE BEACH: The natives called it “Daonasedao,”
meaning “where the sand forms a bar.” Étienne Brûlé may have been
the first European to see when he passed through these parts in 1615. A
strategic site militarily, skirmishes were fought there during the War of
1812. In the mid-‘70s battle lines were drawn again on the Hamilton Beach Strip, as the city bought up properties in order to form a huge park. In the
end 170 houses were razed and the residents were
upset by this plan to turf them out.  Hamilton’s Beach Strip was officially sanctioned as a
residential area in 1983 and it is now a thriving community.

  1. WHEN CHICKENS COME
    HOME TO ROOST:
    It was certainly a day worthy
    of forgetting when the sheriff bolted the doors and seized the property
    at The Chicken Roost in 1986. Today it’s the site of Cheapies Record
    Store, but at one time, the lines snaked down the block to get into one
    of Hamilton’s
    most fondly remembered restaurants. The Roost opened at 67-69 King Street East
    on October 1, 1948
    by the Mintz Brothers Max and Benny. The desired
    delicacy was the signature Chicken on a Bun, with BBQ Sauce, a recipe
    smuggled from Toronto.
    For a while CHML’s Meet at the Chicken Roost,
    with Gordie Tapp,
    could be heard on the radio every Saturday night. The original owners
    sold to out-of-town businessmen in 1984, but they could not make a go of
    it. On May 11, 1986,
    interested parties could wander aimlessly in a Frid Street warehouse where the
    former contents would be auctioned, ending an illustrious run as one of Hamilton’s great
    eateries.
22.  THAT’S THE WAY NIAGARA FALLS: It has stood for millions of years, carved out by the glaciers
that scoured the countryside as they advanced and retreated. When the last
Ice Age ended Head of the Lake was left with
its unique geography and geology.

On February 8, 1990
UNESCO (The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization)
recognized what Hamiltonians have long known and declared the Niagara
Escarpment as an International Biosphere reserve.

The Bruce Trail
runs through the escarpment for more than 800 kilometres, from Queenston near Niagara to Tobermory
on The Bruce Peninsula, making it the largest footpath in Canada. And, some of its
loveliest sites are right here in Hamilton.

  1. WATER, WATER
    EVERYWHERE; PART TWO:
    They tell us it’s not
    as bad as it once was and we are winning the battle against pollution in
    Hamilton Harbour. However, the question
    still begs itself: When will it be safe for our children to swim there?
23.  TO MARKET, TO MARKET: Unlike many cities and even smaller towns, Hamilton has managed to retain its Farmer’s
Market. Now housed under the Main Library (where much of the research for
this article was conducted, incidentally), the market has operated, in one
form or another, since April 14, 1837 when Andrew “Yankee” Miller deeded the
land to the city for 5 shillings in tax arrears. At the ripe old age of 166
years it is still one of the liveliest places in the city to buy fresh
produce and meats and a walk through The Market is like a walk around the
world.
  1. THIS LITTLE PIGGY
    STAYED HOME:
    The Farmer’s Market moved to
    its current location in 1980. At the time Rick Butwick,
    a Waterdown farmer and Market vendor said
    about the new facilities, “It looks more like the inside of a battleship
    than a market.” And it still looks the same way 23 years later. Which
    begs the question: Whose crazy idea was it to put the Farmer’s Market in
    a concrete barn of a space?
24.  WADE INTO DEEP WATERS: Although current-Mayor Rob Wade has stuck with his predecessor’s
decision not to make any more proclamations [See #24 to the right], he has
been more proactive by walking in the Hamilton Gay Pride March and has even
allowed the rainbow flag to fly over city hall. Nary was a protest heard.
Maybe Hamilton
is growing up.
  1. MAYOR McCHEESE: In 1991, former-mayor Rob Morrow gained the ire of Gays and
    Lesbians nationwide when he steadfastly refused to proclaim Gay Pride
    Week in Hamilton.
    Angered at the mayor’s intransigence, Joe Oliver decided to take the
    case to the Ontario Human Rights Commission, arguing he was discriminated
    against based on his sexual orientation. After almost 4 years, the OHRC
    agreed, ordering Mayor Morrow to proclaim Gay Pride Week if asked again.
    He was in 1985, and so he did. That was the last proclamation ever made
    by the Mayor’s Office. In order to avoid having to ever proclaim Gay
    Pride Week again, the mayor promptly went out of the proclamation
    business. Say goodbye to McHappy Day.
25.  HAMILTON GOES INTERNATIONAL: After several years of investigation, followed by a complete
exoneration, John C. Munro gets his final reward from the federal government
when Mount Hope
Airport was renamed the John C.
Munro Hamilton
International Airport
on April 6, 1998.
Munro – like Sheila Copps who took over his seat when he retired – Munro
never forgot his Hamilton roots and always
managed to make sure the city came in for Ottawa’s largess when money was being doled
out.
  1. RETURN TO SENDER: John C. Munro’s “Return to Greatness” mayoralty campaign in
    2000 was a disappointment for his backers and the once mighty federal
    minister who could do no wrong. He spent $206,782 to garner a mere
    14,308 votes, or about $14.50 per vote.

Musical Appreciation ► Thomas Edison Unveils First Phonograph

Edison with the 2nd model
of his phonograph in 1878

He invented the stock ticker, a mechanical voting machine, batteries for electric cars, motion pictures, not to mention the electric light bulb and electric power distribution. However, nothing Thomas Alva Edison invented has brought more pleasure to more people than the phonograph.

Edison demonstrated his first phonograph, a word he also invented, on this day in 1877. Edison was not trying to invent a phonograph when he came upon the inspiration. He was trying to improve the high technology of his day, the telegraph transmitter. However, he noticed that when the paper tape was moved through the transmitter at high speed, it sounded a bit like human speech. This led him to begin experimenting with a hard needle to etch sound waves into a rotating cylinder covered with a thick tin foil. Voila! An invention is born.

An advertisement for Edison’s phonograph

Eventually the tin foil gave way to wax cylinders, which eventually gave way to the gramophone, on which 10″ platters spun at 78 revolutions per minute, then at 45 RPM, and finally at 33 & 1/3 RPM. All of these forms of sound recreation were just variations of Edison’s original invention in which sound waves moved a diaphragm. The movement of the diaphragm made a needle quiver, which etched the sound into whatever medium was being used. The principle was reversed for playback: A needle was placed in a groove in which sound waves were already etched. The movement of the needle moved a diaphragm, which reproduced the sound through a horn. It was a totally mechanical process. Eventually electronics was added to the mix, but that still didn’t change how the sound was etched into the medium.

When the compact disc and digital recording came along, there was no more need for Edison’s great idea of a moving membrane etching and recreating the sound. Now sound waves are electronically converted into ones and zeros and encoded on computer equipment to be turned back into sound at the press of a button. This led to the invention of the ubiquitous MP3. Now one can put 10,000 songs on a device smaller than a pack of matches.

It’s also how I can share with my faithful readers a playlist of cover songs I have been collecting for many years.

Enjoy, and don’t forget to say a big THANK YOU to Thomas Edison, The Wizard of Menlo Park.