All posts by Headly Westerfield

About Headly Westerfield

Calling himself “A liberally progressive, sarcastically cynical, iconoclastic polymath,” Headly Westerfield has been a professional writer all his adult life.

Targeting the Gun Lobby ► An Aunty Em Editorial

Ever since it became apparent in the aftermath of the Newtown Massacre that ‘Merka was fed up, and a consensus was developing to finally take some action on gun violence, Gun Nuts have been muttering, stuttering, and fluttering in the hopes of distracting the public conversation away from the human lives destroyed by guns. 

When President Obama sat down this week and signed several Executive
Orders that might save a few human lives here and there, the Gun Nuts
lost whatever was left of their collective minds. And, the Mainstream Media hasn’t helped. The ‘Merkin people have been led to believe that a Presidential Executive Order is an extraordinary thing. Yet, it isn’t at all. Why can’t we have nice things? Because “Sloppy Reporting Misleads the Public on Obama’s Executive Orders.”


Executive Orders are a president’s instructions to the staff at executive branch agencies, defining how they are to implement the laws that already exist. They are not laws themselves. No president can issue an Executive Order to take your guns, or your money, make new laws, or to do anything unconstitutional. And Obama is smart enough not to order actions that won’t survive legal challenges.

Executive Orders are constitutionally valid. The Constitution’s Article II, Section 1, Clause 1 – The executive Power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America – gives the president that ability. Each order’s preamble states his specific legal authority for the subject of the order. Every president has issued Executive Orders. Governors and mayors also issue Executive Orders to their staffs.

The orders are numbered consecutively. George Washington issued EO number 1. To date, President Obama has issued 146 Executive Orders, numbered 13489 through 13635. That’s an average of about 310 orders per president. President Franklin Roosevelt holds the record at 3,466, over more than three terms in office. Herbert Hoover – a Republican – is second with 1,011 in only one term. Ronald Reagan had 380 (two terms); George H.W. Bush 165 (one term); Bill Clinton 363 (two terms); and George W. Bush 290 (two terms).

However, to hear the Reich Wing’s version, the Socialist/Communist/Fascist Obama is coming for your guns, despite the fact that he isn’t really. It’s a sad commentary on our media that — ONCE AGAIN — it takes Jon Stewart and Steve Colbert to put all this talk about President Obama shredding the 2nd Amendment into the proper perspective.

First up, Jon Stewart puts the lie to that stupid Talking Point that Hitler could have been stopped in his tracks if those brave Jews in the ghetto had guns:

I wish armed Jews in the ghetto could stop Hitler.  But my feeling was, France couldn’t.  And I’m pretty sure they had guns.  Russia had kind of a lot of guns, and they couldn’t stop Hitler, until you factored in the wind chill.

It’s an awful lot to put on an oppressed minority, when it took the
free world 5 to 6 years of all-out total war to stop that motherfucker.
 So let’s stop arguing these “what ifs”.

 Stewart had a lot more to say. Watch:

Then Steve Colbert reminded us that “Like anybody setting up a new government, the Founders added a clause
that said, ‘If you don’t like what we’re doing, feel free to shoot us.’
” And, Colbert didn’t stop there, dedicating a whole segment of The WORD to remind us why the Founding Fathers had their shit together.

To get serious for a moment: It’s important that rational thinking people push back against all this Gun Nuttery™ and expose it for what it really is. The more people that believe The Big NRA Lie that President Obama is coming after your guns, the closer ‘Merka gets to an armed insurrection.

Do you honestly believe there’s not currently militia groups already training for “Second Amendment Remedies“? They’ve been fed 4 years of “Obama is not a legitimate president” who has been “frog-marching the nation into total enslavement.” [see: Fox “News” any day that ends in “Y”] With the latest message being “HE’S COMING FOR YOUR GUNS BY ROYAL FIAT!!!” I fear we are teetering on the brink of another Waco, or Ruby Ridge, or Oklahoma City, or worse.

I’ve already told Pops that if and when the gunfire seems to be coming closer to the condo, we are grabbing my Canadian citizenship and riding it as far as it can take us.

I wish I were kidding.

Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 34

This week’s Fox “News” Spin Cycle is similar to last week‘s in that it’s dedicated to guns, guns, and more guns because that was virtually the only news this week that was deemed interesting enough for Fox “News”to report on.

The steady drip, drip, drip on Fox in support of Gun Rights Nuts, unthinking Libertarians, and Second Amendment Advocates becomes almost like poetry, or a steady refrain. I’m sure I’ve heard it somewhere before. I can name that tune in 3 notes.

Let’s get right to it:

There was once a time — and not all that long ago — when I could count on beginning my week with a leggy cheesecake pic from Ainsley Earworm. Sadly, she got married recently and (I presume her husband made her) stopped sending out that morning cheesecake.
There was once a time — and not all that long ago — when I could count on beginning my week with a leggy cheesecake pic from Bully Boy Bolling — ACK! I was having a nightmare. I’m glad I woke up.
I say, “Bring it on!” As bad as the House GOP looks now, this will only make them look worse.
The so-called “tax increases” that Fox “News” is trying to get its brain-dead audience to believe is actually the expiration of the payroll tax holiday. President Obama wanted to keep the payroll tax cut, but the GOP said “No.” Taxpayers can blame John Boehner & Eric Cantor.
Fox “News” is now reporting on every incident in which a person has used a gun in self-defense. Happiness is a warm gun.
Izzat a religious joke?

Next time you’re watching Steve Doocy, mute the sound. He looks like like every amiable dipsomaniac you’ve ever met. Amiright?

This is the year scientists will succeed in cloning the perfect female Fox “News” personality: all legs, teeth and blonde hair.
And, so far, not a single one of them has shown signs of intelligent life, especially among Fox “News” viewers.
Fox “News” is blowing a gasket because a newspaper used the Freedom of Information Act to show where gun owners live. Happiness is a warm gun.
Al Gore is another Fox “News” Nemesis™ and the fact that he sold Current TV to Al Jazeera has been a never-ending source of amusement.

Think Progress will tell you what Fox “News” will never tell you:

Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal owns a 7 percent stake in News Corp — the parent company of Fox News — making him the largest shareholder outside the family of News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch.

Something else Fox “News” won’t tell you: Among serious journalists Al Jazeera is considered far more “Far and Balanced” than Fox “News,” which everybody (except its brain-dead viewers) knows is not really “Fair and Balanced” at all.

If only Fox “News” were a Beck-free Zone. That almost happened. Sadly, after Fox “News” fired The Beckerhead, Loofah Lad started inviting him back on the air.
‘Merkin culture started its decline when Married With Children went on the air. OH! Wait!!! That was a Fox show, wasn’t it? Never mind.
Once again Fox “News” is trying to make trouble by singing Tevye’s signature song from Fiddler on the Roof:


VIDEO: The Lego version of “Tradition”

That 200+ year tradition that President Obama is going against? Only men have ever given the invocation. At President Obama’s 2nd swearing-in Myrlie Evers-Williams will deliver the invocation. She’s the widow of Medgar Evers, the Civil Rights leader gunned down 50 years ago.

In fact President Obama is breaking two traditions: It’s the first time a woman has given the invocation and the first time a layperson has delivered it.

I have a Falafel addiction that I can only keep under control by a well-placed loofah. Is there any help for me?
I tune in to Fox “News” to get all my Blind Sheikh news. Fox “News” is the only “Fair and Balanced” station brave enough to have a Blind Sheikh Assignment Desk, manned 24-hours a day, 7 days a week, in case there’s any BREAKING BLIND SHEIKH NEWS.
IRONY ALERT: Taking responsibility is something that Fox “News” could learn about.
Of course it did. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Here’s a lesson from Fox “News” Shit Disturbing & Deception 101. The lesson begins with Fox “News” sending out this simple headline, with no other information, attributed to Bloomberg: TEXAS SHOWS UP OBAMA. However, it’s fully divorced from the truth. Fox “News” knows full well that only a miniscule number of its brain-dead followers will ‘click through’ to read the story. However, if you did click thru’ on the link, this is what you would find:

You’re not taken to the Bloomberg site. You’re on the Fox “News” web site. And, once again, Fox “News” uses the same headline TEXAS SHOWS UP OBAMA, still attributed to Bloomberg.

Once again Fox “News” hopes that this would be enough for the miniscule number of brain-dead viewers who clicked through. However, see that “READ MORE AT BLOOMBERG.COM” link? Fox “News” is further counting on only a miniscule number — of the miniscule number of its brain-dead audience that already got this far — NOT to click on that link.

However, if you did click on the link, this is what you would find:

Why there’s nothing at all about President Obama in the Bloomberg headline. In fact, there is not a single fucking word about President Obama in the entire Bloomberg article [of which the above screenshot is an excerpt]. This is another instance of Fox “News” just making shit up.

It’s just another example of why Fox “News” is not “Fair and Balanced.” Never has been. Never will be.

Zakly!!! The same way that Loofah Lad’s constant vilification of Dr. Tiller removed his brain-dead audiencefrom reality, from their feelings, from their capacity to be empathetic and heroic and courageous and Dr. Tiller paid the price for it — with his lifelater on.
Worst Ed Sullivan impression ever!!!
Of course the only “high profile liberals” he could find agreed with him.
There is NO EVIDENCE that a union worker did this. It remains under investigation. However, Fox “News” knows who is responsible and is not afraid to say so.
It’s time to boycott Wendy’s.
The only thing brilliant about Adam Carolla is how he carved a seat on the Loofah Lad Hour out of not being funny, just like that other not-funny, so-called comedian Dennis Miller, who also appears regularly with The Falafel King.
Dog whistle. Tweet tweet.
Bully Boy Bolling finds a way to smear Mexicans and drug legalization while declaring that “Happiness is a warm gun.”

It must be noted for the record: There has not been a single gun control law passed yet. You’re just scare-mongering, Bully Boy. Why not wait until there’s actually something to complain about? Remember: Happiness is a warm gun and you have plenty.

Far more shocking to astronomers is the discovery that all of the Fox “News” brain-dead viewers live on this Zombie planet.
But . . . but . . . but . . . he hasn’t announced anything yet. With all due respect, Bully Boy, I think you’re jumping the gun. [See what I did there?]
Now that I’ve demonstrated [above] how Fox “News” just makes up headlines that are divorced from reality, would it surprise you to find out that Governor Chris Christie didn’t “crush” Matt Lauer?

Although, to be fair, Chris Christie could crush just about anybody except Rush Limbaugh.

No, that’s not what’s happening either. Just making shit up again.
Oliver North, who really should be in jail, uses his perch at Fox “News” to promote his own projects. This is his latest book. However, more recently he was promoting his tour of The Holy Land.
Al Gore — the Vice President Fox “News” loves to hate* — pegged Geraldo perfectly in the story that Rivera tells The Falafel King. They laughed at Al Gore, but the joke is on Fox “News.”

* Not counting current Vice President Joe Biden

Somehow the Nixon Library seems appropriate. While Nixon escaped jail due to a pardon, North escaped jail on a technicality. However, that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t technically guilty of perverting the Constitution, just like Richard Nixon. Yet he’s a Right Wing hero. What’s up with that?
When Veep Biden shot his mouth off [see what I did there?] it sent all the Second Amendment Originalists, along with Fox “News” and the NRA, into a giant tizzy from which they have yet to recover. Luckily happiness is a warm gun.
Dog whistle!!! Tweet tweet!!!
Scammity’s angry. He already knows that Liberals will shred the Constitution and happiness is a warm gun.
When Dubya was issuing Executive Orders to say he would not adhere to certain laws that were legally constituted, and that included his signature, Fox “News” was silent. What’s different now? Oh yeah, the Black guy in the White House and the fact that happiness is a warm gun.
I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric “Happiness is a Warm Gun” Bolling.
As stupid as this act was, it’s still considered protected speech. Remember the Constitution?
Oh, fer fuck’s sake!!!

‘Merka’s professional victim cries “Wah, wah, wah, all the way home.”To paraphrase Ben Shapiro, who has been all over the tee vee tube in the past few weeks: “Happiness is a warm gun.

BREAKING NEWS: I read on a single blog this week (which means I have no confirmation as yet) that the question I have been asking has been answered: Fox “News” has not renewed Sarah Palin’s contract. What’s a Wasilla grifter to do?

In the mean time, I’m loving Sister Sarah’s salutation of “Don’t retreat, friends.” This proves Mama Grizzly is capable of learning, even if she’s not capable of having made a mistake. Remember when she signed off with “Don’t retreat, reload”? Remember how before Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot Sister Sarah sent out the following? Remember how Sarah Palin refused to apologize for the imagery both before and after Gabby Giffords was shot in the head?

No? Here’s a reminder:

One of those gun sights represents Gabby Giffords district. Happiness is a warm gun.

Happiness is a warm gun.
Any time Fox “News” can criticize MSNBC, it will. Anytime Mediate can make Fox “News” look moderate, it will. It’s win/win.
Can we send Bully Boy Bolling to the edge of space . . . and leave him there?
By next week Fox “News” will be agitating for a statue to be built for this young man. Happiness is a warm gun.
Is that really something your proud of?
Finally we learn the Foxy Friends on Fox and Friends natural demographic audience.
By next week Fox “News” will be agitating for a statue to be built for this Georgian Mother. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
It was very awkward when the NRA’s press conference on its meeting with Vice President Joe Biden on gun violence was interrupted by another school shooting. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric “Happiness is a Warm Gun” Bolling.

Oddly enough, Fox “News” is only getting one side’s interpretation of what was said behind closed doors, but that’s okay because happiness is a warm gun. 
Because happiness is a warm gun.

OOOOPS! Sorry! It’s become reflexive.

Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Well, yeah. That’s factual. And, while many people will find this offensive, it’s protected speech. See: First Amendment.

Why do the advocates of a strong Second Amendment always seem to forget the First Amendment?

Happiness is a warm gun.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Remember back in the ’60s and early ’70s when you could pick up Mao’s Little Red Book in any Chinatown? Without realizing it — or meaning to — Piers Morgan summed up the ‘Merkin fetishization of the Constitution. Maybe they should start printing them up in book form.

What??? They already do?

Well, then maybe they should be issued to every ‘Merkin at birth, along with vouchers for school and vouchers for abortions, and a government mandated bill to pay off a for-profit Health Care system.

You mean this giant watermelon can fly??? Happiness is a warm gun!!!

Oh, sorry. I got excited.

I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric “Happiness is a Warm Gun” Bolling.

By next week this Georgian mother will have a parade in her honour right in front of Fox “News,” if it has anything to say about it. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
When hammers are outlaws, only outlaws will have hammers.

Happiness is a warm gun.

When this “news” reached Bully Boy Bolling’s desk, it gave him a 4-hour erection, for which he had to consult his doctor. But don’t worry, Bully Boy: Happiness is a warm gun.
Loofah Lad wants to make sure his brain-dead audience knows of the tiff over at MSNBC [see above] because it’s so damned important.
But, Geraldo! Doncha know that happiness is a warm gun?
Necro-porn.
IRONY ALERT: As Think Progress reports:

When 20 children and 6 adults were gunned down in Sandy Hook Elementary School exactly one month ago today, the National Rifle Association rushed to blame video games, not guns, for inspiring such mass murders. But the gun lobby seemingly lost sight of its target in the past weeks, and over the weekend released a shooting app, called “NRA: Practice Range.”

The app bills itself as a “network of news, laws, facts, knowledge, safety tips, educational materials and online resource.” The NRA reports that it “[i]nstills safe and responsible ownership through fun challenges and realistic simulations.”

The (alleged) dipsomaniac is now reviewing movies with torture in it. This was also a movie that Steve Doochey [sic] as one of the Three Stooges on the Curvy Couch used to bash President Obama when they claimed, many times and without evidence every time, that Classified Information was given to the director. Now it’s “terrific.”
It would be a cheap shot to say that Bully Boy Bolling gets everything exactly upside down.

However, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that Bully Boy Bolling gets everything exactly upside down again.

Happiness is a warm gun.

Fox “News” only creates graphics like the above for VERY IMPORTANT STORIES.

This is just another way to attack Al Gore. You can tell it’s inaccurate because it’s a Breitbartian story. However, Fox “News” is only (helpfully) passing it along. It has plausible deniability.

And, that’s when I lost my temper. Read all about it at The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest in my occasional series that makes fun of Bully Boy Bolling. Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
IRONY ALERT: “Freedom” is Bully Boy Bolling’s dog. Does Bully Boy Bolling put “Freedom” on a leash when he walks the dog? [h/t Zak Nilsson]
Vulnerable? Why would that be? Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.

Pass the popcorn.

Happiness is a warm cannon.
A totally innocuous message from Bully Boy Bolling. The best reaction to it was this one, which echoes my own:
The only preparation Bully Boy Bolling needs is to grease his ass, to make it easier to pull his facts out of.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm Duchess.

Happiness is a warm gun.

They’re never too young to learn.

They’re never too young to learn about assassination, either. Gather ’round, kiddies. There once was a man named John Lennon who played music that delighted the entire world. He was the one who wrote a song called “Happiness is a Warm Gun.” He was assassinated with a gun before he had a chance to play all the music that was in him. Happiness is a warm gun, indeed. Bang, bang, shoot, shoot.

She’s not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do, oh, yeah

She’s well acquainted
With the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the
Multicolored mirrors on his hobnail boots

Lying with his eyes
While his hands are busy working overtime
A soap impression of his wife
Which he ate and donated to the National Trust

I need a fix ?cause I’m going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix ?cause I’m going down

Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun mama
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
When I hold you in my arms
(Oh yeah)
And I feel my finger on your trigger
(Ooo, oh yeah)
I know nobody can do me no harm
(Ooo, oh yeah)

Because happiness is a warm gun mama
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun
(Happiness, bang bang, shoot shoot)
Well, don’t you know that happiness is a warm gun mama
(Happiness is a warm gun yeah)

Judge Not 13 ► Clinging To His Guns

Unretouched photo of Judge Andrew “Andy Nappy”
Napolitano taken directly from my tee vee screen

For the 1st full week of the New Year, Judge Andy doubled his output over last week, causing considerable problems at the Judge Not Desk. 

If you recall, dear reader, when (several weeks ago) Judge Andy reduced his output to a mere 10 posts, I decided to fire all the Judge Not interns and hire a child instead. Larry (or is it Robert? I really need to remember his name, or hire somebody whose name I can remember) was being trained slowly. However, as Vice President Biden’s Gun Control Task Force met with more stakeholders this week, Judge Andy became more and more unhinged. Suddenly, and without any advance warning, he doubled his output and Larry (Robert?) couldn’t keep up. I was forced to hire a Temp at a much higher rate than it would have cost had I kept the interns in the first place.

The crux of this story: Monitoring the Laughing Libertarian™ has not been cost effective so far. No matter. Here’s this week’s edition of Judge Not:

WTF, Judge Andy?

When I create a unique order of English words to convey a thought, it becomes my copyright, or, my intellectual property. How can you silly Libertarians argue that copyright laws are anti-capitalistic on one hand while, on the other, defend physical property rights? Hypocrite, much?

Here’s another example of Judge Nap unthinkingly passing along more unthinking wisdom from the unthinking Libertarian Republic. When is a law legal, Judge? I’m surprised I even have to explain this to the Fox “News” Senior Judicial Analyst, but here goes: 

A law is legal from the time it is passed right up to the moment it is rejected by the Supreme Court. If it is supported by the Supreme Court, it remains a legal law. Only the Supreme Court can declare a legal law unconstitutional, or illegal.

Still confused? I’ll give you a hint, Judge: You might be an originalist, but deep down you really know the law is whatever the courts decide it is. Stop trying to confuse people.

Meh! Who cares what Pelosi said? I’d do anything to thwart the GOP on the Debt Ceiling, even if that meant minting a coin out of Silly Putty.

The Debt Ceiling debate is another one of those phony issues on which Fox “News” has been providing the GOP interference. And, you, Judge Nap, are party to pushing that lie.

The debt ceiling was held hostage the last go-round, which led to the creation of the Fiscal Cliff, remember? Which also led to the credit downgrade, remember? Now the GOP may hold the Debt Ceiling hostage again and you’re fully prepared to help in this latest duplicity, Judge. Good for you!

The fact of the matter is, as you well know Judge, the Debt Ceiling is the money already spent. To not raise the debt ceiling is like a credit card holder saying, I don’t think I’ll pay off the company that has already extended me credit and already paid my bills. It’s money already spent, Judge. What part of that don’t you understand?

Furthermore, the Debt Ceiling was never the subject of rancorous debate before and it has been raised dozens of times. What changed? Oh right! That Black guy in the White House. I get it now. You’re a hypocrite, right?

Alex Jone’s crazy rants are the best argument for gun control, Judge. Please, don’t stop.
By the time this Gun Control Battle is over, this mother will be lionized as a Second Amendment Hero™ with her own Commemorative Bullets and statues in every town square.

Trust me on this one.

Just think of McChrystal as the Drone Goldilocks: “These drone strikes are too many. These drone strikes are too few. These drone strikes are just right.”
When vegetable gardens are outlawed, only outlaws will have vegetable gardens.

So the fuck what, Judge? There are many municipalities (and don’t even get me started on HOAs) that have absurd laws. I’d be willing to lay a $10,000 Mendacious Mitt bet that an equal number of towns and cities have outlawed hanging laundry outside, on your own property. When you start to go after the clothesline laws I’ll take you seriously on the front-yard garden issue?

Here we go again! No, Judge. It’s not unconstitutional until it’s adjudged (look it up) so in a court of law. Until then it’s merely YOUR OPINION that it’s unconstitutional.

While on the subject: It’s not “Obama’s extension of the wiretapping law.” Let me remind you how this works: The House and the Senate pass the laws. The president can sign them, or veto them. Signing it doesn’t make it “Obama’s extension,” unless you want to start to talk about “Dubya’s Illegal War in Iraq” that passed in Congress.

You’re welcome.

Sorry, Judge. That’s just an outright lie, isn’t it? The truth of the matter is that AIG treated the ‘Merkin taxpayer as a piggybank. Besides, AIG has smartly decided not to sue the ‘Merkin government because “suing the U.S. would kill AIG.”

So, with all due respect, Judge: what the fuck are you talking about?

Of course not. Otherwise landlords could also decide not to rent to Blacks, or Jews, or Italian Judges. On the other hand, the cities of San Jose and Oakland could pass legally constituted laws which zone certain areas as “No Pot Zones,” but that would just be More Big Government™, wouldn’t it? And, just to drive home a previous point: those laws would be perfectly legal until a court of law ruled they were unconstitutional.
Zakly! Just as there is “no merit” to your contention that “the feds used AIG as a piggy bank and they should be made to answer for it.” Right, Judge? It’s just another lie to make the Black guy in the White House look bad, right? It’s okay to admit it. In fact, it might be liberating.
I love how people have seized upon this as a religious freedom issue, as opposed to a human rights issue.

If anyone ever told me they wanted my kids to wear an RFID chip, I’d shove it right up their ass on the spot.

While it may or may not be “economically catastrop,” another faux fight over the Debt Ceiling could be a lot worse.
However, the Treasury has ruled out minting a trillion dollar coin. So, that ridiculous Talking Point is gone now. That allows us to concentrate on the obstreperous GOP holding the Debt Ceiling hostage all over again in an attempt to make the president look bad again. It won’t work this time. The ‘Merkin people are on to the Teabaggers intransigence for the sake of intransigence. I’m looking at you, Eric Cantor.

When Executive Orders are outlawed, only outlaws will issue Executive Orders.

S’funny thing tho’, Judge Andy: I never heard the sheep bleating when Dubya was signing all those Executive Orders that he he would not be bound by legally constituted laws while fighting terr’ism. Wouldn’t that have been unconstitutional?

Why don’t you wait until Executive Orders are actually issued before you start to complain about them, Judge Nap? I know! What a concept!

Gun nuts just don’t understand. The Founding Fathers never anticipated wholesale slaughter by front-loading muskets.
When do I get my own tank and shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft weapons? I’d need that — at the very least — to hold off a tyrannical government for a couple of hours.
So far I’m not laughing, Judge.
TRANSLATION: God gave us our Right to Bear Arms and only God can take them away.

Not just clinging to guns and religion [Where the hell have I heard that phrase before?], but intertwining the two.

[To be fair: The article goes on (and on and on and on). I only used the first 3 paragraphs under the Fair Use laws which protect Judge Nap’s copyright. See above.]

Sorry, Judge, wrong again. The rule of law is sovereign.
Because you can always count on Fox “News” to cling to its Guns & God, which is much pithier than “guns and religion.”
So, gimmee my thermonuclear bomb already.

This is the lamest defense of gun rights there is. If the government is coming for you, there is no amount of weaponry — that can legally be owned today — that would allow you resist for very long. Reasonable gun control laws will not change the balance of power one iota, Judge Nap. Your gun arguments just get worse and worse.

That all depends on what the president does, how the Executive Orders are worded, and whether a court rules for, or against, the Executive Action if implemented and, more importantly, if challenged. Otherwise, to quote President Nixon, “When the President does it, it’s not illegal.”
This is the second laziest argument made by Second Amendment advocates. And, it’s false. Are you aware you are passing along false information, Judge Andy? If not, you can always correct the record. If so, then you are simply a lyin’ sumnabitch. I have always suspected the latter.
HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

And, pointing to violence in Hollywood movies is the third laziest argument of Second Amendment advocates. And, I’d be careful criticizing Hollywood too much, Judge. Fox owns more than one movie production company.

The best words of advice I ever received for instances like
this came from my Pops, who turns 87 next month: “If my grandmother had balls, she’d be my
grandfather.” In other words: You can argue “what ifs” ’til you’re blue in the face, but
that’s not the reality in front of you. Suck it up.

And, this is the 4th laziest argument from Second Amendment advocates. As stupid and offensive as this argument is, Judge, it’s not nearly as stupid and offensive as the similar argument of Larry Ward, founder of the upcoming “Gun Appreciation Day,” which appears to be designed after the Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, except no one is being encouraged to eat their gun. Ward said almost the exact same thing as you did, Judge, except he said, “I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.

You do realize, doncha Judge, that the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto were in the ghetto because of pogroms elsewhere and a ghetto was the best they could do? By the time Hitler came along the Jews had been marginalized for several hundred years. You might as well say, “If the Jews had guns, there wouldn’t have been a Jewish ghetto in Warsaw.” Or, “If my grandmother had balls . . . “

Thanks, Pops.

There are far more people, according to the most recent polls, who think the NRA are “standing on the graves of dead kids” with its knee-jerk reaction to discussions of reasonable gun laws.

I still need you to explain to me how a police department having a drone is any different than a police department having a helicopter. It’s not like I haven’t asked you several times, Judge Andy.
This became the new way to bash President Obama as the week neared its end. And, oh lookie, Judge Nap is happy to pass along the latest Fox “News” Faux Controversy™.
This is the textbook definition of a closed loop system. Follow along:

Ever since the Newtown Massacre Fox “News” has been trying to do everything in its power to keep the discussion off the death of children and gun control, in essence parroting the stance of the NRA. After the NRA met with Vice President Biden Chris Cox came out and called it a “dog and pony show” and that the administration was just “checking off a box.”  This made a perfect soundbite for Fox “News,” which was happy to promote this one-sided and dismissive point of view. The NRA and, incidentally, Judge Nap, were was so pleased with the Fox “News” promotion that they passed it along to their brain-dead followers. It all comes full circle and the loop is closed.

As long as the discussion remains on gun control, Judge Andy will continue to go off half-cocked. [See what I did there?] He’ll continue to send out stupid shit without thinking about the broader implications. Which is why Larry (Robert?) and the new Temp (I know she must have a name) will be working 12-hour shifts, with their lunch break cut to 15 minutes. These weekly episodes of Judge Not don’t write themselves, yannow.

The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14

Unretouched pic of Bully Boy Bolling, aka Eric
Bolling, taken directly from my tee vee screen

It’s been a while since I’ve written about Bully Boy Bolling, the pugnacious Fox “News” fireplug with the big mouth. It’s not that there hasn’t been anything to write about because Eric Bolling, as he is known to the brain-dead viewers of Fox “News,” says something ridiculous almost every single day.

However, writing about Bully Boy Bolling’s stupidity is like shooting fish in a barrel. There’s little sport in it, which is why I have stayed away. However, this week Bully Boy dug so deep for stupidity that I would be remiss if I let it go without comment and without a mea culpa of my own.

It began when Bully Boy asked the crack Fox “News Research team — its viewers — to help ferret out examples of liberal bias in children’s text books.

OOOPS! Eric Bolling forgot to ask permission to show them on the air. No matter because by Wednesday he had enough examples, from viewers who had given permission I suppose, to go on the air and BLOW THE LID OFF THIS SCANDAL!!!

Even though viewers sent in hundreds of examples, the best, and only, examples Bully Boy Bolling could come up with were these two: An Algebra problem that seemed like Socialism (or Marxism, or Communism, or something he never quite says) and a textbook that he CLAIMS, but never identifies, has the SHOCKING and totally undeniable fact that there were no weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq.

And . . . That’s it! Out of hundreds of examples sent in. A pretty thin soup of Liberal bias, if you ask me, especially when compared to the crazy bullshit they put in Texas textbooks to accommodation Right Wing Crazies.

Naturally Media Matters for America jumped on this with the headline Fox’s Eric Bolling Cries “Liberal Bias” At Historical Fact That Bush Administration Found No WMDs In Iraq.

HuffPo, in the guise of Rebecca Shapiro also took Bolling to task for the same segment, but concentrated on the problem with the Algebra problem.

Co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle said that she goes through all of her six-year-old’s homework papers, adding that she was now on “high alert after this inappropriateness!”

“So it starts in third grade [with] ‘Distribute The Wealth,’ and guess what happens? Through their whole educational experience they continually get indoctrinated through college,” a concerned Bolling said, holding up the math sheet once again.

Co-host Dana Perino said that the assignment was probably written by an “Occupy Wall Street grad student.”

That probably would have been the end of it. However, the notoriously thin-skinned Bully Boy Bolling can never seem to leave it alone when he’s been criticized in any media. And, as he has done previously (and more than once), he doubles down on his stupidity, defending his spurious facts with more spurious facts. The next day he sent out the following:

The Bully Boy Bolling post t6hat broke my meter

That’s when I lost it. Normally my meter hovers right in the middle, that sweet spot right between SARCASTIC CYNICISM and the opposite pole of TOTALLY PISSED OFF. Bully Boy Bolling’s Bullshit™ sent the needle all the way over to TOTALLY PISSED OFF, where it stuck and had to be replaced, but not before I sent out the following:

I apologize unreservedly to my followers for losing my sense of humour. I also promise to let you know if Bully Boy Bolling accepts my challenge and proffers proof for his lies.

BTW: Media Matters alerted me to the fact that this isn’t the first time Bully Boy
Bolling tried to sell this bullshit story. On St. Valentines Day of last year
Media Matters noted Fox’s Bolling Repeats Discredited Myth That 9/11 Attacks Had “Footsteps” That Could Be Traced “Right Back To Saddam”.

Dear readers: If you can find other examples of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™, don’t hesitate to pass it along to me.

A Musical Appreciation ► Rompin’ Ronnie Hawkins

DATELINE January 10, 1935 – Ronald “Rompin’ Ronnie” Hawkins is born in Huntsville, Arkansas, just two days after Elvis Presley is born in Tupelo, Mississippi. Both carved out quite a niche in Rock and Roll, but Elvis’ story is better known. That’s a shame.

Ronnie Hawkins started his first band when he was studying Phys Ed at the University of Arkansas. Called The Hawks, it toured throughout several southern states. On the advice of Conway Twitty, who was one of the up and coming Rock and Rollers who played at a club Hawkins owned in Fayetteville, he began playing in Canada in 1958. The first place he played in Canada was the last place I lived in Canada: Hamilton, Ontario. Apparently he was a huge hit at the Golden Rail, near the corner of King and John Streets. It was this initial success that prompted Hawkins to move to Canada.

The Hawks were less thrilled with Canada and they all quit and went back to ‘Merka, except for Levon Helm, the good ol’ boy drummer. Ronnie Hawkins was forced to recruit a new set of Hawks. He found some good ol’ Ontario boys in Robbie Robertson, Rick Danko, Richard Manuel and Garth Hudson. This version of The Hawks was rehearsed within an inch of their lives by Hawkins, a notorious perfectionist. When, some 5 or 6 years later, this tight group of Hawks up and quit on Hawkins, they changed their name to The Band and worked with some barely known folk singer named Bob Dylan in a barely known town in upper New York named Woodstock.

This is why, in homage to their early mentor, Ronnie Hawkins appeared at The Last Waltz.



When the band called The Hawks quit to become The Band, Hawkins hired a new band, which he called “And Many Others.” When, some 4 years later, Hawkins fired “And Many Others” they took the name Crowbar. This was also in homage to Hawkins who told them as he sacked them, “You guys are so crazy, you could fuck up a crowbar in 3 seconds.”

Crowbar became one of Canada’s best-known bands, who had a huge hit in 1971 with “Oh, What A Feeling.”

John Lennon & friends bundled against the Canadian cold

I wasn’t as lucky as John Lennon, who hung out at Ronnie’s farm signing his Bag One lithographs while planning a peace festival. However, I was still fortunate enough to meet Ronnie Hawkins twice. Both times he had me laughing so hysterically, my sides hurt.

The first was soon after he appeared as a special guest vocalist on a spoken word LP by Xaviera Hollander, still in the flush of success following the publication of The Happy Hooker: My Own Story. Hawkins was helping her promote the GRT release and appeared on my show at Radio Sheridan, the college campus station. During the interview he swore more than I had ever heard anyone swear before, telling one obscene joke after another.

This was only a week after Xaviera Hollander simulated giving me fellatio under the table during her interview about the LP. As Station Manager I was called on the carpet for the “inappropriate” content of the Hollander interview. Now Ronnie Hawkins had me in stitches and he was being far more obscene than Xaviera had been. As I doubled over in side-splitting laughter, I couldn’t help but think the administration was going to revoke our license to operate. Luckily nothing happened. Either the admin didn’t get wind of it, or John Bromley decided we were a lost cause.

The next time I ran into Ronnie Hawkins was more than 15 years later. I was working at Citytv by then and heard a loud voice coming from a room that was normally locked and used for storage. I peeked inside and Ronnie Hawkins was pacing the room all by himself, rehearsing some words that he was expected to tape for MUCHMusic, which was broadcast out of the same building. He noticed me in the doorway and stopped, so I reintroduced myself to him and reminded him of the interview and how much I feared being called up in front of the administration for it, but it would have been worth it.

While not acknowledging whether he remembered me or not, he started off on a series of obscene one-liners that didn’t stop until he was fetched 15 minutes later for his close-up.

There are two stories I’ve heard about Ronnie Hawkins and I pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster neither of them are apocryphal:

After Ronnie Hawkins had his first brush with fame, he decided he deserved a Rolls Royce. He went to the Rolls Royce dealer on Bay Street in Toronto looking like a Hippie and the saleman treated him like something that had stuck to the bottom of his shoe. He wouldn’t even let Hawkins have a test drive. Imagine that! Hawkins left and came back a short time later. He slapped — in cash — the asking price of a Rolls Royce on the hood of one and drove it out of the showroom.

The second story is from when Hawkins was hiring the [not yet] The Band to be The [replacement] Hawks. As incentive he apparently said, “Sign up with me boys and you’ll get more pussy than Frank Sinatra.”

Happy Birthday, Ronnie Hawkins!!!

Here’s a Ronnie Hawkins documentary for those who want to know more:

The Fox “News” Spin Cycle ► Episode 33

Guns, welfare, the fiscal cliff, Speaker John Boehner. These were just some of the topics Fox “News” was forced to WHITEwash as 2012 turned into 2013 before our very eyes.

The transition between years seemed a good time to gather the Fox “News” Spin Cycle team and re-administer the FNSC oath. Those who refused were fired on the spot and reported to the Department of Homeland Security. I’m not fooling around anymore.

This is what they all promised to do for my dear readers:

I hereby swear I will do everything in my power to make fun of Fox “News” until my last breath and that no joke, or smear is too low, so help me Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Now, let’s get right to this week’s Fantasia of Fox Fun™:

That’s only because Mitt Romney is eminently mockable, Falafel King. Mitt Romney will be a political punchline for decades to come. The sooner the GOP realizes this, the more comfortable they will become. Soon he will barely be mentioned by the GOP, just like Dubya during the last 4 years.

It’s wasn’t the Obama cliff, Bully Boy. It was always the GOP cliff and, lemming-like, they threw themselves over it. In the end they got a worse deal then President Obama offered in the first place. Well done, John Boehner!!!

Your much-valued (/snark) GOP was a part of that bipartisanship deal, Bully Boy! Cooperation is how business gets done in Washington. If you and your fellow Teabaggers don’t like it, then maybe you should come up with a political tactic that isn’t the equivalent of holding your breath until you turn blue.

When confetti cannons are outlawed, only idiots will shoot themselves in the stomach with a confetti gun.

IRONY ALERT: Bully Boy Bolling talks and tweets about going to the gun range. If this is any indication of his skills, you might want to leave the range if he arrives.

You don’t really want my thoughts, Bully Boy.

This little cartoon from Media Matters for ‘Merka puts the Fox & Friends morning line-up meeting in its proper perspective. Fox & Friends is the most virulently anti-Obama show on the Anti-Obama network, provided you discount for Sean Scammity. However, Scammity is only on air 1 hour a day, 5 days a week; F&F serves up its its Anti-Obama breakfast 3 hours a day, 4 hours on weekends. This is how it beats Scammity in the Anti-Obama sweepstakes: VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME!!!

Dr. K is not Henry Kissinger. That’s Loofah Lad’s name for Kraut the Hammer. What I have always thought was astonishingly arrogant is how Dr. K comes on Fox “News” and criticizes President Obama with invented facts and just barely audible dog whistles.

Where to start?

First, I ask the same question I always ask in times like this: Is this half-Governor, failed-VP candidate, failed reality show host, Mama Grizzly Bear with lipstick still a Fox “News” employee?

Next: What the hell was that? Most people can say “Happy New Year” in less than 4 words. It took Sarah Palin a shitload of words to turn New Year’s Eve into a political and religious polemic. What’s up with that?

Then there’s that whole Chronicles thing. BibleGateway quotes God as saying in Chronicles 7:14, “if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

See? God just wants a little attention from his creation, right?

Not quite. Sister Sarah is taking God’s words out of context. [While I don’t believe in God, I pray that people who take Her words out of context go straight to Hell.] The quote comes from the larger narrative of Soloman, in which God describes his Heavenly Protection Racket™ worthy of a Martin Scorsese mafia movie:

11 When Solomon had finished the temple of the Lord and the royal palace, and had succeeded in carrying out all he had in mind to do in the temple of the Lord and in his own palace, 12 the Lord appeared to him at night and said:

“I have heard your prayer and have chosen this place for myself as a temple for sacrifices.

13 “When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. 16 I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that my Name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there.

17 “As for you, if you walk before me faithfully as David your father did, and do all I command, and observe my decrees and laws, 18 I will establish your royal throne, as I covenanted with David your father when I said, ‘You shall never fail to have a successor to rule over Israel.’

19 “But if you[a] turn away and forsake the decrees and commands I have given you[b] and go off to serve other gods and worship them, 20 then I will uproot Israel from my land, which I have given them, and will reject this temple I have consecrated for my Name. I will make it a byword and an object of ridicule among all peoples. 21 This temple will become a heap of rubble. All[c] who pass by will be appalled and say, ‘Why has the Lord done such a thing to this land and to this temple?’ 22 People will answer, ‘Because they have forsaken the Lord, the God of their ancestors, who brought them out of Egypt, and have embraced other gods, worshiping and serving them—that is why he brought all this disaster on them.’”

TRANSLATION: “Nice little temple you got here. It’s a shame should something happen to it.”

Fox “News” sent this out to disguise the real headline: “Republicans Voice Serious Concern Over House Leader.”

House (R)s totally screwed the pooch on the so-called Fiscal Cliff negotiations. Now, to make the best of it, they are trying to sell the pups.

Another update that sounds dirty. [I don’t follow sports and had to look up “Gamecocks.” It wasn’t at all what I thought.]

I think every generation finds that the younger generations are ruder.

Now get the fuck off my lawn or I’m calling the cops.

Bonus song:

After The Orange One skedaddled off the floor of the House without bringing the Hurricane Sandy Relief Bill to a vote it appeared as if — for one brief moment — Fox “News” was going to go ‘all in’ on the political destruction of Speaker John Boehner. They promoted several people, among them Rep Steve King as well, who excoriated Boehner, pretty much disemboweling him in the process.

However, later in the day — whether it was due to a memo from The Suits above, or not — the Fox “News” coverage lurched in an entirely different direction. Suddenly, according to Fox “News,” Boehner didn’t bring up the bill because it was loaded with pork.

It took Jon Stewart, returning from vacation a week after Fox “News” reversed the anti-Boehner tide, to put the bullshit pork argument into perspective. He’s clearly angry.

Why can’t you go away, Bully Boy?

This became another Fox “News” Talking Point this week in order to get its brain-dead audience to forget that guns have caused horrible massacres in ‘Merka: Point to what it calls hypocrisy on the part of Hollywood stars because there’s violence in movies.

IRONY ALERT: The Fox “News” hypocrisy in pointing this out is that Fox, under the umbrella of parent News Corps, owns movies studios, only some of which are named Fox, or Fox Searchlight, or 20th Century Fox. You know what I’m talking about.

Despite it being a Brand New Year, it’s still the same old shit on The Five, known far and wide as the worst show on tee vee since My Mother The Car.

Leave it to Fox “News” to seize on any meme to WHITEwash the gun control debate away from the massacres. As an added bonus, it gets to slam Rep. Feinsteain in the bargain. It’s win/win for Fox “News.”

I bet Heather Childers is not afraid to share cheesecake pics of her legs. Oh, Ainsley Earworm, you were so much more fun before you went and got married.

Even Alysin “Chains” Camerota isn’t afraid to show off her assets, if you get my meaning, Ainsley.

Oh, fer fuck’s sake!!!

I’d sleep so much better if you’d just go back to delivering my morning cheesecake shot of your legs, Ainsley.

Fox “News” has had so much fun with this story since it was announced. Leave it to Bully Boy Bolling to be first off the mark with the BREAKING STORY.

This is just BEFORE Fox “News” reversed course and started to defend Speaker Boehner for his brave stand in not holding a Hurricane Sandy vote. [See above.] Loofah Lad gave Chris Christie one last kick at the cat.

MAJOR IRONY ALERT!!!

I’m sure we all remember KKKarl Rove’s biggest mistake in 2012. In case you’ve been on another planet, here it is again, because the Fox “News” Spin Cycle desk just can’t get enough of it. ENJOY!

The best part? The fact that he stutters like Porky Pig in this clip only makes the family resemblance more apparent. That’s all, folks!

Despite how wrong Rove was, Fox “News” protected him during the entire election cycle. Time after time — some days multiple times across the schedule — KKKarl Rove appeared on the “Fair and Balanced” network without mentioning his MASSIVE conflict of interest in using his 2 SuperPACs to spend an estimated $300,000,000.00 to influence the 2012 election.

Wait!!! What??? You mean to say that Fox “News” Talk Radio isn’t the ratings juggernaut that it was before its brain-dead listeners realized they were being lied to?

This is another way Fox “News” spins the news. Check out that headline. “OH NOES!!! The evil government is now trying to dictate what we can name our babies. Where do I sign up?”

Most of the Fox “News” brain-dead audience will stop at reading the headline. Only once one ‘clicks through’ is it discovered that this is happening in Iceland.

I have a better question: Do ‘Merkins care about what Loofah Lad thinks about the fiscal cliff.

Another way Fox “News” has of polluting the gun control debate. One restaurant manager does something incredibly stupid [and that’s never happened before, right?] and Fox “News” turns it into a national story to make the left look foolish on the gun control debate.

Did you or Fox “News” complain when the last guy took 32% of his presidency as vacation days?

All told, Dubya took 1,020 vacation days. At the rate of 83 vacation days in his first term, President Obama is on pace to wrack up 168 vacation days for his entire presidency. However, the Reich Wing won’t STFU about President Obama’s vacations. What’s up with that? Then, when you point that out, they say “You’re always pointing fingers at the President Bush.” What’s up with that? It would be far easier if they just owned up to their hypocrisy.

Didja notice how before the election, when the jobs numbers were released, Fox “News,” and especially Bully Boy Bolling, turned the improved numbers into a White House conspiracy to steal the election? Didja notice how after the election, as the job numbers remained on the slightly-improving-track, Fox “News” is reporting the numbers uncritically, the way it had always done before? Just asking.

It takes one to know one, Loofah Lad.

This is just another one of those Watters World segments in which he does, essentially, man-on-the-street interviews which are then edited to make Liberals, entire cities, or President Obama appear stupid. In this Watters World, Jesse Watters suckered Fox “News” into sending him to Hawaii to do man-on-the-beach interviews making Liberals, Hawaii, and President Obama appear stupid. It was a win/win/win so I guess it was money well-spent.

BOOM!
Nothing whatsoever was revealed. There was no dishing. Yawn.

“Quick! How can we blame this on President Obama?”

During the so-called Fiscal Cliff negotiations President Obama asked to renew the Payroll Tax Cut, which was always a temporary tax holiday. The GOP said no. However, this rise is being blamed by Fox “News” on . . . Guess who?

I think he’s holding his breath. Like a submerged whale.

When facebook is outlawed, only outlaws send cute cat pictures on facebook.

How many times has Fox “News” doctored photos, or edited words out of context? At least Pelosi’s office stated in the release that the last 4 women were Photoshopped in. Fox “News” admits to nothing, even when caught.

Why does this picture remind me of The Pet Goat?

I want Fox “News” hosts to register like sex offenders too. Maybe I can work closely with Liberal Mark Green (who the hell is he?) to bring our dreams to fruition.

Bret “Bare Bear” Baier couldn’t stop at just one pic of his son Paul.

Fox “News” delights in making Vice President Joe Biden look foolish. To be fair: There are times he doesn’t need the help.
Would you be surprised to find out that’s not exactly what the Labor Secretary said? Fox “News” knows that and doesn’t care. If it can find a blog that slams the Labor Secretary, then Fox “News” will run with it, despite the truth. Zero hedge? Whuzzat?

Mark Levin is another whack-job that Fox “News” loves to quote, because he says things that it is thinking.

Gentle readers: Last week I told you that Dave “Dave” Briggs was retiring from Fox and Friends Weekend and moving to NBC Sports, where he hopes enough time will pass to get the Fox “News” stink off him.

This weekend Tucker Carlson was the 3rd Stooge on the Curvy Couch. I made the mistake of calling him a word that rhymes with Tucker, but used an “F” instead. Someone, and I like to think it was that little Fucker [OOPS!] himself, reported me and I was admonished for “inappropriate content” by facebook, even though I have probably used the word “fuck” on facebook every day since I’ve been there.

What a bunch of stupid Fuckers.

At one point during a “live pop” from the boat show, Ainsley was standing on the deck of a large boat and motioning elegantly with her arm and that’s when it occurred to me where I saw her for the first time: Before her tee vee career I ran into her at one of the car shows at Cobo Hall. She was showing off the new models with the same elegant sweep of her arms, like Vannah White. I’m sure that was her.

“Because even though he’s now just a private citizen, we’re going to promote his latest crazy statements as if he ever had anything intelligent thing to say.”

Well, mostly good. How are you, Bully Boy? Do you have to confess much when you go to church?

She does have legs after all.

She just refuses to send out cheesecake of her legs in close-up now that she’s married, unlike when she sent out cheesecake of her legs out every single day [practically] before she got married.

When following the Constitution is outlawed, only outlaws follow the Constitution. Think about it.

Yes. Next question.

Flying Dis-United.

This was another way Fox “News” had to deflect the gun control conversation away from the massacres.

Hobby Lobby is the new Chick-fil-A.

Guns don’t kill people. Repeat. Guns don’t kill people.

Remember when President Obama said there are people who cling to their guns and religion? He forgot all about those who cling to their guns and their religion and their football, like Bully Boy Bolling.

This gun map being published was the best thing to happen for Fox “News” and its attempts to change the gun control conversation away from the massacres of humans to other topics.

Personally, I’m enjoying this tension between the First Amendment and the Second Amendment.

“Quick! How can we blame President Obama?”

It’s not surprising to see the NRA and Bully Boy Bolling on the same page of crazy.

Dog whistle!

More scare-mongering from the gun-clinging, religion-clinging Bully Boy Bolling.

Term limits is an unnecessary government intrusion on the people’s right to decide who to elect to serve them. Libertarians should be against term limits.

And the week ends with another Dog Whistle. Toot, toot.

It appears that 2013 will be as contentious as last year, which is why the Fox “News” Spin Cycle is working to improve your world. The FNSC is now loaded with 87% Fox “News” Snark by volume. REMEMBER: We do it all for you.

Judge Not 12 ► Sticking To His Guns

Unretouched pic from my tee vee screen

As Libertarian Gun Control Hysteria™ diminished (slightly), Judge Nap was forced to take on other topics as well. However, having no creativity of his own, he resorts to falling back on tried and true memes.

Which is just as well for the Judge Not Research Team. As mentioned last week, I fired all of them and am training a child to do the job. His name is Larry. Or is it Robert? It doesn’t matter because I pay him in cash, under the table, where I also tuck in his leg irons when the OSHA inspectors come.

So, take it away Larry. Or Robert:

Well, he would, wouldn’t he?

HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!

Bonus points for the 1984 reference.

The headline is from Media Matters. If you ever needed any more proof that Judge Andy can turn any issue into a “Founding Fathers”issue? Just check out this gobbledygook:

Stocking up for the next Mayan Apocalypse.

When baseball bats with sights are outlawed, only outlaws will have baseball bats with sights.

When Freedom is outlawed, only outlaws will have Freedom. Think about it.

When press conferences on gun permit databases are outlawed, only outlaws will hold press conferences on gun permit databases.

Gee, Judge Nap, you weren’t this critical of the GOP when Dubya was in power and starting illegal wars.

Judge Andy, you are a hypocrite. You went on the air and argued that the Freedom of Information Act was written before the technology existed to disseminate the information instantly. You further argued that maybe the law needs changing so the Freedom of Information Act cannot be used in this fashion again. However, Judge Hypocrite, this is the exact same argument that some who want tighter gun control laws have cited: “In the Founder’s day, it took time to reload a musket. The Second Amendment was written before high-powered rifles and huge magazine clips came into being. One can’t expect the Founders to have anticipated this kind of slaughter and maybe some reasonable restrictions might be appropriate.” However, you support all the guns, all the time, Judge. What’s up with that?

When posing as others is outlawed, only outlaws will pose as others. Think about it!

Note how the statistic has been narrowed to “rifles” as opposed to weapons or guns in general.

Call it a mercy killing.

He wanted to do that. However, Fox “News,” Congress, and the ‘Merkin people had a shit fit.

The stereotypical Fox “News” audience.

When the Constitution is outlawed, only outlaws will ratify a Constitution.

And that’s how Judge Not ends, with a whimper not a roar.

Unpacking Coconut Grove ► A Compendium [UPDATED]

This is the historical marker I just happened to discover
one day in early 2009. It led to all the research that followed.

As I add chapters to my ongoing series “Unpacking Coconut Grove” this compendium will be updated with the latest on top. The first entry for 2013 is:

Happy Birthday Coconut Grove!!! Now Honour Your Past

In which I briefly lay out the history of Coconut Grove from the mid-1800s to the present-day and make the case that systemic racism is the reason the E.W.F. Stirrup House and the Mariah Brown House have not been renovated, despite promises to do so.

Previous chapters:

The corner of Charles Avenue and
Main Highway
in Coconut Grove.

Unpacking Coconut Grove, Florida – Part One

This is an overview of the area, the issues at stake, how I came to discover Coconut Grove, and why I became so passionate about it.

Unpacking Coconut Grove, Florida – Part 1.1

This chapter contrasts the 120-year old E.W.F. Stirrup House, currently undergoing Demolition by Neglect, with a house built in 1964 less than a mile away. One is rotting away and the other is for sale for $22,000,000.

Unpacking Coconut Grove – Part Two – E.W.F. Stirrup House

The E.W.F. Stirrup House,
standing proud on Charles Avenue.

This chapter delves deeper into the history of the E.W.F. Stirrup House and the history of Ebenezer Woodbury Franklin Stirrup. It explains why this proud Bahamian man’s legacy is in need of preserving for the community, as opposed to rapacious developers. E.W.F. Stirrup almost single-handedly created a Black community unique in the entire United States.

Unpacking Coconut Grove – Part 2.2 – The Neighbourhood Around The E.W.F. Stirrup House

Musings upon recent discoveries in my continued research of Coconut Grove, Charles Avenue and the Grove Gardens Residence Condominiums immediately behind the E.W.F. Stirrup House. It also includes a close up photo essay showing the damage that years of neglect have caused on the E.W.F. Stirrup House.

Unpacking Coconut Grove – Part 2.3 – The Charles Avenue Rabbit Hole Leads To Canada

Imagine my surprise when I discover my ongoing research on the E.W.F. Stirrup House leads to Canada, the country I chose to become a citizen of.

Unpacking Coconut Grove – Part Three – Who Controls What On Charles Avenue

The Coconut Grove Playhouse at the corner of Charles Avenue
and Main Highway. The City of Miami has been trying to wrest
control of it back, but one person is holding up all progress.

After extensive research I share what I have learned on who controls, or owns, properties along Charles Avenue. It turns out it’s all the same guy, or companies owned, in part, by the same guy, or properties controlled by the same guy. And, that even includes the Coconut Grove Playhouse, which I never even considered to be a part of my original research. Come on down, Gino Falsetto.

Unpacking Coconut Grove – Part Four – Open Houses and Broken Laws

In which I discover that demolition work is proceeding within the E.W.F. Stirrup House without the benefit of a Building Permit issued by the City of Miami. Also, for the first time, I get inside the Stirrup House after being invited inside by one of the men doing the demolition. This entry has lots of pictures of the inside of this historic 120-year old architectural treasure.

Unpacking Coconut Grove – Part 4.1 – A Photo Essay

Another visit to Charles Avenue seems to indicate that my blog posts are being read because the property is locked up tight again and all (allegedly) illegal demolition work appears to have stopped after being reported to the City of Miami Building Department. 

Unpacking Coconut Grove – Part Five – A Charles Avenue Love Story

180 degree panorama of the entrance to the Charlotte Jane Memorial Park Cemetery,
at one time the only place around where Black folk could bury their dead.

I would like to know more about the love affair between E.W.F. Stirrup and his childhood sweetheart, and wife, for whom the Charlotte Jane Memorial Park Cemetery, at the far end of Charles Avenue, is named. Here is the little I have been able to learn so far.

One of the informational
signs along Charles Avenue.

Unpacking Coconut Grove – Part Six – Still Building With No Building Permit

An update a week later, where I discover that (allegedly) illegal work is still proceeding within the E.W.F. Stirrup House without benefit of a work permit on prominent display.

Unpacking Coconut Grove – Part 6.1 – An Open Email to the City of Miami

Since the City of Miami has not seen fit to respond to my email, I have printed it here for all the world to read.

Unpacking Coconut Grove – Part Seven – Signs along Charles Avenue

At some point in the recent past a series of informational signs were erected along Charles Avenue. Here they are for you to read.

Unpacking Coconut Grove ► Part Eight ► The Powers That Be

Read along as I try to unpack the power structure in Coconut Grove. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, even if it is Gino Falsetto, a Canadian who left a string of bankruptcies behind before he left cold Canada for warm Miami.

Unpacking Coconut Grove ► Part Nine ► Good Neighbours and Bad Neighbours 

What makes a good neighbour and what makes a bad neighbour? In this latest chapter of Unpacking Coconut Grove I state the difference and name names.

Unpacking Coconut Grove ► Part 9.1 ► A Bad Neighbour Photo Essay 

A follow-up to last week’s entry with some hot, new information: How did The Bad Neighbour acquire his 50-year lease on the E.W.F. Stirrup House? It wasn’t by putting up any hard-earned cash. Read this chapter to find out how a (alleged) scumbag works real estate a deal.

Unpacking Coconut Grove ► Part 9.2 ► A Photo Essay Follow Up

Why did the alleged scumbag, aka The Bad Neighbour, allow the owners of the E.W.F. Stirrup House to be cited for contravening city by-laws by the City of Miami?  ALSO: More on how the alleged rapacious developer, aka Gino Falsetto, managed to acquire his 50-year lease on the E.W.F. Stirrup House. It isn’t pretty.

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Happy Birthday Coconut Grove!!! Now Honour Your Past

Peacock Inn circa 188?.
Courtesy State Archives of Florida, Florida Memory

Dateline January 6, 1874 – Dr. Horace P. Porter establishes the first post office in Cocoanut Grove. In the 138 years since, Coconut Grove dropped the “a” and became one of the most exclusive areas in the country, as it continues to bury its past in a way that can only be viewed as racist.

One of the first tourist attractions in south Florida was the Bay View House, built in 1883 by Charles and Isabella Peacock. It was later renamed the Peacock Inn (and is now the site of Peacock Park). Ralph Middleton Monroe also began building The Barnacle (now Barnacle Historic State Park) around the same time and Camp Biscayne a little later. While Cocoanut Grove (it didn’t lose the “a” until it was annexed by Miami in 1925) was still a virtually swamp infested wilderness, all of this development required staffing. Consequently, a parallel service industry grew around this progress and, as has always been the case in ‘Merka, these people tended to be Black.

“Black citizens of Coconut Grove”
The entire Black community of Coconut Grove gathered
together in front of Commodore Ralph M. Munroe’s
boathouse. Photo taken 189?
Courtesy State Archives of Florida, Florida Memory

A Black population requires a Black enclave, of course; a place where White people don’t want to live, mostly because any Black person is welcomed. What is now known as West Grove became the area where Blacks, mostly from the Bahamas, congregated. One of the first was Mariah Brown, a Bahamian who lived in Key West. She had been hired by The Peacocks and, as “Mary the Washerwoman,” originally lived at the Inn. However, after she married Charles Brown they purchased a lot from Joseph Frow (who sold the Peacocks their plot of land as well), and built a house on Evangelist Street (now Charles Avenue) around 1892.

Joseph Frow was the first person to buy property off Biscayne Bay, in what later became Cocoanut Grove. His father Simeon had been appointed Cape Florida Lighthouse keeper in 1859. His brother John became lighthouse keeper in 1868. The lighthouse is on the southern tip of Key Biscayne and is the oldest standing structure in Miami-Dade county, even though it had to be rebuilt in the 1840s. Well familiar with the area, Joseph Frow bought up a very large chunk of land which he parceled off over the years.

1774 Map of Biscayne Bay, with Key Biscayne almost dead center.
Note: Where Coconut Grove would be located 100 years later
is labeled Grand Marsh. It was one. Map courtesy of Janthina Images,
which sells beautiful photo cards of the Cape Florida Lighthouse.

One of the men who worked in Cocoanut Grove was Ebenezer Woodbury Frankin
Stirrup, another Bahamian who came up through Key West. Being a carpenter
by trade, Stirrup’s skills were probably in high demand. It’s likely
that he worked for a variety of employers, Joseph Frow undoubtedly among them. Stirrup cleared land for Frow and it was backbreaking work. The area was little more than swamp land with occasional dry hummocks. Frow repaid Stirrup with land; for every plot of land Stirrup cleared, Frow deeded him a plot of land. Eventually E.W.F. Stirrup became one of the largest landowners in Coconut Grove and, eventually, one of Florida’s first Black millionaires.

From Black Miami . . . a brief look back

E.W.F. Stirrup was a man well ahead of his time. He believed that home ownership was important to growing Black families. To that end he used his land on which to build more than 100 houses on the streets surrounding Evangelist Street, which he sold or rented to the families that had emigrated to serve the growing tourist trade. This is also what made Coconut Grove unique. It had a higher Black home ownership than any other Black enclave in ‘Merka.

Over the years the neighbourhood has remained predominately Black, as families passed the homes down from one generation to the next, the way some families pass down precious jewels. This is also what kept the neighbourhood intact, as one urban renewal plan after another faltered when the City of Miami and developers couldn’t convince the homeowners to sell their most prized possession for peanuts.

Stirrup built his own home, of course, in late 1890s. The E.W.F. Stirrup House is the showplace he built for himself near the corner of Charles Avenue and Main Highway. Unlike most of the other houses in the West Grove, the Stirrup House is 2 stories. While it’s based on the simple Conch Style that informs the Mariah Brown House, it has been elaborated upon and added to over the years. At one time the house looked out over Stirrup’s substantial holdings. According to a report prepared by the City of Miami [PDF] to consider an historical designation for the E.W.F. Stirrup House:

The contributions of the African-American community to the City of Miami actually predate the City’s incorporation in 1896. As early as 1880, Black Bahamians arrived in Coconut Grove and began a community that still thrives today. Ebenezer Woodbury Franklin Stirrup migrated from the Bahamas to South Florida in 1888 and worked as a carpenter’s apprentice in Key West, and then as a laborer in a pineapple field in South Dade. He ultimately became a millionaire Coconut Grove property owner. Stirrup built his home in Coconut Grove, using all his construction skills to create an impressive, yet understated, residence for his family. Mr. Stirrup lived in the house until his death in 1957, a total of 58 years.

Mr. Stirrup is remembered today as an extraordinary example of entrepreneurship, a man who made the transition from immigrant to enormously successful Coconut Grove landholder, and who built more than 100 houses for African-Americans. His is an amazing legacy, as his success is all the more incredible when it is remembered that his accomplishments took place in an overwhelmingly segregated and discriminatory environment. When Ebenezer Woodberry Franklin Stirrup died in 1957 at the age of 84, he was not only one of the largest landholders in Coconut Grove, but also had done much to improve the housing conditions of the African-American community.

Panorama by author of E.W.F. Stirrup House with the Charles Avenue Historical Marker in foreground

Meanwhile, the E.W.F Stirrup House — the last remaining symbol of an important man who once shaped what is now one of the most exclusive areas in the country — is allowed to undergo Demolition By Neglect by a rapacious developer who hopes to develop the property.

There can be no doubt that if Mr. Stirrup were White, his home would have been a shrine by now. The Barnacle, Commodore Monroe‘s old homestead just a block away from Stirrup’s, is now a state park and the house restored to its earlier splendour. Commodore Plaza, which begins two blocks north of the Stirrup House, is named after him. However, try and find something named after E.W.F. Stirrup, aside from E.W.F. Stirrup Elementary School, which is 10 miles from the community in which he made his fortune. Not even the historical marker across the street from his property, which honours the original Black Bahamian immigrants, mentions E.W.F. Stirrup by name.

Likewise the Mariah Brown House. If Brown were White, and owned the first house in an important historical district, her house would not sit empty and boarded up today. Even worse, the Mariah Brown was slated to have been renovated as a museum and community/historical resource. That project started in 1995 and has been stalled since 2000!!! However, unlike the Stirrup House, the current Mariah Brown house is not even the original structure. According to GrandAveNews:

The original house, 3298 Charles Ave., was built in 1889. The Coconut Grove Cemetery Association bought the home, which was in severe disrepair. The group razed it in 1999 and built a replica in 2000.

However, the E.W.F. Stirrup House is the real deal. While there appears to have been been several additions over the years, it’s still the original house, much of it built by Ebenezer’s own hands. As it continues to undergo Demolition by Neglect, the E.W.F. Stirrup House is also a symbol of something else in Coconut Grove: the quiet racism that has kept West Grove impoverished right from the beginning. Despite the The Grove’s reputation for more than a century as a laid-back, funky, village which attracted painters, Bohemians and later Hippies, Black Coconut Grove has been allowed to slowly slide into disrepair as White Coconut Grove has become one of the ritziest in the country. The 33133 Zip Code is now considered one of the most exclusive in the country. Within a mile’s radius of the Stirrup House today one can find homes, condos, and townhouses priced from a million dollars all the way up to $22 million, or so.

Developer Gino Falsetto controls the Stirrup property through a 50-year lease. However, due to provisions in Ebenezer Stirrup’s will the Stirrup House must remain in the hands of the Stirrup Family. Ever since he wrested away control from E.W.F. Stirrup’s descendants several years ago, Falsetto appears to have conducted a deliberate campaign of Demolition By Neglect. It has been empty for many years now and he has not even done the barest minimum to ensure the house doesn’t fall apart. The house is entirely exposed to the elements with glass not in several of the window frames facing the ocean, where the prevailing winds come from. Vines have been allowed to grow up the walls and across the roof, with roots no doubt causing damage to those areas of the house. There is exposed wood rot all around the outside of the house, mold and mildew being one of the greatest concerns for any wooden structure in south Florida, which is why wood is no longer used as a building material here. The mold continues inside the house as well, living along side the termites that are eating the structure away from the inside. The property has been cited several times by City of Miami inspectors because of a lack of upkeep, in contravention of several Miami by-laws. Between citations by the City of Miami, the E.W.F. Stirrup property is allowed to become a trash heap, until it’s cited all over again.

Eventually City of Miami building inspectors will come along and condemn
the structure, saying it’s too far gone to save. No doubt this is what
Aries Development, the company that holds the Stirrup lease,
wants. The E.W.F Stirrup House stands in the way of Aries making mega-millions of moolah.

From the large white structure on the bottom (Grove Gardens Residence
Condominiums) to the larger white structure at the top (Commodore Plaza)
is a massive area that could be developed for mixed-use by Aries if only
that pesky E.W.F. Stirrup House didn’t stand in its way. Click to enlarge.

Follow the bouncing ball: Aries developed the Grove Gardens Residence Condominiums, the white building immediately south of the E.W.F. Stirrup House (yellow rectangle in map on the right). Right across Charles Avenue are two vacant lots (the orange rectangle) that also appear to be controlled by Gino Falsetto and/or Aries Development and/or a shell company. Aries had owned these lots previously, but defaulted and the bank took them back in foreclosure. However, who should win the auction, but Gino Falsetto’s long-time partner-in-(alleged)-crime Pierre Heafy. It hardly appears to be a hands-off sale. Lastly, Immediately to the east of those vacant lots is the Coconut Grove Playhouse, which the state of Florida just recently took back from the bankrupt board that ran it into the ground 7 years ago. Through a loan that Aries claims it made to the board several years ago in an attempt to keep it solvent, Aries has always claimed a legal control of The Playhouse as well. Until recently that has stalled any progress on the Playhouse being renovated. Aries doesn’t appear to have dropped its claim, so it might have to be tested in a court of law no matter what happens to the Playhouse down the road. The state of Florida has put the property up for sale as surplus.

As tangled as all of that sounds, here’s the simple takeaway: The E.W.F. Stirrup House is the only remaining impediment to Aries Development (Gino Falsetto) having one of the last sizable properties that could be zoned for mixed-use in Coconut Grove. No doubt that’s the reason Gino Falsetto has done nothing to protect the E.W.F. Stirrup House. It stands in the way of progress and a huge profit.

It’s time for Coconut Grove to honour its entire history — the Black as well as the White that’s already been memorialized — and say no to a developer who is trying to destroy an important part of Coconut Grove history.

SAVE THE E.W.F STIRRUP HOUSE!!!

 

Read my entire “Unpacking Coconut Grove” series by clicking the link below:

Unpacking Coconut Grove ► A Compendium

Nostalgia Ain’t What It Used To Be ► The Electrocution of Topsy

Dateline January 4, 1903 – On this day a circus elephant named Topsy was electrocuted to death by The Wizard of Menlo Park, Thomas Edison. The death sentence was carried out, ostensibly, because Topsy had killed 3 trainers in 3 years. However, the real reason for Topsy’s cruel death was commercial.

Trained elephants were a big attraction around the turn of the last century and Topsy had once belonged to the Adam Forepaugh Circus, just one of many traveling circuses working the large and small towns of ‘Merka. Topsy was later retired to Luna Park in Coney Island. However, Topsy wasn’t as well-trained as other elephants of the day and had killed 3 trainers, including the last one who, while drunk, tried to feed a lit cigarette to her. Topsy wasn’t happy and trampled the man to death. Go figure!

Originally Topsy was to be hanged for her crimes. However, the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals stepped in and other methods of putting Topsy to death were contemplated. Thomas Edison won the day with his suggestion that Topsy be electrocuted. Edison’s plan had less to do with killing Topsy humanly, as electrocution was considered to be. At the time Edison was locked into a commercial battle with George Westinghouse which has come to be known as The War of Currents.

The War of the Currents was the Beta vs VHS battle of the day and the prize was the ability to wire ‘Merka for electricity. Edison was pushing the Direct Current [DC] method of electrical distribution and lighting, which required a much lower voltage. Westinghouse was pushing for Alternating Current [AC] because he had licensed the patents to Nicola Tesla‘s competing system. For Tesla hooking up with Westinghouse and competing with Edison was something of a pay-back. Tesla had worked for Edison at one time and told Edison that he could redesign a motor that Edison had created. Reportedly Edison said he’s pay $50,000 to Tesla if he could pull it off. When Tesla did, Edison claimed he was merely joking and the newly emigrated Tesla just didn’t understand ‘Merkin humour. A thousand laughs that Edison.

The real reason Edison wanted to kill Topsy with electricity is that he wanted to demonstrate how dangerous Westinghouse’s AC power was. He had already created a disinformation campaign against AC current. According to the WikiWackyWoo:

Edison carried out a campaign to discourage the use of alternating current, including spreading disinformation on fatal AC accidents, publicly killing animals, and lobbying against the use of AC in state legislatures. Edison directed his technicians, primarily Arthur Kennelly and Harold P. Brown, to preside over several AC-driven killings of animals, primarily stray cats and dogs but also unwanted cattle and horses. Acting on these directives, they were to demonstrate to the press that alternating current was more dangerous than Edison’s system of direct current.[29] He also tried to popularize the term for being electrocuted as being “Westinghoused”. Years after DC had lost the “war of the currents,” in 1903, his film crew made a movie of the electrocution with high voltage AC, supervised by Edison employees, of Topsy, a Coney Island circus elephant which had recently killed three men.

Edison opposed capital punishment, but his desire to disparage the system of alternating current led to the invention of the electric chair. Harold P. Brown, who was being secretly paid by Edison, built the first electric chair for the state of New York to promote the idea that alternating current was deadlier than DC.

Executing Topsy was a two-fer for Thomas Edison. Not only was he able to make another powerful statement against Alternating Current, but he also was able to film the event with his latest invention: the movie camera. His movie “Electrocuting An Elephant” toured around ‘Merka and Edison made money off its distribution and ticket sales.

WARNING: Not for the squeamish! 

BTW: In all likelihood Topsy was named after the character of Topsy in Harriet Beecher Stowe’s famous anti-slavery novel Uncle Tom’s Cabin, published in serial format in 1851 – 1852 and in book form in 1853. It’s from the Beecher Stowe book that we get the expression “grows like Topsy” or as Topsy put it, she just “grow’d.”

While looking for pics to illustrate this blog post I came across Topsy: the Electrocuted Elephant, a series of comic strips that make one think, or at least they do me.